John

A list of all the John Cusack movies. My fave actor.

Listed from newest to oldest.


Igor – have not seen.
War, Inc. – have not seen.
Summerhood – have not seen.
Martian Child – own it, but have not watched it yet.
1408 – have not seen.
Grace is Gone – seen it. own it. Excellent movie.
The Contract – seen it. Own it. Good movie.
The Ice Harvest – seen it. Own it. Excellent movie.
Must Love Dogs – seen it. Own it. Good movie.
Runaway Jury – seen it. Own it. Excellent movie.
Identity – seen it. Own it. Very good movie.
Max – have not seen.
Serendipity – seen it. Own it. Excellent movie.
America’s Sweethearts – seen it. Good movie.
High Fidelity – seen it. Good movie.
Being John Malkovich – saw part of it. Hated it with a passion.
Cradle Will Rock – have not seen.
Pushing Tin – seen it. Okay movie.
The Jack Bull – have not seen.
The Thin Red Line – have not seen.
This Is My Father – have not seen.
Midnight In The Garden of Good And Evil – have not seen.
Anastasia – seen it. Good movie.
Chicago Cab – own it. Have not watched it yet.
Con Air – seen it. Hated it with a passion.
Grosse Pointe Blank – seen it. Own it. Excellent movie.
City Hall – seen it. Own it. Excellent movie.
The Road To Wellville – seen it. Okay movie.
Bullets Over Broadway – seen it. Good movie.
Floundering – have not seen.
Money For Nothing – seen it. Own it. Okay movie.
Map Of The Human Heart – seen it. Good movie.
Bob Roberts – seen it. Okay movie.
Roadside Prophets – have not seen.
Shadows And Fog – have not seen.
True Colors – seen it. Own it. Excellent movie.
The Grifters – seen it. Okay movie.
Fat Man and Little Boy – have not seen.
Say Anything – seen it . own it. The best movie ever made.
Elvis Stories – have not seen.
Eight Men Out – seen it. Own it. Excellent movie.
Tapeheads – seen it. Excellent movie.
Broadcast News – have not seen.
Hot Pursuit – seen it. Own it. Good movie.
Stand By Me – seen it. Excellent movie.
One Crazy Summer – seen it. Own it. Excellent movie.
The Journey Of Natty Gann – have not seen.
The Sure Thing – seen it. Own it. Excellent movie.
Grandview, U.S.A. – have not seen.
Sixteen Candles – seen it. Excellent movie.
Class – seen it. Good movie.

The Still-Born Child Of Destiny

(Sorry Mom, I know you will hate to read this. You always want the best for me.)

I just finished watching the movie The Wedding Crashers. First time seeing it; never seen it before. I cried. For all those who have seen it; I am serious, I cried.

Okay, I am going to get all weird now (you should be used to it by now!)…

For all the healing that has (begun to) taken place in me lately, one thing still seems to be broken.

I still cannot find my sense of destiny.

I have only had that feeling once in my life. 38 and a half years in my life have gone by, and only what happened to me last year brought me a true sense of destiny; this is mine, this is me, this is what I was born to do, this is my God-given destiny and nothing and nobody will take that away from me.

Oops. Life happened. Free-will, free-will happened. The band stopped playing, and I was left without a chair to sit in. So sorry, you are out of the game!

That sucks. Two stupid little words, and they do not even begin to convey the reality of my situation; That…Sucks. Truth is, I do not have a hole in my heart, so much as I have a hole in my destiny. All the sand is running out of it. My time is running out.

I do not understand. Why let me feel that sense of destiny, God, if You were going to allow it to be stomped out?

God’s will versus free will. Free will sucks. People make wrong choices, totally wrong choices.

I’d kill for another chance. Literally kill. Okay, not literally, but figuratively literally.

It isn’t that I love her. It isn’t that I cannot live without her. It isn’t that I am delusional, or morose, or myopic in my heart-view of things.

You know what it is? You know why I wish that I could turn the clock back?

Destiny. I truly believed my destiny was linked to her. And I truly believed that God said so, too. I felt alive. For the first time in my life, I felt “whole.” It wasn’t about her. It wasn’t about love. Don’t you see what it was? Don’t you get it?

How can I explain this any better? Um…

I felt whole (I know, I said that already). Whole, for the first time. Like I had a purpose. Not just like I “FELT” like I had a purpose; for the first time, I KNEW I had a purpose, and I knew what it was, too!

Then, somebody made a choice. Somebody NOT me. And they took away my destiny from me.

I didn’t get to die for it. I didn’t get to fight for it until my last breath. I didn’t get to go down in a blaze of glory. There was no storybook ending. The angels didn't hold their breath in awe at what I had accomplished, at what God had sent me to do and I had done. Somebody just reached into me and took my life away, and acted like it wasn’t a big deal even.

Here is the thing. I want to have a sense of destiny again, something I was born to do, something that I know what it is, something that gives me passion and purpose and life.

But…

I already found it. And now it is gone. And nothing I can do will bring it back. So…how can I possibly have it happen again? I mean, if it happens again, in a different way, then…then the first thing was a total and complete lie. And, somewhere deep down in my very soul, somewhere deep down where you nor anybody else can never take it away from me, I KNOW that it was not a lie. It was totally, completely, 100% real destiny.

So, I am hooped. My destiny was stolen from me. My life’s ambition, my whole purpose for being, all of my passion and drive, it was all taken from me, and I cannot ever get it back.

How do you live after that?

I mean, I live, each day I wake up and I am alive, but…I am not really ALIVE, now am I?

How can I be? I found my destiny. Finally, after 37 and a half years of searching, I found it. Within a few short months, it was gone, gone forever.

How does one deal with that?

neverwhere

So, I am in the midst of reading a book. Well, a Graphic Novel (also known as a Trade Paperback, or TP, technically), which in layman’s terms is a novel that is done with drawings and word and thought balloons, like a really large comic book.

The novel is Neil Gaiman’s “Neverwhere”, as re-written and drawn by Mike Carey and Glenn Fabry.

Anyhoo, early in the TP, I came across this quote; “The world seems to work in predictable ways, and you think you see the pattern. But that’s fatal. Because it’s only a pattern until you meet the first event that doesn’t fit. And by then it’s too late. By then, all the tricks you’ve learned to deal with the world…well, they just don’t work anymore.”

Making me think about my life. About how it is. About how it has been. About how it is, again.

Like Alice in Wonderland, I have fallen down a rabbit hole; I made a choice to follow a rabbit down a hole, and life has never been the same. Like the character in The Matrix, I was offered the pills, and I took one, and now I can never look at life the same again.

But for me, this is not a bad thing. In fact, I am thinking that it is a GREAT thing!

My rabbit hole was my one decision. One, single, solitary decision, has forever changed my life. Last year, a little over a year ago, God nudged me. And I swallowed my fear, and I obeyed; I shared a little bit of His love with a woman who needed to hear it.

Yes, a myriad of strange things happened after that. I fell in love with her. She seemed to toy with the idea of loving me. Then, she used me. Then threw me away. And I loved her still.

Yes, all of those things happened. But, the part that changed my life forever, was obeying God.

I cannot look at anything the same way anymore. Everywhere I go, nothing is the same. Some might even say, that I lost my old life, that I shed it like a snake shedding its skin, that I stepped into a new reality. Now, everywhere I go, everywhere I go is ‘Neverwhere.’ Nothing is the same. Nor will it ever be again.

And that’s okay. No, that is better than ‘okay’; it’s awesome.

sumthing for everyone

Sum 41 – The Bitter End

there's no doubt in my mind when it's over
what is done will be
you will find when life gets colder there's no sympathy
there's no point trying you can't escape the bitter end
well who will greet you when you're at the bitter end

all your choices chosen you've got no say
your decisions made
face your consequences as your life begins to fade
as time keeps spinning closer to the bitter end
well who will greet you when you're at the bitter end

take a look at yourself as time keeps racing
is all you've come to be
what you expected or are you still chasing possibilities
cause all your prayers won't save you from the bitter end
well who will greet you when you're at the bitter end


Sum 41 – Open Your Eyes

Lately,
I'm not quite myself.
Maybe,
I do need some help.
Just my confusion,
Trust my delusions.

Don't you,
Regret you met me.
Go through
These steps to get me
Back to where we start,
Before I fall apart.

If I could black out,
It'd become so clear,
Standing face-to-face with everything I fear.
Watch so closely,
but still I don't see.
As bad as it seems,
A piece of mind I'd steal,
In ordinary life,
The consequence is real.
I'm past the point of reality.

This isn't me,
This isn't you,
But it's just everything we do.
‘Til you open up your eyes,
And understand this isn't real.
This isn't me,
This isn't you,
This is everything but true,
‘Til we come to realize,
It's what we put each other through.

