My House Rules 1

My Guidelines To Being A Hermit:

Rule # 1 -

Don't Expect Too Much Of Yourself

When living life alone, don't expect too much of yourself!

Any day that you get out of bed, shower, get dressed, and eat something, is a good day.

("Alright! I had a good day today!")

Another way to think of this rule, is like this;

Procrastination - who cares, except you?

You know those "to do lists" that we all make up, whether in our heads or on paper? Well, when you live life alone, it doesn't really matter one iota whether or not you do those things today, tomorrow, or next week! The only person depending on you, is you! So, make procrastination fun, like a game! Enjoy putting things off...why shouldn't you?

soul ache

“blind I suffer, knowing I’ll never reach your heaven,
It’s unattainable.
Please teach me how to dream,
I long to be more than a machine”


from “Sentient 6” by Nevermore

Deaf-Ignition

Jaded

Worn out, wearied, or lacking enthusiasm; exhausted; Cynically insensitive; made callous by experience.

Soul-Death

There was once a time that I knew what I wanted out of life.

During this time, I had a sense of purpose. I felt useful. I felt alive. I felt needed. That is what that sense of purpose gave to me; it gave me life. It awakened me, and shot my faith to record heights.

It was the best few months of my life.


When that sense of purpose left…when I lost the ability to get what I wanted out of life…I died inside.

I realize now that I have lost the emotional ability to love.

I have no love in my life. I have no joy, no peace, no security, and no faith. I lost everything.

I had in front of me a map of my life that I wanted so badly to follow, one that felt so right. I felt such a sense of destiny. There was a greater purpose, the ability to give, to teach, to reach out, to truly love.

Now, all I have is me. Just a floundering self. The waves of life crash over me day by day, hour by hour, second by second. The best that I can do, on my good days, is ignore them. On those other days, those not-so-good days, they kill me again and again.

What is love? What is peace? What is joy? What is security? What is faith? What is destiny? What is purpose? What is life?

My sense of self is skewed.

The only reprieve I have from my confusion, is when I feel frustrated. I numb myself to survive.

I do not know how to hear from God. Once, I thought I knew, I thought I knew very well. Then, darkness, and death of plans and future. Now, the light that shone on my path, I cannot see through the blindfold of the mess that is my life right now.

The only thing that I truly know, is that I do not know or understand anything. That seems to be my one constant.

That, and I hate my life, I hate the way it is right now. I hate that I lost what I once had; the one thing that I had searched for my whole life and finally found, it was ripped from me.

And I do not understand the “why”.

I know I messed up somewhere. I know it is my fault; it must be. But I still cannot see clearly what it is that I did, or how I get back to where I was right.

If love is a good thing, if having love to give and giving it out of a good heart is something that should happen, then why was it stolen from me?

Why get my hopes up, only to have everything that was good be ripped away from me?



“Labelled sick but I’m just a man
Everyone I love has left me for dead”
- Nevermore, “Next In Line”


Wouldn’t I have been better never to know what love is, if I had to lose it right after?


“To see the last survivor fall
To see their bastards sons against the wall
To see the emptiness as we decay
I see the world is dead, I am betrayed
Dead heart in a dead world
Dead heart in a dead world
This rotten hole that I call home bled dry again
This lesion marked upon my soul
Left an empty hanging man
Across the fields, into the sea
To find the light from within
Out of this lake I've tried to crawl
I think I'm there and then again I fall
Again I fall
Burn your gods and kill the king
Subjugate your suffering
Dead heart, in a dead world
We must remember wounds so deep
take time to heal
and sometimes though we struggle still
life seems surreal
Emotions turned to cold dead wood
Can still have life once more
The door that slammed upon your heart
Torn away, torn away
Burn your gods and kill the king
Subjugate your suffering
Dead heart, in a dead world
Burn your gods and kill the king
Subjugate your suffering
Dead heart, in a dead world
Dead heart, in a dead world”
- Nevermore, “Dead Heart In A Dead World”



Think that a soul cannot die?

I am here to tell you that if they can't, then they sure can be beaten to within an inch of their life. I know.

And...Then?

And when you are all alone, when you feel utterly deserted and empty and meaningless and unloved; what do you do then?



The last few days, I have been realizing that for the most part, I am becoming okay with being by myself. Just trying to enjoy my life as it is; quiet, and alone. As long as I have a few friends, I am okay not being in a relationship with somebody.

Now, today, I think I am realizing that maybe it is better not to have any friends, either. No chance of pain or hurt or disappointment, if you just do not bother to share your life with anybody.

Because, in the end, people suck. We all do. All of us. We are unreliable, selfish, and untrustworthy. We are full of anger, greed, self-love and self-loathing, lust, deceit, laziness, and just plain mean-spiritedness. We cannot be trusted, and we cannot be relied upon. We take when we should give, and we leave when we should stay. We make bad choice after bad choice, and we never really learn from our mistakes. We stay when we should leave, curse when we should praise, and lash out when we are afraid. We are angry, confused, lonely, selfish, hurt, and scared. And that seems to be our natural state.

I myself am bad enough as a human being. Why surround myself with those who are just as poorly off as I am? Why set ourselves up for not only our own failures, but the failures of those around us too? Why bother? We cannot even love ourselves, so why think we can love others, or be loved by others?



You know what I do? You know what I do, when I am all alone, when I feel utterly deserted and empty and meaningless and unloved? You know what I do? Here is what I do…

I pretend I am on a deserted island; and I type. I type, I blog, and I treat these words like they are messages being sent out on the waves in a bottle. When I get to this state in my life, I write. And when I am done writing...I mope for a while. I sink down into the depths of the sea and stay there as long as I can, until the waves spit me out and deposit me back on my desert isle. Then I try to get a good night’s sleep, and I get up the next day and drag myself along, trying to find hope and faith that one day God will be able to change me into something better than I am. Because, at the end of each day, and again at the beginning of each day, that is the only hope that I have that matters.

Nothing else matters, nothing else but God. My circumstances do not matter. My pain does not matter. The shambles my life is in does not matter. My state of mind does not matter, my emotions do not matter. My finances do not matter. My job does not matter. Nothing matters, except that God finds me searching for Him desperately, and He changes me into something better than what I am right now.

Without that, all i have is a deserted island. Deserted of everything, including myself.

devos

Good stuff from my two devotionals this morning…



Keys to A Glad Heart

Isaiah 6:3 – One cried to another and said: “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is full of His glory!"

Isaiah was overcome with awe at the wonders he beheld in his vision. He saw the Lord, sitting on a throne with a train that filled the entire temple and surrounded by seraphim with six majestic wings. It was a sight he never forgot, and it is a picture of the aew we experience when we get a glimpse of our holy, righteous, loving God.

