And On The Third Day...

June 17th 2009, 1:20am


It’s not about work.

It’s about me.

I am not angry at with work. I am not angry at anyone in particular at work. Nor do I hate my work.

It’s me. It’s the way I think, the way I feel, the way my life is. These are the things that make me not happy. If it feels like work is the problem, that is probably because the only thing that I DO in my life is work!

Last year, I gave my heart. I gave it like I never gave it before. In the end, tragically, I was rejected. I was deemed “not good enough.” That cuts and stings. How could it not?

I desperately miss “something”. Not “her”, because she wasn’t the right one for me in the end. I miss the giving of my heart. I miss the bare-bones honesty. I miss that belief in another person. I miss the potential for happiness and love. I miss the sense of destiny. I miss the extreme confidence that I had.

Mostly, I am crushed, because we “clicked” so incredibly well (like two parts of a seatbelt snapping together). She was, in many (but obviously not all) ways, my soul-mate. Yet, I am lone, without her. The thought I may never have that again, terrifies me. That I may never again “click” with a woman like that. Also, the fear that my destiny passed me by, in spite of my best try to hold onto it and to chase after it. I also fear being that open and honest and involved with somebody’s heart and soul again, because to have that and then lose it is devastating.

So, I have isolated myself. I have NOBODY in my life. I have made my life this way. It has been by choice, both consciously and sub-consciously. Yet, I feel so terribly alone. And so very tired of being alone.

Here is the dilemma that I face now; in the first 37 and a half years of my life, I found only one person who has ever appeared to understand me, support me, appreciate me, and feel that sense of destiny when they look at me. Just…one…person. For a couple of short months, this person was close to me, she was in my life and in my heart and in my soul. Then, suddenly, she rejected me, lied to me, used me. She seemed to do everything she could to derail the path she was on with me. She fought that sense of destiny tooth and nail.

It’s been ten months since she began to use me and abuse me, remaking me (in her mind) from her saviour to her ‘stalker.’ That was her choice, and I now respect her right to make it, so I don’t hate her for it; I just can no longer trust her. It has been eight months since I last saw her. It has been eight months since I was on the verge of an extreme mental and emotional breakdown. It has been five and a half months since I last spoke to her (via email). (I could list how long it has been since some of the good moments we had between us, but I do not want to remember them, it is too painful to do so.).

Back to my dilemma. If I only found all of that in ONE PERSON in (now) 38 and a half years of life, I very strongly fear that I will never have that happen again…

So, I isolate myself. I live my life completely alone. If anyone thinks that I do not WANT someone in my life who likes me, someone who appreciates me, someone who likes to spend time with me, someone who has concern for me, someone to laugh with me and someone to hold me tight when I cry, if anybody thinks that then they have missed the point. There are several fears here I struggle with. First, that nobody will WANT to know me like that. Second, that if somebody does become a person like that to me, that they’ll still never come close to the short (but intense) friendship I had with “her”, and I wills till always feel that sense of lack. And third, I am scared to be that open and honest again, because although I saw the benefits of it, I also still feel the pain that putting yourself (your mind, heart, soul) out there like that can cause when the other person rejects you.

I am stressed. No, I am far beyond stress; I feel like I am on the verge of another breakdown. I live my life alone, I have for a long time now. The only human companionship I get is at work. To show up for my shift at work, and to be told that I am working ALONE again at the old work site, is far beyond cruel; it is damaging to my mental health. To be locked in this room all alone again for another 8 hour shift…the third such shift this week…after already telling my boss that I could NOT work another one of these shifts, and why…I have run the gamut of emotions tonight in my first two hours here. Here, alone with my only companion being her ghost…too much for me to take! I have already considered – screaming, throwing things, crying (okay, actually I already did this one), getting drunk after work, going to the doctor and going on medication of some sort, quitting my job, going on immediate holidays, or going on stress leave.

I need a shoulder to cry on. Don’t have one. I need somebody to truly believe in me. Don’t have nobody like that. I need somebody to talk to me and to listen to me. Nope, nobody. I need somebody who will do stuff with me, get me out of my small apartment when I am not working. Again, that person doesn’t exist for me. I want to get angry, but quite honestly I am not a person who hold son to anger, and besides there is nobody to be angry with!

I need a new life. Right now, I am not liking the one I have been leading. I need some companionship, some laughter, some joy, some action and excitement, and yes maybe even some love. But not with just anybody. I’ve tried “just anybody” before, and it doesn’t work for me. It has to be “the right person.” I am tired of wasting my heart and my life on “just anybody”; just because they are available and willing does not mean ANYTHING in the grand scheme of life. I don’t want “somebody”. In my life, that is al I have ever freakin’ had; “somebody.” Let me tell you, having “somebody” is way friggin’ over-rated. I don’t want to, I will not, go that road EVER AGAIN! Nope, from now on, I am waiting for and expecting “the right one” to come into my life. I’ve taken my lumps in life and paid my dues. In the last year, I have gone through more emotional pain than I thought I could ever survive, and yet I do not regret it. I’ll live with the painful scars, because I choose to understand that this has set me up for something better in my life, “the right one.” She is out there somewhere, and she is amazing, and we will fit together like nothing I have ever experienced before. And that’ll be it for me, she will be “it” for life. Cuz I’m a romantic, and I believe in both love and destiny. So this dream of mine isn’t an “if”, it is a “when.”

But in the meantime, I am still feeling alone. Makes sense, because I AM alone. It is time to change my life, to blow up the walls and gain some glorious freedom. As I sit here, fighting the emotions, the only question I have to ask is, “How”? I need to bust out, so I can find that blessing that is coming my way.

If there is anyone crazy enough to be still reading this, I bet by now I sound quite sad and desperate. But really, I honestly do not feel that way. Oh, I feel alone, and have felt that way for quite some time. I am well aware that it takes a deep and loving person to be able to understand me and get close to me. I am a deep well, and a quiet and guarded person. But I know that my experiences in loving “her” were a good thing, because they taught me that I am capable to loving passionately and whole-heartedly. I can be a very tender, compassionate, and giving person. Loving her taught me that. I gave lots with her, and got little in return (and too much of it ended up being lies and abuse and deception in the end). So I know I am able to love a woman, to lover her in the way she needs to be loved. I am not a hopeless case! LOL. Seriously, I am not sad and desperate. What I am, is I am anxious to find that right person, so I can pour all my love into her life. I WANT TO HAVE A LIFE’S GOAL OF MAKING ONE WOMAN FEEL LIKE SHE IS THE LUCKIEST WOMAN ALIVE TO GET TO BE WITH ME. I am serious. In my life, right now, I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough. Ha! A breakthrough, not a breakdown – that’s funny, isn’t it? Yeah, I am on the edge of a grand adventure in my life, one that will make all of my life’s experiences worthwhile. I don’t know where I am going, but I know I am going there hard and fast. I am going to make a name for myself as a wall-breaker, refusing to let anyone (or myself) fence me in. I am going to enjoy the 2nd half of my life, unlike my first half, and lucky is the woman who gets to ride shotgun with me!

My third day here at this place. Just me, and the dead. After three days, only one of us is going to rise…

At this point, I would like to thank my parents. Mom and Dad, where would I be without you? (Obviously, NO-where!). Nobody would have blames the two of you for giving up on me a long time ago. I haven’t lived an easy or a happy life, and I recognize that this has been hard on you as well. I’m not sure exactly where you got the faith that allowed you to keep believing in me and supporting me, but I thank you both for that. Too many times in my life, you have been the only ones who saw past the me that I was and the life I was living, and you saw the person that I am slowly becoming. Without your belief in me, I do not think I would be here today. From the fear that ruled my life as a teenager and a young adult, through being briefly suicidal at 19 (did you even know that?), from the lows of not being able to hold a job that paid more than minimum wage for over a decade to the high of finally becoming a father myself, through my up-and-down spiritual life, through 2 failed marriages and then one twisted love-relationship with a strange woman who has both scarred me and re-made me, through all of these things, the only people who have truly stood by me are my parents. I look at my life, and I just shake my head in bewildered amazement at what I have had to endure; no wonder God called me “peculiar” in prophecy! Mom and Dad, nothing I can say or do can ever repay you for what you have done for me. Nevertheless, I thank you. I know that your true reward will be waiting for you in heaven!

If nobody has figured it out yet, when I get stressed, I write. I write to sort things out. I write to keep my mind busy. I write to keep my sanity somewhat intact.

Let me let you in on a secret; It is a terrible thing to want what you cannot have. How often do we set our hearts and our sights on something, only to butt heads with our Saviour because a loving God will not let us have it? God knows so much more than we do! Yet, even though we often ask for the wrong things, still He tells us to bring our requests to Him. So often, we expect that if He doesn’t shout “No!” at the top of His lungs at us, then we should just keep on asking Him until He breaks down and gives it to us to shut us up. That seems to be what we think! Luckily, we have His Word to tell us His will for us, to show us what is right and what is wrong; really, His Word is all we need, not His audible shout. Wanting something that God didn’t want for me, it almost destroyed me. It took me far too long to lay my own feelings and desires aside and realize that she was not the one that God had chosen as my next wife. In the end, I had to submit to the truth of His Word, and choose to leave her alone, despite my strong feelings for her. And, to this day, part of me still wants her. But my obedience (now) pleases God, and I know He has “the right person” out there somewhere for me. Hopefully, not too far away. I need something (someone) good in my life for once! I’m sure I do not deserve her, but that doesn’t mean I do not need her (and she needs me). The way I figure things, I will always have an attachment to the previous “her”, right up until “the right one” comes along. After that…my heart will then be 110% hers.