It's like a bad dream
That's becoming all so true,
Leaving me with nothing else left to do.
Now so helpless,
I'm not so selfish.
Tell me,
How does it feel to have a face like that,
How does it feel to be replaced like that?
Now so faceless,
Do you still feel?

This isn't me,
This isn't you,
But it's just everything we do.
‘Til you open up your eyes,
And understand this isn't real.
This isn't me,
This isn't you,
This is everything but true,
‘Til we come to realize,
It's what we put each other through.

It's hard to believe right now,
This seems to be real.
It's unfazing by this time,
So why can't I wake up?

This isn't me,
This isn't you,
But it's just everything we do.
‘Til you open up your eyes,
And understand this isn't real.
This isn't me,
This isn't you,
This is everything but true,
‘Til we come to realize,
It's what we put each other through.

Bray King

I can feel myself braking.

And breaking.

Both are good things.


Today (the 23rd of June) was the one-year anniversary of a day that caused me much pain (later) and much joy (at the time). It is a day that I wish I could forget, but can’t. I expected it to be a tough day on me emotionally…

…But it wasn’t, not at all. In fact, I was at work, and was able to share with a co-worker how I am realizing, more and more, that “she” used me. Not only used me, but abused me. She has no love in her life, and no love within her. This doesn’t make me hate her; it makes me pity her.

She, in many instances that I can now see, used me to make her boyfriend jealous. She played us two off of each other, in order to get what she wanted out of each of us. She was cruel. She was heartless. She was entirely selfish. And I doubt she has changed any over time.

I thank God that I am able to see some of these things now. And when I say “now”, I mean just lately, like just within the last day or two. And, I know why. I know why it is happening “now”, this un-blurring of my inner sight. If it had happened any earlier, the chances are good that it would have caused a root of bitterness within me. I might have been mad at God. I certainly would have been mad at her. But now, now enough time has gone by, I have gone through enough of the fire and emerged out the other side (singed, but not well-done), that I can handle this revelation in the right way.

This is a breaking within me, as I begin to tear away from all that is in the past that has held onto me. This is a braking, as I am at last beginning to put a halt to wrong thinking patterns.

It is a new me, budding into sight out of the fresh earth. My Springtime is finally arriving! My Winter is over!

At work, I had a good talk with my boss. Yes, I am not happy that he continues to slough so much important work that he should be doing, stuff that his staff asks him to do he does not attend to., But at least he respects me and tries to pass on to me stuff that I need to know, that is good at least.

Also at work, I worked with the person I like least there, and got along with her. She shared some stuff with me that I needed to know, and I helped her with a few problems she was having (even staying ten minutes late to help her out). Of course, it helps that she was three hours late to work, so I actually only had to work with her for 3 hours in total…

God is good. God is good TO me. God is good FOR me. And God is good, period.

Somewhere out there, is a new destiny for me. And somewhere within, is a soon-coming future when I do not have to walk around with a foggy head and a heavy heart. Healing comes in the arms of Love. Thank You, Lord. Keep calling me, keep healing me, keep loving me, and please Lord use me again…

quoted

I just finished watching a movie, called "The Last Kiss".

In this movie is this line [ may not be an EXACT quote, but it is close ] , that made me think quite a lot : "What you feel, only matters to you. What you do to the ones you love, that is what matters."


There are a number of tangents my brain went on, after hearing this...

- If she had truly loved me, she would never have treated me like she did. The truth is, as I always suspected, she has no idea what real love is. Sad, but true.

- So many people, in relationships with people that do not treat them properly, yet dare to say that the person loves them. I am thinking, this is really not true!

- If you withhold a good thing from somebody, then do you really love them?

- If you do something wrong to or with a person, then do you really love them?

- So much I have learned. Oh, that I would not have had to learn them, while falling down SO VERY HARD. So much pain in my life, simply because I did not know things I should have. Now I know them, but have too much pain to be able to enact them. How stupid life can be.

- Love is a wonderful thing. But, it is not a feeling. But, it is not words. But, it is not a sexual or emotion high. But, it is not something that passes away easily. So, what is love? Love, love is a lifetime devotion to always striving for the best for another.

Let me say that again. I may never have written something so beautiful.

Love; love is a lifetime devotion to always striving for the best for another.

awe

“Holding Nothing Back” by Tim Hughes


I am chosen, I am free
I am living for eternity
Free now forever

You picked me up, turned me around
You set my feet on solid ground
Yours now forever

And nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back

My chains fell off
My heart was free
I'm alive to live for You
I'm alive to live for You
Amazing love, how can it be?
You gave everything for me
You give everything for me
Everything

You washed my sin and shame away
The slate is clean; a brand new day
Free now forever
Now boldly I approach Your throne
To claim this crown through Christ my own
Yours now forever

And nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back

My chains fell off
My heart was free
I'm alive to live for You
I'm alive to live for You
Amazing love, how can it be?
You gave everything for me
You give everything for me

I'm free to live
Free to give
Free to be
I'm free to love You
Free to live
Free to give
Free to be
I'm free to love You

My chains fell off
My heart was free
I'm alive to live for You
I'm alive to live for You
Amazing love, how can it be?
You gave everything for me
You give everything for me





I am amazed. I am amazed that God chooses to use me, to work through this weak earthen vessel. He is God. I am nothing. Believe me, lately, if nothing else, I am acutely aware of how much nothingness my life holds; without Christ, I truly have nothing.

Yet, God loves me. Yet, God desires to use me. Yet, God speaks to me, walks with me, leads me, blesses me. Who am I , Lord, that You would take notice of me? It is all because of the blood of Jesus. How utterly awe-inspiring…

's'funny

Sometimes, its funny where inspiration and encouragement can come from.

I justed hearded this song, and I instantly knew them there lyrics were for me, and had to promptly go here...


“Fall Back Down” by Rancid



Don't worry about me, I'm gonna make it alright
Got my enemies crossed out in my sight
I take a bad situation gonna make it right
In the shadows of darkness I stand in the light
You see it's our style to keep it true
I've had a bad year, a lot to go through
I've been knocked out, beat down, black and blue

She's not the one coming back for you
She's not the one coming back for you
If I fall back down, you're gonna help me back up again
If I fall back down, you're gonna be my friend
If I fall back down, you're gonna help me back up again
If I fall back down, you're gonna be my friend

It takes disaster to learn a lesson
You're gonna make it through the darkest night
Some people betray one and cause treason
We're gonna make everything alright
Well the worst of times, now, they don't phase me
Even if I look and act really crazy
I went way down, she betrayed me
Now my vision is no longer hazy
I'm very lucky to have my crew
They stood by me when she flew
I've been knocked out, beat down, black and blue

She's not the one coming back for you
She's not the one coming back for you
If I fall back down, you're gonna help me back up again
If I fall back down, you're gonna be my friend


If I fall back down, you're gonna help me back up again
If I fall back down, you're gonna be my friend
If I fall back down, you're gonna help me back up again
If I fall back down, you're gonna be my friend
If I fall back down, you're gonna help me back up again
If I fall back down, you're gonna be my friend
If I fall back down, you're gonna help me back up again
If I fall back down, you're gonna be my friend



Excuse my zeal of colour-coding things. I am trying to stay positive, during the most difficult time of my life.

Slainte!

FDAHD

Faith dies a hard death.

It doesn’t matter whether the faith you had was in the right thing, or in the wrong thing, or somewhere in that grey limbo in-between. It just doesn’t matter.

When faith dies, it doesn’t stay totally buried. Like the corpse of the Frankenstein monster, it claws its way back to life and shuffles by you on the street unexpectedly.

Sometimes, and I know this may be hard to understand for some of you, but sometimes faith can be unwanted. It gets to be, that faith that keeps shuffling through life when it is no longer wanted, it gets to be that you begin to despise the day you first had faith in that thing.

Because faith does not die easily, nor does it die alone. It lives on just long enough to cut you slowly into pieces and attempt to drag every part of you, piece by bloody piece, into a lifetime of emotional hell.

Even when you do not want it, even when you pray it goes away and leaves you alone…suddenly, you’ll see it on the street, in an alley, reflected in a mirror. The thing that you thought brought you the greatest sanity in life, can end up being your undoing.

When you have faith that something will happen, when you truly believe it with all your heart…you are never the same afterwards.

I wish I could go back. Some days, I honestly wish I could go back. Mainly, because I do not seem to be making any real progress forwards. I am shackled to the earth on which I stand. Immobile. Transfixed. I do not want to be! I struggle to move. I pray for release. But, here I stand, watching my horror-show of a life play out in front of me.

It isn’t fun. It definitely isn’t funny. It’s surreal. And it is keeping me from truly living again. And there does not seem to be any answers to be had…

It isn’t that I hold onto hope that what I previously believed in will still happen. For the most part (except when the odd fit of pure insanity hits me…which, yes, does happen on occasion), I do not believe in that or for that anymore. I try to live in reality. But…my heart keeps reminding me that this is what I believed, truly believed with all of my heart…and it hasn’t come to pass. It…messes with my senses and with my perception of life. It leaves me residing in the State of Confusion (in the city of Hope Springs), at a home that I do not even recognize. Every part of my life seems twisted, perverted, and not what it is supposed to be.

