Below is a pic of my character in the game I am currently playing, called Sacred.
Click it to see it bigger!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Patience, Learning
Lyrics to Tim Hughes’ Out Of The Darkness
I could live a thousand years
Never earn a moment of Your grace
Even in my darkest day
You shine on me
You shine on me
And out of the darkness
You brought me into Your glorious light
Saved from the death I was facing
Rejoicing in the future, a hope that is mine
The greatest of all gifts
From the greatest of all givers
Jesus there upon the cross
True love displayed for all to see
And out of the darkness
You brought me into Your glorious light
Saved from the death I was facing
Rejoicing in the future, a hope that is mine
And your grace runs after me
Runs after me
Everyday of my life
And your mercies they never fail
They never fail
Everyday of my life
And out of the darkness
You brought me into Your glorious light
Saved from the death I was facing
Rejoicing in the future, a hope that is mine
And out of the darkness
You brought me into Your glorious light
Saved from the death I was facing
Rejoicing in the future, a hope that is mine
Blessings. Blessings are a funny thing, aren’t they? I can wait patiently for them. I can expect them. I can receive them when they come. But, after all, I live a life that is extremely blessed; each and every day, I get to experience God. I am blessed, not by what He is doing for me or has done for me or will do for me; no, I am blessed because I get to know God. Not just to know OF Him, but to KNOW Him. What greater blessing is there than that? What brings greater joy to my heart? What brings tears of thanksgiving and wonder to my eyes quicker than this? Truly, I am a blessed man, not because of what I have, not because of what God is doing, but because God allows me to know Him. Thank You, Lord. :)
Isaiah 41:10 (Amplified Version) –
Fear not; (there is nothing to fear) for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you (to difficulties); yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My victorious right hand of rightness and justice.
As Pastor Creflo Dollar helped to show me, God is hardening me through what I am going through. Because of this, I will eventually no longer be bothered by what people say about me at work. This is God’s work in me.
Acts 18:10 (Amplified Version) –
For I am with you, and no man shall assault you to harm you; for I have many people in this city.
I am blessed to have God’s protection over me. Although He causes things to happen in different ways than what I would often wish for…the joy of knowing Him overcomes all other sorrows in this world. Truly, the joy of the Lord is my strength. Not so much the joy that God gives or grants to me, but the joy that comes from knowing Him. (I think this may be a new revelation for me!)
The Lord, my God, my strength, my song, has now become my victory! Tell me, who can take away this joy from me? Truly, in every thing, in every circumstance, there is a greater victory, in that I know God and that knowing is a joy that does not cease, does not end, does not diminish or fade or go away.
The joy of the Lord is my strength.
Yes, it is.
And, as a friend (Hi Shiray! Thank you!) pointed out part of this to me, I am going to include a good-sized chunk of it here. It applies to me, and I receive it. And, since I have my beloved Amplified Bible out, I shall use it yet again…
Proverbs 2:1-15, and Proverbs 3:3-8, 13-18
My son, if you will receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to skillful and Godly Wisdom, and inclining and directing your heart and mind to understanding – applying all your powers to the quest for it; yes, if you cry out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek Wisdom as silver, and search for skillful and Godly Wisdom as for hid treasures; then you will understand the reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of (our omniscient) God. For the Lord gives skillful and Godly Wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He hides away sound and Godly Wisdom and stores it for the righteous – those who are upright and in right standing with Him; He is a shield to those who walk uprightly and in integrity, that He may guard the paths of justice. Yes, He preserves the way of His saints. Then you will understand righteousness, justice and fair dealing (in every area and relation); yes, you will understand every good path. For skillful and Godly Wisdom shall enter into your heart, and knowledge shall be pleasant to you; discretion shall watch over you, understanding shall keep you; to deliver you from the way of evil and the evil man, from men who speak perverse things and are liars, men who forsake the paths of uprightness to walk in the ways of darkness, who rejoice to do evil and delight in the perverseness of evil, who are crooked in their ways, wayward and devious in their paths.
Let not mercy and kindness (shutting out all hatred and selfishness), and truth (shutting out all deliberate hypocrisy or falsehood) forsake you. Bind them about your neck; write them upon the tablet of your heart; so shall you find favour, good understanding and high esteem in the sight (or judgement) of God and man. Lean on, trust and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind, and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; reverently fear and worship the Lord and turn (entirely) away from evil. It shall be health to your nerves and sinews, and marrow and moistening to your bones.
Happy (blessed, fortunate, enviable) is the man who finds skillful and Godly Wisdom, and the man who gets understanding – drawing it forth from God’s Word and life’s experiences. For the gaining of it is better than the gaining of silver, and the profit of it than fine gold. Skillful and Godly Wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you can wish for is to be compared to her. Length of days is in her right hand, and in her left are riches and honour. Her ways are highways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who lay hold on her, and happy (blessed, fortunate, to be envied) is every one who holds her fast.
