Holding On

Holding On


“I’m holding on, To the One from above
The One Who’s secure, The One that has cured
My broken heart with perfect love.”
- Stryper, Holding On




Divorce is hard on a person. It changes you, and rips you apart, no matter what you tell yourself to self-soothe. It is a dull ache, a sense of un-right-ness.

Actually, ANY bad choice in life does something similar. It is the wages of sin; we may not suffer, as Christians, the ‘death’ part of the wages, but we still suffer the consequences.

As a Christian, I’d love to say that my divorces aren’t sin. But, were I to do so, I’d be lying. That isn’t to say that they are unforgiveable, or even that God doesn’t understand the decisions behind them. I believe He feels the pain that many of us felt in previous married relationships, just as much as I believe He feels the pain of divorce. God sees; God knows.


So, some things that have come to my mind a few days ago have popped up again. So, I thought I would share them here. Let me start by saying that I do not have all the answers, or maybe not even ANY answers. I have questions, I have musings, I have thoughts. Many of them intrigue me. I am not trying to speak here for God, only ask questions that I pray one day I will get satisfactory answers to.

So, here is what I have been thinking about lately...

Not long before I met Rachelle, I prayed that God would send me a good woman to help me through my divorce with Shiray. Somebody to walk me through things, encourage me, give me hope. And I added to that prayer, that perhaps she would even be the person God wanted me to be with for the rest of my life.

A mere few weeks later, my parents told me that God had told them to tell me that He had heard my prayer, and that He WOULD answer it.

And, probably less than a month after that, I got the opportunity to meet Rachelle. I liked her; she fascinated me. Within a week, we were dating.

About two weeks into our dating, Rachelle decided that we should not date anymore. I don’t know why, but feel that probably some of this was due to family pressures – I didn’t fit in with their idea of what a son-in-law should look like, and that scared them?

Anyways, the reasons are far less important than what happened next. See, the very next day I called Rachelle in the afternoon, and we talked on the phone for a long time; it was obvious that we both missed each other a lot already. I told Rachelle that I was going to come over and visit her; she wasn’t very resistant to that, which makes me believe that she really did like/love me.

So, I hopped in my car to go and visit her...only to discover my car would not start! No previous problems of any sort with it, none at all. I phoned her back and told her, she said that maybe we should just forget it, then. I told her I would walk down and see her. She was amazed at that, and thought I was joking, but I was not, and so I walked down to see her, and we got back together that night.

Here is the thing...I wonder now, if that was God trying to keep me from going to see her. I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, but...

What if I had not gone to see her? What if my car problems (which went away mysteriously the next day, by the way) were a bit of ‘divine intervention’, to encourage me to NOT date Rachelle anymore?

I am not saying that God didn’t want me to marry Rachelle. I don’t know that. I am merely putting that thought out there. It is possible, is it not? That God had other ideas? Again, not suggesting that God did not honour our marriage, or that God did not bless us (cuz He did). Just throwing out the thought.

Does it matter? No, not in the fact that I can go back and change anything (or even knowing it, if I could change it, that I SHOULD do so); but, it is important to mull these thoughts over when they come up, even if you have no answers. I believe it is all part of the process; the process of healing, the process of letting go, the process of divorce - The Process.

The never-ending process that is life.

Who knows what the answers are? Not me! God does. That is all the answer that I need; Jesus.


Nevertheless, it doesn't make me stop wondering, or surmising, or going over the past and trying to make a little more sense of life.