Everything changed when my sense of destiny died, that sense that I had looked for my whole life and finally found; now, I am a nomad in life. Looking for a human who will reach out and be my anchor. Somebody who will focus me and help me to redefine my life and my life’s goals, somebody who will set my heart aflutter again. Somebody who I will one day look at, and see as my destiny. Because, when that day comes, and when that moment arrives, all my pain and confusion will shatter like a broken mirror.

All I want, is a new sense of destiny. All I want, is some body who can see past my pain and confusion and see a good man that God wants to use, and who will help to draw me out again. I can’t do this on my own. I am not so good by myself; I need a partner. A God-sent partner.

gut-check time

Somebody who takes the time to get to know you and understands you – somebody who believes in you and wants the very best for you, and will work to make your life a better place – somebody who both accepts you as you are with all your faults and differences, and also gently leads you towards making your own changes to yourself that will benefit you – somebody who wants to spend time with you, and trusts you enough to not only give you of their precious time (because life is short, and time passes too quickly) but also to open up their heart and their dreams and their fears to you – that’s love.

God, please open up my heart to be able to love again. I think I have locked myself up pretty tight. Lord, I have seen You bring people into my life before to benefit me and for me to give into their lives as well; I know You not only do these things, but You actually do them for me, I’ve seen and experienced it. So Lord, help me to get past, past the pain and hurt of rejection and shattered dreams, past the scars on my emotions, past the fears of being hurt again, past the memories that tie me to my past and keep me from my future, past my inferiorities that have only been fed by everything that has happened to me this decade of my life, and past the loss of a sense of destiny.

No, no, that isn’t true – I haven’t lost my sense of destiny, I have just had it hitched to the wrong person, and I need for You to unhitch it, Lord, and re-hitch it to the right person. God, please help me – please complete the healing of my heart, so that I do not miss out on that beautiful woman that You have for me. I want to be healed, so that I am fully capable of giving to her in every way possible.

Please heal me, God, so that You can use me. I want to love again.

I want to love again. This time, I won’t fail.

justa

just a couple of daily devotionals from lately that i thought i would share...


God’s Good Timing



God will always give what is right to His people who cry to Him night and day, and He will not be slow to answer them.

Luke 18:7 (NCV)



Why does God wait until the money is gone? Why does He wait until the sickness has lingered? Why does He choose to wait until the other side of the grave to answer the prayers for healing?



I don't know. I only know His timing is always right. I can only say He will do what is best....



Though you hear nothing, He is speaking. Though you see nothing, He is acting. With God there are no accidents. Every incident is intended to bring us closer to Him.





Don’t Forget



May our Lord Jesus Christ Himself...encourage you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say.

2 Thessalonians 2:16 (NCV)



Are you still in love with Jesus? Before you remember anything, remember Him. If you forget anything, don't forget Him.

Oh, but how quickly we forget. So much happens through the years. So many changes within. So many alterations without. And, somewhere, back there, we leave Him. We don't turn away from Him...we just don't take Him with us. Assignments come. Promotions come. Budgets are made. Kids are born, and the Christ...the Christ is forgotten.

Has it been a while since you stared at the heavens in speechless amazement? Has it been a while since you realized God's divinity and your carnality?

If it has, then you need to know something. He is still there. He hasn't left.

freeing thoughts

first, the lyrics to "Free" by Powerman 5000 ...

Let's go!
Everybody needs to start their own fire
Everybody needs a riot of their own
Everybody needs to be something that they are not
Everybody needs to go it alone

Because!
Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't be what you want to be
Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't see what you need to see

Okay!
All the time spent hanging on to anything
All the time spent knowing that they're wrong
All the time wasted, stolen back, innocent
You won't get a second more so move it along

Because!
Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't be what you want to be
Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't see what you need to see

Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't be what you want to be
Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't see what you need to see

Wishing and hoping and thinking it's you
That's got this all under control
Never a minute has passed you all by
When they haven’t invaded your soul

It’s not something you can hold
It’s not something you own
It's not something you can buy or steal
You've got it when you're alone

Being free is a tragedy
When you don't know yourself
Being free is a tragedy
When you don't know who you are

Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't be what you want to be
Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't see what you need to see

Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't be what you want to be
Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't see what you need to see

Let's go!
Hey, hey, hey!
Alright then
This is the story of your life man



It seems to me, that living in a cage and not being able to get out, that is a terrible thing. But that is not the opposite of freedom. The opposite of freedom, is thinking that you are free and not being able to see the cage that you willingly put yourself into. That is the true opposite of freedom. We all know people like this, don't we? Perhaps it is even us, at times, or has been.

Me? I see the cage, and I am busting out, never to go back.

It is time for freedom. It is time for me to be free. It is time.

2

two new poems posted here...

http://leplaunpoetree.blogspot.com/2009/06/will-to-outlive-past.html

and

http://leplaunpoetree.blogspot.com/2009/06/3-then-me.html

Thank you!

And On The Third Day...

June 17th 2009, 1:20am


It’s not about work.

It’s about me.

I am not angry at with work. I am not angry at anyone in particular at work. Nor do I hate my work.

It’s me. It’s the way I think, the way I feel, the way my life is. These are the things that make me not happy. If it feels like work is the problem, that is probably because the only thing that I DO in my life is work!

Last year, I gave my heart. I gave it like I never gave it before. In the end, tragically, I was rejected. I was deemed “not good enough.” That cuts and stings. How could it not?

I desperately miss “something”. Not “her”, because she wasn’t the right one for me in the end. I miss the giving of my heart. I miss the bare-bones honesty. I miss that belief in another person. I miss the potential for happiness and love. I miss the sense of destiny. I miss the extreme confidence that I had.

Mostly, I am crushed, because we “clicked” so incredibly well (like two parts of a seatbelt snapping together). She was, in many (but obviously not all) ways, my soul-mate. Yet, I am lone, without her. The thought I may never have that again, terrifies me. That I may never again “click” with a woman like that. Also, the fear that my destiny passed me by, in spite of my best try to hold onto it and to chase after it. I also fear being that open and honest and involved with somebody’s heart and soul again, because to have that and then lose it is devastating.

So, I have isolated myself. I have NOBODY in my life. I have made my life this way. It has been by choice, both consciously and sub-consciously. Yet, I feel so terribly alone. And so very tired of being alone.

Here is the dilemma that I face now; in the first 37 and a half years of my life, I found only one person who has ever appeared to understand me, support me, appreciate me, and feel that sense of destiny when they look at me. Just…one…person. For a couple of short months, this person was close to me, she was in my life and in my heart and in my soul. Then, suddenly, she rejected me, lied to me, used me. She seemed to do everything she could to derail the path she was on with me. She fought that sense of destiny tooth and nail.

It’s been ten months since she began to use me and abuse me, remaking me (in her mind) from her saviour to her ‘stalker.’ That was her choice, and I now respect her right to make it, so I don’t hate her for it; I just can no longer trust her. It has been eight months since I last saw her. It has been eight months since I was on the verge of an extreme mental and emotional breakdown. It has been five and a half months since I last spoke to her (via email). (I could list how long it has been since some of the good moments we had between us, but I do not want to remember them, it is too painful to do so.).

Back to my dilemma. If I only found all of that in ONE PERSON in (now) 38 and a half years of life, I very strongly fear that I will never have that happen again…

So, I isolate myself. I live my life completely alone. If anyone thinks that I do not WANT someone in my life who likes me, someone who appreciates me, someone who likes to spend time with me, someone who has concern for me, someone to laugh with me and someone to hold me tight when I cry, if anybody thinks that then they have missed the point. There are several fears here I struggle with. First, that nobody will WANT to know me like that. Second, that if somebody does become a person like that to me, that they’ll still never come close to the short (but intense) friendship I had with “her”, and I wills till always feel that sense of lack. And third, I am scared to be that open and honest again, because although I saw the benefits of it, I also still feel the pain that putting yourself (your mind, heart, soul) out there like that can cause when the other person rejects you.

I am stressed. No, I am far beyond stress; I feel like I am on the verge of another breakdown. I live my life alone, I have for a long time now. The only human companionship I get is at work. To show up for my shift at work, and to be told that I am working ALONE again at the old work site, is far beyond cruel; it is damaging to my mental health. To be locked in this room all alone again for another 8 hour shift…the third such shift this week…after already telling my boss that I could NOT work another one of these shifts, and why…I have run the gamut of emotions tonight in my first two hours here. Here, alone with my only companion being her ghost…too much for me to take! I have already considered – screaming, throwing things, crying (okay, actually I already did this one), getting drunk after work, going to the doctor and going on medication of some sort, quitting my job, going on immediate holidays, or going on stress leave.