I could live a thousand years
Never earn a moment of Your grace
Even in my darkest day
You shine on me
You shine on me
And out of the darkness
You brought me into Your glorious light
Saved from the death I was facing
Rejoicing in the future, a hope that is mine
The greatest of all gifts
From the greatest of all givers
Jesus there upon the cross
True love displayed for all to see
And out of the darkness
You brought me into Your glorious light
Saved from the death I was facing
Rejoicing in the future, a hope that is mine
And your grace runs after me
Runs after me
Everyday of my life
And your mercies they never fail
They never fail
Everyday of my life
And out of the darkness
You brought me into Your glorious light
Saved from the death I was facing
Rejoicing in the future, a hope that is mine
And out of the darkness
You brought me into Your glorious light
Saved from the death I was facing
Rejoicing in the future, a hope that is mine
Blessings. Blessings are a funny thing, aren’t they? I can wait patiently for them. I can expect them. I can receive them when they come. But, after all, I live a life that is extremely blessed; each and every day, I get to experience God. I am blessed, not by what He is doing for me or has done for me or will do for me; no, I am blessed because I get to know God. Not just to know OF Him, but to KNOW Him. What greater blessing is there than that? What brings greater joy to my heart? What brings tears of thanksgiving and wonder to my eyes quicker than this? Truly, I am a blessed man, not because of what I have, not because of what God is doing, but because God allows me to know Him. Thank You, Lord. :)
Isaiah 41:10 (Amplified Version) –
Fear not; (there is nothing to fear) for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you (to difficulties); yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My victorious right hand of rightness and justice.
As Pastor Creflo Dollar helped to show me, God is hardening me through what I am going through. Because of this, I will eventually no longer be bothered by what people say about me at work. This is God’s work in me.
Acts 18:10 (Amplified Version) –
For I am with you, and no man shall assault you to harm you; for I have many people in this city.
I am blessed to have God’s protection over me. Although He causes things to happen in different ways than what I would often wish for…the joy of knowing Him overcomes all other sorrows in this world. Truly, the joy of the Lord is my strength. Not so much the joy that God gives or grants to me, but the joy that comes from knowing Him. (I think this may be a new revelation for me!)
The Lord, my God, my strength, my song, has now become my victory! Tell me, who can take away this joy from me? Truly, in every thing, in every circumstance, there is a greater victory, in that I know God and that knowing is a joy that does not cease, does not end, does not diminish or fade or go away.
The joy of the Lord is my strength.
Yes, it is.
And, as a friend (Hi Shiray! Thank you!) pointed out part of this to me, I am going to include a good-sized chunk of it here. It applies to me, and I receive it. And, since I have my beloved Amplified Bible out, I shall use it yet again…
Proverbs 2:1-15, and Proverbs 3:3-8, 13-18
My son, if you will receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to skillful and Godly Wisdom, and inclining and directing your heart and mind to understanding – applying all your powers to the quest for it; yes, if you cry out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek Wisdom as silver, and search for skillful and Godly Wisdom as for hid treasures; then you will understand the reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of (our omniscient) God. For the Lord gives skillful and Godly Wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He hides away sound and Godly Wisdom and stores it for the righteous – those who are upright and in right standing with Him; He is a shield to those who walk uprightly and in integrity, that He may guard the paths of justice. Yes, He preserves the way of His saints. Then you will understand righteousness, justice and fair dealing (in every area and relation); yes, you will understand every good path. For skillful and Godly Wisdom shall enter into your heart, and knowledge shall be pleasant to you; discretion shall watch over you, understanding shall keep you; to deliver you from the way of evil and the evil man, from men who speak perverse things and are liars, men who forsake the paths of uprightness to walk in the ways of darkness, who rejoice to do evil and delight in the perverseness of evil, who are crooked in their ways, wayward and devious in their paths.
Let not mercy and kindness (shutting out all hatred and selfishness), and truth (shutting out all deliberate hypocrisy or falsehood) forsake you. Bind them about your neck; write them upon the tablet of your heart; so shall you find favour, good understanding and high esteem in the sight (or judgement) of God and man. Lean on, trust and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind, and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; reverently fear and worship the Lord and turn (entirely) away from evil. It shall be health to your nerves and sinews, and marrow and moistening to your bones.
Happy (blessed, fortunate, enviable) is the man who finds skillful and Godly Wisdom, and the man who gets understanding – drawing it forth from God’s Word and life’s experiences. For the gaining of it is better than the gaining of silver, and the profit of it than fine gold. Skillful and Godly Wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you can wish for is to be compared to her. Length of days is in her right hand, and in her left are riches and honour. Her ways are highways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who lay hold on her, and happy (blessed, fortunate, to be envied) is every one who holds her fast.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
treasure
Today is all about finding encouragement. Not in my surroundings, not in my circumstances, but in my God.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Think
I think that expecting someone who is unsaved to treat us in a good manner, is not only blind but it is stupid. And expecting that because somebody HAS treated us well in the past, that they will continue to do so, is just wrong on our parts.
