heart-dropped

Yesterday, something eerily prophetic happened to me.

When I was leaving work, I had my poppy pinned to my jacket lapel. Well, it came apart. The pin stayed in my jacket, but the rest of it fell off and landed at my feet.

The irony?

Today, I feel like my heart has dropped out of my body and landed at my feet as well.

I feel like I have wrinkled parchment for skin, and I am wearing it like a coat. Underneath it, I am nothing. No heart, no love, no feelings beyond mild despair.

I do not feel well today. All of the stuff I have been experiencing lately has all started to catch up to me. I miss being in love. Desperately miss it, actually. I do not feel like a whole person right now…

Worse, I am again starting to wonder if I can ever love somebody else.

Do I want her back? Honestly, I do not know (funny that I would think about wanting her “back”, when I never really did have her to begin with…). Do I want to have those sorts of emotions for her again? Hmm…well, I do know that I want to feel “something” for her again, and I do definitely want her in my life again. How, and in what way? I am not sure.


Truthfully, as poorly as I feel right now, I am thankful that at last I am feeling something! I have been in a dead place of self-ignoring for too long now. And that is no way to live.


Yesterday, my heart dropped off of my sleeve and fell to the ground. Today, i realized that my heart is not in my body - and it isn't coming back anytime soon, evidentally...