Friday, November 12, 2010

hello! - all about Storm of Zehir

It's been a long time since I blogged. Just been doing lots of working, gaming, and writing.

Haven't blogged about "Baldur's Gate" in a long time. Reason being, haven't played it in a long time. Got sidetracked, in a good way. Played "Neverwinter Nights 1" right through. Am now playing "Neverwinter Nights 2", and am thoroughly enjoying it, playing as a female half-elf (half human, half drow) named Tarnalia Lucklass. Tarnalia is a Swashbuckler, so she relies mainly on dexterity and uses two (magical) rapiers as weapons. Its pretty cool, how she twists and turns in the air while she slices and dices! Lots of fun.

At the same time, idecided to give "Neverwinter Nights 2:Storm of Zehir" a whirl as wel,, never having played it before. Although slightly slower paced, I am totally enjoying being able to create and control a party of four, much like in Icewind Dale (but much much better).

Below is my party...

1. Harjuana Djimnut



(Click to see it bigger)

Harjuana is a female, human, black, a Ranger/Rogue(Thief). As a Ranger, she is working towards becoming a Stalker, an expert at moving stealthily.

Her alignment is Neutral Good, her deity is Shiallia, and her background is Veteran.

Strength = 12
Dexterity = 15
Constitution = 14
Intelligence = 14
Wisdom = 14
Charisma = 10

She is a two-weapon fighter. For a distance weapon, she uses a magical crossbow.



2. Szimon Norhausen



(Click to see it bigger)

Szimon is a male Gray Orc, one of those orcs who lives deep inside the mountains and are not often seen by others. He is a Cleric, working at becoming a Warpriest. As a Grey Orc Cleric, Szimon is quiet, but very passionate about his calling and can run off into battle in a rage at times if he thinks that his deity demands it of him.

His alignment is Chaotic Good, his deity is Selune, and his background is Devout.

Strength = 14
Dexterity = 11
Constitution = 15
Intelligence = 11
Wisdom = 14
Charimsa = 13

His weapon of choice is a Greataxe (he hopes to be able to afford to purchase a magical one very soon).



3. Darqhamer Deepbledder



(Click to see it bigger)

Darqhamer is a male gnome, specifically a Deep Gnome. Deep Gnomes, as their name implies, live deep in the earth and are not normally seen on the surface. He is a Warlock, a natural magic-caster with no need to memorize spells; he casts them through pure willpower. Deep Gnomes do not usually speak much, but Darqhamer is an exception to this rule.

His alignment is Lawful Evil, his deity is Loviatar, and his background is Tale-Teller.

Strength = 6
Dexterity = 16
Constitution = 14
Intelligence = 12
Wisdom = 10
Charisma = 14

When battle presses around him and he is forced to do hand-to-hand combat, Darqhamer uses a +1 Warmace. Luckily, his extremely short stature makes him a hard target to hit!



4. Naytashe Oaktaller



(Click to see it bigger)

Naytashe is a female Wood Elf, a Fighter by trade who is working at becoming a Weaponsmaster in the use of the Longsword.

Wood Elves usually are not seen in public, but hide deep in the forests they call home; they have golden or copper coloured skin.

Her alignment is Lawful Neutral, her deity is Red Knight, and her background is Militia.

Strength = 15
Dexterity = 15
Constitution = 16
Intelligence = 12
Wisdom = 8
Charisma = 8

Naytasha fights with a Longsword and shield (and hopes to get a magical Longsword as soon as she can).



Drawn together after the fall of the King of Shadows, these four unlikely adventurers became known as Harjuana's Four, whose motto became "Pirate Booty Call!" as they tended to stay near the coastlines in the adventuring.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Otta B. Committed

I’ve committed myself.


I am currently committed to “the process”. Healing. Hurting. They are all part of the same thing, aren’t they? In order to heal, you must be willing to hurt.


I have recently committed myself to allowing God to do whatever He wants to do in me. And I am recognizing that He wants to heal my heart, the area where I am most hurt, and most vulnerable. To do so, He must dig up the things I have buried.


That hurts, and the natural thing to do is to bury what hurts and ignore it until it seems to go away...but it never does, and you never get rid of the stench that way.


So, I am being brutally honest with myself lately. Praying that God uses that to bring me to the place inside that He wants me to be at. Allowing God to have the driver’s seat, relinquishing control to Him.


For instance, realizing that I feel ‘invisible’ right now. Almost a sense that the last twenty years of my life have not even really existed. I’m like a mist, a vapour, not really affecting anything around me. At least, that is how I feel.


Also, feeling bitterness and pain and sorrow in regards to Melanie. It’s kind of hard to explain...