So, long story short…I haven’t been pleased about where I’ve had to work tonight. But I’ve survived. I’ve kept my mind busy and occupied, so that nobody else could occupy it for any great length. I could do a lot of venting about tonight, and why it was wrong on so many levels; I could be very angry over it all. Bit I don’t want to be an angry person, ‘cause it is just counter-productive. And nobody really cares about my indignation, so why discuss it? Better to work hard at letting it go. Suffice it to say, I’m not happy about it, but I lived through it and now it’s done. ‘Nuff said!

Just looking for some Joy in my life (there’s some irony in this statement, but I won’t explain it). After all the stress and pain and heartache of the last year and a half, it seems like surely I am due for some major blessings, major gifts. Some good, close, loyal friendships, God-fearing and Jesus-loving people who care for me (and I for them). A good church body to be a part of. And a loving woman to share the rest of my life with.

Look out, negative thoughts! Look out, fiery arrows! Look out, devil’s schemes! It’s my coming out party, it’s my turn to shine, good things are coming my way!

From Bitter To Better (the Better Batter eats Butter?)

Remember: It is better to bare your soul, than to let your soul become barren.



So, it is 4:37pm on Sunday June 14th 2009, and I am sitting alone in this room again. “Work”, they call this. But I am alone, doing nothing.

Something I have come to realize already today. Bear with me once again, as I clear my thoughts of the stuff in them. I have not seen Melanie since the middle of October of 2008. For the last 8 months, I have come to work 4 or 5 times a week, to this very room. This room is like a ghost, it holds many memories of my life with Melanie in it. Of all the things that passed between us, 95% of them took place in this very room.

How do I feel about that? Honestly, I equate it to a spouse dying, and living on in the same home where you lived with them. Everywhere I look, there are ghostly after-images of her; of what she did, of what she said, of how she looked, of her laugh, of her compassion, of her tears, of her pain, of her smile, of her anger. It is all here still. I know many of you will think that I am blowing things out of proportion, but I am not; these are my memories, and I have to re-live them on a daily basis. These are my feelings, and I have to deal with them as they ebb and flow. This is my life, and I am the only one who can live it.

I look forward to the fact that this is the last work shift I will ever spend in this room. It will “help” to begin to bring closure. Subconsciously, I have been looking forward to no longer having to work here, to come here, to see and hear and smell her here, for a good long time now.

At the same time, it terrifies me to leave here. It makes me feel, melodramatically I am sure, like I am leaving her here, alone and by herself. Reality is, she chose to live life without me a long time ago. Her choice, and we all live with it, for better or for worse. But it still scares me. I still remember the feeling I got not long after I grew close to her, the feeling that she would be in my life forever. Well, in some ways she always will be, but not nearly even close to how I thought. Sigh…

I am a poet by nature. I feel things deeply, and I ponder them forever. I try to make sense of the world around me by looking at things differently than others do. And I filter everything through emotions. It is a blessing, and a curse. It is what it is. But please, do not tell me not to feel what I feel. I appreciate that everyone just wants me to move on. But moving on is not just a simple choice. I chose to move on after my first wife and I broke up, when I was not yet ready to, and I ended up making a terrible mistake that affected many lives. You do not just choose to ignore your emotions; you have to learn to live with them, to gradually tame them, and to shape them into something beautiful that you can use. And that is what I am attempting to do. I am NOT trying to stay in the past. I am trying to SHAPE how I view the past, so that my past can become a functioning part of my present and my future. It is a process, and one that I must work through. Pray for me if you like, but do not try to tell me how to deal with things. God walks with me, and He will see me through. And I will get through this MY way, because MY WAY is the way that God wants me to go through this. He wants me to be uniquely me. He appreciates me, He made me unique and He loves my uniqueness. So, I cannot and will not handle this the way that anybody thinks that I should; I will handle this the way that I handle it, because I am me.

I realize today that I could “jump start” my healing process, at least I think I could, by becoming angry with Melanie Joy. And, honestly, that anger would come fairly easily to me. But, that way would not be a way that I would be able to respect myself for taking. I respect myself, God, and even Melanie, too much to use the route of anger (or is that the “root of bitterness”?). So do not expect me to bash her, put here down, or otherwise push her aside. Melanie, and my feelings for her (the ones I have had, the ones I do have, and the ones I will have – they are MY feelings, let me have them!), will always be a part of me. I am trying to meld these feelings and these thoughts and these memories into something useful. I would much rather move on in life, able to be thankful to God for using MJ in my life, and able to be thankful feeling towards Mel, than the alternative. Why would I hate her? Why would I blame her? Above all, my greatest hope in life is to see her in heaven. There, she will be my forever sister. There, I will not be mad at her – so what is the point of being that way here on earth? No, I want to have good thoughts towards her. And, yes, I DO realize that I cannot have her. I KNOW this. But I still miss her, I still miss (my best friend ever!) what we had (short as it was, frustrating as it was, it was the best thing I have ever had in my life!), and I will always be grateful to her for the short time she dared to share a little bit of her heart with me. It was heaven on earth, to me.

So, my future; what does it hold? Obviously, not Melanie. But, one way or another, my life goes on, and my life has now been partially shaped by my experiences with her. So, when I say that she will always be a part of me, that is what I mean – if not for her and what I had to go through with her, I would not be the person that I am now, or the person that I will one day be. Yes, God could have used anybody or anything to accomplish some of these changes in me; but He didn’t. I am thankful to God, and to Melanie. She did not know God was using her, but He was and He did.

My future? I do not know. Something good. Hopefully, soon. A special someone, when I am ready. God’ll work it all out.






I have, within me, the ability to love. At times, I can positively feel it within me, struggling to break to the surface, looking for somebody to give to.

I realize that may sound “a little weird”. But, regardless of what you perceive as reality, my reality is based on my own perceptions. And I strongly believe that this last year or so of my life has (shaped me, like being worked on by a Master Craftsman) changed me. I am not who I once was. I’m not the old me; I’m something else. I am not the weak me, although I may still look like him on the outside – I am full of untapped potential.

I am not sure that I ever truly understood love. Not before all of this. I did not trust my feelings very much, let alone act on them. I did not understand God’s love for me, not compared to how I do now. And I certainly did not understand how to love a woman. All that thought of “giving” just wore me out, stressed me out; I couldn’t grasp it! But now, now things are different for me. I have gone through the fire, I have been tested, I…I don’t know how to explain it more accurately. But I am DIFFERENT. I am BETTER. I just know that I am. I sense it, I see it, I feel it.

I was sitting here, and looking at my work schedule. I realized that I was actually scheduled for yet another shift here at the old site, working by myself in an empty room full of memories that I cannot seem to escape, and the thought of doing that shift filled me full of absolute dread. So I made a phone call to my boss, told him that there are too many memories here for me to deal with, and asked his permission to switch a shift with somebody, change up the schedule. He told me that he was giving me his permission. Then I phoned the other work site (the new one, the open one) and got the cell-phone number of a staff member, whom I called and asked to change a shift . He agreed. Then I made one other change to the schedule, and now it ends up that in order to escape that shift, I had to schedule myself for a GraveYard shift. Which I gladly did.

I sat back and looked at my handiwork, and had to stop myself from grinning like an idiot (although, since I am alone here, what would it really matter?). I realized that I had just taken control of my own destiny in life, I had just made an incredible investment in my future and in my mental and emotional and spiritual health. Maybe it does not seem like such a huge big deal, but for me, it was a MONSTROUS huge decision. A GOOD decision. And, for the first time in quite some time, I can put my shoulders back and feel like a man. Makes me want to go outside and howl at the moon, so to speak. This is what life is about. Not letting life control you, but putting up the sails and letting God take the tiller and trusting that as long as you are moving forward then at least you know you are not dead yet.

This workplace has been my tomb for too long. I look forward to rolling the rock away from the door and stepping out into life. Enough being haunted, enough being taunted – now is my time to live.

Life is about love. If you want to get close to God, you have to love Him. Nothing will line you up with God’s will and God’s blessings and God’s Word quicker than being in love with Him. Then, we take the love that He bestows upon us, and we give that love to others around us. We treat others respectfully and kindly, and we share the love of Christ with them. To truly get somewhere in this life, you must love others. And to get somewhere in the “afterlife”, you must love God. God is love, so of course life is about love. The most important thing in life, is to love God. The second most, is to love others.

That is the legacy that I want to leave behind me. May my tombstone read, “He loved God passionately, and showed love to those around him.” My future starts now. May love transform me. I think it already has, don’t you?


And, thank You, Lord. Thank You for trusting me enough to allow me to go through the pain and heartbreak I’ve gone through, so that You could re-make me into the man You want me to be.



Here are the lyrics to the song “My Daddy Can Whip Your Daddy” by Disciple…

My God is I Am Who I Am
The spotless Lamb
He's the Son of Man
He's the absolute perfection
He's my resurrection
And by God He's my protection!

God is good, God is good
He's so freak'n awesome!