I need a shoulder to cry on. Don’t have one. I need somebody to truly believe in me. Don’t have nobody like that. I need somebody to talk to me and to listen to me. Nope, nobody. I need somebody who will do stuff with me, get me out of my small apartment when I am not working. Again, that person doesn’t exist for me. I want to get angry, but quite honestly I am not a person who hold son to anger, and besides there is nobody to be angry with!

I need a new life. Right now, I am not liking the one I have been leading. I need some companionship, some laughter, some joy, some action and excitement, and yes maybe even some love. But not with just anybody. I’ve tried “just anybody” before, and it doesn’t work for me. It has to be “the right person.” I am tired of wasting my heart and my life on “just anybody”; just because they are available and willing does not mean ANYTHING in the grand scheme of life. I don’t want “somebody”. In my life, that is al I have ever freakin’ had; “somebody.” Let me tell you, having “somebody” is way friggin’ over-rated. I don’t want to, I will not, go that road EVER AGAIN! Nope, from now on, I am waiting for and expecting “the right one” to come into my life. I’ve taken my lumps in life and paid my dues. In the last year, I have gone through more emotional pain than I thought I could ever survive, and yet I do not regret it. I’ll live with the painful scars, because I choose to understand that this has set me up for something better in my life, “the right one.” She is out there somewhere, and she is amazing, and we will fit together like nothing I have ever experienced before. And that’ll be it for me, she will be “it” for life. Cuz I’m a romantic, and I believe in both love and destiny. So this dream of mine isn’t an “if”, it is a “when.”

But in the meantime, I am still feeling alone. Makes sense, because I AM alone. It is time to change my life, to blow up the walls and gain some glorious freedom. As I sit here, fighting the emotions, the only question I have to ask is, “How”? I need to bust out, so I can find that blessing that is coming my way.

If there is anyone crazy enough to be still reading this, I bet by now I sound quite sad and desperate. But really, I honestly do not feel that way. Oh, I feel alone, and have felt that way for quite some time. I am well aware that it takes a deep and loving person to be able to understand me and get close to me. I am a deep well, and a quiet and guarded person. But I know that my experiences in loving “her” were a good thing, because they taught me that I am capable to loving passionately and whole-heartedly. I can be a very tender, compassionate, and giving person. Loving her taught me that. I gave lots with her, and got little in return (and too much of it ended up being lies and abuse and deception in the end). So I know I am able to love a woman, to lover her in the way she needs to be loved. I am not a hopeless case! LOL. Seriously, I am not sad and desperate. What I am, is I am anxious to find that right person, so I can pour all my love into her life. I WANT TO HAVE A LIFE’S GOAL OF MAKING ONE WOMAN FEEL LIKE SHE IS THE LUCKIEST WOMAN ALIVE TO GET TO BE WITH ME. I am serious. In my life, right now, I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough. Ha! A breakthrough, not a breakdown – that’s funny, isn’t it? Yeah, I am on the edge of a grand adventure in my life, one that will make all of my life’s experiences worthwhile. I don’t know where I am going, but I know I am going there hard and fast. I am going to make a name for myself as a wall-breaker, refusing to let anyone (or myself) fence me in. I am going to enjoy the 2nd half of my life, unlike my first half, and lucky is the woman who gets to ride shotgun with me!

My third day here at this place. Just me, and the dead. After three days, only one of us is going to rise…

At this point, I would like to thank my parents. Mom and Dad, where would I be without you? (Obviously, NO-where!). Nobody would have blames the two of you for giving up on me a long time ago. I haven’t lived an easy or a happy life, and I recognize that this has been hard on you as well. I’m not sure exactly where you got the faith that allowed you to keep believing in me and supporting me, but I thank you both for that. Too many times in my life, you have been the only ones who saw past the me that I was and the life I was living, and you saw the person that I am slowly becoming. Without your belief in me, I do not think I would be here today. From the fear that ruled my life as a teenager and a young adult, through being briefly suicidal at 19 (did you even know that?), from the lows of not being able to hold a job that paid more than minimum wage for over a decade to the high of finally becoming a father myself, through my up-and-down spiritual life, through 2 failed marriages and then one twisted love-relationship with a strange woman who has both scarred me and re-made me, through all of these things, the only people who have truly stood by me are my parents. I look at my life, and I just shake my head in bewildered amazement at what I have had to endure; no wonder God called me “peculiar” in prophecy! Mom and Dad, nothing I can say or do can ever repay you for what you have done for me. Nevertheless, I thank you. I know that your true reward will be waiting for you in heaven!

If nobody has figured it out yet, when I get stressed, I write. I write to sort things out. I write to keep my mind busy. I write to keep my sanity somewhat intact.

Let me let you in on a secret; It is a terrible thing to want what you cannot have. How often do we set our hearts and our sights on something, only to butt heads with our Saviour because a loving God will not let us have it? God knows so much more than we do! Yet, even though we often ask for the wrong things, still He tells us to bring our requests to Him. So often, we expect that if He doesn’t shout “No!” at the top of His lungs at us, then we should just keep on asking Him until He breaks down and gives it to us to shut us up. That seems to be what we think! Luckily, we have His Word to tell us His will for us, to show us what is right and what is wrong; really, His Word is all we need, not His audible shout. Wanting something that God didn’t want for me, it almost destroyed me. It took me far too long to lay my own feelings and desires aside and realize that she was not the one that God had chosen as my next wife. In the end, I had to submit to the truth of His Word, and choose to leave her alone, despite my strong feelings for her. And, to this day, part of me still wants her. But my obedience (now) pleases God, and I know He has “the right person” out there somewhere for me. Hopefully, not too far away. I need something (someone) good in my life for once! I’m sure I do not deserve her, but that doesn’t mean I do not need her (and she needs me). The way I figure things, I will always have an attachment to the previous “her”, right up until “the right one” comes along. After that…my heart will then be 110% hers.

So, long story short…I haven’t been pleased about where I’ve had to work tonight. But I’ve survived. I’ve kept my mind busy and occupied, so that nobody else could occupy it for any great length. I could do a lot of venting about tonight, and why it was wrong on so many levels; I could be very angry over it all. Bit I don’t want to be an angry person, ‘cause it is just counter-productive. And nobody really cares about my indignation, so why discuss it? Better to work hard at letting it go. Suffice it to say, I’m not happy about it, but I lived through it and now it’s done. ‘Nuff said!

Just looking for some Joy in my life (there’s some irony in this statement, but I won’t explain it). After all the stress and pain and heartache of the last year and a half, it seems like surely I am due for some major blessings, major gifts. Some good, close, loyal friendships, God-fearing and Jesus-loving people who care for me (and I for them). A good church body to be a part of. And a loving woman to share the rest of my life with.

Look out, negative thoughts! Look out, fiery arrows! Look out, devil’s schemes! It’s my coming out party, it’s my turn to shine, good things are coming my way!

From Bitter To Better (the Better Batter eats Butter?)

Remember: It is better to bare your soul, than to let your soul become barren.



So, it is 4:37pm on Sunday June 14th 2009, and I am sitting alone in this room again. “Work”, they call this. But I am alone, doing nothing.

Something I have come to realize already today. Bear with me once again, as I clear my thoughts of the stuff in them. I have not seen Melanie since the middle of October of 2008. For the last 8 months, I have come to work 4 or 5 times a week, to this very room. This room is like a ghost, it holds many memories of my life with Melanie in it. Of all the things that passed between us, 95% of them took place in this very room.

How do I feel about that? Honestly, I equate it to a spouse dying, and living on in the same home where you lived with them. Everywhere I look, there are ghostly after-images of her; of what she did, of what she said, of how she looked, of her laugh, of her compassion, of her tears, of her pain, of her smile, of her anger. It is all here still. I know many of you will think that I am blowing things out of proportion, but I am not; these are my memories, and I have to re-live them on a daily basis. These are my feelings, and I have to deal with them as they ebb and flow. This is my life, and I am the only one who can live it.

I look forward to the fact that this is the last work shift I will ever spend in this room. It will “help” to begin to bring closure. Subconsciously, I have been looking forward to no longer having to work here, to come here, to see and hear and smell her here, for a good long time now.