We all wear masks. As humans, our mask is our physicality. We forget that we are spirits, inhabiting a body. We live in a spiritual world that is cloaked in the physical.
And any spirit that is not bound to God and His love, is against Him. And thereby, against us.
They will be used to torment us, to anger us, to try to screw up our lives. Our neighbours will be used, our co-workers will be used, the person next to us in traffic, our politicans, our government, they will all be used by the enemy against us.
They cannot help it. Wthout God, they are putty in the enemy's hands. They have no choice.
The very person who smiles at you on a daily basis, can be the very catalyst that will one day attempt to make you question God or your faith, to try to make you ineffective in your Christian walk.
The world is a tough place to live, when we forget who we are, where we are. Spiritual beings, in the middle of a battlefield. Too often, we forget, until life kicks us in the gut.
Never put your faith in human beings. Put your faith in God, Who cannot be faithless.
And never be surprised by what or who will be used against you by the enemy.
By The Way...
Did anybody else notice that the very next day after blogging about how I am blessed, that my world crashed down around me and the enemy moved in to try to destroy me?
Huh. Coincidence? I think not!
We all wear masks. As humans, our mask is our physicality. We forget that we are spirits, inhabiting a body. We live in a spiritual world that is cloaked in the physical.
And any spirit that is not bound to God and His love, is against Him. And thereby, against us.
They will be used to torment us, to anger us, to try to screw up our lives. Our neighbours will be used, our co-workers will be used, the person next to us in traffic, our politicans, our government, they will all be used by the enemy against us.
They cannot help it. Wthout God, they are putty in the enemy's hands. They have no choice.
The very person who smiles at you on a daily basis, can be the very catalyst that will one day attempt to make you question God or your faith, to try to make you ineffective in your Christian walk.
The world is a tough place to live, when we forget who we are, where we are. Spiritual beings, in the middle of a battlefield. Too often, we forget, until life kicks us in the gut.
Never put your faith in human beings. Put your faith in God, Who cannot be faithless.
And never be surprised by what or who will be used against you by the enemy.
By The Way...
Did anybody else notice that the very next day after blogging about how I am blessed, that my world crashed down around me and the enemy moved in to try to destroy me?
Huh. Coincidence? I think not!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Mitt's words
A Campaign Begins Today [Mitt Romney]
America has just witnessed an unconscionable abuse of power. President Obama has betrayed his oath to the nation — rather than bringing us together, ushering in a new kind of politics, and rising above raw partisanship, he has succumbed to the lowest denominator of incumbent power: justifying the means by extolling the ends. He promised better; we deserved better.
He calls his accomplishment “historic” — in this he is correct, although not for the reason he intends. Rather, it is an historic usurpation of the legislative process — he unleashed the nuclear option, enlisted not a single Republican vote in either chamber, bribed reluctant members of his own party, paid-off his union backers, scapegoated insurers, and justified his act with patently fraudulent accounting. What Barack Obama has ushered into the American political landscape is not good for our country; in the words of an ancient maxim, “what starts twisted, ends twisted.”
His health-care bill is unhealthy for America. It raises taxes, slashes the more private side of Medicare, installs price controls, and puts a new federal bureaucracy in charge of health care. It will create a new entitlement even as the ones we already have are bankrupt. For these reasons and more, the act should be repealed. That campaign begins today.
Mitt Romney is the former Governor of Massachussets.
America has just witnessed an unconscionable abuse of power. President Obama has betrayed his oath to the nation — rather than bringing us together, ushering in a new kind of politics, and rising above raw partisanship, he has succumbed to the lowest denominator of incumbent power: justifying the means by extolling the ends. He promised better; we deserved better.
He calls his accomplishment “historic” — in this he is correct, although not for the reason he intends. Rather, it is an historic usurpation of the legislative process — he unleashed the nuclear option, enlisted not a single Republican vote in either chamber, bribed reluctant members of his own party, paid-off his union backers, scapegoated insurers, and justified his act with patently fraudulent accounting. What Barack Obama has ushered into the American political landscape is not good for our country; in the words of an ancient maxim, “what starts twisted, ends twisted.”
His health-care bill is unhealthy for America. It raises taxes, slashes the more private side of Medicare, installs price controls, and puts a new federal bureaucracy in charge of health care. It will create a new entitlement even as the ones we already have are bankrupt. For these reasons and more, the act should be repealed. That campaign begins today.
Mitt Romney is the former Governor of Massachussets.
???
Why is it that hell pulls out all the stops to try to keep you from doing something as simple as going to church?