Draw close to Him
He draws close to me
His children are as the sands to the sea
He placed in me a redemption song
And when He's weakest, He's still strong

My God is as gentle as a dove come from above
Unconditional love
He's sacrificial through His son
Second to none
He's the Almighty Holy One!

God is so good, I love Him so much
He's done so much for me
My Daddy can whip your daddy!
My Daddy can whip your daddy!

Draw close to Him
He draws close to me
His children are as the sands to the sea
He placed in me a redemption song
And when He's weakest, He's still strong

My God is I Am Who I Am
The spotless Lamb
He's the Son of Man
He's the absolute perfection
He's my resurrection
And by God He's my protection!

My Daddy can whip your daddy!
My Daddy can whip your daddy!

life

Life is good.

Because i choose to see it that way today.

My future is bright. The tunnel has a light at the end, and I can see it. So i will keep moving towards it, one painstaking step at a time, until i reach it, and i break out into the open, leaving behind my shackles of captivity and running free through the shining bright meadows of God's goodness and grace.

Because i choose to.

God is good. Life is good. God is life.

A Life-Changing Shift

It is 5:15pm on June the 13th 2009. I am sitting here at my old (closed) work site, in this room all by myself for an 8 hour shift. I have been listening to music on my MP3 Player, trying to pass the time.

Truthfully, I am just sitting here alone, and it is reminding me too much of my life. The “aloneness” is closing in on me. I talk so much about being a giving person. But I am not really giving at all, I have nobody to give to!

Truth is, I am frightfully alone. I am unloved, or nearly so. And I have been this way, for far too long…

It has been nearly one full year since I thought any female loved me romantically. And even that one person, I now no longer even know if she ever did have feelings of love for me. She certainly never came out and told me that she did, although she hinted.

It has been 17 months since my last wife and I split up. She rejected me, and no longer wanted to live with me. Things with her were bad for about two months, really bad, before we split up. My last wife, did she even ever love me? I mean, I cannot honestly think of a time she was passionate and tender and caring towards me. She just always seemed to be judging me, and I always seemed to come up short (to her and her impossible standards). She was always asking me for more, and never opening herself up and giving to me from her heart (which is what I desired). I feel like I could never quite reach her. We did not so much grow apart, as it was more like we were never really together. She was a closed book, keeping so much of what she thought and felt to herself. We rarely did things together. We seldom laughed and enjoyed life together. Really, it wasn’t much of a marriage at all.

So, the question remains, how long has it been since I was actually romantically loved and cared for?

Well, my first wife and I have been divorced now for about 7 years, I believe. That means we were married for 8 years (?) and together for 10 years. She and I, for the most part, got along fairly well, particularly at the beginning. We, for all intents and purposes, grew up together. But “rockiness” had its fair share of this relationship. We split up once before we were married, and twice afterwards. She kicked me out once (on Father’s Day), and left me in the middle of the night another time. She took my daughter from me, and asked me not to have anything to do with her. Between the time we first started dating, and our eventual divorce, she slept with more people than I can count, and she acted inappropriately with scores of others. And, as she told me, she only hooked up with me to escape her parents. Although for a lot of times we were best friends, and although we get along to this day “fairly well”, I have to ask the obvious question – is this what real love looks like? Was this relationship a real love relationship, being treated in this fashion? Oh, I wasn’t perfect; I was certainly immature and lacking confidence in my life. Bu honestly, a person who says “I love you” has to show it in their actions as well. Too many of the things that went on in this past relationship, showed the opposite of love.

So again, I sit here pondering, and I realize...now, I may be overstating things here, but…have I ever been loved in the way that God intended for me to be?

It is no wonder that I am so heartbroken. It is no wonder I am sitting here, alone, trying to choke back the tears of bitterness and pain and hurt.

You know what? Here is what I want. Here is what I am asking God for.

I am not asking God for the perfect woman. There is no such thing, I know that. I am not asking God for a woman who needs no work. I WANT a woman who needs work, a woman who needs ME.

I am asking God for a woman who loves Him passionately.

Other than that, the only thing that matters to me right now, is something that may be a little selfish, but maybe I feel like I have earned the right to ask for something for myself for once. What I want, is a Godly woman who will take one look at me, and KNOW, honestly KNOW, that I am the man God is leading her to. Just one look. One look, and know. And then she will act on it.

My first wife, she latched onto me because she wanted somebody to take her away from her parents.

My second wife, I had to pursue and convince her that we should be together. And she never really seemed to be convinced, she certainly never believed that God put us together.

That other woman that I loved (love still?), God put me into her life, I gave like I have never given before (still would give?), and she walked away from me, scared because I was an unknown to her. She would rather the devil that she knew, rather than face an unknown. She chose sickness over health, darkness over light, pain over healing, death over life, sin over God. And she still carries my heart with her. She is the first one I have ever given my heart to, who would not give back to me. That hurts me, like a cancer on the inside of my heart and my soul. She has forever changed who I am – for better or for worse, I do not always know. But I am a different person because of her, and I can never go back to who I was before she broke into my life. Like a bright shooting star, she appeared in my sky and she changed me on the inside, and then she fizzled and disappeared from view all too suddenly, leaving me in the darkness, without direction.

So, now, I want somebody to know that I am “the one”, and for her to pursue me. Oh, not forever. I do not expect to sit back and do nothing. But I want the opportunity to feel special, to feel blessed of God, and to be given a priceless gift.

Is that too much to ask? Does not a lifetime of pain and frustration deserve a little happiness and love?

Is God not a God of love, a God of giving, a God of good gifts?

Do I ask wrongly?

Well God, do I?

Can I?

May I?

Will You?

Please…



As far as MJ goes, I can’t be angry with her. Not ever. In spite of the pain and brokenness she left me with, she is my shooting star. She changed my life, and I LIKE (most of) the changes in me. She is my shooting star, and I wish I could see her again. But it is probably best that I do not, because nothing between us will ever likely be like it was before. I don’t want pale imitations and shadows of love; I want the real, God-ordained thing. I want it all, and I want it ASAP. Life is wasting away, I’m not getting any younger, and I am bored on my own. “MJ, wherever you are, may God find you, save you, change you, and bless you, in that order. I’ll see you in heaven. All my heart, Dredd Sweet.”

One more question – Do I feel things so deeply because I am a poet, or am I a poet because I feel things so deeply?

From “Black”, the novel by Christian author Ted Dekker, comes these 2 lines, lines that speak volumes to me about Who God is, and about how my life’s experiences bring me closer to Him.
‘ This was the Great Romance. To love at any cost.’

Yes, love is the most important thing there is, because God is love. And all love has a price. You must be willing to hurt, even to die, to truly experience what real love is. So, I do not regret loving MJ. I loved her, and in some way I still do. I loved, and that love burned me inside, it seared and singed my soul. I survive the pain, but it leaves me with a limp. Like Jacob wrestling The Angel. I did what God said for me to do, I loved MJ with all of my heart; I did not win her, but I did win a knowledge of what real love is, and my heart’s limp will always remind me of what I have gained.

This is some pretty deep stuff, isn’t it?

It is exciting! I am…I, just like you who are reading this, I am discovering things as I write this.

I have known for quite some time that MJ was a blessing in my life. But, just now, I am discovering what a HUGE blessing she was to me! A gift from God.

See, let me explain. When I was a teenager, God used a small kitten to show me that He loved me. Ever since that moment, a cat has always been a sign of God’s love to me.

But, God showed me last year, He showed me how to love another person, with a love that is not selfish but giving.

When I was a teenager, God used a cat to show me that He loved me. Then, last year He used Melanie to show me that I was capable of taking that love He has for me, and pouring that love into somebody else for their benefit.

So, I have been thinking about this. See, a cat will always be, to me, a sign of God’s love for me. In the same way, I truly believe that my ability to love another person (in the right way) will always be linked in my mind with MJ.

And, in that way, she (and my love for her) will always live on within me. And that thought makes me smile. Which reminds me of a Galactic Cowboys song lyric that says, “You make me smile, when it’s said and done.” God is extremely good to me. Melanie never has to leave my heart, because she will be intrinsically linked to any love relationship that I have in my life, through God’s gift to me that He worked through my friendship with her. That is so cool!

I have not lost Melanie. I carry her with me in my heart. And my limp, my inner hurts, they are God’s reminder to me of what took place, of the price that was paid to learn a secret so great that a price had to be paid to learn it. God, You are so good to me! Thank You!

I now do not have to be saddened about the pain that I am sometimes in. Rather, I can view this with pride, like a battle scar, like a great wound that I took in a battle to learn a great truth. And that makes it even more worthwhile than I already thought it was!

It is okay for me to be wounded. Like a war veteran, I can be proud that I was wounded fighting for a great prize, and capturing it in the end. I found how to love, and that is worth everything that I had to give (and more). I captured a great prize, and now I get to give that prize away to the next love of my life. I never realized when I first started spending time with MJ that she would be the key to my being able to make my next relationship work, but that it would not be my relationship with her. Isn’t it strange how God works?



Just doing some more thinking. Thank God that I am good at it, ‘cause I do an awful lot of it!

Here is what I think. I AM IMPORTANT. No, bear with me. This is not me being a megalomaniac. I am a person who throughout life has never been comfortable in my own skin. I have had to deal with a severe inferiority complex through most of my life, as well as a case of Attention Deficit Disorder that I never knew I had until I was an adult. I have always felt disassociated with what goes on around me, like I am not a part of everything I see. What I am saying, is that I am not reaching for grandeur with this comment.