Carole Mayball in her book When God Whispers takes a look at how this awe translates into everyday living:

What makes a person old at twenty and keeps another young at eighty? I think it is that sense of wonder – the insatiable curiosity and delight concerning God, the world, and people. Solomon, for all his wisdom, was jaded. When I read the book of Ecclesiastes, I see that he had too much of everything…
For the wisest man of earth, Solomon was kind of dumb! He knew great truth…But apparently knowing that and experiencing it were two different things for Solomon…We Christ-ones know the keys to having a glad heart. They are spelled out for us clearly…
Enjoy what we have (enabled by God) as we accept our “lot” – which means accepting whatever “portion and cup” (Psalm 16:5) God has given. If we do that we won’t feel guilty if we “have” or cheated if we “have not.”
…Live in the present with each moment being lived “to the hilt” and let God keep us occupied with gladness of heart.

Lord, make me thankful for what I have. Make me accepting of my lot in life. Let me live each moment and savour it with gladness of heart.




God’s Goal In Speaking

Isaiah 52:10 – The Lord has made bare His holy arm in the eyes of all the nations; and all the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God.

When God speaks to us, He has these goals in mind:

He wants us to understand His truth. God has written the Bible in such a way that we cannot read through it and think we know everything about Him. The more you read God’s Word, the more He reveals Himself to you. The more He reveals, the more you will understand His will for your life.

He seeks to conform us to the image of Jesus Christ. God wants us to take His truth and apply it to our lives. As we do, He molds us and conforms us to the likeness of His Son. Jesus is our example. In Him we discover we are wonderfully accepted and loved.

He wants us to communicate His truth to others. As we grow in Christ, God empowers us to teach others about Him. He may not call you to be a pastor or missionary, but He calls each of us to share His love with others. Our communication does not begin and end with words. It goes much deeper to our attitudes, values, convictions, and desires. What does your life say to others about Christ? Do they see a God who loves, forgives, and encourages all people?

Father God, help me to understand Your truth. I want to be conformed to the image of Your Son, Jesus Christ. I want to communicate Your truth to others.

Dead!

Kenny MacLean, bassist for Platinum Blonde, found dead in his apartment.

Rest in piece, Kenny. Your music inspired me. I hope you found what you needed out of life.

b l

I find these lyrics to be beautiful...don't you?



The Smithereens - Only A Memory


My mind is filled with thoughts of you
I think about the days of two
I search the room but you're not there
Your perfume lingers everywhere
But it's

Only a memory
Of what our love was going to be
Only a memory
Broken bits of you and me
Only a memory
Only a memory

In a world of pain I have no peer
You fade away and disappear
And no I have to learn the game
Where no one wins or takes the blame
But it's

Only a memory
Of what our love was going to be
Only a memory
Now that we are history
Only a memory
Only a memory

But it's
Only a memory
Of what our love was going to be
Only a memory
Broken bits of you and me
Only a memory
Only a memory

Why should it matter if I cry
I sit around and wonder why
Now I feel much too weak to live
And I've got nothing left to give
Now it's

Only a memory
Of what our love was going to be
Only a memory
Broken bits of you and me
Only a memory
Only a memory
Only a memory

Promise

Life is tough. But God promises to never leave us or forsake us, and God's love is so much bigger than any of our problems.


Guardian – Livin’ For The Promise


The seasons of my life
They come and go
Circumstances change
Just like the wind blows
Looking for assurance
To get me through
And down through the centuries
I know it’s been You

Just when I was in need
You poured it out overflowing
Just when I needed someone
To listen
You were there

I’m livin’ for the promise
Hold on to what’s Divine
I’m livin’ for the promise
On You I can rely

When my world came crashin’ in
I was broken
You showed me Your world
And we became friends
I dreamed that all my sorrow
Was null and void
And You came in my life
And gave me joy

Just when I was in need
You poured it out overflowing
Just when I needed someone to listen
You were there
Just when I was in need
You poured it out overflowing
Now I know Your love never fails
‘Cause You care
You’re always there
I’m livin’ for the promise

I’m livin’ for the promise
Hold on to what’s Divine
I’m livin’ for the promise
On You I can rely

memoirs from above

From my devotionals…

How can you discern the truth? John says in 1st John 2:20-21 and 24, “You have an anointing from the Holy One, and you all know. I have not written to you because you do not know the truth, but because you do know it, and because no lie is of the truth…As for you, let that abide in you which you heard from the beginning.”

You have the direction of the Holy Spirit and God’s unchanging Word. Nothing God says will ever contradict His Word. When you rely on this truth as the test of accuracy, you will not be swept away by error.




Jesus wants us to see Him as our only Source of help in every situation.

In Mathew chapter 8, the leper told Jesus, “If You are willing, You can make me clean.” Those words of tremendous faith were spoken by a man who did not doubt God’s ability but feared that somehow he might be overlooked.

Perhaps you have suffered for a long time. Jesus can heal your infirmity. He may choose to do so completely, or He may change the circumstances so that you can find peace and rest in your suffering. Don’t let the Saviour pass by. Step forward in worship, and allow Him to work in your life.




The Holy Spirit is actually the One who takes the words of the printed page of God’s Word and reveals the meaning to your heart and mind. He uses many human “tools” as aids in the process, including pastors, teachers, and your personal traits. But without the Spirit, the words would remain just that – words.

If you’ve ever avoided a difficult passage because you feel you won’t understand it, don’t turn away. God promises to enlighten your heart (1st Cor. 2:14). You are the intended recipient of every meaningful word.

Few-Ture

Who knows what the future holds?

Not I!

The future; an empty canvas of endless possibilities.

Who can say what will be painted on it?

I am trying to look at my future possibilities as a good thing. I may get what i want, or I may not. Could be that what i do get, i will enjoy much better than anything i could have imagined.

My God is like that. A Master Painter.

The future - let it be good.

Understanding Love

At its heart, love is all about giving.

Love is not about getting.

Love is also not about giving so that you can get.

Love is not something to be sought for, or something to be acquired or found.

Love is something you give, and you give it because you HAVE it to give.

Love is something within you, something you must find within yourself, and then give away to somebody who needs it.

When that person also has love within themselves, and gives it back to you, we call that “being in love.”

Anything else is something other than love.

I gave love. But it wasn’t well received, because the person I gave it to did not have love within themselves, or for themselves. Therefore, they could not give love back.

Eventually, it becomes impossible to “be in love” under those circumstances. You can care for somebody, and you can care about somebody, you can have love for them…but until you find another whole person who is willing to share love with you out of that wholeness, there is no loving relationship.

As a Christian, to expect somebody who does not know Christ to be able to give love, is unrealistic. They can try, but the love they have within themselves is fragmentary. They have never accepted the life-giving love of Christ within them, therefore they have never been filled with God’s love, so they do not know what real love is.

That is why God’s Word cautions us about being unequally yoked to an unbeliever. In the end, they are unable to meet us halfway; they just simply cannot, it is impossible for them. We will expend a lot of love and energy towards them, but if they do not find God and His love for them…eventually we will have to accept the fact that we cannot partner with them. No matter how much we want to, no matter how much we genuinely care for them…they will exhaust us in time. And an exhausted Christian is ripe for the picking to be caught up more in the world than in God, to slip away from our chosen path, to compromise and grow cold in our loving devotion to God.

