makin' it, by fakin' it

I've been reading 2 books by author Gene Wolf; The Knight and its sequel called The Wizard. They are interesting books. One thing I picked up from them, is that a knight is not made a knight by being knighted; a knight makes himself, as a man is recognized to be a knight when his very actions and attitudes show him to be a knight already.

Isn't that just like real life? I think that life is all about acting like you aren't; you act in a certain manner, you do and say things despite how you actually feel inside, and you trust (hope? Plead?)That you will eventually become what you are not right now.

That fits me, like a glove (insert crazy Jim Carey face and voice here - ha ha).

I am 39 years old. Funny, I do not feel much like a man. I worry that I do not think like a man, that I do not feel like an adult, and I wonder if there is something wrong with me. So I have had to learn to force myself to try to act like I know what is going on, like I am in control of my own destiny. At times, I fake it passably; at other times, I fail miserably. But beyond it all, when the sun goes down and the crickets chirping are the only sound that I hear, I am left alone with the frightening thought that I am just a nobody pretending to be a somebody; just a little boy curled up in the corner, one who fears he will never grow up and be truly brave.

True bravery is not the absence of fear. True bravery is having a lot of fear, and still managing to put one foot in front of the terrified other, every freakin' day.

And that is what life is about. Fakin' it, and hoping that one day you will become what you aren't right now.

Is it any wonder Christ said we must have a child-like faith? Are we not all children, pretending to be adults, all of scared and dealing with that fear in our own ways? Children have faith that they will grow up one day. Adults realize that we never grow up at all, not on this earth anyways.

That is why my Jeus is so sweet to me. This faker needs Him more than air. He is my everuything. Older I get, more inadequate I see I am - and that He is all that I need.

not

Hey all,

Not doing too much. Took an extra day off this week due to an ear infection that was freakin' me out, so have had 4 days off (Friday being day four). Today I watched game seven of the NBA Finals, where the Lakers beat Boston in a snooze-inducing game that reminded me why I haven't seen a game since Shaq left the Lakers. If that was the best the NBA has to offer - ”shudder” - only the outcome of this game was interesting. I like the Lakers (and hate the Celtics), been that way since the '80s, so was good to see the Lakers beat them. But I hate Kobe Bryant, so it was even better to see him suck bigtime in that game!

So, I gots an ear onfection and am on drugs. I am currently completely deaf in one ear, and it may take three weeks for that to fix itself. Sux.

Not much else to say. Hot, sweaty, and bored. And lonely. Blah. Wish I could own a cat or something.

Ciao.

High Time

My time.

My time of being alone is fast drawing to an end. Aloneness is a curable condition in God's eyes, not a life sentence.

I can feel it. Can you? It's in the wind, it's whispered in every raindrop and shouted in every blooming flower. "You are not alone."

I am too beloved by my 0god for Him to let me sit on the sidelines forever. I sense my miracle coming...