Bear with me. When I say that I am important, I mean it in the best way possible. Not meaning that I am more important than anyone else. Just that I am more important than I thought I was, that I actually do have purpose to my life.

I thought Melanie Joy Young was my purpose. To some extent, she was. I now realize, she was PART of my purpose.

She was the instrument that God is using (still!) to awaken me. I thought she was my reason for being here on earth, to see her saved and to love her. And I thought I had lost my purpose, lost my God-given destiny, when I lost her. This is why I am alone, why I am unhappy. I have no destiny. But…

But, I am beginning to see things differently. Mel was just a PART of my destiny. I cannot say that I know where my destiny lies, but it does lie in whatever direction God eventually points me. And, part of my destiny required me to learn how to love properly. And God used Mel to teach me that. Yes, He could have used anyone. But, He used MJ for a reason. He knew I would find (and lose, for a while) a sense of destiny with her (one that I had NEVER had before). Also, He wanted me to be a witness to her (planting and watering seeds that yield a crop of salvation). He called me, and I answered. I was shown to be faithful. For once, for maybe the first time in my despicable life, I was shown to be faithful (“Hurrah!”). God called, I answered. I showered with love, I gave and gave and gave, I prayed until my voice was hoarse and my tear-ducts dried up. I believed, and so I went on, as long as I could last, no matter what I saw (looking past what I could see, and standing strong in faith), because I believed and because I wanted to obey. I also wanted to win. I see now, that the “victory” would take a much different form than I could ever guess at that time.

So, I still have a destiny. I was not wrong to see MJ as part of my destiny, I was just wrong in believing that she was ALL of my destiny. God still has a plan for me. He has not strayed from it. I have not derailed it. All is still in His hands.

Now, to just get that from my thick head, to my limping heart…





I don’t want to be ordinary.

I want to have God live through me.


“How Long” By Idle Cure


Some say You're there
Some say they're never quite the same
A gentle whisper deep within my soul
Some say You will
Some say You heal the hearts of men
My heart is in Your ever-loving hands

How long You have waited for me
How long You have given love so free

Some choose the hard road
The narrow path
A changing of my will
I need Your love and strength
within my heart

How long You have waited for me
How long You have given love so free

So I'm reaching out to You
Hope is more than just a dream
I want to give my life to You
When I feel that I am all alone
When the world comes crashin' round me
I look to You, Your love surrounds me
‘Cause I found myself in You

All the time I thought that love
would pass me by
You heard my cry
Now You're here inside of me

So I'm reaching out to you
Hope is more than just a dream
I want to give my life to You
When I feel that I am all alone
When the world comes crashin' round me
I look to You, Your love surrounds me
‘Cause I found myself in You

She

She had never met anybody like me.

In her 35 years of existence, i was something brand-new and ne'er-seen-before in her life.

I confused her. She couldn't completely understand me, or where i was coming from, because she was filtering things through her earthly experiences; i, on the other hand, was coming from a place of higher knowledge and deep unearthly love.

She couldn't put me in a box. In the end, that confused her - she likes to be in control of things, and even when she is not, she pretends to be so as to placate herself and her fears. She couldn't put me in a box, because she did not understand me. That confusion worried her, and rocked her world. So, she pushed me away. And, she found that the less she was around me, and the less influence she allowed me to have, the easier it was for her to explain things away in her own mind. It was easier to return to old patterns of thinking and of doing, and not have to stretch towards something that she did not know (and therefore scared her).

The less she was around me, the more she could mold her thoughts about me in such a way as to compartmentalize and make me fit (in her own head, if not in reality) into a box that she created.

That box, with me in it, became her reality. She thought it, she believed it, and thus, to her, it was so.

And, for me, that was the end of nearly everything.

Everything i believed, everything i wanted, everything i had dreamt, everything i had asked for...nearly everything was taken from me, when she left me behind. She took my present, and my future. Or, at least it feels like it. Still. It STILL feels like it.

Days like this...actually, almost every day is a day like this...on days like this, i feel like i gave my heart, and she ran off and hid it somewhere, and i will never be able to find it, and so i can never love again.

Two failed marriages.
A life full of disappointments.

You would think that these things are the major issues in my life.

But no. Instead, it is this girl, this one girl, who i still feel soul-love for, it is this one girl that has shattered my life into pieces.

I may go on, i may get up each day, go to work, read my Bible, do the things that are expected of me. Occasionally, i may even smile and laugh and cry.

But, in the end, i go to bed each night, wondering if she will ever give my heart back to me, so that i can go on with my life.

And i have no answer.

There is no answer.

She WAS my answer. But now she is gone. And i live, but feel not alive.

She had never met anyone like me. And she never will again. Because i was meant to be in her life, i was sent into her life, and she rejected both me and the One Who sent me.

She still carries me with her, whether she knows it or not, because she was my mission...

Don't get me wrong, friend. I am NOT feeling sorry for myself. See, i do not blame anybody for how things turned out - this is just the way the cookie crumbled. No blaming. No pity. In truth, if i were offered the choice to go back and re-do this all, i would gladly do it all again...and change NOTHING. Even knowing how disappointed i am, and how my life seems to not make sense without her in it, i would still do everything the same way.

See, i did this, and i can hold my head high about all this, because i was ASKED to. This was my mission. Maybe i failed. Maybe i was never meant to succeed, just offer. Who, besides God, knows? Not I! God isn`t telling, and i am not asking. What is the point, it isn`t like i want MORE pain and misery in my head and my heart!

I did what it was appointed me to do. But, my mission is not complete, and it will not be complete until i know that i will see her in heaven. My goal, my primary goal, it was always about her heart belonging to Jesus, not to me.

And that, i truly believe, is why i still feel for her. Because God granted me the ability to feel a little bit of what He feels for her, and that heart-memory lingers on within me. I was privileged and blessed to have been sent into her life. I did not deserve that calling, but it was given, and I answered. And, should God ever in my life call me back into her life to complete that mission, even though i risk more pain, i will go and go gladly.

In the meantime, i wait where i am, and hope God heals the wound in my heart.

love it

I love this song, but i do not have the lyrics. I tried to sort them out by listening, but the mumbling got to me and i got lost part-way through, but here is what i got, anyways...

"There Goes The One" by Blackball

There goes the one that I had,
There goes the one that I knew,
It lies abandoned like a
Useless conversation.
There goes the one that I had,
There goes the one that I knew,
It’s stuck inside me like
Some memory gone rotten all the time.

And you said you’re never gonna change,
And it seems to me, seems to me
You’ve always stayed the same

There goes the one that I had,
There goes the one that I knew,
Still heavy to carry
So I just pick it up from time to time
There goes the one that I had,
There goes the one that I knew,







Yeah, that is all i could make out, sorry. :-(

On another note, i am down on love right now. Feeling useless and unloveable. Just alone, and feeling lonely right now. A depressing state of affairs. I hate being single in the summer - all those happy couples out and about doing stuff together, everybody laughing and happy and smiling and stuff. That is hard on us single folks, you know! That is probably why i never leave my apartment - too much depression out there waiting for me.

Besides, i am too nice of a guy to ever find another woman. Women do not want nice guys. I know this, because all of the best ones end up in relationships with total jerks, and the women ruin their lives.

Love is stupid.

truly

I found this to be a truly beautiful line from Woody Allen's movie "Hollywood Ending";


- "Did you fall in love with your ex-husband?"
- "No. [ pause ] I never stopped loving him."

p-full

Powerful lyrics, from Dream Theater's song entitled "This Dying Soul"


I wanna feel your body breaking
Wanna feel your body breaking and shaking and left in the cold
I want to heal your conscience making a change to fix this dying soul
This dying soul

Now that you can see all you have done
It's time to take that step into the kingdom
All your sins will only make you strong
And help you break right through the prison wall

Help me
Save me
Heal me
I can't break out of this prison all alone

These tormenting ghosts of yesterday
Will vanish when exposed
You can't hold onto your secrets
They'll only send you back alone

Your fearless admissions
Will help expel your destructive obsessions
With my help I know you can
Be at one with God and man

Hear me
Believe me
Take me
I'm ready to break through this prison wall



Cuz, me, I AM ready to break through this prison wall. Too long, too fenced in, too beaten down, all on my own, twisting my self and my own life into my own tormented hell. I WILL break through this prison wall! God, help me to break through...God, help me...

take me

The lyrics to "As I Am" by Dream Theater



Don't
Tell me what's in
Tell me how to write
Don't tell me how to win
This fight
Isn't your life
It isn't your right
To take the only thing that's
Mine

Proven over time
It's over your head
Don't try to read between the
Lines
Are clearly defined
Never lose sight of
Something you believe in

Takin' in the view from the outside
Feeling like the underdog
Watching through the window, I'm on the outside
Living like the underdog

I've been trying to justify you
In the end I will just defy you

To those who understand, I extend my hand
To the doubtful I demand, take me as I am
Not under your command, I know where I stand
I won't change to fit your plan, Take me as I am

As I am

Still
Running uphill
Swimming against the current
I wish I weren't so
$@%#ed
Feels like I'm stuck
Lost in a sea of mediocrity

"Slow down,
You're thinking too much
Where is your soul?"
You cannot touch
The way I
Play
Or tell me what to say
You're in the way
Of all that I believe in

Takin' in the view from the outside
Feeling like the underdog
Watching through the window, I'm on the outside
Living like the underdog
I've been wasting my breath on you
Open minds will descend upon you

To those who understand, I extend my hand
To the doubtful I demand, take me as I am
Not under your command, I know where I stand
I won't change to fit your plan, take me as I am

lyrics i lykie!

