hurts come to light

Just got in the door from work. Thoughts flowing and cascading like a cacophony of sweet devouring…stuff. Must write them out – must purge them from myself, before I implode.


There is a part of me that believes that love is not just by chance. That love is too important in life, that it may possibly be the MOST important thing of all, and therefore surely it cannot just be by fluke when it happens. Oh, I know, there is a rational (mature?) part of me that argues against that – it tells me that love is just an emotion, and that people get into trouble by falling in love with those who are not right for them. Well, that part of me may be correct, but so is the other part. See, I can see and know and recognize those mature elements of life to be true…but I also know that Christ calls us to follow Him as little children, trusting in Him, following after what we cannot see with our five senses. It is called faith – and love, love is a lot like faith, isn’t it?

I believe in love. I believe that I am an artistic person, a “lover” if you will. I also see that this artistic part of me is trapped within the brain of a “thinker”. I like to know what is going on, and to analyze it.

Sigh…o woe is me, wretched man that I am, to be so trapped and divided within my own self! Makes me realize that I am a lot like the biblical King David, the one who wrote all those psalms – trying to figure life out, and throwing himself upon the mercy of God when he cannot. That’s me.

What am I trying to say? Something about love, I believe, but I cannot seem to force it out of my brain!

Let me lay it out on an emotional level, rather than an intellectual level, maybe that’ll help me get it out…

I hurt. Until this last year, never before had I loved a woman and not had that love returned, not had that woman in my arms and in my life, not married her and wanted to be with her and treat her right. I have never had to deal with rejection, in some ways. Oh, I know I have been divorced twice, but at least I was accepted BEFORE I was rejected (and much later), so that helps a lot. But this…this is different. This has affected me deeply. I GRIEVE. My heart, my soul, my spirit…they HURT.

There are some crazy parts of me that pop up on occasion, some things that suggest that what I am really doing is holding on to (insane) beliefs that even though MJ-and-I is deader-than-dead, that one day we will be alive again, in love. Together. Is that insane? Yes, for the most part, it is. It is not rational thinking or rational hope. But, I am a lover, and I cannot help thinking that way on occasion.

Makes me wonder some things.

For instance, how badly did I mess this situation up? Isn’t it possible that God had wanted me to be her friend, just her friend, to stick by her and support her, to never give up on her, until one day she was free to love me as well? Yes, it is possible. But, I will never know, unless God chooses to tell me so (and I will NOT ask Him).

I know it was wrong of me to love her, and to expect her to love me, when I was saved and she is not.

BUT…love is not just a fluke. It happens, and I truly believe it always happens for a reason.

I may have messed up my future, and hers. I may have screwed up royally, worse than I ever have before.

Those are dark thoughts, but that is where my mind can lead me, when I hurt so much in such deep places within myself.

I do not like me without her. Even though I never had her, I still do not feel complete without her in my life. She was every dream I had ever wanted. Now, she is gone. And I feel dead, stripped bare and laid out to rot. When she slipped away from me, I not only died, but in some deep level within me I die again anew every day.

My mind says one thing, and my mind may be right. Yet my heart’s pain cannot be silenced.

What do I want?

That is a good question.

On one hand, I want to stop hurting.

On another, to stop hurting by way of forgetting about MJ and what she has meant to me…maybe I would rather keep suffering within, rather than let go of everything?

Maybe what I still want, is to know that even though I screwed up, that God can make something beautiful of this. I do not want to limit God or place restrictions on Him, so I will not be stupid enough to say that the only beautiful thing that can come of this is if Melanie comes back to me and loves me. I just think…that of all the beautiful things that COULD happen, that would be the MOST beautiful thing that I could imagine. It doesn’t make it likely. Of course, the least likely thing in this world happened already to me – God came down to earth and lived a sinless life as a man and died a horrible death on the cross to save me. Somehow, when I look at that, when I think about that, then NO good thing will God withhold from me. That is a given, a surety. I…just am not sure if this desire is a good thing, or not.

So, what do I know? That God loves me, that God desires to bless me. That I need to be open to that blessing, no matter what form it takes. That I feel like crying right now, but I cannot quite do it. That I still love Melanie Joy Young. That I am a lover, and a realist, and that I have to be BOTH, not just one. That, other than these things, I do not know much of anything.

But, this has been good for me. I mean…how long has it been since I admitted that I love her? How long has it been since I realized that I still would take her in my life, in a heartbeat? I seem to have hidden these things deep within myself, and only just now have I realized that they still live (and that I do not ever want them to die).

Being honest, being honest with yourself is a good thing, right? Right?

Melanie is NOT a bad person. Maybe my expectations of her were unreal. Maybe. Or maybe my timeframe for those expectations was too pushy, too insensitive, too needy. Regardless, she is what she is. She is unsaved, ungodly, ruled by sin. It’s not her fault, though – she was born that way! God (and I) desire to see her saved. To see her life changed from within by God’s abiding presence. It can happen to her. I pray that it does. I will die unhappy, if it does not. She means…she means oh so much to me! She makes my heart ache, for the beauty of her on the inside.

I will never meet somebody like her. I have trouble truthfully imagining that if I ever love anybody else, that they can ever hold a candle to her, and that I might be "settling" (for second best, or outside of God's perfect will) if I choose to love another. I may be insane to think that, and I may be ruining my future to think that, but it is STILL (even after all this time, even after things being dead for this long, even after all the crappy stuff that has happened, even though anything good happening is an impossibility!) the way that I feel!

She has affected me, and affected me for life. She captured my heart, I gave it willingly, and then she left…and now I have nothing.

No, my life is not all sadness. But…my life has a hole in it, and it is in the shape of Melanie. Nothing else will ever fill that part of me.

I have either found the greatest thing in the world in Melanie, or the worst thing in the world in Melanie. I guess it depends which part of me looks at it – the rational part, or the artistic part.

In the end, she is what she is. She is, what God has proclaimed her to be in my life, and in my heart. She is…a part of me.

Lord, make me whole again. I will not limit You, I will not close You in, I will not tell You or demand You to lead my life in a certain way lest I pray against Your will for me…so Lord, simply make me whole again, I ask in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Lord, I am a simple man. I just want to please You. Please Lord, be pleased with me, with my heart, with my honesty. Cuz i have nothing else to bring before You, but that. If You can use me, whether it be someday again in Melanie's life, or whether it be in the life of another, that is up to You. According to Your will, let my life go and be. Just make me whole again, Lord. Just make me whole again. Please...

I hurt. But at least by that, I know that I live.


As a small (but vitally important) add-on, I would like to point out that somebody today made this observation - that they felt that, yes, Melanie actually DID love me, and that she did not do everything she did to hurt me or be mean or to spite me.

I agree. I think, as well, that she did love me. That she did consider a life with me. That she was encouraged by me. That she liked being with me. That i was good for her.

Not wanting to put too much emphasis on this, but the devil hated that. And, so, we are where we are. And only God knows where we go from here.

And, He DOES know. I know He does.