A Life-Changing Shift

It is 5:15pm on June the 13th 2009. I am sitting here at my old (closed) work site, in this room all by myself for an 8 hour shift. I have been listening to music on my MP3 Player, trying to pass the time.

Truthfully, I am just sitting here alone, and it is reminding me too much of my life. The “aloneness” is closing in on me. I talk so much about being a giving person. But I am not really giving at all, I have nobody to give to!

Truth is, I am frightfully alone. I am unloved, or nearly so. And I have been this way, for far too long…

It has been nearly one full year since I thought any female loved me romantically. And even that one person, I now no longer even know if she ever did have feelings of love for me. She certainly never came out and told me that she did, although she hinted.

It has been 17 months since my last wife and I split up. She rejected me, and no longer wanted to live with me. Things with her were bad for about two months, really bad, before we split up. My last wife, did she even ever love me? I mean, I cannot honestly think of a time she was passionate and tender and caring towards me. She just always seemed to be judging me, and I always seemed to come up short (to her and her impossible standards). She was always asking me for more, and never opening herself up and giving to me from her heart (which is what I desired). I feel like I could never quite reach her. We did not so much grow apart, as it was more like we were never really together. She was a closed book, keeping so much of what she thought and felt to herself. We rarely did things together. We seldom laughed and enjoyed life together. Really, it wasn’t much of a marriage at all.

So, the question remains, how long has it been since I was actually romantically loved and cared for?

Well, my first wife and I have been divorced now for about 7 years, I believe. That means we were married for 8 years (?) and together for 10 years. She and I, for the most part, got along fairly well, particularly at the beginning. We, for all intents and purposes, grew up together. But “rockiness” had its fair share of this relationship. We split up once before we were married, and twice afterwards. She kicked me out once (on Father’s Day), and left me in the middle of the night another time. She took my daughter from me, and asked me not to have anything to do with her. Between the time we first started dating, and our eventual divorce, she slept with more people than I can count, and she acted inappropriately with scores of others. And, as she told me, she only hooked up with me to escape her parents. Although for a lot of times we were best friends, and although we get along to this day “fairly well”, I have to ask the obvious question – is this what real love looks like? Was this relationship a real love relationship, being treated in this fashion? Oh, I wasn’t perfect; I was certainly immature and lacking confidence in my life. Bu honestly, a person who says “I love you” has to show it in their actions as well. Too many of the things that went on in this past relationship, showed the opposite of love.

So again, I sit here pondering, and I realize...now, I may be overstating things here, but…have I ever been loved in the way that God intended for me to be?

It is no wonder that I am so heartbroken. It is no wonder I am sitting here, alone, trying to choke back the tears of bitterness and pain and hurt.

You know what? Here is what I want. Here is what I am asking God for.

I am not asking God for the perfect woman. There is no such thing, I know that. I am not asking God for a woman who needs no work. I WANT a woman who needs work, a woman who needs ME.

I am asking God for a woman who loves Him passionately.

Other than that, the only thing that matters to me right now, is something that may be a little selfish, but maybe I feel like I have earned the right to ask for something for myself for once. What I want, is a Godly woman who will take one look at me, and KNOW, honestly KNOW, that I am the man God is leading her to. Just one look. One look, and know. And then she will act on it.

My first wife, she latched onto me because she wanted somebody to take her away from her parents.

My second wife, I had to pursue and convince her that we should be together. And she never really seemed to be convinced, she certainly never believed that God put us together.

That other woman that I loved (love still?), God put me into her life, I gave like I have never given before (still would give?), and she walked away from me, scared because I was an unknown to her. She would rather the devil that she knew, rather than face an unknown. She chose sickness over health, darkness over light, pain over healing, death over life, sin over God. And she still carries my heart with her. She is the first one I have ever given my heart to, who would not give back to me. That hurts me, like a cancer on the inside of my heart and my soul. She has forever changed who I am – for better or for worse, I do not always know. But I am a different person because of her, and I can never go back to who I was before she broke into my life. Like a bright shooting star, she appeared in my sky and she changed me on the inside, and then she fizzled and disappeared from view all too suddenly, leaving me in the darkness, without direction.

So, now, I want somebody to know that I am “the one”, and for her to pursue me. Oh, not forever. I do not expect to sit back and do nothing. But I want the opportunity to feel special, to feel blessed of God, and to be given a priceless gift.

Is that too much to ask? Does not a lifetime of pain and frustration deserve a little happiness and love?

Is God not a God of love, a God of giving, a God of good gifts?

Do I ask wrongly?

Well God, do I?

Can I?

May I?

Will You?

Please…



As far as MJ goes, I can’t be angry with her. Not ever. In spite of the pain and brokenness she left me with, she is my shooting star. She changed my life, and I LIKE (most of) the changes in me. She is my shooting star, and I wish I could see her again. But it is probably best that I do not, because nothing between us will ever likely be like it was before. I don’t want pale imitations and shadows of love; I want the real, God-ordained thing. I want it all, and I want it ASAP. Life is wasting away, I’m not getting any younger, and I am bored on my own. “MJ, wherever you are, may God find you, save you, change you, and bless you, in that order. I’ll see you in heaven. All my heart, Dredd Sweet.”

One more question – Do I feel things so deeply because I am a poet, or am I a poet because I feel things so deeply?

From “Black”, the novel by Christian author Ted Dekker, comes these 2 lines, lines that speak volumes to me about Who God is, and about how my life’s experiences bring me closer to Him.
‘ This was the Great Romance. To love at any cost.’

