No Love, Dreams, and Sucking

Maybe I was wrong and she never did love me.

Maybe when I accused her, many months ago, of playing a game with my heart…maybe I was right back then. Oh, of course she refused to listen to my accusations. Anytime I got too close, made her too uncomfortable by talking about her, she always found a way to trot out a whole book of excuses to explain her actions in ways that she could handle. So, we never ever got to have discussions about these type of things – no matter how nicely I could question her motives or her actions (let alone her feelings), she always turned the tables immediately and refused to accept responsibility, refused to accept that any of my thoughts or wonderings about her were true.

And so I go, around and around the mountain again. There is so much, Lord, so much that I just do not understand.

And, she has left me on such unstable ground! Because the more that I question whether or not she really ever loved me, the more I question whether I am truly lovable at all…

No, I am not having a pity party. But, what I AM doing, is trying to sort out my heart and my head.

The longer I am away from her, the more I believe that I am better off staying far away from her.

But it is also true, that the more that I think she may never have loved me but just been playing a dangerous game with my heart, the more that I wonder…why do people not love me?

Yeah, I know…it is a stupid question, and one designed to get me down on myself. I know that, I know.

But, if I love those, passionately, who do not really love me back, then what character flaw does that reveal in me?

Thoughts…sometimes, I hate having them.
Of course, the alternative is NOT thinking, which means being dead.
Hmm…so, I guess me and my thoughts will just have to live with each other, then, won’t we?

Life is weird. I had a brief dream about her last night. It wasn’t a pleasant dream. In my dream, I ran into her, and it was REALLY awkward. Nothing to say to each other, really. Maybe even my dreams are trying to show me something?

Hearts suck. Loving people sucks. People suck.

I guess I suck, too!