Could it be that the devil sees that as long as he can keep you in a place where you are least effective, he makes your life so much less than it could be for God?
Hm. Makes me want to run to God all the more, not the opposite. Drat, guess the devil loses again! lol.
Could it be that the devil sees that as long as he can keep you in a place where you are least effective, he makes your life so much less than it could be for God?
Hm. Makes me want to run to God all the more, not the opposite. Drat, guess the devil loses again! lol.
Friday, March 19, 2010
blessed
I really feel like it is my time to be blessed.
I do not know for sure if I am feeling God tell me that, or if I am just desiring it so badly; it is hard to tell with these things.
Traditionally for me, Spring and Summer are a horrible time. It's hot, it's bright, I do not sleep well, and there is nothing that makes you feel more miserable and lonely than seeing happy couples walking around together.
BUT...
...This is my time. This is my year. This is my season; after years of (bleak and barren) Winter, this is truly my Spring.
I am expecting good things. I am expecting to be blown away by God's goodness and His grace. Not because I deserve it, but because that is the sort of God that I know and love and serve.
Come what may, it is my time to be blessed. I wait expectantly.
Thank You, Lord.
I am not going through this year alone. I was not made to walk alone through this life, so I am not going to. God has somebody for me. I beleive that. I receive that. It's coming.
Good things, blessings, God's goodness. Waiting for my blessings.
I do not know for sure if I am feeling God tell me that, or if I am just desiring it so badly; it is hard to tell with these things.
Traditionally for me, Spring and Summer are a horrible time. It's hot, it's bright, I do not sleep well, and there is nothing that makes you feel more miserable and lonely than seeing happy couples walking around together.
BUT...
...This is my time. This is my year. This is my season; after years of (bleak and barren) Winter, this is truly my Spring.
I am expecting good things. I am expecting to be blown away by God's goodness and His grace. Not because I deserve it, but because that is the sort of God that I know and love and serve.
Come what may, it is my time to be blessed. I wait expectantly.
Thank You, Lord.
I am not going through this year alone. I was not made to walk alone through this life, so I am not going to. God has somebody for me. I beleive that. I receive that. It's coming.
Good things, blessings, God's goodness. Waiting for my blessings.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Today
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Another day I used to love to celebrate.
But, I hate doing stuff alone, so...just another day, now.
Meh.
Bleh.
Bah-humbug.
Another day I used to love to celebrate.
But, I hate doing stuff alone, so...just another day, now.
Meh.
Bleh.
Bah-humbug.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Bi-Zee !
Wow, am I busy lately.
Let's see. I am in the middle of yet another game of Dragon Age:Origins, which I haven't touched in about ten or twelve (definitely not eleven, though) days, but mean to get back to relatively soon. I also just started playing a game called "Sacred" early Tuesday morning (or late Monday night). Really simple type of game, but a lot of fun anyways. Also, I was waiting for Tech Support to get back to me on a game I downloaded about 6 months ago that I am finally ready to play (called "Torchlight"), but I had lost my activation code for it; they got back to me yesterday, so when I have time I plan on starting that up - maybe in a week or two? I watched Zombieland on DVD the other day, as well as just recently having finished watching the Justice League animated series on DVD and the Justice League-Crisis On Two Earths animated movie.
On top of all this, I am currently way behind on my online comic; I took a brief hiatus from it to re-spark my creativity, and hope to get back to writing it tomorrow. Meanwhile, my creative juices started flowing in unusual and unexpected directions, and next thing I knew, I had joined the Deviantart community. So, I have been sharing photos I have taken and photos of myself (and getting some responses to them from other artsy types), and as well I am planning on sharpening my pencils and trying my hand at doing some simple drawings and posting them (which should be a hoot, as my artistic skills do NOT lend themselves to drawing! lol).
All of this, plus reading my Bible daily (and reminding God He promised me a helpmeet - this is my year!), reading some comic books, I just finished reading a novel and am halfway through another larger one, and I have been working on house-cleaning today when I was not watching hockey on TV. And going out to the post office, paying bills, getting my tax stuff together so I can do my taxes...and did a bit of grocery shopping, too!
Oh...my...goodness!
Where do I find time in my day to fit all of this stuff in?
I do not know how I do it right now...I seem to have a rush of energy lately...
Which is weird, because I haven't been sleeping well for a while now. Hm...
Anyways, that is all that is going on in my life, LOL.
Toodles. Gotta read some comics, then go to bed, so I can get up and do some laundry.
Let's see. I am in the middle of yet another game of Dragon Age:Origins, which I haven't touched in about ten or twelve (definitely not eleven, though) days, but mean to get back to relatively soon. I also just started playing a game called "Sacred" early Tuesday morning (or late Monday night). Really simple type of game, but a lot of fun anyways. Also, I was waiting for Tech Support to get back to me on a game I downloaded about 6 months ago that I am finally ready to play (called "Torchlight"), but I had lost my activation code for it; they got back to me yesterday, so when I have time I plan on starting that up - maybe in a week or two? I watched Zombieland on DVD the other day, as well as just recently having finished watching the Justice League animated series on DVD and the Justice League-Crisis On Two Earths animated movie.