Love is something you give, and you give it because you HAVE it to give. And only those who know Love (from above), have real love to give.

New poem posted here!
Enjoy!

http://leplaunpoetree.blogspot.com/2008_11_21_archive.html

Lost In The Word

Another quote from the first season of Lost…

“We all have setbacks. We’ll start over.”

I’m gonna have to write a book soon; “All That I Learned In Life, I learned From Lost.” LOL.

Actually, I am gonna have to go and buy season 2 now, cuz I just finished season one. Man oh man, I hate cliff-hanger endings!

Okay, on to something else…I am reprinting here my two devotionals from today, as they really spoke to me a lot. I asked God to speak to me and give me comfort and direction this morning, and I believe He really did speak to me through these two devotionals…


The Quest For Intimacy

To experience genuine intimacy with Christ, you must be willing to lay down your love for the things of this world. This doesn’t mean giving up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But it does mean your desire for God and His fellowship exceeds your friendship with the world. God wants to bless you, yet blessings must never become what you seek above the Blesser.

A.W. Tozer commented on the quest for intimacy:
There can be no doubt that this possessive clinging to things is one of the most harmful habits in the Christian life. Because it is so natural, it is rarely recognized for the evil that it is. But its outworkings are tragic.
We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety. This is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need to have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which is so committed.

The rich young ruler found in Jesus what he had been looking for all his life (Matt. 19:16-22). However, in his heart his material possessions outweighed the need to follow Christ.

You may have given yourself to the Lord, but have you laid aside your love and desire for the world’s riches? The greatest obstacle to knowing God is self-love. Make sure you don’t fall prey to it.



Failing To Listen To God

Imagine you are driving along a narrow two-lane road, and you come upon a warning sign. The sign warns of possible rock slides ahead, and a detour sign points to a good alternate route. Would you ignore the warning sign and drive on?

King David ignored many of God’s warning signs along his path, and he plunged deeper and deeper into sin (2 Sam. 11:1-12:13). He knew that the Lord did not approve of lust, adultery, or murder. But one sin led to another as David deliberately ignored his conscience, which God uses to remind us of His truth.

David had done such a remarkable job of not listening to God that God had to use the bold voice of the prophet Nathan. Perhaps David was puzzled as Nathan began to tell him a story about a poor man’s pet lamb. At the end of the tale, David still did not hear God’s message. Nathan had to spell it out for him: “You are the man!” He then recounted everything David had done and how the Lord felt about his sin.

When David’s ears finally heard the truth, he repented immediately. David said, “I have sinned against the Lord.” And Nathan said to David, “The Lord also has taken away your sin; you shall not die” (2 Sam. 12:13).

If you have been turning a deaf ear to what the Lord has been trying to tell you, it is never too late to ask forgiveness and travel on His road.





It is interesting. A few weeks back or so, I had a dream about a rock slide. I was convinced it was a spiritual dream, but I did not understand it. I asked for interpretation, and it was given; God was warning me that my life was in a danger zone, because of a woman.

I heeded the warning. It was not easy, it was not what I wanted to hear from God, nor was it what I wanted to do. But I obeyed God. I allowed God to show me what I had previously been unwilling to hear; I was sinning in my heart against God, by being in love with somebody in direct opposition to God’s Word and to God’s plan for my life. Even though it felt right to me, even though I was lifting the situation up to God in prayer day after day, still I was in the wrong, and I was sinning.

God is a forgiving God, when we turn away from what we know is wrong and repent and ask forgiveness and change our ways and actions and thoughts. He forgives us, but we still have to live with the consequences of our sin, which we bring upon ourselves. But, we are forgiven, and we have a chance to move on, on the right path for our lives.

“We all have setbacks. We’ll start over.”


Thanks be to God for His grace, His mercy, and His love. And for His warning signs, whether they are heeded or not. God is good, because God is true love.

Following God never brings us pain. Turning away from our sins, having to acknowledge that we have been in the wrong, that can bring us pain. So too will the consequences of our sins bring us pain, sometimes even after we have turned back to the right path. But God will never bring us pain. God's ways are good.

If we are experiencing great pain in life, it is usually because we are pulling against God, and trying to control things and do them our way, the way that we think they should be or should turn out.

Thanks be to our Saviour, we can start over.

So Lost, so free

Lately, I have passed my time watching the first season of the television show Lost on DVD.

I actually bought this in March, but had not got around to watching it until now.

In episode 5 or 6, one of the characters leads another back to his faith in God, and the episode ends with her praying with him. I thought that was pretty cool!

Even cooler was a line she used just a bit earlier. She was talking about her husband, who had not been found after the plane crash, and who she believes is still alive. The line goes like this; “There is a thin line between faith and denial.”

That made me think quite a bit.

My faith that she and I were going to work out and be together…all the signs were there that it WASN’T going to happen. I ignored them, and called that "faith." In the end, I had to come to the realization that I was just in denial. What I wanted to happen, what I wanted more than anything else, was not coming true. Praying for something, and believing for it, even believing (and feeling) that it is RIGHT, doesn’t make it so. God will only give us what He says is right. And He will not go against His Word; He cannot do that, not ever.

Sometimes, we want God to speak to us in a booming voice, to tell us when we are doing wrong. Not hearing that, we beleive that we must therefore be correct. Too often, we miss the still small voice of the Holy Spirit, because we are only listening for what we WANT to hear. So we continue on in error, and we get hurt.

There is a thin line between faith and denial. I now know that I was in denial.

I am not anymore. Unless God changes that situation, so that it lines up with His Word, and unless He blesses it and wants it, He will not allow it to happen. It isn’t good for me.

Even though I still miss her immensely, even though I still sometimes wonder how I could have made things turn out differently, even though I feel very alone at times and betrayed yet again by love, even though I am hurting – still, still I am thankful that God awoke me to the truth, before things proceeded any further, before I made yet more large mistakes that would have hurt me.

Life is tough. Not getting what you want and desire, that is hard to deal with. But, that is life; that is my life. And that is better than having to deal with the consequences of continuing on in wrong thinking, and screwing up my life even more because of that.

God knows what is best for me; my job is not to fight Him, but to serve Him and say “Yes, Lord.”

Even when it hurts.

You shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall set you free.

The Cost of Time Travel

Do you have to know how to give love before you can receive love, or do you have to be able to receive love before you can give love?

When I consider my life, I realize that I am not that much different after all from others that I know; I am just another lonely soul who does not know what love is.

I find that I tend to fight to be in control of my emotions, to rule over them. I guess that I figure that it is better to be in control of something, rather than to feel like I am out of control, like life is beyond my control. Like most other people in this world, my life boils down to a power struggle; I fight for control of the uncontrollable. And I generally lose. Pretty much every time. But I go on fighting. I fight for control, because it is all that I know. Doesn’t matter that it doesn’t work. Doesn’t matter that I fail. Doesn’t matter that there must be a better way than this. I just struggle on.