Lyrics to "I Knew It" by Powerman 5000


The opposite of bravery has always been conformity
Don't trust your friends, they'll sell you out
'Cause they don't know what you're about
They want to change everything

To make you fit don't be so strange
But listen up and see it through
I'll say it now, they know less than you

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it was true
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, so why didn't you?

The enemy within yourself
Is always blaming someone else
Don't trust yourself you're not ok
Your time will come but not today

They clamp down on your neck
You're giving up with no respect
I think i know what's up your sleeve
But what you see now you cannot believe

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it was true
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, so why didn't you?




I love that line - "The opposite of bravery has always been conformity"
Even as a Christian, one should never be afraid to take risks, to be yourself, to love God passionately and know that He loves you the same.

So, I have decided something. What it is, is to do something (soon) that i have been playing around with the thought of for a while now. What, you ask? Not gonna tell you. You'll know it, when it is done, cuz i will tell then.

I just gotta be me!

3 best things

The three best things about Game 6 of the 2009 Stanley Cup Finals...


3) The inspired play of Pittsburgh forward Tyler Kennedy.

2) The fact that Detroit defenceman Nicklas Lidstrom has looked very ordinary this series.

1) An emotional Canadian icon, Donald S. Cherry, breaking down and weeping as he talked about the death of another Canadian soldier in Afghanistan.

Game, 7, Friday night.

Go Pens go!

new musical revolution

We need a new musical revolution. Music needs to be taken back, back by the artists and the people, back away from the money-grubbing whores that sell us crap we don't want.

Just for once, sell me music on its own basis, not becuz somebody sounds like somebody else who is currently selling well, and not becuz this artist endorses this brand of athletic apparel on TV or this artist has the hottest backup dancers on their videos. Hey...who cares!?!?!?!?

Music, is supposed to be about the music, NOT about the money that can be made off of it!


"That's Entertainment" by Powerman 5000

What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
What have we got?
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we got!

Check out all these rock stars,
Come on watch them suffer,
So very sad
And I hope you agree.

Not enough attention,
Oh, and did I mention,
Life is tough
Mr. Platinum CD.

What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we've got!
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we've got!

(Ouuuuuuuu-oh-ouuuuuu-ouuuu)

Look at all the pop stars
Thinkin' that they're in charge,
Let's see who's
The biggest whore.

Come on, shake your asses
Only for the masses,
You write the songs
And I'll lip-sync 'em on tour.

What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we've got!
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we've got!

(Set your soul on fire)

People come together,
Nothing lasts forever,
Consume it all
And we will supply.

Life is for the famous fools
And all the shameless,
And everything that
Money can buy.

What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we've got!
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
Yeah, yeah...

What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we've got!

What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we've got!

p-less

I feel so powerless to help. It is such a sad thing that i have come to realize - that I am unable to help anyone.

I have so much compassion for so many people that i know, people that I work with, etcetera. But, even in my compassion for them and for the mess that their lives are in, I am totally, utterly, completely powerless to help them.

As I am coming to learn, only God can fix people; I can't.


On another note, i sure am enjoying what Creflo Dollar has been preaching on lately. i tape his stuff and watch it later, currently i am a few weeks behind. Just recently, he preached an amazing couple of messages on the stark reality of hell and the suffering therein, and at the end hundreds of people came forward to get saved and to recommit their lives to Christ.

After that, he has now moved on to preaching about what sin does. In particular, he is talking about sexual sin (fornication, sex outside of marriage). He lays out that although God forgives us for these sins, that we cannot walk around thinking these sins are okay somehow, and shows what God really thinks and says about these things in His Word. Pastor Dollar then shows the effects of these sins, both on the world around us and in our own lives, and how we may get forgiveness for the sin but still have to reap the consequences in our lives, in our childrens' lives, and in the community and the world around us. Scary stuff indeed, and very very true! God's Word is not to be tread on, nor are His laws to be pushed aside!

Let Go

the lyrics to the song "Let Go" by Adema


Contemplating my strange life
The sun starts to fall into the ground
A breeze picks up off the waves
And everything is fine

Let go of all of your pain

I know that I am not alone
Everyone makes mistakes and starts to learn with time
I am content with who I am
There's nothing more I need to say
I'm happy with my life

Let go of all of your pain
Let go of all of your pain
Let go and you'll escape
You'll be happy with yourself
Let go of all of your pain

Let go of the pain
Let go of all of your pain
Let go of all of your pain
Let go and you'll escape
You'll be happy with yourself
Let go of all of your pain

Let go
Let go
And release all this pain
Let go
Let go
And release all this pain
Let go
Let go
And release all this pain
Let go
Let go

Of all of the pain

today.

This is my daily devotional for June 7th...





You are....God's own possession.

1 Peter 2:9 (NCV)



God loves you simply because He has chosen to do so.



He loves you when you don't feel lovely.

He loves you when no one else loves you.



Others may abandon you, divorce you, and ignore you, but God will love you. Always. No matter what.










Isn't that simply awesome!?!

Promises

"Promises" by Adema



I went outside to take a walk
So I could relive memories
I thought that you would lend a hand
But you were never ever there

It's all in your mind
You do what you wanna do

Your promises are all played out
You've got your wish, you've worn me down
I treated you the best I could
I realize that I don't need you

I lost my way when you left home
I thought that you could change your life
What did I do, why do you lie?
You've walked back in, my hands are tied

It's all in your mind
You do what you wanna do

Your promises are all played out
You've got your wish, you've worn me down
I treated you the best I could
I realize that I don't need you

It's all in your mind
You do what you wanna do

It's all in your mind
You do what you want to me

I'm tired, I'm so damn angry
With you
You're not gonna change
I see who you really are

Your promises are all played out
You've got your wish, you've worn me down
I treated you the best I could
I realize that I don't need you

Your promises
Your promises
Your promises
They're all played out
You're so played out
You're so played out
You're so played out
They're all played out

3

Three critical albums.

I love these albums. Just yesterday, I put all three of them in my car.

I absolutely love albums that have not a weak song on them.

These three albums are...

"Unstable" by Adema
"Train Of Thought" by Dream Theater
"Transform" by Powerman 5000

Not for the weak, these hard rock albums bring down the house, from start to end.

3.
Three albums that I absolutely love.
'Nuff said.

How Imp.

How important is it to be believed in by somebody?

I believe it is HUGELY important.

Now, how important is it to believe in somebody else?

Something I have discovered in life, is this; all the things we want, all the things that we need, all the things that we tend to rely on those around us to give us, all these things are the things we need to GIVE to those we love.

It is not by getting that we feel good about ourselves – it is by giving.

In my life, I want to be loved. I feel that aching desire within me. Planted by God, watered by circumstance, it is a real need.
But I am older now than I once was, and more mature and more wise as well. I have come to discover that just as much as I want to BE loved, I want to GIVE love.

Last year, somebody special came into my life. She meant everything to me. And, you know what? It is actually debateable whether or not she loved me. But, still, she was important to me. I have discovered her purpose in my life (well, one of them, anyways). Her purpose was to teach me that 'I was made to give love'. I was created to be involved in somebody’s life, to give them my every best wish and prayerful best desires, to care for and about them in ways that stretch my soul to its very limit.

Because, that is what makes me a true human, and a true Christian. And that is what makes me feel good about myself and my life. Finding that one person to care about that way, and then giving even far beyond what you have to give. That is what makes life worthwhile. That is what makes my life mean something.


On another (connected) note, I really do miss being in love. It is a rush that just cannot be believed.
I miss flirting. Oh, not the sensual and sexual sort of flirting, but those things you say and do to let the other know that you are very interested in them.
I miss the meaningful glances. I miss the “accidental” brushing against the skin of the other.
I miss saying “I love you” and meaning it with all of my heart, and having the sentiment returned back to you, causing you to almost pass out for joy.
I miss waking up with a smile on my face, because I know that somebody loves me.

Some of these things, I can get from my relationship with God. But only the things that I am meant to get from Him. Some of these great benefits of earthly love, are just that – benefits of earthly love. God created love, and He created many levels of love. Just as I cannot get from another human being the love that will fill up the God-shaped hole in my soul, so also I cannot expect my relationship with God to give me some of the benefits that can only be gotten by loving (and being loved by) another human being.

So, yes, I do miss being in love. I look forward to one day being in love again.

And this time, it is going to be so great, so beautiful, so God-ordained, that it is going to make up for all those other failures.

Interview

Just caught this awesome interview with Michael Sweet, reminiscing about Stryper, talking about his new gig as the frontman for the legendary band Boston, and of course speaking to him about the recent passing of his wife Kyle.

The interview can be found on this webpage, simply scroll down until you see the Michael Sweet interview and click the link.

http://www.drewmarshall.ca/rss/tdms.rss

It is a radio interview, and lasts for 47 minutes. Please take time to listen to the whole thing, it is very moving and encouraging; I think it had me in tears more than a few times. And do not forget to say a prayer for Michael and his kids.