On top of all this, I am currently way behind on my online comic; I took a brief hiatus from it to re-spark my creativity, and hope to get back to writing it tomorrow. Meanwhile, my creative juices started flowing in unusual and unexpected directions, and next thing I knew, I had joined the Deviantart community. So, I have been sharing photos I have taken and photos of myself (and getting some responses to them from other artsy types), and as well I am planning on sharpening my pencils and trying my hand at doing some simple drawings and posting them (which should be a hoot, as my artistic skills do NOT lend themselves to drawing! lol).
All of this, plus reading my Bible daily (and reminding God He promised me a helpmeet - this is my year!), reading some comic books, I just finished reading a novel and am halfway through another larger one, and I have been working on house-cleaning today when I was not watching hockey on TV. And going out to the post office, paying bills, getting my tax stuff together so I can do my taxes...and did a bit of grocery shopping, too!
Oh...my...goodness!
Where do I find time in my day to fit all of this stuff in?
I do not know how I do it right now...I seem to have a rush of energy lately...
Which is weird, because I haven't been sleeping well for a while now. Hm...
Anyways, that is all that is going on in my life, LOL.
Toodles. Gotta read some comics, then go to bed, so I can get up and do some laundry.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
deleted
Hey There,
I deleted these two blogs recently, as I have no time to give to them, I am stretched too thin as it is.
http://ward-of-gorion.blogspot.com/
and
http://benevolent-kingdom.blogspot.com/
Also, it is time for me to freely admit that, as much as I love this blog here,
http://canadas-own-the-flight.blogspot.com/
there is no chance that I will ever post anything there again, unless Marvel Comics gets off there butts and starts printing another run of Alpha Flight comics.
That being said, i will still be posting here often, and I will still be posting up my poetry at that other site (with links there from this one). And, i hope to continue my online comic, I have just taken a momentary hiatus from it as I feel a little overwhelmed at this time.
See you on the 'net!
I deleted these two blogs recently, as I have no time to give to them, I am stretched too thin as it is.
http://ward-of-gorion.blogspot.com/
and
http://benevolent-kingdom.blogspot.com/
Also, it is time for me to freely admit that, as much as I love this blog here,
http://canadas-own-the-flight.blogspot.com/
there is no chance that I will ever post anything there again, unless Marvel Comics gets off there butts and starts printing another run of Alpha Flight comics.
That being said, i will still be posting here often, and I will still be posting up my poetry at that other site (with links there from this one). And, i hope to continue my online comic, I have just taken a momentary hiatus from it as I feel a little overwhelmed at this time.
See you on the 'net!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
the last time
For my Lord...
lyrics to Rob Rock's "This Time Is The Last Time"
The answer is staring me right in the face
Been trying so hard but I’ve made my mistakes
I’ve been down this road before
And I’ve always wanted so much more
This time is the last time
I will give my heart away
This time is the last time
I will ever trust again
So hard to believe when you’ve been cut down and torn
I’ve waited so long just to walk through this door
Now my heart is in Your hands
We must realize the sacred plan
This time is the last time
I will give my heart away
This time is the last time
I will ever trust again
This is the last time!
I feel You come closer and my heart lies next to me
I feel You come closer and my soul won’t let me be
This Time – Last Time
This time is the last time
I will give my heart away
This time is the last time
I will ever trust again
This time is the last time
I will give my heart away
This time is the last time
I will ever trust again
lyrics to Rob Rock's "This Time Is The Last Time"
The answer is staring me right in the face
Been trying so hard but I’ve made my mistakes
I’ve been down this road before
And I’ve always wanted so much more
This time is the last time
I will give my heart away
This time is the last time
I will ever trust again
So hard to believe when you’ve been cut down and torn
I’ve waited so long just to walk through this door
Now my heart is in Your hands
We must realize the sacred plan
This time is the last time
I will give my heart away
This time is the last time
I will ever trust again
This is the last time!
I feel You come closer and my heart lies next to me
I feel You come closer and my soul won’t let me be
This Time – Last Time
This time is the last time
I will give my heart away
This time is the last time
I will ever trust again
This time is the last time
I will give my heart away
This time is the last time
I will ever trust again
Monday, March 8, 2010
poem
A poem I wrote, about waiting for the woman of my dreams...
http://leplaunpoetree.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-tarry-until-you.html
http://leplaunpoetree.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-tarry-until-you.html
Sunday, March 7, 2010
story of the year
Thoughts. Running, parading, stampeding thru my mind.