Back around the mountain again. 40 years of desert traveling, until I die. When will I learn?

truth hurts

True fact -

Marriages are the only life sentence where you can get parole for bad behaviour.

I Likey!

I like this old post of mine that i stumbled across recently. Check it out and see why!

http://dreaming-of-leprechauns.blogspot.com/2006/09/why-fantasy.html

Virtual Tour

Mom and Dad

I was going to post a virtual tour of my apartment here, but the files are just too big for my post to handle.
Instead, i will burn them to disc, and bring them by next time I come over and you can watch them.

No Love, Dreams, and Sucking

Maybe I was wrong and she never did love me.

Maybe when I accused her, many months ago, of playing a game with my heart…maybe I was right back then. Oh, of course she refused to listen to my accusations. Anytime I got too close, made her too uncomfortable by talking about her, she always found a way to trot out a whole book of excuses to explain her actions in ways that she could handle. So, we never ever got to have discussions about these type of things – no matter how nicely I could question her motives or her actions (let alone her feelings), she always turned the tables immediately and refused to accept responsibility, refused to accept that any of my thoughts or wonderings about her were true.

And so I go, around and around the mountain again. There is so much, Lord, so much that I just do not understand.

And, she has left me on such unstable ground! Because the more that I question whether or not she really ever loved me, the more I question whether I am truly lovable at all…

No, I am not having a pity party. But, what I AM doing, is trying to sort out my heart and my head.

The longer I am away from her, the more I believe that I am better off staying far away from her.

But it is also true, that the more that I think she may never have loved me but just been playing a dangerous game with my heart, the more that I wonder…why do people not love me?

Yeah, I know…it is a stupid question, and one designed to get me down on myself. I know that, I know.

But, if I love those, passionately, who do not really love me back, then what character flaw does that reveal in me?

Thoughts…sometimes, I hate having them.
Of course, the alternative is NOT thinking, which means being dead.
Hmm…so, I guess me and my thoughts will just have to live with each other, then, won’t we?

Life is weird. I had a brief dream about her last night. It wasn’t a pleasant dream. In my dream, I ran into her, and it was REALLY awkward. Nothing to say to each other, really. Maybe even my dreams are trying to show me something?

Hearts suck. Loving people sucks. People suck.

I guess I suck, too!

towering over

While in San Antonio, i got to visit the Tower Of The Americas.

For more information on this landmark, visit these links...

http://www.toweroftheamericas.com/

and

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tower_of_the_Americas


Here is a video clip that i took from the top of the tower on my digital camera!
Make sure your speakers are on, so you can hear the wind blowing!

Trip

So, a few weeks ago I took my first major trip.
This was not only my first major trip, but my first alone.
It was also my first time on a plane.

I went to Helotes Texas (just outside of San Antonio) to visit my sister and her family.

Below, i am putting some pictures (i got these off of the internet, these are not photos that i took with my camera - i will be, however, posting some of those photos here eventually) of some places that i visited in Texas, along with a few explanatory comments.

Enjoy!



This helps to show where Helotes is...



Helotes is a small community just barely outside of the city limits of San Antonio.



My trip to Texas included my first visit to a Krispy Kreme!



I got a fresh, hot donut, right off of the assembly line. It was hot, delicious, and made me feel super-sick, after watching it cook in the oil. It was a great experience, but i will never eat one of those again. One was enough to clog my arteries for years...



HEB - it is a lot like the Superstore of Texas.



The Original Rudy's Barbeque, in San Antonio. Billed as "the worst barbeque in Texas", it is really the BEST bbq in Texas! Yummy!




Beef brisket was an American experience that i will not soon forget. It isa cut of meat that you just cannot get in Canada, it does not exist.




Barbequed beef brisket, just the way that Rudy's does it! yum!



Dick's Sporting Goods store, where Pat and i went to buy a gun-cleaning kit.






This is the best internet photo i could find of the gun i got to fire off.




Shooting, if done safely, can be fun!





This is a photo of an outdoor shooting range, which is where my brother-in-law Pat and I went. Yes, they do look an awful lot like a golf driving range, only with paper targets set up on wires and no grass.




A photo of Helotes.



Hope you enjoyed my internet-based tour of Texas. I will post more stuff on my trip later...

Slainte, y'all!

devotion - heart

This is from one of my devotionals yesterday...





The majority is not always right.



If the majority had ruled, the children of Israel never would have left Egypt. They would have voted to stay in bondage.



If the majority had ruled, David never would have fought Goliath. His brothers would have voted for him to stay with the sheep.



What's the point? You must listen to your own heart.



God says you're on your way to becoming a disciple when you can keep a clear head and a pure heart.

For Me

These lyrics are so cool! I heard this song today, and I just had to put them up here...


She Likes Me For Me - by Third Eye Blind


She don't care about my car,
and she don't care about my money,
and that's real good cuz I don't got a lot to spend,
but if I did it would mean nothing.

She likes me for me,
not because I look like Tyson Bedford,
with the charm of Robert Redford
oozing out my ears,
what she sees,
are my most rending decisions,
my insecure conditions,
and the tears upon the pillow that I shed.

She don't care about my big screen,
or my collection of dvds,
things like that just never mattered much to her,
plus she don't watch too much tv.

She don't care that I could fly her,
to places she ain't never been,
if she really wants to go,
I think deep down she knows that,
all she has to say is when.

She likes me for me,
not because I hang with Leonardo,
or that guy who played in Fargo,
I think his name was Steve.
She's the one for me,
and I just can't live without her,
my arms belong around her,
and I'm so glad I found her once again,
and I'm so glad I found her once again,
yeah I'm so glad I found her once again.

Gazing at the ceiling,
as we entertain our feelings in the dark,
things that we're afraid of,
are gonna show us what we're made of in the end.

She likes me for me,
not because I sing like Pavarotti,
or because I'm such a hottie.(sigh)

I like her for her,
not because she's phat like Cindy Crawford,
she has got so much to offer,
why does she waste all her time with me?
There must be something there that I don't see,
I don't see.

She likes me for me,
not because I'm tough like Dirty Harry,
make her laugh just like Jim Carrey,
I'm like the Cable Guy,
but what she sees,
is that I can't live without her,
my arms belong around her,
and I'm so glad I found her once again,
I found her once again,
once again,
yeah I'm so glad I found her once again.

Words

Words. Words are interesting. They convey much, sometimes even simple singular words can tell us lots more than entire paragraphs.

I recently sent to a few people an email “game” that was sent to me. The objective is for people to describe you in one word. I got a few interesting answers back.

But, then I decided to search for a singular word that describes myself at this point in my life.

And I came up with the word “veneer.”