Apropos

Came upon this yesterday.

A poem written during the break-up of my first marriage.

Thought I'd share it here. Seems to go along with how i feel about various things yesterday and today.


This was written November 26th, 2002.



But I'm Alright


She left me all alone
Even the piano's gone
I came home and no one's there
I found her note and said a prayer
I'm alone in this life
Black has replaced our strife
I'm living without you
I survive another day
No one gets in my way
I'm alone, but I'm alright
Now music is my friend
Hear the sounds and drink them in
Silence won't reign here as king
I lift my voice and I will sing
I'm alone in this life
I'm living without strife
I get by without you
I survive another day
No one gets in my way
I'm alone, but I'm alright
You thought you'd do me in
Like a top give me a spin
I surprise you and rejoice
My pain it leaves as I give it voice
I'm alone in this life
Grey has covered over strife
I'm living without you
I'll survive another day
And no one gets in my way
I'm alone, but I'm alright
I'm alone in my life
I've gained it all as I lost my wife
I'm living without you
I can survive so many days
And your memory I erase
I'm alone, but I'm alright
I'm alone, but I'm alright
I'm alone, and that's alright

2nd place

The Bible says that I am a winner, not a loser, and that I am the head and not the tail.

I am feeling a little morose today. This always seems to happen on days when i have to visit the courthouse over my divorce.

Here is the thing. I know God's Word is true...but when do i SEE it be true?

When it comes to love, i am everybody's second choice. My first wife so kindly (lol) told me that she married me only to get away from her mother. My second wife picked me becuz nobody else was calling at the time, and she was tired of being alone. And as soon as her ex-husband showed up on the scene, she almost left me for him. Then, the woman i most recently (although it seems to be a lifetime ago already) fell for, i was her second choice, her "safewty net", the guy she would run to if things did not work out where she was - then, even though they did not work out like she wanted it to, she stayed with that first choice anyways.

I seem to only be attractive to women who are in bad relationships, but choose to stay in them. Or, women only want to be with me until something better comes around. I am always "door number two", the prize that eventually gets traded in for a toaster and a month's supply of whole-grain bread.

"Nice guys finish last". Well, in this world, it seems (so far) to be reality. Life isn't fair; never has been, never will be.

Pete

R.I.P. Peter Zezel, only 44 years old.

yawn

6AM...time for bed. But first...

Lincoln Brewster – All I Really Want

Lord I love the way You love me
And how You move me deep within
Lord I love the way You hold me
And draw me into You
Lord I love the way You bless me
And how You look into my heart
Lord I love the way You lead me
Right into Your arms

CHORUS:
God I praise Thee
You amaze me
Take my life
And let Your light shine through
Jesus Savior friend of sinners
Fill me up
Cuz all I really want is more of You



Lincoln Brewster – All The Earth Will Sing Your Praises

You took, You take our sins away oh God
You give and gave Your life away for us
You came down, You saved us thru the cross
Our hearts are changed because of Your great love

You lived, You died, You said in three days You would rise
You did, You're alive
You rule, You reign, You said You're coming back again
I know You will and all the earth will sing Your praises

No one, no name can rise above You Lord
One hope, one life will shine forever more
Your kingdom in heaven and on earth
Your children stand to sing of your great worth

just

Just chil-axing', doing a little blogging lately over at

http://ward-of-gorion.blogspot.com/

my story tonight

Lincoln Brewster - Everlasting God



Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer.

You are the everlasting God,
The everlasting God.
You do not faint,
You won't grow weary.
You're the defender of the weak,
You comfort those in need,
You lift us up on wings like eagles.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer.

You are the everlasting God,
The everlasting God.
You do not faint,
You won't grow weary.
You're the defender of the weak,
You comfort those in need,
You lift us up on wings like eagles.

You are the everlasting God,
The everlasting God,
The everlasting God,
The everlasting...

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.

(child speaking)

The Lord is the everlasting God,
The creator of all the Earth,
He never grows weak or weary,
No one can measure the depths of His understanding,
He gives power to the weak, and strength to the powerless,
Even youth will become weak and tired,
And young men will fall in exhaustion,
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength,
They will soar high on wings like eagles,
They will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and not faint,

Moving On

Moving on.

Moving on is not a simple thing.

I once thought it was, many years ago; I discovered that was not true. When my first marriage broke up for the last time, I met somebody. She was kind to me, and we hung out together. Eventually, we fell in love and got married. I thought I was over my first wife, over the marriage break-up. I found out, I was not.

Moving on. I am a guy, always have been. I do not know what it is like to be a girl, nor will I ever know. As a guy, I know form experience that many guys “get over” break ups and “move on” in life, by getting angry. They get enraged at the woman, they draw upon those negative and angry feelings that are always near the surface thanks to testosterone, and that is how they move on.

I do not wish to go that route. Anger destroys you, it does not heal you. It isn’t a solution, just a crippling disease that focuses your emotions somewhere other than your pain and loss.

Another way to get over somebody you have loved and cared for, is to find somebody else to care about. You know what? Truthfully, this sounds like a good option. I believe I have a lot to give, a lot to offer somebody. But herein lies the problem; as I have already discovered, you can set yourself up for a greater world of pain if you jump into one relationship without dealing with previous feelings first. I thought I was ready to move on when I met Rachelle, my second wife, I really did! But it took me a few years more before I had totally dealt with those emotional roadblocks from my first marriage. And it ruined the start of my second marriage, setting us on an uneven foundation.

So, the question remains; how do I move on?

It sounds so easy to make myself available to lover again. In theory, it is the correct thing to do. But which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Do I finish healing first and THEN get into another relationship, or do I finish my healing BY becoming involved with somebody else and truly moving on?

Is there an answer? If there is, I do not see it.

hurts come to light

Just got in the door from work. Thoughts flowing and cascading like a cacophony of sweet devouring…stuff. Must write them out – must purge them from myself, before I implode.


There is a part of me that believes that love is not just by chance. That love is too important in life, that it may possibly be the MOST important thing of all, and therefore surely it cannot just be by fluke when it happens. Oh, I know, there is a rational (mature?) part of me that argues against that – it tells me that love is just an emotion, and that people get into trouble by falling in love with those who are not right for them. Well, that part of me may be correct, but so is the other part. See, I can see and know and recognize those mature elements of life to be true…but I also know that Christ calls us to follow Him as little children, trusting in Him, following after what we cannot see with our five senses. It is called faith – and love, love is a lot like faith, isn’t it?

I believe in love. I believe that I am an artistic person, a “lover” if you will. I also see that this artistic part of me is trapped within the brain of a “thinker”. I like to know what is going on, and to analyze it.

Sigh…o woe is me, wretched man that I am, to be so trapped and divided within my own self! Makes me realize that I am a lot like the biblical King David, the one who wrote all those psalms – trying to figure life out, and throwing himself upon the mercy of God when he cannot. That’s me.

What am I trying to say? Something about love, I believe, but I cannot seem to force it out of my brain!

Let me lay it out on an emotional level, rather than an intellectual level, maybe that’ll help me get it out…

I hurt. Until this last year, never before had I loved a woman and not had that love returned, not had that woman in my arms and in my life, not married her and wanted to be with her and treat her right. I have never had to deal with rejection, in some ways. Oh, I know I have been divorced twice, but at least I was accepted BEFORE I was rejected (and much later), so that helps a lot. But this…this is different. This has affected me deeply. I GRIEVE. My heart, my soul, my spirit…they HURT.

There are some crazy parts of me that pop up on occasion, some things that suggest that what I am really doing is holding on to (insane) beliefs that even though MJ-and-I is deader-than-dead, that one day we will be alive again, in love. Together. Is that insane? Yes, for the most part, it is. It is not rational thinking or rational hope. But, I am a lover, and I cannot help thinking that way on occasion.

Makes me wonder some things.

For instance, how badly did I mess this situation up? Isn’t it possible that God had wanted me to be her friend, just her friend, to stick by her and support her, to never give up on her, until one day she was free to love me as well? Yes, it is possible. But, I will never know, unless God chooses to tell me so (and I will NOT ask Him).

I know it was wrong of me to love her, and to expect her to love me, when I was saved and she is not.

BUT…love is not just a fluke. It happens, and I truly believe it always happens for a reason.

I may have messed up my future, and hers. I may have screwed up royally, worse than I ever have before.

Those are dark thoughts, but that is where my mind can lead me, when I hurt so much in such deep places within myself.

I do not like me without her. Even though I never had her, I still do not feel complete without her in my life. She was every dream I had ever wanted. Now, she is gone. And I feel dead, stripped bare and laid out to rot. When she slipped away from me, I not only died, but in some deep level within me I die again anew every day.

My mind says one thing, and my mind may be right. Yet my heart’s pain cannot be silenced.

What do I want?

That is a good question.

On one hand, I want to stop hurting.

On another, to stop hurting by way of forgetting about MJ and what she has meant to me…maybe I would rather keep suffering within, rather than let go of everything?

Maybe what I still want, is to know that even though I screwed up, that God can make something beautiful of this. I do not want to limit God or place restrictions on Him, so I will not be stupid enough to say that the only beautiful thing that can come of this is if Melanie comes back to me and loves me. I just think…that of all the beautiful things that COULD happen, that would be the MOST beautiful thing that I could imagine. It doesn’t make it likely. Of course, the least likely thing in this world happened already to me – God came down to earth and lived a sinless life as a man and died a horrible death on the cross to save me. Somehow, when I look at that, when I think about that, then NO good thing will God withhold from me. That is a given, a surety. I…just am not sure if this desire is a good thing, or not.

