I am alone.
I feel alone.
I hurt alone.
I am consumed by my aloneness.
Those of you who are not alone, have no real clue what it means, how it feels, the torment, the agony. The hopelessness. The inability to overcome.
I wrote this poem -
Dead Grass (In Judgement Of Self)
The grass is not greener
The silence is not sweeter
You make your bed and you lay in it
(bedsores and bedbugs and all).
Time is not more precious
Friends are not dearer
Your path is not clearer
When you turn out the light.
Dreams are not more pleasant
That cold can of beans you eat is not pheasant
Everything is washed down with a helping of crow
And the feathers stick to the tar on your skin
Like sin.
The reward you seek is not closer
The dreams you keep are not more achievable
In the silence you weep at your lonely, empty table
And nothing you wanted is here.
Nothing you’ve wanted is here
All that comforts you is your own fear
Of the dark, of the lonesomeness
And of your own self.
The victories you see are failures disguised
The grass that you see is not greener at all
Divorce is a candy that chokes you like cyanide
And the freedom you seek takes you for the longest of falls.
October 31st, 2010
I wish, some days, most days, that I had never listened to my own self. I lied to me.
I wish, some days, most days, that i had never listened to the voice sof others, those who promised much, who promised joy, who promised to stand by me, then left me laughing alone.
Betrayed by self, betrayed by others - suffering alone.
The worst possible marriage, to the worst possible person, would be a thousand times better than being alone.
Some lyrics that express me to me lately...
"Alone" by James Labrie
Don't want to lie to you
Don't want to cause you pain
But it's all I ever do
And it's driving me insane
So how much deeper will I sink
So how much further will I dare to go
I've gone so far that I can't think
Can't take it all away
But I want you to know
I never meant to hurt you
What did I turn into
And now... I just have this feeling
Sorry's lost its meaning
And I feel alone...
It's not the same tonight
And will never be again
I was wrong and you were right
Now I have this mess I'm in
I can't continue on my own
The guilt I carry now is much to bare
For Heaven's sake answer your phone
Can't take the past away
But honestly I swear...
I never meant to hurt you
What did I turn into
And now... I just have this feeling
Sorry's lost its meaning
And I feel alone
Now...
I never meant to hurt you
What did I turn into
And now... I just have this feeling
Sorry's lost its meaning
And now...
I never meant to hurt you
What did I turn into
And now... I just have this feeling
Sorry's lost its meaning
And I feel alone
"Invisible" by James Labrie
Look in the mirror
Does it look familiar
Cannot put my finger
Why he kinda looks like me
Used to like hooking up with you
After waking first thing I'd do
One sided sensation
Watching me watching you
Now I'm stuck how I feel
I don't know if it's real
I'm trying to find someone
Who's invisible
Now I'm stuck in the middle
My life is the riddle
Trying to find someone
Who's invisible
No way
I cannot lie
I haven't felt right
And I don't know why
Drowning
No coming up for air
And part of me
Just wants to be left there
Living a constant lie
How much longer
I'd rather die
So bitter
Tongue twisted
Has me paralyzed
They claim they know me
Who I'm supposed to be
A quick fix sure remedy
Another needly plunges deep
Now I'm stuck how I feel
I don't know if it's real
I'm trying to find someone
Who's invisible
Now I'm stuck in the middle
My life is the riddle
Trying to find someone
Who's invisible
No way
I cannot lie
I haven't felt right
And I don't know why
Drowning
No coming up for air
And part of me
Just wants to be left right there
No way
I cannot lie
I haven't felt right
And I don't care why
Drowning
No coming up for air
And part of me
Wants to be left right there
No way
No way
No way
No way out
No way
No way
No way
No way out
There is nothing I hate so much, as being alone.
Monday, November 1, 2010
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