Veneer – a thin facing of finishing material. One ply or one thickness of something. A plastic, porcelain, or composite material used to improve the attractiveness of a stained or damaged tooth. Sheets of wood used to cover other materials (usually plywood) to create the “illusion” of solid wood. A very thin layer used as a facing. A thin layer of superior wood glued to a base of inferior wood. A thin decorative covering of fine wood applied to coarser wood or other material; an attractive appearance that covers or disguises true nature or feelings.


It is funny, how many people who know me see me as “strong”, as a “bend but not break” sort of personality, somebody who bounces back from tragedies with a good attitude.

Funny as in “ironic", not funny as in “ha ha.”

Anybody guess yet why I chose the word “veneer” to describe myself right now?

Let me let you in on a secret – that strength of character you see in me? It is just a thin shell; the real me is inside there somewhere, and it (he, I) isn’t nearly as pretty to look at (or deal with, or live with).

I am NOT strong. I am NOT in control. And I am NOT able to bounce back and maintain a good attitude.

Truth be told, I am horribly, terribly, morbidly…
…Afraid.

It hasn’t been a good year for me (actually, it hasn’t been a terribly good lifetime for me).
I turned 37 years old; time is racing by me.
And I lost my second marriage.

That second point alone would be enough to show that my year has been horrid. A marriage break-up is never a fun thing. It can be horribly difficult to deal with. It affects every single area of your life; there is no way of getting around that.
But, then the unthinkable happened for me. In the midst of a bad year, one of the greatest things to ever happen to me, did (the only things that top it, right now, are Being born, Having a daughter, and Getting saved). I fell in love, with the most interesting person I have ever met.
I thought God had given me a wonderful gift. I was staring at a blessing that I did not deserve, and could never have imagined was even possible.

And then, life pulled the rug out from under me.

Now, I do not even know if she and I are friends anymore. We have no contact. And the person who I loved , isn’t even in my life.

So, yeah…I am terribly AFRAID.

I am seriously afraid, because I think I have lost the most wonderful thing in the world. God showed me a beautiful pearl, and when He placed it into my hands, I dropped it somewhere and lost it. Possibly (probably) never to be found again.

Love doesn’t come into my life very often.

I do not understand life anymore. Oh, I can give all the standard Christianese answers to life, I have much head-knowledge about God and stuff. But, truthfully, life has ceased to make sense.

All I do know, is this. In the midst of a huge storm in my life, I found a priceless treasure. It made everything that I had gone through in my life seem worthwhile. Then life turned around and kicked me while I was down, a real shot to the unmentionables. My heart got cut out and tossed aside, not by her, but by the unfairness of life.

When I seriously LEAST needed another boot to the gonads, I got one anyways. And this one will be felt for the rest of my life.

I am shattered inside. And I am afraid. I am afraid that the very best thing to happen to me in a very long time, is now gone forever, never to return. I am afraid that from here on in, life is a downhill race; that brief glimpse of potential happiness that I got? Yeah, that was the best that my life will ever be.

So, yeah. Veneer; a facing, an illusion, something to cover and hide true nature or feelings.






It's been a few days
Since you've left and said goodbye
There's got to be a way
To stop the pain inside

Oh how I miss you baby
Looking at the pictures in my hand
Wondering if I'll see you
Ever again

I'm cryin' oh oh
Can't you see my heart is breaking
I'm cryin' oh oh
But I get my strength from up above
I'm cryin' oh oh
My love she isn't taking
I'm cryin' oh oh
Over you

It's been a few nights
That I've spent my time at home
But somehow I know
I'm not in this alone

Oh how I miss you baby
Looking at the pictures in my hand
Wondering if I'll see you
Ever again

I'm cryin' oh oh
Can't you see my heart is breaking
I'm cryin' oh oh
But I get my strength from up above
I'm cryin' oh oh
My love she isn't taking
I'm cryin' oh oh
Over you

Why don't you listen to reason
There ain't no problem we can't solve
This hard times only a season
We've got to fight gotta fight for our love

I'm cryin' oh oh
Can't you see my heart is breaking
I'm cryin' oh oh
But I get my strength from up above
I'm cryin' oh oh
My love she isn't taking
I'm cryin' oh oh
Over you


("Cryin' Over You" - by Barren Cross)

comedy

Funny comedian skit on U-Tube...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

new poem

My newest poetic creation can be seen here...

http://leplaunpoetree.blogspot.com/2008/11/ode-to-bb.html

S S

When I ran from the hounds of hell
Twist my foot, I nearly fell
I was lucky I was alive
One look back I could have died

I was the sole survivor
Sole survivor
Sole survivor
Solitary fighter

When I saw it I was amazed
One time glory right in my gaze
I saw the sorrow, I saw the joy
Right in the darkness none could destroy

I was the sole survivor
Sole survivor
Sole survivor
Solitary fighter

And from the wreckage I will arise
Cast the ashes back in their eyes
See the fire, I will defend
Just keep on burning right to the end

I was the sole survivor
Sole survivor
Sole survivor
Solitary fighter

[ "Sole Survivor" by Asia]


And lately, I think I must be the Soul Survivor...

Wow

Going over old postings to my blog, and found this.
It is very deep, and I thought i would share it with you. Enjoy!

http://dreaming-of-leprechauns.blogspot.com/2005/08/another-deeep-thought.html

Today's Stuffffff...

Today’s blog posting is full of random thoughts and lyrics…




I have come a long way where I started from
but I'm still not even close to where I'm going
(and now) I can no longer see the shine
that has been lighting up my way
I cannot feel its glowing

The fire in my heart is dying
and the zeal I had is gone

This path that I've chosen's a rocky one
Long, hard and frozen it has become
Each turn that I've taken on the way
has only led me back to Hell
I am dying down growing weaker now
It could seem that I'm doing fine
but I'm broken to little pieces deep inside

Why did I ever choose to go this way
The question I keep asking myself all the time
I guess it was my instinct for self-destruction
that pointed me down this way

The fire in my eyes is dying
and the dream I had is gone

This path that I've chosen's a rocky one
Long, hard and frozen it has become
Each turn that I've taken on the way
has only led me back to Hell
I am dying down growing weaker now
It could seem that I'm doing fine
but I'm broken to little pieces deep inside

Lyrics to “Broken” by Sentenced




Why is it that the church cannot figure out how to deal with those going through a divorce? How difficult is it to show a little compassion?
Why want to club people over the head with “what you are doing is a sin”; why beat down those who are already beat down in life? Is divorce any more of a sin than lying, greed, or driving over the speed limit? If so, show me where the bible says that. If not, then why not attack EVERYBODY on the entire planet as we are ALL sinners, why single out those who need your compassion and alienate them from human kindness?
Where is the grace? Where is the love? Where is the understanding? Sometimes, the church never looks LESS like Christ…




The city streets are wet with rain tonight
Taxi drivers swerve from lane to lane
A lonely guitar man playin’ down the hall
Midnight blues comin’ through the walls