At the same time, it terrifies me to leave here. It makes me feel, melodramatically I am sure, like I am leaving her here, alone and by herself. Reality is, she chose to live life without me a long time ago. Her choice, and we all live with it, for better or for worse. But it still scares me. I still remember the feeling I got not long after I grew close to her, the feeling that she would be in my life forever. Well, in some ways she always will be, but not nearly even close to how I thought. Sigh…

I am a poet by nature. I feel things deeply, and I ponder them forever. I try to make sense of the world around me by looking at things differently than others do. And I filter everything through emotions. It is a blessing, and a curse. It is what it is. But please, do not tell me not to feel what I feel. I appreciate that everyone just wants me to move on. But moving on is not just a simple choice. I chose to move on after my first wife and I broke up, when I was not yet ready to, and I ended up making a terrible mistake that affected many lives. You do not just choose to ignore your emotions; you have to learn to live with them, to gradually tame them, and to shape them into something beautiful that you can use. And that is what I am attempting to do. I am NOT trying to stay in the past. I am trying to SHAPE how I view the past, so that my past can become a functioning part of my present and my future. It is a process, and one that I must work through. Pray for me if you like, but do not try to tell me how to deal with things. God walks with me, and He will see me through. And I will get through this MY way, because MY WAY is the way that God wants me to go through this. He wants me to be uniquely me. He appreciates me, He made me unique and He loves my uniqueness. So, I cannot and will not handle this the way that anybody thinks that I should; I will handle this the way that I handle it, because I am me.

I realize today that I could “jump start” my healing process, at least I think I could, by becoming angry with Melanie Joy. And, honestly, that anger would come fairly easily to me. But, that way would not be a way that I would be able to respect myself for taking. I respect myself, God, and even Melanie, too much to use the route of anger (or is that the “root of bitterness”?). So do not expect me to bash her, put here down, or otherwise push her aside. Melanie, and my feelings for her (the ones I have had, the ones I do have, and the ones I will have – they are MY feelings, let me have them!), will always be a part of me. I am trying to meld these feelings and these thoughts and these memories into something useful. I would much rather move on in life, able to be thankful to God for using MJ in my life, and able to be thankful feeling towards Mel, than the alternative. Why would I hate her? Why would I blame her? Above all, my greatest hope in life is to see her in heaven. There, she will be my forever sister. There, I will not be mad at her – so what is the point of being that way here on earth? No, I want to have good thoughts towards her. And, yes, I DO realize that I cannot have her. I KNOW this. But I still miss her, I still miss (my best friend ever!) what we had (short as it was, frustrating as it was, it was the best thing I have ever had in my life!), and I will always be grateful to her for the short time she dared to share a little bit of her heart with me. It was heaven on earth, to me.

So, my future; what does it hold? Obviously, not Melanie. But, one way or another, my life goes on, and my life has now been partially shaped by my experiences with her. So, when I say that she will always be a part of me, that is what I mean – if not for her and what I had to go through with her, I would not be the person that I am now, or the person that I will one day be. Yes, God could have used anybody or anything to accomplish some of these changes in me; but He didn’t. I am thankful to God, and to Melanie. She did not know God was using her, but He was and He did.

My future? I do not know. Something good. Hopefully, soon. A special someone, when I am ready. God’ll work it all out.






I have, within me, the ability to love. At times, I can positively feel it within me, struggling to break to the surface, looking for somebody to give to.

I realize that may sound “a little weird”. But, regardless of what you perceive as reality, my reality is based on my own perceptions. And I strongly believe that this last year or so of my life has (shaped me, like being worked on by a Master Craftsman) changed me. I am not who I once was. I’m not the old me; I’m something else. I am not the weak me, although I may still look like him on the outside – I am full of untapped potential.

I am not sure that I ever truly understood love. Not before all of this. I did not trust my feelings very much, let alone act on them. I did not understand God’s love for me, not compared to how I do now. And I certainly did not understand how to love a woman. All that thought of “giving” just wore me out, stressed me out; I couldn’t grasp it! But now, now things are different for me. I have gone through the fire, I have been tested, I…I don’t know how to explain it more accurately. But I am DIFFERENT. I am BETTER. I just know that I am. I sense it, I see it, I feel it.

I was sitting here, and looking at my work schedule. I realized that I was actually scheduled for yet another shift here at the old site, working by myself in an empty room full of memories that I cannot seem to escape, and the thought of doing that shift filled me full of absolute dread. So I made a phone call to my boss, told him that there are too many memories here for me to deal with, and asked his permission to switch a shift with somebody, change up the schedule. He told me that he was giving me his permission. Then I phoned the other work site (the new one, the open one) and got the cell-phone number of a staff member, whom I called and asked to change a shift . He agreed. Then I made one other change to the schedule, and now it ends up that in order to escape that shift, I had to schedule myself for a GraveYard shift. Which I gladly did.

I sat back and looked at my handiwork, and had to stop myself from grinning like an idiot (although, since I am alone here, what would it really matter?). I realized that I had just taken control of my own destiny in life, I had just made an incredible investment in my future and in my mental and emotional and spiritual health. Maybe it does not seem like such a huge big deal, but for me, it was a MONSTROUS huge decision. A GOOD decision. And, for the first time in quite some time, I can put my shoulders back and feel like a man. Makes me want to go outside and howl at the moon, so to speak. This is what life is about. Not letting life control you, but putting up the sails and letting God take the tiller and trusting that as long as you are moving forward then at least you know you are not dead yet.

This workplace has been my tomb for too long. I look forward to rolling the rock away from the door and stepping out into life. Enough being haunted, enough being taunted – now is my time to live.

Life is about love. If you want to get close to God, you have to love Him. Nothing will line you up with God’s will and God’s blessings and God’s Word quicker than being in love with Him. Then, we take the love that He bestows upon us, and we give that love to others around us. We treat others respectfully and kindly, and we share the love of Christ with them. To truly get somewhere in this life, you must love others. And to get somewhere in the “afterlife”, you must love God. God is love, so of course life is about love. The most important thing in life, is to love God. The second most, is to love others.

That is the legacy that I want to leave behind me. May my tombstone read, “He loved God passionately, and showed love to those around him.” My future starts now. May love transform me. I think it already has, don’t you?


And, thank You, Lord. Thank You for trusting me enough to allow me to go through the pain and heartbreak I’ve gone through, so that You could re-make me into the man You want me to be.



Here are the lyrics to the song “My Daddy Can Whip Your Daddy” by Disciple…

My God is I Am Who I Am
The spotless Lamb
He's the Son of Man
He's the absolute perfection
He's my resurrection
And by God He's my protection!

God is good, God is good
He's so freak'n awesome!

Draw close to Him
He draws close to me
His children are as the sands to the sea
He placed in me a redemption song
And when He's weakest, He's still strong

My God is as gentle as a dove come from above
Unconditional love
He's sacrificial through His son
Second to none
He's the Almighty Holy One!

God is so good, I love Him so much
He's done so much for me
My Daddy can whip your daddy!
My Daddy can whip your daddy!

Draw close to Him
He draws close to me
His children are as the sands to the sea
He placed in me a redemption song
And when He's weakest, He's still strong

My God is I Am Who I Am
The spotless Lamb
He's the Son of Man
He's the absolute perfection
He's my resurrection
And by God He's my protection!

My Daddy can whip your daddy!
My Daddy can whip your daddy!

life

Life is good.

Because i choose to see it that way today.

My future is bright. The tunnel has a light at the end, and I can see it. So i will keep moving towards it, one painstaking step at a time, until i reach it, and i break out into the open, leaving behind my shackles of captivity and running free through the shining bright meadows of God's goodness and grace.

Because i choose to.

God is good. Life is good. God is life.

A Life-Changing Shift

It is 5:15pm on June the 13th 2009. I am sitting here at my old (closed) work site, in this room all by myself for an 8 hour shift. I have been listening to music on my MP3 Player, trying to pass the time.

Truthfully, I am just sitting here alone, and it is reminding me too much of my life. The “aloneness” is closing in on me. I talk so much about being a giving person. But I am not really giving at all, I have nobody to give to!

Truth is, I am frightfully alone. I am unloved, or nearly so. And I have been this way, for far too long…

It has been nearly one full year since I thought any female loved me romantically. And even that one person, I now no longer even know if she ever did have feelings of love for me. She certainly never came out and told me that she did, although she hinted.

It has been 17 months since my last wife and I split up. She rejected me, and no longer wanted to live with me. Things with her were bad for about two months, really bad, before we split up. My last wife, did she even ever love me? I mean, I cannot honestly think of a time she was passionate and tender and caring towards me. She just always seemed to be judging me, and I always seemed to come up short (to her and her impossible standards). She was always asking me for more, and never opening herself up and giving to me from her heart (which is what I desired). I feel like I could never quite reach her. We did not so much grow apart, as it was more like we were never really together. She was a closed book, keeping so much of what she thought and felt to herself. We rarely did things together. We seldom laughed and enjoyed life together. Really, it wasn’t much of a marriage at all.

So, the question remains, how long has it been since I was actually romantically loved and cared for?