Nobody in human history can better understand what it feels like to be betrayed, than Jesus. He was betrayed by a friend and a confidante, a trusted person inside his most loyal of circles, someone who was supposed to, was expected to understand Who He was and why He was here.
Surely then, God completely understands the pain I felt, and sometimes still feel a shadow of, the pain of my having somebody who believed in me, who briefly believed in us, turn around and walk away, leaving behind desolation.
As painful and shocking as that was, God did not turn away and grimace when it happened; to Him, or to me. He saw it, He took it upon Himself, and He opened His arms wide in love. And at that moment, He saw me and all of my hurts, one of which was my heartache at what has befallen my life. He truly understands, as nobody else can; it happened to Him, too, but on a much larger and grander scale.
Desolation. Described as; devastation, ruin, the state of being abandoned or forsaken, loneliness, wretchedness, misery.
Is there anything more alone, than having connected with somebody on a meaningfully, life-changing level, and then losing them forever?
Yet, by the grace of God, I survive!
God promises to restore to us the locust years, the years that the destroyer takes from us. I believe that this includes the years that I potentially had, with a soul that was bound to mine, yet never got.
Somebody told me recently, that the connection and rapport you have with your first spouse, you never get back. Your future spouses, you never have that with them, and that this is a cruel joke of life.
I disagree. It took me a while, but I now disagree. You see, it happened to me; twice.
The rapport and connection I had with my first wife, was built upon time; time together, in our more formative stages of life, built that relationship to where it was. To where you think alike, you know what the other is thinking. You have some real understanding of your partner. I had that with my first wife. It took time, but we built that between us.
I did not have it with my second wife. But, with Melanie, I discovered something; anything that man can do himself through time, God can do on a spiritual level in a nanosecond. Melanie and I connected, in a deep and extremely meaningful way, almost overnight, to the point where I felt I had a real instantaneous understanding of her, of her faults, of her pains, of her motives, and of her wants. She didn’t have to teach me these things, over time – God just showed them to me.
This CAN happen this way. God is the God of the miraculous. And the God of 2nd chances.
One last thought; I will not settle for a life of being alone and lonely. I do not deserve it, and as a child of God I will not expect it. I will get better than that, because of Who God is. This is my year. My year to find somebody. Miraculously. Wonderfully. A deep connection beyond my wildest imaginings. This is my year.
Nobody in human history can better understand what it feels like to be betrayed, than Jesus. He was betrayed by a friend and a confidante, a trusted person inside his most loyal of circles, someone who was supposed to, was expected to understand Who He was and why He was here.
Surely then, God completely understands the pain I felt, and sometimes still feel a shadow of, the pain of my having somebody who believed in me, who briefly believed in us, turn around and walk away, leaving behind desolation.
As painful and shocking as that was, God did not turn away and grimace when it happened; to Him, or to me. He saw it, He took it upon Himself, and He opened His arms wide in love. And at that moment, He saw me and all of my hurts, one of which was my heartache at what has befallen my life. He truly understands, as nobody else can; it happened to Him, too, but on a much larger and grander scale.
Desolation. Described as; devastation, ruin, the state of being abandoned or forsaken, loneliness, wretchedness, misery.
Is there anything more alone, than having connected with somebody on a meaningfully, life-changing level, and then losing them forever?
Yet, by the grace of God, I survive!
God promises to restore to us the locust years, the years that the destroyer takes from us. I believe that this includes the years that I potentially had, with a soul that was bound to mine, yet never got.
Somebody told me recently, that the connection and rapport you have with your first spouse, you never get back. Your future spouses, you never have that with them, and that this is a cruel joke of life.
I disagree. It took me a while, but I now disagree. You see, it happened to me; twice.
The rapport and connection I had with my first wife, was built upon time; time together, in our more formative stages of life, built that relationship to where it was. To where you think alike, you know what the other is thinking. You have some real understanding of your partner. I had that with my first wife. It took time, but we built that between us.
I did not have it with my second wife. But, with Melanie, I discovered something; anything that man can do himself through time, God can do on a spiritual level in a nanosecond. Melanie and I connected, in a deep and extremely meaningful way, almost overnight, to the point where I felt I had a real instantaneous understanding of her, of her faults, of her pains, of her motives, and of her wants. She didn’t have to teach me these things, over time – God just showed them to me.
This CAN happen this way. God is the God of the miraculous. And the God of 2nd chances.
One last thought; I will not settle for a life of being alone and lonely. I do not deserve it, and as a child of God I will not expect it. I will get better than that, because of Who God is. This is my year. My year to find somebody. Miraculously. Wonderfully. A deep connection beyond my wildest imaginings. This is my year.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
well
Well. As in, better. As in, it is well; with my soul.
Or a bit better, at least.
I am going thru some stuff right now. 'Bout time, i guess. Cannot stuff my emotions and memories forever, and never deal with them. God is softening me up, softening up my heart - that causes pain. But that's okay. If God is bringing things to the surface, there is a reason, so I will trust Him to see me thru.