Yes, love is the most important thing there is, because God is love. And all love has a price. You must be willing to hurt, even to die, to truly experience what real love is. So, I do not regret loving MJ. I loved her, and in some way I still do. I loved, and that love burned me inside, it seared and singed my soul. I survive the pain, but it leaves me with a limp. Like Jacob wrestling The Angel. I did what God said for me to do, I loved MJ with all of my heart; I did not win her, but I did win a knowledge of what real love is, and my heart’s limp will always remind me of what I have gained.

This is some pretty deep stuff, isn’t it?

It is exciting! I am…I, just like you who are reading this, I am discovering things as I write this.

I have known for quite some time that MJ was a blessing in my life. But, just now, I am discovering what a HUGE blessing she was to me! A gift from God.

See, let me explain. When I was a teenager, God used a small kitten to show me that He loved me. Ever since that moment, a cat has always been a sign of God’s love to me.

But, God showed me last year, He showed me how to love another person, with a love that is not selfish but giving.

When I was a teenager, God used a cat to show me that He loved me. Then, last year He used Melanie to show me that I was capable of taking that love He has for me, and pouring that love into somebody else for their benefit.

So, I have been thinking about this. See, a cat will always be, to me, a sign of God’s love for me. In the same way, I truly believe that my ability to love another person (in the right way) will always be linked in my mind with MJ.

And, in that way, she (and my love for her) will always live on within me. And that thought makes me smile. Which reminds me of a Galactic Cowboys song lyric that says, “You make me smile, when it’s said and done.” God is extremely good to me. Melanie never has to leave my heart, because she will be intrinsically linked to any love relationship that I have in my life, through God’s gift to me that He worked through my friendship with her. That is so cool!

I have not lost Melanie. I carry her with me in my heart. And my limp, my inner hurts, they are God’s reminder to me of what took place, of the price that was paid to learn a secret so great that a price had to be paid to learn it. God, You are so good to me! Thank You!

I now do not have to be saddened about the pain that I am sometimes in. Rather, I can view this with pride, like a battle scar, like a great wound that I took in a battle to learn a great truth. And that makes it even more worthwhile than I already thought it was!

It is okay for me to be wounded. Like a war veteran, I can be proud that I was wounded fighting for a great prize, and capturing it in the end. I found how to love, and that is worth everything that I had to give (and more). I captured a great prize, and now I get to give that prize away to the next love of my life. I never realized when I first started spending time with MJ that she would be the key to my being able to make my next relationship work, but that it would not be my relationship with her. Isn’t it strange how God works?



Just doing some more thinking. Thank God that I am good at it, ‘cause I do an awful lot of it!

Here is what I think. I AM IMPORTANT. No, bear with me. This is not me being a megalomaniac. I am a person who throughout life has never been comfortable in my own skin. I have had to deal with a severe inferiority complex through most of my life, as well as a case of Attention Deficit Disorder that I never knew I had until I was an adult. I have always felt disassociated with what goes on around me, like I am not a part of everything I see. What I am saying, is that I am not reaching for grandeur with this comment.

Bear with me. When I say that I am important, I mean it in the best way possible. Not meaning that I am more important than anyone else. Just that I am more important than I thought I was, that I actually do have purpose to my life.

I thought Melanie Joy Young was my purpose. To some extent, she was. I now realize, she was PART of my purpose.

She was the instrument that God is using (still!) to awaken me. I thought she was my reason for being here on earth, to see her saved and to love her. And I thought I had lost my purpose, lost my God-given destiny, when I lost her. This is why I am alone, why I am unhappy. I have no destiny. But…

But, I am beginning to see things differently. Mel was just a PART of my destiny. I cannot say that I know where my destiny lies, but it does lie in whatever direction God eventually points me. And, part of my destiny required me to learn how to love properly. And God used Mel to teach me that. Yes, He could have used anyone. But, He used MJ for a reason. He knew I would find (and lose, for a while) a sense of destiny with her (one that I had NEVER had before). Also, He wanted me to be a witness to her (planting and watering seeds that yield a crop of salvation). He called me, and I answered. I was shown to be faithful. For once, for maybe the first time in my despicable life, I was shown to be faithful (“Hurrah!”). God called, I answered. I showered with love, I gave and gave and gave, I prayed until my voice was hoarse and my tear-ducts dried up. I believed, and so I went on, as long as I could last, no matter what I saw (looking past what I could see, and standing strong in faith), because I believed and because I wanted to obey. I also wanted to win. I see now, that the “victory” would take a much different form than I could ever guess at that time.

So, I still have a destiny. I was not wrong to see MJ as part of my destiny, I was just wrong in believing that she was ALL of my destiny. God still has a plan for me. He has not strayed from it. I have not derailed it. All is still in His hands.

Now, to just get that from my thick head, to my limping heart…





I don’t want to be ordinary.

I want to have God live through me.


“How Long” By Idle Cure


Some say You're there
Some say they're never quite the same
A gentle whisper deep within my soul
Some say You will
Some say You heal the hearts of men
My heart is in Your ever-loving hands

How long You have waited for me
How long You have given love so free

Some choose the hard road
The narrow path
A changing of my will
I need Your love and strength
within my heart

How long You have waited for me
How long You have given love so free

So I'm reaching out to You
Hope is more than just a dream
I want to give my life to You
When I feel that I am all alone
When the world comes crashin' round me
I look to You, Your love surrounds me
‘Cause I found myself in You

All the time I thought that love
would pass me by
You heard my cry
Now You're here inside of me

So I'm reaching out to you
Hope is more than just a dream
I want to give my life to You
When I feel that I am all alone
When the world comes crashin' round me
I look to You, Your love surrounds me
‘Cause I found myself in You