And On The Third Day...

June 17th 2009, 1:20am


It’s not about work.

It’s about me.

I am not angry at with work. I am not angry at anyone in particular at work. Nor do I hate my work.

It’s me. It’s the way I think, the way I feel, the way my life is. These are the things that make me not happy. If it feels like work is the problem, that is probably because the only thing that I DO in my life is work!

Last year, I gave my heart. I gave it like I never gave it before. In the end, tragically, I was rejected. I was deemed “not good enough.” That cuts and stings. How could it not?

I desperately miss “something”. Not “her”, because she wasn’t the right one for me in the end. I miss the giving of my heart. I miss the bare-bones honesty. I miss that belief in another person. I miss the potential for happiness and love. I miss the sense of destiny. I miss the extreme confidence that I had.

Mostly, I am crushed, because we “clicked” so incredibly well (like two parts of a seatbelt snapping together). She was, in many (but obviously not all) ways, my soul-mate. Yet, I am lone, without her. The thought I may never have that again, terrifies me. That I may never again “click” with a woman like that. Also, the fear that my destiny passed me by, in spite of my best try to hold onto it and to chase after it. I also fear being that open and honest and involved with somebody’s heart and soul again, because to have that and then lose it is devastating.

So, I have isolated myself. I have NOBODY in my life. I have made my life this way. It has been by choice, both consciously and sub-consciously. Yet, I feel so terribly alone. And so very tired of being alone.

Here is the dilemma that I face now; in the first 37 and a half years of my life, I found only one person who has ever appeared to understand me, support me, appreciate me, and feel that sense of destiny when they look at me. Just…one…person. For a couple of short months, this person was close to me, she was in my life and in my heart and in my soul. Then, suddenly, she rejected me, lied to me, used me. She seemed to do everything she could to derail the path she was on with me. She fought that sense of destiny tooth and nail.

It’s been ten months since she began to use me and abuse me, remaking me (in her mind) from her saviour to her ‘stalker.’ That was her choice, and I now respect her right to make it, so I don’t hate her for it; I just can no longer trust her. It has been eight months since I last saw her. It has been eight months since I was on the verge of an extreme mental and emotional breakdown. It has been five and a half months since I last spoke to her (via email). (I could list how long it has been since some of the good moments we had between us, but I do not want to remember them, it is too painful to do so.).

Back to my dilemma. If I only found all of that in ONE PERSON in (now) 38 and a half years of life, I very strongly fear that I will never have that happen again…

So, I isolate myself. I live my life completely alone. If anyone thinks that I do not WANT someone in my life who likes me, someone who appreciates me, someone who likes to spend time with me, someone who has concern for me, someone to laugh with me and someone to hold me tight when I cry, if anybody thinks that then they have missed the point. There are several fears here I struggle with. First, that nobody will WANT to know me like that. Second, that if somebody does become a person like that to me, that they’ll still never come close to the short (but intense) friendship I had with “her”, and I wills till always feel that sense of lack. And third, I am scared to be that open and honest again, because although I saw the benefits of it, I also still feel the pain that putting yourself (your mind, heart, soul) out there like that can cause when the other person rejects you.

I am stressed. No, I am far beyond stress; I feel like I am on the verge of another breakdown. I live my life alone, I have for a long time now. The only human companionship I get is at work. To show up for my shift at work, and to be told that I am working ALONE again at the old work site, is far beyond cruel; it is damaging to my mental health. To be locked in this room all alone again for another 8 hour shift…the third such shift this week…after already telling my boss that I could NOT work another one of these shifts, and why…I have run the gamut of emotions tonight in my first two hours here. Here, alone with my only companion being her ghost…too much for me to take! I have already considered – screaming, throwing things, crying (okay, actually I already did this one), getting drunk after work, going to the doctor and going on medication of some sort, quitting my job, going on immediate holidays, or going on stress leave.

I need a shoulder to cry on. Don’t have one. I need somebody to truly believe in me. Don’t have nobody like that. I need somebody to talk to me and to listen to me. Nope, nobody. I need somebody who will do stuff with me, get me out of my small apartment when I am not working. Again, that person doesn’t exist for me. I want to get angry, but quite honestly I am not a person who hold son to anger, and besides there is nobody to be angry with!

I need a new life. Right now, I am not liking the one I have been leading. I need some companionship, some laughter, some joy, some action and excitement, and yes maybe even some love. But not with just anybody. I’ve tried “just anybody” before, and it doesn’t work for me. It has to be “the right person.” I am tired of wasting my heart and my life on “just anybody”; just because they are available and willing does not mean ANYTHING in the grand scheme of life. I don’t want “somebody”. In my life, that is al I have ever freakin’ had; “somebody.” Let me tell you, having “somebody” is way friggin’ over-rated. I don’t want to, I will not, go that road EVER AGAIN! Nope, from now on, I am waiting for and expecting “the right one” to come into my life. I’ve taken my lumps in life and paid my dues. In the last year, I have gone through more emotional pain than I thought I could ever survive, and yet I do not regret it. I’ll live with the painful scars, because I choose to understand that this has set me up for something better in my life, “the right one.” She is out there somewhere, and she is amazing, and we will fit together like nothing I have ever experienced before. And that’ll be it for me, she will be “it” for life. Cuz I’m a romantic, and I believe in both love and destiny. So this dream of mine isn’t an “if”, it is a “when.”