Well, my first wife and I have been divorced now for about 7 years, I believe. That means we were married for 8 years (?) and together for 10 years. She and I, for the most part, got along fairly well, particularly at the beginning. We, for all intents and purposes, grew up together. But “rockiness” had its fair share of this relationship. We split up once before we were married, and twice afterwards. She kicked me out once (on Father’s Day), and left me in the middle of the night another time. She took my daughter from me, and asked me not to have anything to do with her. Between the time we first started dating, and our eventual divorce, she slept with more people than I can count, and she acted inappropriately with scores of others. And, as she told me, she only hooked up with me to escape her parents. Although for a lot of times we were best friends, and although we get along to this day “fairly well”, I have to ask the obvious question – is this what real love looks like? Was this relationship a real love relationship, being treated in this fashion? Oh, I wasn’t perfect; I was certainly immature and lacking confidence in my life. Bu honestly, a person who says “I love you” has to show it in their actions as well. Too many of the things that went on in this past relationship, showed the opposite of love.

So again, I sit here pondering, and I realize...now, I may be overstating things here, but…have I ever been loved in the way that God intended for me to be?

It is no wonder that I am so heartbroken. It is no wonder I am sitting here, alone, trying to choke back the tears of bitterness and pain and hurt.

You know what? Here is what I want. Here is what I am asking God for.

I am not asking God for the perfect woman. There is no such thing, I know that. I am not asking God for a woman who needs no work. I WANT a woman who needs work, a woman who needs ME.

I am asking God for a woman who loves Him passionately.

Other than that, the only thing that matters to me right now, is something that may be a little selfish, but maybe I feel like I have earned the right to ask for something for myself for once. What I want, is a Godly woman who will take one look at me, and KNOW, honestly KNOW, that I am the man God is leading her to. Just one look. One look, and know. And then she will act on it.

My first wife, she latched onto me because she wanted somebody to take her away from her parents.

My second wife, I had to pursue and convince her that we should be together. And she never really seemed to be convinced, she certainly never believed that God put us together.

That other woman that I loved (love still?), God put me into her life, I gave like I have never given before (still would give?), and she walked away from me, scared because I was an unknown to her. She would rather the devil that she knew, rather than face an unknown. She chose sickness over health, darkness over light, pain over healing, death over life, sin over God. And she still carries my heart with her. She is the first one I have ever given my heart to, who would not give back to me. That hurts me, like a cancer on the inside of my heart and my soul. She has forever changed who I am – for better or for worse, I do not always know. But I am a different person because of her, and I can never go back to who I was before she broke into my life. Like a bright shooting star, she appeared in my sky and she changed me on the inside, and then she fizzled and disappeared from view all too suddenly, leaving me in the darkness, without direction.

So, now, I want somebody to know that I am “the one”, and for her to pursue me. Oh, not forever. I do not expect to sit back and do nothing. But I want the opportunity to feel special, to feel blessed of God, and to be given a priceless gift.

Is that too much to ask? Does not a lifetime of pain and frustration deserve a little happiness and love?

Is God not a God of love, a God of giving, a God of good gifts?

Do I ask wrongly?

Well God, do I?

Can I?

May I?

Will You?

Please…



As far as MJ goes, I can’t be angry with her. Not ever. In spite of the pain and brokenness she left me with, she is my shooting star. She changed my life, and I LIKE (most of) the changes in me. She is my shooting star, and I wish I could see her again. But it is probably best that I do not, because nothing between us will ever likely be like it was before. I don’t want pale imitations and shadows of love; I want the real, God-ordained thing. I want it all, and I want it ASAP. Life is wasting away, I’m not getting any younger, and I am bored on my own. “MJ, wherever you are, may God find you, save you, change you, and bless you, in that order. I’ll see you in heaven. All my heart, Dredd Sweet.”

One more question – Do I feel things so deeply because I am a poet, or am I a poet because I feel things so deeply?

From “Black”, the novel by Christian author Ted Dekker, comes these 2 lines, lines that speak volumes to me about Who God is, and about how my life’s experiences bring me closer to Him.
‘ This was the Great Romance. To love at any cost.’

Yes, love is the most important thing there is, because God is love. And all love has a price. You must be willing to hurt, even to die, to truly experience what real love is. So, I do not regret loving MJ. I loved her, and in some way I still do. I loved, and that love burned me inside, it seared and singed my soul. I survive the pain, but it leaves me with a limp. Like Jacob wrestling The Angel. I did what God said for me to do, I loved MJ with all of my heart; I did not win her, but I did win a knowledge of what real love is, and my heart’s limp will always remind me of what I have gained.

This is some pretty deep stuff, isn’t it?

It is exciting! I am…I, just like you who are reading this, I am discovering things as I write this.

I have known for quite some time that MJ was a blessing in my life. But, just now, I am discovering what a HUGE blessing she was to me! A gift from God.

See, let me explain. When I was a teenager, God used a small kitten to show me that He loved me. Ever since that moment, a cat has always been a sign of God’s love to me.

But, God showed me last year, He showed me how to love another person, with a love that is not selfish but giving.

When I was a teenager, God used a cat to show me that He loved me. Then, last year He used Melanie to show me that I was capable of taking that love He has for me, and pouring that love into somebody else for their benefit.

So, I have been thinking about this. See, a cat will always be, to me, a sign of God’s love for me. In the same way, I truly believe that my ability to love another person (in the right way) will always be linked in my mind with MJ.

And, in that way, she (and my love for her) will always live on within me. And that thought makes me smile. Which reminds me of a Galactic Cowboys song lyric that says, “You make me smile, when it’s said and done.” God is extremely good to me. Melanie never has to leave my heart, because she will be intrinsically linked to any love relationship that I have in my life, through God’s gift to me that He worked through my friendship with her. That is so cool!

I have not lost Melanie. I carry her with me in my heart. And my limp, my inner hurts, they are God’s reminder to me of what took place, of the price that was paid to learn a secret so great that a price had to be paid to learn it. God, You are so good to me! Thank You!

I now do not have to be saddened about the pain that I am sometimes in. Rather, I can view this with pride, like a battle scar, like a great wound that I took in a battle to learn a great truth. And that makes it even more worthwhile than I already thought it was!

It is okay for me to be wounded. Like a war veteran, I can be proud that I was wounded fighting for a great prize, and capturing it in the end. I found how to love, and that is worth everything that I had to give (and more). I captured a great prize, and now I get to give that prize away to the next love of my life. I never realized when I first started spending time with MJ that she would be the key to my being able to make my next relationship work, but that it would not be my relationship with her. Isn’t it strange how God works?



Just doing some more thinking. Thank God that I am good at it, ‘cause I do an awful lot of it!

Here is what I think. I AM IMPORTANT. No, bear with me. This is not me being a megalomaniac. I am a person who throughout life has never been comfortable in my own skin. I have had to deal with a severe inferiority complex through most of my life, as well as a case of Attention Deficit Disorder that I never knew I had until I was an adult. I have always felt disassociated with what goes on around me, like I am not a part of everything I see. What I am saying, is that I am not reaching for grandeur with this comment.

Bear with me. When I say that I am important, I mean it in the best way possible. Not meaning that I am more important than anyone else. Just that I am more important than I thought I was, that I actually do have purpose to my life.

I thought Melanie Joy Young was my purpose. To some extent, she was. I now realize, she was PART of my purpose.

She was the instrument that God is using (still!) to awaken me. I thought she was my reason for being here on earth, to see her saved and to love her. And I thought I had lost my purpose, lost my God-given destiny, when I lost her. This is why I am alone, why I am unhappy. I have no destiny. But…

But, I am beginning to see things differently. Mel was just a PART of my destiny. I cannot say that I know where my destiny lies, but it does lie in whatever direction God eventually points me. And, part of my destiny required me to learn how to love properly. And God used Mel to teach me that. Yes, He could have used anyone. But, He used MJ for a reason. He knew I would find (and lose, for a while) a sense of destiny with her (one that I had NEVER had before). Also, He wanted me to be a witness to her (planting and watering seeds that yield a crop of salvation). He called me, and I answered. I was shown to be faithful. For once, for maybe the first time in my despicable life, I was shown to be faithful (“Hurrah!”). God called, I answered. I showered with love, I gave and gave and gave, I prayed until my voice was hoarse and my tear-ducts dried up. I believed, and so I went on, as long as I could last, no matter what I saw (looking past what I could see, and standing strong in faith), because I believed and because I wanted to obey. I also wanted to win. I see now, that the “victory” would take a much different form than I could ever guess at that time.

So, I still have a destiny. I was not wrong to see MJ as part of my destiny, I was just wrong in believing that she was ALL of my destiny. God still has a plan for me. He has not strayed from it. I have not derailed it. All is still in His hands.

Now, to just get that from my thick head, to my limping heart…





I don’t want to be ordinary.

I want to have God live through me.


