From Bitter To Better (the Better Batter eats Butter?)

Remember: It is better to bare your soul, than to let your soul become barren.



So, it is 4:37pm on Sunday June 14th 2009, and I am sitting alone in this room again. “Work”, they call this. But I am alone, doing nothing.

Something I have come to realize already today. Bear with me once again, as I clear my thoughts of the stuff in them. I have not seen Melanie since the middle of October of 2008. For the last 8 months, I have come to work 4 or 5 times a week, to this very room. This room is like a ghost, it holds many memories of my life with Melanie in it. Of all the things that passed between us, 95% of them took place in this very room.

How do I feel about that? Honestly, I equate it to a spouse dying, and living on in the same home where you lived with them. Everywhere I look, there are ghostly after-images of her; of what she did, of what she said, of how she looked, of her laugh, of her compassion, of her tears, of her pain, of her smile, of her anger. It is all here still. I know many of you will think that I am blowing things out of proportion, but I am not; these are my memories, and I have to re-live them on a daily basis. These are my feelings, and I have to deal with them as they ebb and flow. This is my life, and I am the only one who can live it.

I look forward to the fact that this is the last work shift I will ever spend in this room. It will “help” to begin to bring closure. Subconsciously, I have been looking forward to no longer having to work here, to come here, to see and hear and smell her here, for a good long time now.

At the same time, it terrifies me to leave here. It makes me feel, melodramatically I am sure, like I am leaving her here, alone and by herself. Reality is, she chose to live life without me a long time ago. Her choice, and we all live with it, for better or for worse. But it still scares me. I still remember the feeling I got not long after I grew close to her, the feeling that she would be in my life forever. Well, in some ways she always will be, but not nearly even close to how I thought. Sigh…

I am a poet by nature. I feel things deeply, and I ponder them forever. I try to make sense of the world around me by looking at things differently than others do. And I filter everything through emotions. It is a blessing, and a curse. It is what it is. But please, do not tell me not to feel what I feel. I appreciate that everyone just wants me to move on. But moving on is not just a simple choice. I chose to move on after my first wife and I broke up, when I was not yet ready to, and I ended up making a terrible mistake that affected many lives. You do not just choose to ignore your emotions; you have to learn to live with them, to gradually tame them, and to shape them into something beautiful that you can use. And that is what I am attempting to do. I am NOT trying to stay in the past. I am trying to SHAPE how I view the past, so that my past can become a functioning part of my present and my future. It is a process, and one that I must work through. Pray for me if you like, but do not try to tell me how to deal with things. God walks with me, and He will see me through. And I will get through this MY way, because MY WAY is the way that God wants me to go through this. He wants me to be uniquely me. He appreciates me, He made me unique and He loves my uniqueness. So, I cannot and will not handle this the way that anybody thinks that I should; I will handle this the way that I handle it, because I am me.

I realize today that I could “jump start” my healing process, at least I think I could, by becoming angry with Melanie Joy. And, honestly, that anger would come fairly easily to me. But, that way would not be a way that I would be able to respect myself for taking. I respect myself, God, and even Melanie, too much to use the route of anger (or is that the “root of bitterness”?). So do not expect me to bash her, put here down, or otherwise push her aside. Melanie, and my feelings for her (the ones I have had, the ones I do have, and the ones I will have – they are MY feelings, let me have them!), will always be a part of me. I am trying to meld these feelings and these thoughts and these memories into something useful. I would much rather move on in life, able to be thankful to God for using MJ in my life, and able to be thankful feeling towards Mel, than the alternative. Why would I hate her? Why would I blame her? Above all, my greatest hope in life is to see her in heaven. There, she will be my forever sister. There, I will not be mad at her – so what is the point of being that way here on earth? No, I want to have good thoughts towards her. And, yes, I DO realize that I cannot have her. I KNOW this. But I still miss her, I still miss (my best friend ever!) what we had (short as it was, frustrating as it was, it was the best thing I have ever had in my life!), and I will always be grateful to her for the short time she dared to share a little bit of her heart with me. It was heaven on earth, to me.

So, my future; what does it hold? Obviously, not Melanie. But, one way or another, my life goes on, and my life has now been partially shaped by my experiences with her. So, when I say that she will always be a part of me, that is what I mean – if not for her and what I had to go through with her, I would not be the person that I am now, or the person that I will one day be. Yes, God could have used anybody or anything to accomplish some of these changes in me; but He didn’t. I am thankful to God, and to Melanie. She did not know God was using her, but He was and He did.