I tried to call you on the telephone
I left it off the hook
Just to hear it ring
You told me you were better off alone
I never knew that tears could stain

I’m on the roof and I’m starin’ at the stars
Lookin’ down at all the cars
I can see you
In the window of your favorite corner bar
But to reach you is just too far
And I might as well be on Mars

The city seems so old and grey and beat
It closes in and makes me wanna suffocate
And you just live across the street
But that’s a billion miles away

You’ve turned my world into a dark and lonely place
Like a planet lost in space, my light is fadin’
I’d cross the universe to be right where you are
But I’m right in your backyard
And I might as well be on Mars

I might as well be on Mars
You can’t see me
I might as well be the man in the moon
You can’t hear me
Oh, can you feel me, so close
And yet so far
Baby, I might as well be on Mars

Baby, I can’t fly
If I could I’d come down to ya
Maybe I should try

I’m on the roof and I’m starin’ at the stars
Lookin’ down at all the cars
I can see you
In the window of your favorite corner bar
But to reach you is just too far
And I might as well be on Mars

I might as well be on Mars
You can’t see me
I might as well be the man in the moon
You can’t hear me
Oh, can you feel me, so close
And yet so far
Baby, I might as well be on Mars

Lyrics to “Might As Well Be On Mars” by Alice Cooper




Where do you go when nothing seems to be left?

Did I hear from God, or did I hear from me? That is the unanswerable question that haunts me. Without an answer to it, I remain lost.

How do you ask God a question, when you can no longer trust yourself to know if you are hearing His response, or your own?

I think I will trudge around this mountain again. Round and round, circle upon circle. The sand is hot, but at least I have my own tracks to follow…


Seems fitting to end this posting with BOTH sets of lyrics to this song, so I will…


Don’t Cry (Alt Vers) – by Guns N Roses

If we could see tomorrow
What of your plans
No one can live in sorrow
Ask all your friends
Times that you took in stride
They're back in demand
I was the one who's washing
Blood off your hands

Don't you cry tonight
I still love you baby
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight

I know the things you wanted
They're not what you have
With all the people talkin'
It's drivin' you mad
If I was standin' by you
How would you feel
Knowing your love's decided
And all love is real

An don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight

I thought I could live in your world
As years all went by
With all the voices I've heard
Something has died
And when you're in need of someone
My heart won't deny you
So many seem so lonely
With no one left to cry to baby

An don't you cry tonight
An don't you cry tonight
An don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight
Baby maybe someday
Don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry
Tonight


Don’t Cry (Orig Vers) – by Guns N Roses

Talk to me softly
There is something in your eyes
Don't hang your head in sorrow
And please don't cry
I know how you feel inside I've
I've been there before
Somethin is changin' inside you
And don't you know


Don't you cry tonight
I still love you baby
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight


Give me a whisper
And give me a sign
Give me a kiss before you
tell me goodbye
Don't you take it so hard now
And please don't take it so bad
I'll still be thinkin' of you
And the times we had...baby


And don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight


And please remember that I never lied
And please remember
how I felt inside now honey
You gotta make it your own way
But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow
Come the morning light now baby


And don't you cry tonight
And don't you cry tonight
And don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight
Baby maybe someday
Don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry
Tonight




There’s a heaven above you; I hope you find it. If not, then I have failed you. And I will be eternally sorry.

Tonight I Ache

Should I miss somebody who isn’t right for me?

That is a question I am struggling with. It is hard to ignore your heart when it aches so much. Of course, maybe the real question I should be asking is, “IS she right for me?” There are so many things in my life that I just do not understand right now; I need to add this one to the top of my list.

Is it possible that a person’s heart can be so deceitful? In my lifetime, I have never had to ask that question; not until now. Can I have fallen, can I have connected so much, with somebody I truly have no right to be falling for or connecting with? Or are my circumstances with her just a big mess right now, one that I cannot sort out within myself, and is it possible that (in the future) God may yet cause something to bloom (or re-bloom) in these circumstances?

And, the other question is, Should I even be thinking along these lines? Am I just hurting myself and prolonging my agony by refusing to let go of the best thing that ever happened to me?

Do I really want to completely let go of this, and lose forever my chances of happiness in this regard?


Life sucks. It is full of confusion and heartache. Being religious, or a Christian, does not really help it be any better. Life is a struggle. Nothing tends to make sense the way that you think it should.

I hurt. I feel wounded, like there is a big bite out of my soul, a wound that cannot heal. The last few days, I find myself fighting back tears a lot. The rest of the time, I find myself ignoring my feelings and trying not to think; but I always come back to “what might have been, and might yet be.”

This song was a tear-jerker for me tonight…I am probably killing myself slowly by even writing out these lyrics, but tonight I just cannot help it!

Austin – by Blake Shelton

She left without leavin' a number
Said she needed to clear her mind
He figured she'd gone back to Austin
'Cause she talked about it all the time
It was almost a year before she called him up
Three rings and an answering machine is what she got

If you're callin' 'bout the car I sold it
If this is Tuesday night I'm bowling
If you've got somethin' to sell, you're wastin' your time, I'm not
buyin'
If it's anybody else, wait for the tone,
You know what to do
And P.S. if this is Austin, I still love you

The telephone fell to the counter
She heard but she couldn't believe
What kind of man would hang on that long
What kind of love that must be
She waited three days, and then she tried again
She didn't know what she'd say,
But she heard three rings and then

If it's Friday night I'm at the ballgame
And first thing Saturday, if it don't rain
I'm headed out to the lake
And I'll be gone, all weekend long
But I'll call you back when I get home
On Sunday afternoon
And P.S. If this is Austin, I still love you

Well, this time she left her number
But not another word
Then she waited by the phone on Sunday evenin'
And this is what he heard

If you're callin' 'bout my heart
It's still yours
I should've listened to it a little more
Then it wouldn't have taken me so long to know where I belong
And by the way, boy, this is no machine you're talkin' to
Can't you tell, this is Austin, and I still love you

I still love you




Hope. I think it is the only thing that makes life worth living.

Please God, do not take my last hope away from me. It is all that i have got left.

from the tome of goodness

This is from my devotionals today...

"God created you to praise Him, to recognize Him as eternal, sovereign Lord and King of all creation. There are no other gods before Him, and none besides the Almighty deserve your adoration and deepest love.

When you pray, do you praise God before you bring Him your petitions? Is worship your primary concern? Learning to praise God is key to spiritual growth, to understanding Who He is and how He works in your life.

It is difficult to pull your mind off personal problems and place it on God, especially when your heart is troubled. But by focussing on Him, you can see your life the way God does. You are aware of His grace and daily care, and your spirit is revitalized. Pride and self-reliance vanish in the face of an all-sufficient Lord.

