Today's Heart-Muse

So, I was talking with God as I was driving to work. Basically, I told Him the truth – that it sucks to have given my heart to somebody, and to have lost them.

It isn’t necessarily that I want her back. It isn’t that, at this point in my life, I want her to give her heart to me. At the place I am at right now in my life, that isn’t what I am about.

The thing is…well, I really do not even know. I just know that it feels sucky. To have felt so emotionally attached to her as a person, and then…nothing. That feels horrible.

And now, to make it worse, I really have no idea what is going on in her life. I do not know whether she is mad at me, or blaming me for anything. I do not see her, I have no contact with her.

Ultimately, I hope that I do have contact with her at some point in the future. I want to be able to have a friendship with her, and to be able to be an influence on her life. I want to be that example to her of what a believer’s life looks like.

But only if God wants it.

It is totally out of my hands. It is totally up to God. And, truth be told, I do not know for sure what God desires for me in the future when it comes to her. I have no clue anymore.

I am trying not to tie any part of my future to her. But, I do miss her. I miss her a lot.

I just want God’s will. That being said, I have to be willing to just leave it with Him.

Doesn’t make me miss her any less. Nor does it make me worry for her and about her any less. Concern is a good thing, isn't it?

It is, what it is.

And that is just how it is. Only God knows where we go from here.

It still sucks. I still feel like a part of me is missing. I gave my heart, I gave my all. It wasn’t accepted. It wasn’t returned.

Not meaning to be melodramatic, but I ain’t too sure that I will ever be the same person, for having gone through this.

Yup, it sucks, the way it turned out.

One way or the other, God will have His way. Which way will that be? Only time will tell...

As I drove to work, these lyrics were playing on the car stereo…

Please awake you holy one
Please awake 'cause freedom awaits
Now awake my only one
Please awake 'cause freedom awaits

They are from "Freedom Awaits" by Angel Dust.

I long to see her awaken spiritually. I long to see her embrace God and His love, and become a believer, to embrace God’s love and His healing in her life.

And, yes, I still sometimes feel like she is “my only one.” Sometimes, I still do. That “connection” between us still lurks there, below the surface…

Whether it ever gets a jump-start and becomes something beautiful or not, I don’t know. I do not have the ability right now to come out and hope for it. I merely await, waiting to see what good God brings into my life.

That is all that I can do.

It is what it is. And God is Who He is. He is love.

And that has to be good enough for me.

And, for the most part, it is.

Still sucks.

Oh well...