Below are some beautiful lyrics, from Rob Rock's song "Calling Angels";
I need to know if someone or something is there
Watching every move that I make
There’s got to be a reason for the cross that I bear
If I open my eyes will I wake?
Shattered emotions and seasons of change
Riding the wind bringing troubles again
Living on the edge I have made my mistakes
But that was yesterday
Calling Angels, come watch over me
Catch me from falling I want to believe
Calling Angels, spread your wings over me,
Cover my heart, from pains’ memory
I don’t know where I’m going but I sure know where I’ve been
I’m feeling the walls closing in
I’ve got to break these chains that are holding me down
The healing inside must begin
Turning the corner and starting again
Rise from the ashes, take hold of the flame
I must have faith there’s an answer above
To make it through the night
Calling Angels, come watch over me
Catch me from falling I want to believe
Calling Angels, spread your wings over me,
Cover my heart, from pains’ memory
Calling Angels, come watch over me
Catch me from falling I want to believe
Calling Angels, spread your wings over me,
Cover my heart, from pains’ memory
Calling Angels
Cover my heart, spread your wings over me
I want to believe, I want to believe
Calling Angels
Or a bit better, at least.
I am going thru some stuff right now. 'Bout time, i guess. Cannot stuff my emotions and memories forever, and never deal with them. God is softening me up, softening up my heart - that causes pain. But that's okay. If God is bringing things to the surface, there is a reason, so I will trust Him to see me thru.
Below are some beautiful lyrics, from Rob Rock's song "Calling Angels";
I need to know if someone or something is there
Watching every move that I make
There’s got to be a reason for the cross that I bear
If I open my eyes will I wake?
Shattered emotions and seasons of change
Riding the wind bringing troubles again
Living on the edge I have made my mistakes
But that was yesterday
Calling Angels, come watch over me
Catch me from falling I want to believe
Calling Angels, spread your wings over me,
Cover my heart, from pains’ memory
I don’t know where I’m going but I sure know where I’ve been
I’m feeling the walls closing in
I’ve got to break these chains that are holding me down
The healing inside must begin
Turning the corner and starting again
Rise from the ashes, take hold of the flame
I must have faith there’s an answer above
To make it through the night
Calling Angels, come watch over me
Catch me from falling I want to believe
Calling Angels, spread your wings over me,
Cover my heart, from pains’ memory
Calling Angels, come watch over me
Catch me from falling I want to believe
Calling Angels, spread your wings over me,
Cover my heart, from pains’ memory
Calling Angels
Cover my heart, spread your wings over me
I want to believe, I want to believe
Calling Angels
Friday, March 5, 2010
broke
I don't know what is wrong with me. But I think I should go and kneel down and have a talk with God.
I truly do not think that anybody is meant to feel this battered and beaten, this broken, this unwhole, for this length of time. It isn't healthy, and surely it isn't right.
Something is wrong, because I am still broken...
Lyrics to Broken by Seether featuring Amy Lee
(Verse 1)
I wanted you to know
That I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain …away
I keep your photograph
And I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
(Chorus 1)
‘cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
(Bridge)
You've gone away
You don't feel me here....anymore
(Verse 2)
The worst is over now
And we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain…away
There's so much left to learn
And no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
(Chorus 2)
‘cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
(Chorus 2)
‘cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
(Chorus 1)
‘cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone … away
(Bridge)
You're gone away
You don't feel me here....anymore
I truly do not think that anybody is meant to feel this battered and beaten, this broken, this unwhole, for this length of time. It isn't healthy, and surely it isn't right.
Something is wrong, because I am still broken...
Lyrics to Broken by Seether featuring Amy Lee
(Verse 1)
I wanted you to know
That I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain …away
I keep your photograph
And I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
(Chorus 1)
‘cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
(Bridge)
You've gone away
You don't feel me here....anymore
(Verse 2)
The worst is over now
And we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain…away
There's so much left to learn
And no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
(Chorus 2)
‘cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
(Chorus 2)
‘cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
(Chorus 1)
‘cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone … away
(Bridge)
You're gone away
You don't feel me here....anymore
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Ouch
So, I just got back from taking a drive to Zellers. I went a slightly different way than I normally would; not a big deal, just several blocks over, came at it from a different angle is all.
Wouldn’t you know it; I saw her.
Or, rather, to be more exact, I saw her car, and I believe she was driving but cannot be certain. I am…unsure…as to whether or not I really wanted to know…
I hate that she still brings up feelings in me. Or, possibly, I love that she does, because it tells me my feelings were real. I am conflicted, and confused; and somehow I doubt I ever will NOT be.