So, what do I know? That God loves me, that God desires to bless me. That I need to be open to that blessing, no matter what form it takes. That I feel like crying right now, but I cannot quite do it. That I still love Melanie Joy Young. That I am a lover, and a realist, and that I have to be BOTH, not just one. That, other than these things, I do not know much of anything.

But, this has been good for me. I mean…how long has it been since I admitted that I love her? How long has it been since I realized that I still would take her in my life, in a heartbeat? I seem to have hidden these things deep within myself, and only just now have I realized that they still live (and that I do not ever want them to die).

Being honest, being honest with yourself is a good thing, right? Right?

Melanie is NOT a bad person. Maybe my expectations of her were unreal. Maybe. Or maybe my timeframe for those expectations was too pushy, too insensitive, too needy. Regardless, she is what she is. She is unsaved, ungodly, ruled by sin. It’s not her fault, though – she was born that way! God (and I) desire to see her saved. To see her life changed from within by God’s abiding presence. It can happen to her. I pray that it does. I will die unhappy, if it does not. She means…she means oh so much to me! She makes my heart ache, for the beauty of her on the inside.

I will never meet somebody like her. I have trouble truthfully imagining that if I ever love anybody else, that they can ever hold a candle to her, and that I might be "settling" (for second best, or outside of God's perfect will) if I choose to love another. I may be insane to think that, and I may be ruining my future to think that, but it is STILL (even after all this time, even after things being dead for this long, even after all the crappy stuff that has happened, even though anything good happening is an impossibility!) the way that I feel!

She has affected me, and affected me for life. She captured my heart, I gave it willingly, and then she left…and now I have nothing.

No, my life is not all sadness. But…my life has a hole in it, and it is in the shape of Melanie. Nothing else will ever fill that part of me.

I have either found the greatest thing in the world in Melanie, or the worst thing in the world in Melanie. I guess it depends which part of me looks at it – the rational part, or the artistic part.

In the end, she is what she is. She is, what God has proclaimed her to be in my life, and in my heart. She is…a part of me.

Lord, make me whole again. I will not limit You, I will not close You in, I will not tell You or demand You to lead my life in a certain way lest I pray against Your will for me…so Lord, simply make me whole again, I ask in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Lord, I am a simple man. I just want to please You. Please Lord, be pleased with me, with my heart, with my honesty. Cuz i have nothing else to bring before You, but that. If You can use me, whether it be someday again in Melanie's life, or whether it be in the life of another, that is up to You. According to Your will, let my life go and be. Just make me whole again, Lord. Just make me whole again. Please...

I hurt. But at least by that, I know that I live.


As a small (but vitally important) add-on, I would like to point out that somebody today made this observation - that they felt that, yes, Melanie actually DID love me, and that she did not do everything she did to hurt me or be mean or to spite me.

I agree. I think, as well, that she did love me. That she did consider a life with me. That she was encouraged by me. That she liked being with me. That i was good for her.

Not wanting to put too much emphasis on this, but the devil hated that. And, so, we are where we are. And only God knows where we go from here.

And, He DOES know. I know He does.

from

my daily devotionals...




The Choice Is Ours

"I will make you My promised bride forever. I will be good and fair; I will show you My love and mercy."
Hosea 2:19 (NCV)

For all its peculiarities and unevenness, the Bible has a simple story. God made man. Man rejected God. God won't give up until He wins him back.

God will whisper. He will shout. He will touch and tug. He will take away our burdens; He'll even take away our blessings. If there are a thousand steps between us and Him, He will take all but one. But He will leave the final one for us. The choice is ours.

Please understand. His goal is not to make you happy. His goal is to make you His. His goal is not to get you what you want; it is to get you what you need.




That is so powerful. Let me emphasize that by re-saying it again...

Please understand. His goal is not to make you happy. His goal is to make you His. His goal is not to get you what you want; it is to get you what you need.

If only we could understand the truth in that, and hold onto it when times get tough and our sense of what's going on flounders in life, maybe then we would better understand both God and ourselves.

He's not Santa Claus; He's God, and there is no comparing the two. Apples and oranges are at least both still fruit; Santa Claus is a fictional figure, and God is "I AM", the Everlasting and Eternal One, the Alpha and the Omega, He is God and there is no other.

And that is why He is worthy to be praised, even when life is not what we thought it would be. Because He is still in control. He is still on the throne. He is still God. We just cannot understand everything He does or everything He chooses for us; and if we could, then He wouldn't be God.

And that is a good enough explanation for me. No matter what the question, the answer is "He is God."

Wisdom from...

Wisdom from the mouth of comic book characters...

"I think people are lonely. And it makes them sad. And I think some people can't tell the difference between being sad and being angry. They lash out at the people who care about them. I don't know. I guess I just feel sorry for them."

And, wisdom from my daily devotionals...

The Purpose of Life

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.
Matthew 22:37 (NCV)

Mine deep enough in every heart and you'll find it: a longing for meaning, a quest for purpose. As surely as a child breathes, he will someday wonder, "What is the purpose of my life?"

Some search for meaning in a career. "My purpose is to be a dentist." Fine vocation but hardly a justification for existence. They opt to be a human "doing" rather than a human "being." Who they are is what they do; consequently they do a lot. They work many hours because if they don't work, they don't have an identity.

For others, who they are is what they have. They find meaning in a new car or a new house or new clothes. These people are great for the economy and rough on the budget because they are always seeking meaning in something they own.... Some try sports, entertainment, cults, sex, your name it.

All mirages in the desert of purpose....

Shouldn't we face the truth? If we don't acknowledge God, we are flotsam in the universe.





And, then there is wisdom (or lack of understanding, perhaps?) from my own turmoiled life...
Here I sit, still heart-broken and confusion-wracked over a woman who i fell in love with a year or so ago. A woman who only briefly flirted with returning that love. A woman who i prayed for, every day, for many many months. A woman I believed in. A woman who God talked to me about, and a woman who I shared my faith in God with. A woman who needs to be saved. A woman i respected and believed in. A woman who abandoned me and hurt me badly, and now tries to ruin my reputation and get me fired, for no good reason. A woman i still have some feelings for. A woman that i still miss having in my life.
Where is the wisdom in this? Where is the sense, the reason?
Where is the way out? How do i stop the loop in my mind? How do i move on, truly move on?
No answers. Just questions. And i KNOW there are no answers. But it does not make the questions go away. Oh, sometimes i do not think them. Sometimes a day or two or maybe even three goes by, until i think about her again. But always, my mind comes back, to a better time for me, a time when i thought she was everything that i wanted, a time i thought i was good for her, a time i thought i was doing what was right and was following my spiritual destiny, a time i felt useful and truly alive for the first time in my life.
But, the here and now is different for me. Adrift. Unmoored. I once almost had everything i thought was supposed to be mine. I was THAT close to everything i wanted, for once i actually believed i deserved to be happy and that i was going to be happy. I had never been that close to earthly perfection and bliss before. Everything was within my reach. Then came that one dreaded word, the word that i detest more than anything, the word that has brought about the ruin of more plans than any other - "BUT".

I think she was sad, very very sad about her life, and she confused that sadness for anger and lashed out at me, the one person on this earth who would have supported her unconditionally, maybe the one person on this earth who would truly love her for who she is.
I also think that she has no real idea what her life is about. As a non-Christian, she has wrapped her whole life's purpose up in the words "family" - she believes that in spite of the fact that she, her mate, and her children are all miserable, that she should have to suffer through this pain for her lifetime in order to keep the family together. She believes that is what her life's purpose is.
On a third level, i showed her God, and she rejected Him, and so in the end she had to reject me as well, becuz otherwise i would keep showing Him to her and she would keep having to make that choice, and she did not want to admit that she was a sinner who needed God's help. I hope and pray that one day she will make the right choice and choose Christ. But she had to reject me, becuz she could not separate me from my God (or Him from me).

That is all that i know. That is all the "wisdom" that i have.

That, and the hope that time heals all wounds. How much time, now...that is the question that scares me...

be encouraged, o my soul

Lincoln Brewster – All To You

You called me, Lord
You know my name
I’m standing out
I’m not ashamed
No, no

I’ve searched and came up empty
This world has nothing for me
You are my one and only

I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You

You are the Lord of all I am
And I’ll never be the same again

I’ve searched and came up empty
This world has nothing for me
You are my one and only

I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You

I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You

I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You

I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me
I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me

I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me
I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me




Lincoln Brewster – Everyday

What to say, Lord? It’s You Who gave me life and I
Can’t explain just how much You mean to me now
That You have saved me, Lord, I’ll give all that I am to You
That everyday I could be a light that shines Your name

Everyday, Lord, I’ll learn to stand upon Your Word
And I pray that I, I might come to know You more
That You would guide me with every single step I take
That everyday I could be Your light unto the world

Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord

What to say, Lord? It’s You Who gave me life and I
Can’t explain just how much You mean to me now
That You would save me, Lord, I’ll give all that I am to You
That everyday I could be a light that shines Your name

Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord
I’ll walk with You, my Lord

Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord
My Lord, my Lord, my Lord, my Lord

It’s You I live for, everyday
It’s You I live for, everyday
It’s You I live for, everyday, my Lord

Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord
I’ll walk with You, my Lord


My devotional, from May the 8th

God Knows What He’s Doing

Surely I spoke of things I did not understand; I talked of things too wonderful for me to know.
Job 42:3 (NCV)

It's easy to thank God when he does what we want. But God doesn't always do what we want. Ask Job.