But in the meantime, I am still feeling alone. Makes sense, because I AM alone. It is time to change my life, to blow up the walls and gain some glorious freedom. As I sit here, fighting the emotions, the only question I have to ask is, “How”? I need to bust out, so I can find that blessing that is coming my way.

If there is anyone crazy enough to be still reading this, I bet by now I sound quite sad and desperate. But really, I honestly do not feel that way. Oh, I feel alone, and have felt that way for quite some time. I am well aware that it takes a deep and loving person to be able to understand me and get close to me. I am a deep well, and a quiet and guarded person. But I know that my experiences in loving “her” were a good thing, because they taught me that I am capable to loving passionately and whole-heartedly. I can be a very tender, compassionate, and giving person. Loving her taught me that. I gave lots with her, and got little in return (and too much of it ended up being lies and abuse and deception in the end). So I know I am able to love a woman, to lover her in the way she needs to be loved. I am not a hopeless case! LOL. Seriously, I am not sad and desperate. What I am, is I am anxious to find that right person, so I can pour all my love into her life. I WANT TO HAVE A LIFE’S GOAL OF MAKING ONE WOMAN FEEL LIKE SHE IS THE LUCKIEST WOMAN ALIVE TO GET TO BE WITH ME. I am serious. In my life, right now, I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough. Ha! A breakthrough, not a breakdown – that’s funny, isn’t it? Yeah, I am on the edge of a grand adventure in my life, one that will make all of my life’s experiences worthwhile. I don’t know where I am going, but I know I am going there hard and fast. I am going to make a name for myself as a wall-breaker, refusing to let anyone (or myself) fence me in. I am going to enjoy the 2nd half of my life, unlike my first half, and lucky is the woman who gets to ride shotgun with me!

My third day here at this place. Just me, and the dead. After three days, only one of us is going to rise…

At this point, I would like to thank my parents. Mom and Dad, where would I be without you? (Obviously, NO-where!). Nobody would have blames the two of you for giving up on me a long time ago. I haven’t lived an easy or a happy life, and I recognize that this has been hard on you as well. I’m not sure exactly where you got the faith that allowed you to keep believing in me and supporting me, but I thank you both for that. Too many times in my life, you have been the only ones who saw past the me that I was and the life I was living, and you saw the person that I am slowly becoming. Without your belief in me, I do not think I would be here today. From the fear that ruled my life as a teenager and a young adult, through being briefly suicidal at 19 (did you even know that?), from the lows of not being able to hold a job that paid more than minimum wage for over a decade to the high of finally becoming a father myself, through my up-and-down spiritual life, through 2 failed marriages and then one twisted love-relationship with a strange woman who has both scarred me and re-made me, through all of these things, the only people who have truly stood by me are my parents. I look at my life, and I just shake my head in bewildered amazement at what I have had to endure; no wonder God called me “peculiar” in prophecy! Mom and Dad, nothing I can say or do can ever repay you for what you have done for me. Nevertheless, I thank you. I know that your true reward will be waiting for you in heaven!

If nobody has figured it out yet, when I get stressed, I write. I write to sort things out. I write to keep my mind busy. I write to keep my sanity somewhat intact.

Let me let you in on a secret; It is a terrible thing to want what you cannot have. How often do we set our hearts and our sights on something, only to butt heads with our Saviour because a loving God will not let us have it? God knows so much more than we do! Yet, even though we often ask for the wrong things, still He tells us to bring our requests to Him. So often, we expect that if He doesn’t shout “No!” at the top of His lungs at us, then we should just keep on asking Him until He breaks down and gives it to us to shut us up. That seems to be what we think! Luckily, we have His Word to tell us His will for us, to show us what is right and what is wrong; really, His Word is all we need, not His audible shout. Wanting something that God didn’t want for me, it almost destroyed me. It took me far too long to lay my own feelings and desires aside and realize that she was not the one that God had chosen as my next wife. In the end, I had to submit to the truth of His Word, and choose to leave her alone, despite my strong feelings for her. And, to this day, part of me still wants her. But my obedience (now) pleases God, and I know He has “the right person” out there somewhere for me. Hopefully, not too far away. I need something (someone) good in my life for once! I’m sure I do not deserve her, but that doesn’t mean I do not need her (and she needs me). The way I figure things, I will always have an attachment to the previous “her”, right up until “the right one” comes along. After that…my heart will then be 110% hers.

So, long story short…I haven’t been pleased about where I’ve had to work tonight. But I’ve survived. I’ve kept my mind busy and occupied, so that nobody else could occupy it for any great length. I could do a lot of venting about tonight, and why it was wrong on so many levels; I could be very angry over it all. Bit I don’t want to be an angry person, ‘cause it is just counter-productive. And nobody really cares about my indignation, so why discuss it? Better to work hard at letting it go. Suffice it to say, I’m not happy about it, but I lived through it and now it’s done. ‘Nuff said!

Just looking for some Joy in my life (there’s some irony in this statement, but I won’t explain it). After all the stress and pain and heartache of the last year and a half, it seems like surely I am due for some major blessings, major gifts. Some good, close, loyal friendships, God-fearing and Jesus-loving people who care for me (and I for them). A good church body to be a part of. And a loving woman to share the rest of my life with.

Look out, negative thoughts! Look out, fiery arrows! Look out, devil’s schemes! It’s my coming out party, it’s my turn to shine, good things are coming my way!