I hate that seeing her, or thinking I see her, brings up feelings of anger and pain in me still. I hate it, because I think I do not hate her, yet I react like I do hate her when she is potentially near me. I wish her well, when I think of her, but realistically I know that she will never want to see me, so there can be nothing there. On a mental level, I am okay with that. Emotionally…I think I am still more numb, more in a spiritual state of shock, than “okay”.
This reminds me of when, a few weeks ago while cleaning up my closet, I found the birthday gift I had wrapped up for her, the one she had refused to accept. I kept that thing in my closet for over a year and a half. When I found it, I cried, then I threw it away. It hurt too much to remember that. I still remember her birthday. I still remember how she takes her coffee. I still remember her fears. I still remember the few times I saw tears in her eyes. I still remember sharing God’s love with her, and how when I shared that everything in life felt completely right for the first time ever in my life. And, I still remember what it felt like to lose that; I still feel it, when I let myself.
It is funny, the things that you remember and hold onto. Funny, and sad. I still have a framed picture of her, sitting on my living room floor underneath some papers. I know where it is. It is face-down, so I do not have to look at it. Maybe I should not have it. Maybe I should. What is the right answer? I do not know; but I cannot get rid of it. The emptiness of the whole situation defeats me, still; I seriously thought I would never lose with this one. I’m not sure how to deal with the fact that I DID lose her. I cannot make it make any sense.
More than anything, this whole situation just makes me want to weep. Not so much self-pity tears, although some of them would be from that I am sure. I have just never experienced feeling God’s love for an unsaved person before, and then having to face that they have rejected Him, and you too. I…you have nowhere to go with that feeling. There is no bright light that you can turn on, no spotlight that beams down and helps you find a silver lining; there’s nothing. Just black, empty, nothingness. Void. Death. Eternal aloneness. Unspeakable pain. And, it is going to happen to somebody you care deeply for, and have no more influence with. There…is no way to soothe that pain away, is there? You live with it, you deal with it, but you cannot ever make it go away; it just IS.
I don’t blame her. I do miss her. But I cannot be around her.
Life is funny that way. Funny, in a permanently painful sort of way.
Like, who would have thought that I would be more broken up from Melanie, than I would be over my marriage? Just shows where the real connection was...
Just doesn't make any sense. All this time later, there still is no sense to it...
Wouldn’t you know it; I saw her.
Or, rather, to be more exact, I saw her car, and I believe she was driving but cannot be certain. I am…unsure…as to whether or not I really wanted to know…
I hate that she still brings up feelings in me. Or, possibly, I love that she does, because it tells me my feelings were real. I am conflicted, and confused; and somehow I doubt I ever will NOT be.
I hate that seeing her, or thinking I see her, brings up feelings of anger and pain in me still. I hate it, because I think I do not hate her, yet I react like I do hate her when she is potentially near me. I wish her well, when I think of her, but realistically I know that she will never want to see me, so there can be nothing there. On a mental level, I am okay with that. Emotionally…I think I am still more numb, more in a spiritual state of shock, than “okay”.
This reminds me of when, a few weeks ago while cleaning up my closet, I found the birthday gift I had wrapped up for her, the one she had refused to accept. I kept that thing in my closet for over a year and a half. When I found it, I cried, then I threw it away. It hurt too much to remember that. I still remember her birthday. I still remember how she takes her coffee. I still remember her fears. I still remember the few times I saw tears in her eyes. I still remember sharing God’s love with her, and how when I shared that everything in life felt completely right for the first time ever in my life. And, I still remember what it felt like to lose that; I still feel it, when I let myself.
It is funny, the things that you remember and hold onto. Funny, and sad. I still have a framed picture of her, sitting on my living room floor underneath some papers. I know where it is. It is face-down, so I do not have to look at it. Maybe I should not have it. Maybe I should. What is the right answer? I do not know; but I cannot get rid of it. The emptiness of the whole situation defeats me, still; I seriously thought I would never lose with this one. I’m not sure how to deal with the fact that I DID lose her. I cannot make it make any sense.
More than anything, this whole situation just makes me want to weep. Not so much self-pity tears, although some of them would be from that I am sure. I have just never experienced feeling God’s love for an unsaved person before, and then having to face that they have rejected Him, and you too. I…you have nowhere to go with that feeling. There is no bright light that you can turn on, no spotlight that beams down and helps you find a silver lining; there’s nothing. Just black, empty, nothingness. Void. Death. Eternal aloneness. Unspeakable pain. And, it is going to happen to somebody you care deeply for, and have no more influence with. There…is no way to soothe that pain away, is there? You live with it, you deal with it, but you cannot ever make it go away; it just IS.
I don’t blame her. I do miss her. But I cannot be around her.
Life is funny that way. Funny, in a permanently painful sort of way.
Like, who would have thought that I would be more broken up from Melanie, than I would be over my marriage? Just shows where the real connection was...
Just doesn't make any sense. All this time later, there still is no sense to it...
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