“How Long” By Idle Cure


Some say You're there
Some say they're never quite the same
A gentle whisper deep within my soul
Some say You will
Some say You heal the hearts of men
My heart is in Your ever-loving hands

How long You have waited for me
How long You have given love so free

Some choose the hard road
The narrow path
A changing of my will
I need Your love and strength
within my heart

How long You have waited for me
How long You have given love so free

So I'm reaching out to You
Hope is more than just a dream
I want to give my life to You
When I feel that I am all alone
When the world comes crashin' round me
I look to You, Your love surrounds me
‘Cause I found myself in You

All the time I thought that love
would pass me by
You heard my cry
Now You're here inside of me

So I'm reaching out to you
Hope is more than just a dream
I want to give my life to You
When I feel that I am all alone
When the world comes crashin' round me
I look to You, Your love surrounds me
‘Cause I found myself in You

She

She had never met anybody like me.

In her 35 years of existence, i was something brand-new and ne'er-seen-before in her life.

I confused her. She couldn't completely understand me, or where i was coming from, because she was filtering things through her earthly experiences; i, on the other hand, was coming from a place of higher knowledge and deep unearthly love.

She couldn't put me in a box. In the end, that confused her - she likes to be in control of things, and even when she is not, she pretends to be so as to placate herself and her fears. She couldn't put me in a box, because she did not understand me. That confusion worried her, and rocked her world. So, she pushed me away. And, she found that the less she was around me, and the less influence she allowed me to have, the easier it was for her to explain things away in her own mind. It was easier to return to old patterns of thinking and of doing, and not have to stretch towards something that she did not know (and therefore scared her).

The less she was around me, the more she could mold her thoughts about me in such a way as to compartmentalize and make me fit (in her own head, if not in reality) into a box that she created.

That box, with me in it, became her reality. She thought it, she believed it, and thus, to her, it was so.

And, for me, that was the end of nearly everything.

Everything i believed, everything i wanted, everything i had dreamt, everything i had asked for...nearly everything was taken from me, when she left me behind. She took my present, and my future. Or, at least it feels like it. Still. It STILL feels like it.

Days like this...actually, almost every day is a day like this...on days like this, i feel like i gave my heart, and she ran off and hid it somewhere, and i will never be able to find it, and so i can never love again.

Two failed marriages.
A life full of disappointments.

You would think that these things are the major issues in my life.

But no. Instead, it is this girl, this one girl, who i still feel soul-love for, it is this one girl that has shattered my life into pieces.

I may go on, i may get up each day, go to work, read my Bible, do the things that are expected of me. Occasionally, i may even smile and laugh and cry.

But, in the end, i go to bed each night, wondering if she will ever give my heart back to me, so that i can go on with my life.

And i have no answer.

There is no answer.

She WAS my answer. But now she is gone. And i live, but feel not alive.

She had never met anyone like me. And she never will again. Because i was meant to be in her life, i was sent into her life, and she rejected both me and the One Who sent me.

She still carries me with her, whether she knows it or not, because she was my mission...

Don't get me wrong, friend. I am NOT feeling sorry for myself. See, i do not blame anybody for how things turned out - this is just the way the cookie crumbled. No blaming. No pity. In truth, if i were offered the choice to go back and re-do this all, i would gladly do it all again...and change NOTHING. Even knowing how disappointed i am, and how my life seems to not make sense without her in it, i would still do everything the same way.

See, i did this, and i can hold my head high about all this, because i was ASKED to. This was my mission. Maybe i failed. Maybe i was never meant to succeed, just offer. Who, besides God, knows? Not I! God isn`t telling, and i am not asking. What is the point, it isn`t like i want MORE pain and misery in my head and my heart!

I did what it was appointed me to do. But, my mission is not complete, and it will not be complete until i know that i will see her in heaven. My goal, my primary goal, it was always about her heart belonging to Jesus, not to me.

And that, i truly believe, is why i still feel for her. Because God granted me the ability to feel a little bit of what He feels for her, and that heart-memory lingers on within me. I was privileged and blessed to have been sent into her life. I did not deserve that calling, but it was given, and I answered. And, should God ever in my life call me back into her life to complete that mission, even though i risk more pain, i will go and go gladly.

In the meantime, i wait where i am, and hope God heals the wound in my heart.

love it

I love this song, but i do not have the lyrics. I tried to sort them out by listening, but the mumbling got to me and i got lost part-way through, but here is what i got, anyways...

"There Goes The One" by Blackball

There goes the one that I had,
There goes the one that I knew,
It lies abandoned like a
Useless conversation.
There goes the one that I had,
There goes the one that I knew,
It’s stuck inside me like
Some memory gone rotten all the time.

And you said you’re never gonna change,
And it seems to me, seems to me
You’ve always stayed the same

There goes the one that I had,
There goes the one that I knew,
Still heavy to carry
So I just pick it up from time to time
There goes the one that I had,
There goes the one that I knew,







Yeah, that is all i could make out, sorry. :-(

On another note, i am down on love right now. Feeling useless and unloveable. Just alone, and feeling lonely right now. A depressing state of affairs. I hate being single in the summer - all those happy couples out and about doing stuff together, everybody laughing and happy and smiling and stuff. That is hard on us single folks, you know! That is probably why i never leave my apartment - too much depression out there waiting for me.

Besides, i am too nice of a guy to ever find another woman. Women do not want nice guys. I know this, because all of the best ones end up in relationships with total jerks, and the women ruin their lives.

Love is stupid.

truly

I found this to be a truly beautiful line from Woody Allen's movie "Hollywood Ending";


- "Did you fall in love with your ex-husband?"
- "No. [ pause ] I never stopped loving him."

p-full

Powerful lyrics, from Dream Theater's song entitled "This Dying Soul"


I wanna feel your body breaking
Wanna feel your body breaking and shaking and left in the cold
I want to heal your conscience making a change to fix this dying soul
This dying soul

Now that you can see all you have done
It's time to take that step into the kingdom
All your sins will only make you strong
And help you break right through the prison wall

Help me
Save me
Heal me
I can't break out of this prison all alone

These tormenting ghosts of yesterday
Will vanish when exposed
You can't hold onto your secrets
They'll only send you back alone

Your fearless admissions
Will help expel your destructive obsessions
With my help I know you can
Be at one with God and man

Hear me
Believe me
Take me
I'm ready to break through this prison wall



Cuz, me, I AM ready to break through this prison wall. Too long, too fenced in, too beaten down, all on my own, twisting my self and my own life into my own tormented hell. I WILL break through this prison wall! God, help me to break through...God, help me...

take me

The lyrics to "As I Am" by Dream Theater



Don't
Tell me what's in
Tell me how to write
Don't tell me how to win
This fight
Isn't your life
It isn't your right
To take the only thing that's
Mine

Proven over time
It's over your head
Don't try to read between the
Lines
Are clearly defined
Never lose sight of
Something you believe in

Takin' in the view from the outside
Feeling like the underdog
Watching through the window, I'm on the outside
Living like the underdog

I've been trying to justify you
In the end I will just defy you

To those who understand, I extend my hand
To the doubtful I demand, take me as I am
Not under your command, I know where I stand
I won't change to fit your plan, Take me as I am

As I am

Still
Running uphill
Swimming against the current
I wish I weren't so
$@%#ed
Feels like I'm stuck
Lost in a sea of mediocrity

"Slow down,
You're thinking too much
Where is your soul?"
You cannot touch
The way I
Play
Or tell me what to say
You're in the way
Of all that I believe in

Takin' in the view from the outside
Feeling like the underdog
Watching through the window, I'm on the outside
Living like the underdog
I've been wasting my breath on you
Open minds will descend upon you

To those who understand, I extend my hand
To the doubtful I demand, take me as I am
Not under your command, I know where I stand
I won't change to fit your plan, take me as I am

lyrics i lykie!

Lyrics to "I Knew It" by Powerman 5000


The opposite of bravery has always been conformity
Don't trust your friends, they'll sell you out
'Cause they don't know what you're about
They want to change everything

To make you fit don't be so strange
But listen up and see it through
I'll say it now, they know less than you

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it was true
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, so why didn't you?

The enemy within yourself
Is always blaming someone else
Don't trust yourself you're not ok
Your time will come but not today

They clamp down on your neck
You're giving up with no respect
I think i know what's up your sleeve
But what you see now you cannot believe

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it was true
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, so why didn't you?




I love that line - "The opposite of bravery has always been conformity"
Even as a Christian, one should never be afraid to take risks, to be yourself, to love God passionately and know that He loves you the same.

So, I have decided something. What it is, is to do something (soon) that i have been playing around with the thought of for a while now. What, you ask? Not gonna tell you. You'll know it, when it is done, cuz i will tell then.

I just gotta be me!

3 best things

The three best things about Game 6 of the 2009 Stanley Cup Finals...


3) The inspired play of Pittsburgh forward Tyler Kennedy.

2) The fact that Detroit defenceman Nicklas Lidstrom has looked very ordinary this series.

1) An emotional Canadian icon, Donald S. Cherry, breaking down and weeping as he talked about the death of another Canadian soldier in Afghanistan.