Read and heed Psalm 147:1: ' It is good to sing praises to our God.' As you give God the glory and honour, you experience His joy and peace in a fresh, transforming way. "



"Many of God's people are like employees in an airplane production plant. They cannot hear God's voice because they are too busy assembling the pieces of their lives. They wear the earplugs of worldly thinking, becoming complacent toward the things of God. When the bottom drops out, they wonder why God allowed it. But in actuality, God spent months and in some cases years shouting warnings that went unheeded.

In your life, is it time to take out the earplugs, turn off the machinery of the world, and listen to God's voice?"



Psalm 118:17, 18 -
I shall not die, but live, and declare the works and recount the illustrious acts of the Lord.
The Lord has chastened me sorely, but He has not given me over to death.

Mumble Jumble

Tom Petty; American rock icon.

Tom Petty is a talented songwriter. Now, not to take anything away from Tom's talent, but, seriously, has anybody in the history of the planet earth smoked more pot than this guy?

It makes it very difficult sometimes to figure out just what he is supposed to be singing about!

Take this well-known Tom Petty song as an example...

Runnin’ through a stream
The minnows would call to me
Lookin’ for Hercules
I like carrots and peas
Runnin’ through a stream


Tom, Tom, Tom...put down the weed, and enunciate! You're not making any sense!

heart-dropped

Yesterday, something eerily prophetic happened to me.

When I was leaving work, I had my poppy pinned to my jacket lapel. Well, it came apart. The pin stayed in my jacket, but the rest of it fell off and landed at my feet.

The irony?

Today, I feel like my heart has dropped out of my body and landed at my feet as well.

I feel like I have wrinkled parchment for skin, and I am wearing it like a coat. Underneath it, I am nothing. No heart, no love, no feelings beyond mild despair.

I do not feel well today. All of the stuff I have been experiencing lately has all started to catch up to me. I miss being in love. Desperately miss it, actually. I do not feel like a whole person right now…

Worse, I am again starting to wonder if I can ever love somebody else.

Do I want her back? Honestly, I do not know (funny that I would think about wanting her “back”, when I never really did have her to begin with…). Do I want to have those sorts of emotions for her again? Hmm…well, I do know that I want to feel “something” for her again, and I do definitely want her in my life again. How, and in what way? I am not sure.


Truthfully, as poorly as I feel right now, I am thankful that at last I am feeling something! I have been in a dead place of self-ignoring for too long now. And that is no way to live.


Yesterday, my heart dropped off of my sleeve and fell to the ground. Today, i realized that my heart is not in my body - and it isn't coming back anytime soon, evidentally...

Truth Still

I found this old post. It best expresses how I still feel, to this day.

http://dreaming-of-leprechauns.blogspot.com/2008/07/truth.html

Today's Heart-Muse

So, I was talking with God as I was driving to work. Basically, I told Him the truth – that it sucks to have given my heart to somebody, and to have lost them.

It isn’t necessarily that I want her back. It isn’t that, at this point in my life, I want her to give her heart to me. At the place I am at right now in my life, that isn’t what I am about.

The thing is…well, I really do not even know. I just know that it feels sucky. To have felt so emotionally attached to her as a person, and then…nothing. That feels horrible.

And now, to make it worse, I really have no idea what is going on in her life. I do not know whether she is mad at me, or blaming me for anything. I do not see her, I have no contact with her.

Ultimately, I hope that I do have contact with her at some point in the future. I want to be able to have a friendship with her, and to be able to be an influence on her life. I want to be that example to her of what a believer’s life looks like.

But only if God wants it.

It is totally out of my hands. It is totally up to God. And, truth be told, I do not know for sure what God desires for me in the future when it comes to her. I have no clue anymore.

I am trying not to tie any part of my future to her. But, I do miss her. I miss her a lot.

I just want God’s will. That being said, I have to be willing to just leave it with Him.

Doesn’t make me miss her any less. Nor does it make me worry for her and about her any less. Concern is a good thing, isn't it?

It is, what it is.

And that is just how it is. Only God knows where we go from here.

It still sucks. I still feel like a part of me is missing. I gave my heart, I gave my all. It wasn’t accepted. It wasn’t returned.

Not meaning to be melodramatic, but I ain’t too sure that I will ever be the same person, for having gone through this.

Yup, it sucks, the way it turned out.

One way or the other, God will have His way. Which way will that be? Only time will tell...

As I drove to work, these lyrics were playing on the car stereo…

Please awake you holy one
Please awake 'cause freedom awaits
Now awake my only one
Please awake 'cause freedom awaits

They are from "Freedom Awaits" by Angel Dust.

I long to see her awaken spiritually. I long to see her embrace God and His love, and become a believer, to embrace God’s love and His healing in her life.

And, yes, I still sometimes feel like she is “my only one.” Sometimes, I still do. That “connection” between us still lurks there, below the surface…

Whether it ever gets a jump-start and becomes something beautiful or not, I don’t know. I do not have the ability right now to come out and hope for it. I merely await, waiting to see what good God brings into my life.

That is all that I can do.

It is what it is. And God is Who He is. He is love.

And that has to be good enough for me.

And, for the most part, it is.

Still sucks.

Oh well...

Some Enlightenment

Something just came to me, something a little bit profound. Something that helps me to make some more sense of what has happened in my life for some months now.

You cannot win somebody into the Kingdom, unless you are prepared to love them in.

cleanliness and trespasses - who is the judge?

John chapter 8, verses 15 through 17 –

You set yourselves up to judge according to the flesh – by what you see; you condemn by external, human standards. I do not set Myself up to judge or condemn or sentence anyone. Yet even if I do judge, My judgement is true – My decision is right; for I am not alone in making it, but there are two of Us, I and the Father Who sent Me. In your own Law it is written that the testimony (evidence) of two persons is reliable and valid. [Deut. 19:15]

Psalm chapter 51, verses 1 through 4 –

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Your steadfast love; according to the multitude of Your tender mercies and loving-kindnesses blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly and repeatedly from my iniquity and guilt, and cleanse me and make me wholly pure from my sin! For I am conscious of my transgressions and I acknowledge them; my sin is ever before me. Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done that which is evil in Your sight; so that You are justified in Your sentence and faultless in Your judgement.



There are times when God uses people to bring us to repentance. When we refuse to listen to the still small voice of the Holy Spirit, or when we refuse to obey what God has set out for us in His Word, then there are times when God will use a person to come to us and in a Godly manner point out our sins to us. It happened to King David, just before he wrote the 51st Psalm.

But, when a person has already recognized their mistake, has asked for God’s forgiveness and has been forgiven by God, and has changed their ways afterwards, does God then send somebody to berate them and challenge them and throw past mistakes in their face? Does God send somebody to scream at them in rage and accuse them of things they have never done?

As it says in the first quote above, we as people judge by the flesh, by what we can see. But God is the only true judge of us.

I do not profess to be perfect. Far from it, actually. But, I am forgiven. I know the wrong that I have done, and have had to live with the consequences of it in my life. “My sin is ever before me,” as King David said. God is a God of tender mercies and steadfast love, a God of forgiveness and a God of righteousness and justice.