My future? I do not know. Something good. Hopefully, soon. A special someone, when I am ready. God’ll work it all out.






I have, within me, the ability to love. At times, I can positively feel it within me, struggling to break to the surface, looking for somebody to give to.

I realize that may sound “a little weird”. But, regardless of what you perceive as reality, my reality is based on my own perceptions. And I strongly believe that this last year or so of my life has (shaped me, like being worked on by a Master Craftsman) changed me. I am not who I once was. I’m not the old me; I’m something else. I am not the weak me, although I may still look like him on the outside – I am full of untapped potential.

I am not sure that I ever truly understood love. Not before all of this. I did not trust my feelings very much, let alone act on them. I did not understand God’s love for me, not compared to how I do now. And I certainly did not understand how to love a woman. All that thought of “giving” just wore me out, stressed me out; I couldn’t grasp it! But now, now things are different for me. I have gone through the fire, I have been tested, I…I don’t know how to explain it more accurately. But I am DIFFERENT. I am BETTER. I just know that I am. I sense it, I see it, I feel it.

I was sitting here, and looking at my work schedule. I realized that I was actually scheduled for yet another shift here at the old site, working by myself in an empty room full of memories that I cannot seem to escape, and the thought of doing that shift filled me full of absolute dread. So I made a phone call to my boss, told him that there are too many memories here for me to deal with, and asked his permission to switch a shift with somebody, change up the schedule. He told me that he was giving me his permission. Then I phoned the other work site (the new one, the open one) and got the cell-phone number of a staff member, whom I called and asked to change a shift . He agreed. Then I made one other change to the schedule, and now it ends up that in order to escape that shift, I had to schedule myself for a GraveYard shift. Which I gladly did.

I sat back and looked at my handiwork, and had to stop myself from grinning like an idiot (although, since I am alone here, what would it really matter?). I realized that I had just taken control of my own destiny in life, I had just made an incredible investment in my future and in my mental and emotional and spiritual health. Maybe it does not seem like such a huge big deal, but for me, it was a MONSTROUS huge decision. A GOOD decision. And, for the first time in quite some time, I can put my shoulders back and feel like a man. Makes me want to go outside and howl at the moon, so to speak. This is what life is about. Not letting life control you, but putting up the sails and letting God take the tiller and trusting that as long as you are moving forward then at least you know you are not dead yet.

This workplace has been my tomb for too long. I look forward to rolling the rock away from the door and stepping out into life. Enough being haunted, enough being taunted – now is my time to live.

Life is about love. If you want to get close to God, you have to love Him. Nothing will line you up with God’s will and God’s blessings and God’s Word quicker than being in love with Him. Then, we take the love that He bestows upon us, and we give that love to others around us. We treat others respectfully and kindly, and we share the love of Christ with them. To truly get somewhere in this life, you must love others. And to get somewhere in the “afterlife”, you must love God. God is love, so of course life is about love. The most important thing in life, is to love God. The second most, is to love others.

That is the legacy that I want to leave behind me. May my tombstone read, “He loved God passionately, and showed love to those around him.” My future starts now. May love transform me. I think it already has, don’t you?


And, thank You, Lord. Thank You for trusting me enough to allow me to go through the pain and heartbreak I’ve gone through, so that You could re-make me into the man You want me to be.



Here are the lyrics to the song “My Daddy Can Whip Your Daddy” by Disciple…

My God is I Am Who I Am
The spotless Lamb
He's the Son of Man
He's the absolute perfection
He's my resurrection
And by God He's my protection!

God is good, God is good
He's so freak'n awesome!

Draw close to Him
He draws close to me
His children are as the sands to the sea
He placed in me a redemption song
And when He's weakest, He's still strong

My God is as gentle as a dove come from above
Unconditional love
He's sacrificial through His son
Second to none
He's the Almighty Holy One!

God is so good, I love Him so much
He's done so much for me
My Daddy can whip your daddy!
My Daddy can whip your daddy!

Draw close to Him
He draws close to me
His children are as the sands to the sea
He placed in me a redemption song
And when He's weakest, He's still strong

My God is I Am Who I Am
The spotless Lamb
He's the Son of Man
He's the absolute perfection
He's my resurrection
And by God He's my protection!

My Daddy can whip your daddy!
My Daddy can whip your daddy!