His empire collapsed, his children were killed, and what was a healthy body became a rage of boils. From whence came this torrent? From whence will come any help?


Job goes straight to God and pleads his case. His head hurts. His body hurts. His heart hurts. And God answers. Not with answers but with questions. An ocean of questions. . . . After several dozen questions ... Job has gotten the point. What is it?


The point is this: God owes no one anything. No reasons. No explanations. Nothing. If He gave them, we couldn't understand them.


God is God. He knows what He is doing. When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart.


And another from May 7th

He Knows How You Feel

He is able…to run to the cry of those who are being tempted and tested and tried.
Hebrews 2:18 (AMP)

Jesus was angry enough to purge the temple, hungry enough to eat raw grain, distraught enough to weep in public, fun loving enough to be called a drunkard, winsome enough to attract kids, weary enough to sleep in a storm-bounced boat, poor enough to sleep on dirt and borrow a coin for a sermon illustration, radical enough to get kicked out of town, responsible enough to care for his mother, tempted enough to know the smell of Satan, and fearful enough to sweat blood.

But why? Why would heaven’s finest Son endure earth’s toughest pain? So you would know that “He is able…to run to the cry of…those who are being tempted and tested and tried.”

Whatever you are facing, He knows how you feel.

when?

Without meaning to be too melodramatic, I am wondering...
when exactly will i feel that the ghost of this past year will leave me behind and fade from sight?

Almost every day, i am still haunted by what was, what is, and what might have been. Although i live in today, i am clearly haunted by another time, another place, another life.

All i want is peace. I have peace, but yet i do not have it entirely yet.

My world is still misty and confusing at times.

So, again not meaning to overanalyze or overindulge my moroseness (is that even a real word?), i present here the lyrics to the song "Bleak" by the band called Opeth.



Beating
Heart still beating for the cause
Feeding
Soul still feeding from the loss
Aching
Limbs are aching from the rush
Fading
You are fading from my sight

Break of morning, coldness lingers on
Shroud me into nightmares of the sun

Moving
I am moving closer to your side
Luring
You are luring me into the night
Crying
Who is crying for you here
Dying
I am dying fast inside your tears

Plunging towards bereavement faster yet
Clearing thoughts, my mind is set

Devious movements in your eyes
Moved me from relief
Breath comes out white clouds with your lies
And filters through me
You're close to the final word
You're staring right past me in dismay
A liquid seeps from your chest
And drains me away
Mist ripples round your thin white neck
And draws me a line
Cold fingers mark this dying wreck
This moment is mine

Help me cure you
Atone for all you've done
Help me leave you
As all the days are gone

Devious movements in your eyes
Moved me from relief
Breath comes out white clouds with your lies
And filters through me
You're close to the final word
You're staring right past me in dismay
A liquid seeps from your chest
And drains me away
Mist ripples round your thin white neck
And draws me a line
Cold fingers mark this dying wreck
This moment is mine
Night falls again
Taking what's left of me

Slight twist, shivering corpse
Ornated with water, fills the cracks
Clasped in my limbs by tradition
This is all you need

Shattered Illusions

Well…

This has been an “interesting” evening for me.

I learned some things tonight; things that I wished I did not know, yet also things that I am glad that I finally learned.

Sigh…

Y’know what? Life is hard. That is not a complaint, just an observation. Truthfully, I mean it; life is hard.

I learned some things tonight, things that all my workmates assumed that I already knew. But I didn’t.

The things I learned, they shocked me. They hurt me. But I needed to hear them. And, once I had examined them, I knew them to be true.

My opinions of Melanie Young are changing.

I still do not hate her, and I hope that I never do. I still wish the best for her. I still pray for her (if not daily, at least fairly often). And I still know that I can have NOTHING to do with her.

But, I realize some things about her now. I probably would not have been willing to hear (or believe) them until now. See, I learned that in her short time here (at work), Melanie used (or attempted to use) every male here. She used people, that is what she did. Everybody was an object to be used.

Every male here, she tried to get close to them, to get information from them, quite a few she made exploratory attempts to develop relationships with them, she flirted with them all. She lied to us all. She used us, firstly to try to get in the good books of various people at work to further herself and her “career” here, and secondly she used the attention of males to get her “husband’s” attention through jealousy (a tactic she continues to use, as the only apparent way to get him to pay attention to her). The way I hear it, I not only was not the first male at work she attempted to use (use their heart, mess up their lives, all for her own purposes and NOT for love or sex) but indeed I was number 5 on the list. Number 5!

Just, “lucky me”, I was the one who got sucked in the worst, and therefore was the one who got hurt the worst.

I still do not regret loving her. To love someone, even if they never return it (or want it), even if they use you, to love somebody is a great thing, an honourable thing. I regret that my ex-wife got hurt because of my love for Melanie. I regret the problems that it caused at work. But, that is it. The rest, I have no regrets. I did what I did, and I would not take it back.

But, I feel a little more ”used” right now. A little more “alone.” A lot more hurt. Rather emotional. Would enjoy a good cry right now, but can’t at this time.

Hopefully, this newfound stuff that I now know, I am hopeful that God allowed me to see this now because it was the right time, and hopefully it will enable me to continue to piece my shattered and fragile life back together and eventually move on as a healthy person.

Don’t feel too healthy right now. Just broken; re-broken.

It is a good thing that I recognize that being broken is a potentially good thing. God can use my brokenness.

Being open is a good thing. That is why I do not regret what happened to me. I would rather love the wrong person, in the wrong way, and make a mess of my life, than the alternative; better to love passionately and true, than close up your heart and become part of the living dead stew.

I like that line. Think I might post it somewhere.

Anyways, thank you, my family and friends. Your support of me always amazes me. Don’t worry about me; I am on the path that God has chosen for me to walk, and I will be okay.

Slainte.

life right now

Well, as of May 1st, I was declared (legally) single again.

Let the bells ring out? Meh.

Truthfully, I am CHOOSING to see this as a good thing. Not because being married wasn’t nice (at times), and not because there were not good things about being married, and not because the single life is so great, and not because I dislike the person I was married to or have a bad opinion of her. I am choosing to be positive, because that is what God would (and does) choose for me; at this point in time, at this point in my life, God smiles down on me just like He always does, He has nothing but good thoughts towards me and He wants me to have the same.

Being single (again), and being divorced (twice), these are neither good nor bad things. They just ARE. This is my life, and I am going to live it and give God the most glory that I can while doing so.






Some people. Some people in life are just messed up.

So, what do you do when you meet somebody like that? Somebody whose life, a life without God and His goodness and His forgiveness and His presence, their life is just a huge mess, and they are literally crying out for somebody to save them from their life, from the situations they have gotten themselves into, and from themselves?

What do you do, when God brings a person like that into your life, and gives you huge amounts of Godly compassion for them?

You know what you do? As a Christian, you do what you can to help them. You listen to them, you sympathise and empathize with them, and you point them towards the Answer. You show them Christ, and what He has done in your life. And you offer to help and support them.

Now, what do you do when that person turns away from the Answer?

When this happens, trust me, life unravels. All hell seems to empty itself against you.

This has happened to me. Say what you like. Believe what you like. I know the truth about this situation.

She came into my life. She was hurting, empty, fragile, a shell of a person. And God allowed me to see her how He sees her. I lent an ear, a hand, and a heart. And I showed her God, and what He had done for my life.

I wanted to share so much more with her. I wanted to see her come to Him, and for Him to beautifully change her.

It didn’t happen (at least, not YET it didn’t). She turned away. She, in her filth and her vomit, saw what was being offered. She understood. She looked at the offer. But then, she decided to go with her pride. She felt she didn’t need help, she didn’t need change, she didn’t need God. To me, this was such obvious deception and lies. But, it was what she flung back in my face. The more I prayed and asked God to work in her, the more I stood by her even when she hurt me, the more I believed, the more I tried to share God’s love with her, the more I tried to point her again and again towards the Answer…the more angry she became with me, the more enraged, the more spiteful.

Now, the person I, just last year, said was the best friend I have ever had, she is trying to destroy my life.

Won’t happen. God won’t let it.

You know why?

Here is the secret. See, despite what people think, despite what people say, despite what people see when they look at me and at this situation…I know, I KNOW, that I did what God told me to do, and I had faith in what I believed that God was telling me.

So, my God protects me. Although I did not succeed, I tried. I honestly tried. And in the end, even though this still hurts at times, I know that it is not ME that she is rejecting, it is Christ in me.

The storm I suffer, is for Him.

Once again, for that reason alone, I would not change a thing.

Lord, I choose to pray for her still. Not for me, or for my benefit, but for her eternal benefit. Please God, do not forget about her. Bless her, and do not curse her. Do not give up on her. Follow after her with a heart of love, and claim her as Your own. Reveal Yourslef to her, and save her soul and change her life. In Jesus' name I ask, Amen.