Once forgiven, always forgiven.

Those who attack me, for things I have done and for things I have not done, are wrong. I do not need to point fingers at them, God’s Word clearly states that they are wrong. So, I leave it in God’s hands. That is good enough for me.

We All Suck !!!

As people, we are not very good at changing ourselves. Even when we can spot the character flaws within us, we just are not very good at changing them.

The reason? We cannot change ourselves. We all have a sin nature at work within us. And, in our own strivings, no matter how hard we try to change, we cannot.

That is why we try so hard to change the symptoms of our problems, instead of changing the root problem.

Only God can touch us and change us deep within. We cannot do it ourselves. When we try, we fail, time and time again.

I should know. Two failed marriages, and a love-friendship failure, and I have come to the understanding that I cannot change who I am. But…God can.

How? By putting God first in our lives, by seeking His face, by making Him the number one priority, by seeking above all else to please Him. By spending quality time in His presence, by being real with Him, by studying His Word and what He says about us and to us, by allowing The Holy Spirit to pierce us with His Word and work within us to make us more Christ-like; that is the only way to change.

At some point (or points) in every believer’s lifetime, life crashes down around us. We are forced to admit that we are a failure, and that our way of doing things has failed us and oftentimes those around us that we care about, too. Most of us, when this occurs, do the natural human thing; we collapse, disengage, and ignore the problems, we blame others, and we refuse to change, because deep down where we cannot even admit it, we know that we cannot change ourselves. And we are too prideful to allow God His proper place in our lives, and so we go on and repeat our same mistakes, over and over and over again.

We enter new relationships, new jobs, we move, we give up on friendships, we do whatever is necessary to give ourselves a new chance to do things the right way – and then we eventually fail again.

We just do not get it. Our lives are NOT our own! We were meant to live to please God, to seek God, to spend time with God, to speak to God (much different that asking Him to give us what we want – we should be asking Him what HE wants of US) and to be spoken to by Him, to spend time in His Word; we were meant to be living ambassadors to the world of Who God is, by becoming more like Him.

But we don’t. We, instead, choose to live by this world’s system of doing things, never stopping to realize that if we follow the world’s way of doing things, then we are disobeying God and wandering off of His path for our lives.

The only way to lasting and abiding change, is to soak in God’s presence. To ALLOW God full access to our lives, to admit that He is in charge and that whatever He chooses to bring into our lives, whatever He chooses to do in our lives, wherever He calls us to go, whatever He calls us to say, whatever He calls us to do, that is our main duty to perform. That is how we please God, by obeying him. And how do we know what is pleasing to God? By spending time with Him, by studying His Word, by spending time in prayer and asking God to change us from within and to reveal to us where we need to make changes and then for Him to make those changes within us.

But we do not do that, do we? Instead, we try to change our own circumstances, rather than allowing God to change our wayward hearts. We try to change others around us, rather than allowing God to work within us. We struggle for control, and our struggle really is against God Himself! We insist on being in the driver’s seat in our lives, and think that God will honour that. Well, He doesn’t. He is a jealous God, and He will allow nothing in our lives to come before Him, not even our own selves.

Why do relationships fail? Isn’t it because we are not whole people; we are trying to get others to meet needs within us that are meant to be met by God Himself. We put God on the back-burner, and then wonder why nothing turns out right in our lives, and blame people and God. How stupid are we as human beings?!!

Relationships fail because God is love. All love apart from God is a farce, a scam, a sham, something that is destined to fail. Nobody can meet those needs we have, but God; eventually, that longing to have those needs met will surface. We will feel unloved, and unlovable. We will lash out at those around us for not meeting those needs. We will withdraw and refuse to try to meet the needs of others. We will feel sorry for ourselves.

And all this time, God is waiting with open arms, wanting to make us into something beautiful, if only we would let Him. He is the Lover Of Our Soul. He is the Great Romancer, and His Holy Word is all about the romantic love that He has for us. It should not be a power struggle between us and God, afraid to let Him have control of our lives and our destinies. So why is it that way? When will we learn?

God, do not let me do things my way; help me, and change me, to allow You to do things Your way in my life. Make my life pleasing to You.

Men

I’ve always wanted to be an author.

I think it is the act of creation that fascinates me so much. Giving life to a story, breathing life into a character or plot. That is awesome stuff; the goal to create is something I believe is put into us by our Creator.

If I could write a book at this moment, I would likely title it “Men Without Honour.”

There are some things in life that really get me riled up, and this is one of them. No, I am not talking about the U.S. election that was held yesterday (don’t even get me started on Barack “Let’s-Welcome-In-The-AntiChrist” Obama); no, I am speaking here about the failure of men in our society to do what is right, particularly in our own homes.

And I fully admit to being one of those men; before I point a finger at anybody else, I recognize that four are pointed back at me (What a dumb saying – shouldn’t that be “three” fingers pointing back? Know anybody whose thumb points backwards?), and I accept that.

Men all over this planet have failed in their duties. They have failed in their duties to God, their duties to their spouses, and their duties to their families. This is particularly true of the western world. And I should know, because I have been one of these men.

I am so sick and tired of seeing women and children hurting, because men have neglected their duties. It sickens me, it makes me angry, and it makes me sorrowful and repentive.

Too many Christian men have lost their first love. There is no higher duty, no higher call, than to love God with all your heart, and to seek His face above all else.

When they (we) fail in this, our first and most important commandment, is it any wonder that we lose the ability to love our wives and families as we should?

What makes us men so stubborn? Why cannot we see that our very lives crumble and shatter around us, when God is not placed first in our hearts and lives?

I have too many female friends whom are hurting, because of their husbands’ failures. Too many women without hope for things to get better. Too many men who have lost their way, and in their pride insist that they can “turn things around” on their own, just by trying harder. No, no, no! You can’t! Take it from me, you cannot do it! Die to self, that is the only way to be a better person. Seek God, allow Him to change you gradually into the image of Christ. Seek God for Who He is, not for what He can do for you. He is not a Santa Claus, He is the lover of your soul, the Great Romancer.

I am not sure what else to say on this subject. I am sure I could go on ranting for a very long time, but in the end I would just be repeating what I have already said.

I no longer want to be that failure that I have been in the past. My goal is to grow close to God daily. To allow God to quicken my spirit and mend my heart, to keep me on the right paths in life, and awaken within me the ability to love others as He loves me. I want to be a whole person, before I attempt to love another woman. After all, I am not sure that I could live with myself, if I ruined another life by my own sinful nature and pride.

Poem Posted

If you click this link

http://leplaunpoetree.blogspot.com/2008/11/zombie.html

you will be brought to the latest poem i have posted. I stumbled across this poem yesterday, and it really seemed to fit the mood of my heart right now, so i thought i would post it up for all to see.

Also, i just think it is a dang good poem, very well written if i do say so myself!