Game, 7, Friday night.

Go Pens go!

new musical revolution

We need a new musical revolution. Music needs to be taken back, back by the artists and the people, back away from the money-grubbing whores that sell us crap we don't want.

Just for once, sell me music on its own basis, not becuz somebody sounds like somebody else who is currently selling well, and not becuz this artist endorses this brand of athletic apparel on TV or this artist has the hottest backup dancers on their videos. Hey...who cares!?!?!?!?

Music, is supposed to be about the music, NOT about the money that can be made off of it!


"That's Entertainment" by Powerman 5000

What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
What have we got?
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we got!

Check out all these rock stars,
Come on watch them suffer,
So very sad
And I hope you agree.

Not enough attention,
Oh, and did I mention,
Life is tough
Mr. Platinum CD.

What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we've got!
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we've got!

(Ouuuuuuuu-oh-ouuuuuu-ouuuu)

Look at all the pop stars
Thinkin' that they're in charge,
Let's see who's
The biggest whore.

Come on, shake your asses
Only for the masses,
You write the songs
And I'll lip-sync 'em on tour.

What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we've got!
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we've got!

(Set your soul on fire)

People come together,
Nothing lasts forever,
Consume it all
And we will supply.

Life is for the famous fools
And all the shameless,
And everything that
Money can buy.

What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we've got!
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
Yeah, yeah...

What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we've got!

What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
That's entertainment?!
What have we got,
Yeah, yeah,
That's what we've got!

p-less

I feel so powerless to help. It is such a sad thing that i have come to realize - that I am unable to help anyone.

I have so much compassion for so many people that i know, people that I work with, etcetera. But, even in my compassion for them and for the mess that their lives are in, I am totally, utterly, completely powerless to help them.

As I am coming to learn, only God can fix people; I can't.


On another note, i sure am enjoying what Creflo Dollar has been preaching on lately. i tape his stuff and watch it later, currently i am a few weeks behind. Just recently, he preached an amazing couple of messages on the stark reality of hell and the suffering therein, and at the end hundreds of people came forward to get saved and to recommit their lives to Christ.

After that, he has now moved on to preaching about what sin does. In particular, he is talking about sexual sin (fornication, sex outside of marriage). He lays out that although God forgives us for these sins, that we cannot walk around thinking these sins are okay somehow, and shows what God really thinks and says about these things in His Word. Pastor Dollar then shows the effects of these sins, both on the world around us and in our own lives, and how we may get forgiveness for the sin but still have to reap the consequences in our lives, in our childrens' lives, and in the community and the world around us. Scary stuff indeed, and very very true! God's Word is not to be tread on, nor are His laws to be pushed aside!

Let Go

the lyrics to the song "Let Go" by Adema


Contemplating my strange life
The sun starts to fall into the ground
A breeze picks up off the waves
And everything is fine

Let go of all of your pain

I know that I am not alone
Everyone makes mistakes and starts to learn with time
I am content with who I am
There's nothing more I need to say
I'm happy with my life

Let go of all of your pain
Let go of all of your pain
Let go and you'll escape
You'll be happy with yourself
Let go of all of your pain

Let go of the pain
Let go of all of your pain
Let go of all of your pain
Let go and you'll escape
You'll be happy with yourself
Let go of all of your pain

Let go
Let go
And release all this pain
Let go
Let go
And release all this pain
Let go
Let go
And release all this pain
Let go
Let go

Of all of the pain

today.

This is my daily devotional for June 7th...





You are....God's own possession.

1 Peter 2:9 (NCV)



God loves you simply because He has chosen to do so.



He loves you when you don't feel lovely.

He loves you when no one else loves you.



Others may abandon you, divorce you, and ignore you, but God will love you. Always. No matter what.










Isn't that simply awesome!?!

Promises

"Promises" by Adema



I went outside to take a walk
So I could relive memories
I thought that you would lend a hand
But you were never ever there

It's all in your mind
You do what you wanna do

Your promises are all played out
You've got your wish, you've worn me down
I treated you the best I could
I realize that I don't need you

I lost my way when you left home
I thought that you could change your life
What did I do, why do you lie?
You've walked back in, my hands are tied

It's all in your mind
You do what you wanna do

Your promises are all played out
You've got your wish, you've worn me down
I treated you the best I could
I realize that I don't need you

It's all in your mind
You do what you wanna do

It's all in your mind
You do what you want to me

I'm tired, I'm so damn angry
With you
You're not gonna change
I see who you really are

Your promises are all played out
You've got your wish, you've worn me down
I treated you the best I could
I realize that I don't need you

Your promises
Your promises
Your promises
They're all played out
You're so played out
You're so played out
You're so played out
They're all played out

3

Three critical albums.

I love these albums. Just yesterday, I put all three of them in my car.

I absolutely love albums that have not a weak song on them.

These three albums are...

"Unstable" by Adema
"Train Of Thought" by Dream Theater
"Transform" by Powerman 5000

Not for the weak, these hard rock albums bring down the house, from start to end.

3.
Three albums that I absolutely love.
'Nuff said.

How Imp.

How important is it to be believed in by somebody?

I believe it is HUGELY important.

Now, how important is it to believe in somebody else?

Something I have discovered in life, is this; all the things we want, all the things that we need, all the things that we tend to rely on those around us to give us, all these things are the things we need to GIVE to those we love.

It is not by getting that we feel good about ourselves – it is by giving.

In my life, I want to be loved. I feel that aching desire within me. Planted by God, watered by circumstance, it is a real need.
But I am older now than I once was, and more mature and more wise as well. I have come to discover that just as much as I want to BE loved, I want to GIVE love.

Last year, somebody special came into my life. She meant everything to me. And, you know what? It is actually debateable whether or not she loved me. But, still, she was important to me. I have discovered her purpose in my life (well, one of them, anyways). Her purpose was to teach me that 'I was made to give love'. I was created to be involved in somebody’s life, to give them my every best wish and prayerful best desires, to care for and about them in ways that stretch my soul to its very limit.

Because, that is what makes me a true human, and a true Christian. And that is what makes me feel good about myself and my life. Finding that one person to care about that way, and then giving even far beyond what you have to give. That is what makes life worthwhile. That is what makes my life mean something.


On another (connected) note, I really do miss being in love. It is a rush that just cannot be believed.
I miss flirting. Oh, not the sensual and sexual sort of flirting, but those things you say and do to let the other know that you are very interested in them.
I miss the meaningful glances. I miss the “accidental” brushing against the skin of the other.
I miss saying “I love you” and meaning it with all of my heart, and having the sentiment returned back to you, causing you to almost pass out for joy.
I miss waking up with a smile on my face, because I know that somebody loves me.

Some of these things, I can get from my relationship with God. But only the things that I am meant to get from Him. Some of these great benefits of earthly love, are just that – benefits of earthly love. God created love, and He created many levels of love. Just as I cannot get from another human being the love that will fill up the God-shaped hole in my soul, so also I cannot expect my relationship with God to give me some of the benefits that can only be gotten by loving (and being loved by) another human being.

So, yes, I do miss being in love. I look forward to one day being in love again.

And this time, it is going to be so great, so beautiful, so God-ordained, that it is going to make up for all those other failures.

Interview

Just caught this awesome interview with Michael Sweet, reminiscing about Stryper, talking about his new gig as the frontman for the legendary band Boston, and of course speaking to him about the recent passing of his wife Kyle.

The interview can be found on this webpage, simply scroll down until you see the Michael Sweet interview and click the link.

http://www.drewmarshall.ca/rss/tdms.rss

It is a radio interview, and lasts for 47 minutes. Please take time to listen to the whole thing, it is very moving and encouraging; I think it had me in tears more than a few times. And do not forget to say a prayer for Michael and his kids.

Apropos

Came upon this yesterday.

A poem written during the break-up of my first marriage.

Thought I'd share it here. Seems to go along with how i feel about various things yesterday and today.


This was written November 26th, 2002.



But I'm Alright


She left me all alone
Even the piano's gone
I came home and no one's there
I found her note and said a prayer
I'm alone in this life
Black has replaced our strife
I'm living without you
I survive another day
No one gets in my way
I'm alone, but I'm alright
Now music is my friend
Hear the sounds and drink them in
Silence won't reign here as king
I lift my voice and I will sing
I'm alone in this life
I'm living without strife
I get by without you
I survive another day
No one gets in my way
I'm alone, but I'm alright
You thought you'd do me in
Like a top give me a spin
I surprise you and rejoice
My pain it leaves as I give it voice
I'm alone in this life
Grey has covered over strife
I'm living without you
I'll survive another day
And no one gets in my way
I'm alone, but I'm alright
I'm alone in my life
I've gained it all as I lost my wife
I'm living without you
I can survive so many days
And your memory I erase
I'm alone, but I'm alright
I'm alone, but I'm alright
I'm alone, and that's alright