And...Then?

And when you are all alone, when you feel utterly deserted and empty and meaningless and unloved; what do you do then?



The last few days, I have been realizing that for the most part, I am becoming okay with being by myself. Just trying to enjoy my life as it is; quiet, and alone. As long as I have a few friends, I am okay not being in a relationship with somebody.

Now, today, I think I am realizing that maybe it is better not to have any friends, either. No chance of pain or hurt or disappointment, if you just do not bother to share your life with anybody.

Because, in the end, people suck. We all do. All of us. We are unreliable, selfish, and untrustworthy. We are full of anger, greed, self-love and self-loathing, lust, deceit, laziness, and just plain mean-spiritedness. We cannot be trusted, and we cannot be relied upon. We take when we should give, and we leave when we should stay. We make bad choice after bad choice, and we never really learn from our mistakes. We stay when we should leave, curse when we should praise, and lash out when we are afraid. We are angry, confused, lonely, selfish, hurt, and scared. And that seems to be our natural state.

I myself am bad enough as a human being. Why surround myself with those who are just as poorly off as I am? Why set ourselves up for not only our own failures, but the failures of those around us too? Why bother? We cannot even love ourselves, so why think we can love others, or be loved by others?



You know what I do? You know what I do, when I am all alone, when I feel utterly deserted and empty and meaningless and unloved? You know what I do? Here is what I do…

I pretend I am on a deserted island; and I type. I type, I blog, and I treat these words like they are messages being sent out on the waves in a bottle. When I get to this state in my life, I write. And when I am done writing...I mope for a while. I sink down into the depths of the sea and stay there as long as I can, until the waves spit me out and deposit me back on my desert isle. Then I try to get a good night’s sleep, and I get up the next day and drag myself along, trying to find hope and faith that one day God will be able to change me into something better than I am. Because, at the end of each day, and again at the beginning of each day, that is the only hope that I have that matters.

Nothing else matters, nothing else but God. My circumstances do not matter. My pain does not matter. The shambles my life is in does not matter. My state of mind does not matter, my emotions do not matter. My finances do not matter. My job does not matter. Nothing matters, except that God finds me searching for Him desperately, and He changes me into something better than what I am right now.

Without that, all i have is a deserted island. Deserted of everything, including myself.