...I guess it would best be said this way; After Rachelle and I split up, Melanie showed up, and she offered me alternatives. While I was still married, with hope out there that things could turn around for Rachelle and I, instead I listened to the advice of another woman. She encouraged me to give up on Rachelle and go it alone, and strongly hinted that she might be willing to be the love in my life. She told me that she would be there for me. She told me that her marriage was crap, too, and that she would be leaving her husband. When push came to shove, that was all a lie, and she betrayed me.


It isn’t so much that I blame Melanie. She is just another scared and hurting human being, with a sinful nature that cannot do good. It isn’t so much her fault, as it is my own. But I do feel betrayed by her. I trusted her with all my heart, and she let me down in the very worst possible way. Is it any wonder that, years later, I am still dealing with that pain and disappointment?


It is all part of “the process”. Healing, hurting, they are interchangeable. You can’t have healing, without a ripping apart of the emotions so that Doctor God can knit things back together in a proper manner.


And it hurts.


You have to be willing to hurt. Daily willing.


It’s not easy. It’s not nice.


But the alternative, to stay broken, is not a good thing.


Whatever it takes. Whatever God wants. I just want to be willing.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Lonely is a state (of punishment)

I am alone.

I feel alone.

I hurt alone.

I am consumed by my aloneness.

Those of you who are not alone, have no real clue what it means, how it feels, the torment, the agony. The hopelessness. The inability to overcome.


I wrote this poem -

Dead Grass (In Judgement Of Self)

The grass is not greener
The silence is not sweeter
You make your bed and you lay in it
(bedsores and bedbugs and all).
Time is not more precious
Friends are not dearer
Your path is not clearer
When you turn out the light.
Dreams are not more pleasant
That cold can of beans you eat is not pheasant
Everything is washed down with a helping of crow
And the feathers stick to the tar on your skin
Like sin.
The reward you seek is not closer
The dreams you keep are not more achievable
In the silence you weep at your lonely, empty table
And nothing you wanted is here.
Nothing you’ve wanted is here
All that comforts you is your own fear
Of the dark, of the lonesomeness
And of your own self.
The victories you see are failures disguised
The grass that you see is not greener at all
Divorce is a candy that chokes you like cyanide
And the freedom you seek takes you for the longest of falls.



October 31st, 2010




I wish, some days, most days, that I had never listened to my own self. I lied to me.

I wish, some days, most days, that i had never listened to the voice sof others, those who promised much, who promised joy, who promised to stand by me, then left me laughing alone.

Betrayed by self, betrayed by others - suffering alone.


The worst possible marriage, to the worst possible person, would be a thousand times better than being alone.



Some lyrics that express me to me lately...






"Alone" by James Labrie

Don't want to lie to you
Don't want to cause you pain
But it's all I ever do
And it's driving me insane

So how much deeper will I sink
So how much further will I dare to go
I've gone so far that I can't think
Can't take it all away
But I want you to know

I never meant to hurt you
What did I turn into
And now... I just have this feeling
Sorry's lost its meaning
And I feel alone...

It's not the same tonight
And will never be again
I was wrong and you were right
Now I have this mess I'm in

I can't continue on my own
The guilt I carry now is much to bare
For Heaven's sake answer your phone
Can't take the past away
But honestly I swear...

I never meant to hurt you
What did I turn into
And now... I just have this feeling
Sorry's lost its meaning
And I feel alone

Now...
I never meant to hurt you
What did I turn into
And now... I just have this feeling
Sorry's lost its meaning
And now...
I never meant to hurt you
What did I turn into
And now... I just have this feeling
Sorry's lost its meaning
And I feel alone




"Invisible" by James Labrie

Look in the mirror
Does it look familiar
Cannot put my finger
Why he kinda looks like me

Used to like hooking up with you
After waking first thing I'd do
One sided sensation
Watching me watching you

Now I'm stuck how I feel
I don't know if it's real
I'm trying to find someone
Who's invisible

Now I'm stuck in the middle
My life is the riddle
Trying to find someone
Who's invisible

No way
I cannot lie
I haven't felt right
And I don't know why
Drowning
No coming up for air
And part of me
Just wants to be left there

Living a constant lie
How much longer
I'd rather die
So bitter
Tongue twisted
Has me paralyzed

They claim they know me
Who I'm supposed to be
A quick fix sure remedy
Another needly plunges deep

Now I'm stuck how I feel
I don't know if it's real
I'm trying to find someone
Who's invisible

Now I'm stuck in the middle
My life is the riddle
Trying to find someone
Who's invisible

No way
I cannot lie
I haven't felt right
And I don't know why
Drowning
No coming up for air
And part of me
Just wants to be left right there

No way
I cannot lie
I haven't felt right
And I don't care why
Drowning
No coming up for air
And part of me
Wants to be left right there

No way
No way
No way
No way out
No way
No way
No way
No way out



There is nothing I hate so much, as being alone.