Words

Words. Words are interesting. They convey much, sometimes even simple singular words can tell us lots more than entire paragraphs.

I recently sent to a few people an email “game” that was sent to me. The objective is for people to describe you in one word. I got a few interesting answers back.

But, then I decided to search for a singular word that describes myself at this point in my life.

And I came up with the word “veneer.”

Veneer – a thin facing of finishing material. One ply or one thickness of something. A plastic, porcelain, or composite material used to improve the attractiveness of a stained or damaged tooth. Sheets of wood used to cover other materials (usually plywood) to create the “illusion” of solid wood. A very thin layer used as a facing. A thin layer of superior wood glued to a base of inferior wood. A thin decorative covering of fine wood applied to coarser wood or other material; an attractive appearance that covers or disguises true nature or feelings.


It is funny, how many people who know me see me as “strong”, as a “bend but not break” sort of personality, somebody who bounces back from tragedies with a good attitude.

Funny as in “ironic", not funny as in “ha ha.”

Anybody guess yet why I chose the word “veneer” to describe myself right now?

Let me let you in on a secret – that strength of character you see in me? It is just a thin shell; the real me is inside there somewhere, and it (he, I) isn’t nearly as pretty to look at (or deal with, or live with).

I am NOT strong. I am NOT in control. And I am NOT able to bounce back and maintain a good attitude.

Truth be told, I am horribly, terribly, morbidly…
…Afraid.

It hasn’t been a good year for me (actually, it hasn’t been a terribly good lifetime for me).
I turned 37 years old; time is racing by me.
And I lost my second marriage.

That second point alone would be enough to show that my year has been horrid. A marriage break-up is never a fun thing. It can be horribly difficult to deal with. It affects every single area of your life; there is no way of getting around that.
But, then the unthinkable happened for me. In the midst of a bad year, one of the greatest things to ever happen to me, did (the only things that top it, right now, are Being born, Having a daughter, and Getting saved). I fell in love, with the most interesting person I have ever met.
I thought God had given me a wonderful gift. I was staring at a blessing that I did not deserve, and could never have imagined was even possible.

And then, life pulled the rug out from under me.

Now, I do not even know if she and I are friends anymore. We have no contact. And the person who I loved , isn’t even in my life.

So, yeah…I am terribly AFRAID.

I am seriously afraid, because I think I have lost the most wonderful thing in the world. God showed me a beautiful pearl, and when He placed it into my hands, I dropped it somewhere and lost it. Possibly (probably) never to be found again.

Love doesn’t come into my life very often.

I do not understand life anymore. Oh, I can give all the standard Christianese answers to life, I have much head-knowledge about God and stuff. But, truthfully, life has ceased to make sense.

All I do know, is this. In the midst of a huge storm in my life, I found a priceless treasure. It made everything that I had gone through in my life seem worthwhile. Then life turned around and kicked me while I was down, a real shot to the unmentionables. My heart got cut out and tossed aside, not by her, but by the unfairness of life.

When I seriously LEAST needed another boot to the gonads, I got one anyways. And this one will be felt for the rest of my life.

I am shattered inside. And I am afraid. I am afraid that the very best thing to happen to me in a very long time, is now gone forever, never to return. I am afraid that from here on in, life is a downhill race; that brief glimpse of potential happiness that I got? Yeah, that was the best that my life will ever be.

So, yeah. Veneer; a facing, an illusion, something to cover and hide true nature or feelings.






It's been a few days
Since you've left and said goodbye
There's got to be a way
To stop the pain inside

Oh how I miss you baby
Looking at the pictures in my hand
Wondering if I'll see you
Ever again

I'm cryin' oh oh
Can't you see my heart is breaking
I'm cryin' oh oh
But I get my strength from up above
I'm cryin' oh oh
My love she isn't taking
I'm cryin' oh oh
Over you

It's been a few nights
That I've spent my time at home
But somehow I know
I'm not in this alone

Oh how I miss you baby
Looking at the pictures in my hand
Wondering if I'll see you
Ever again

I'm cryin' oh oh
Can't you see my heart is breaking
I'm cryin' oh oh
But I get my strength from up above
I'm cryin' oh oh
My love she isn't taking
I'm cryin' oh oh
Over you

Why don't you listen to reason
There ain't no problem we can't solve
This hard times only a season
We've got to fight gotta fight for our love

I'm cryin' oh oh
Can't you see my heart is breaking
I'm cryin' oh oh
But I get my strength from up above
I'm cryin' oh oh
My love she isn't taking
I'm cryin' oh oh
Over you


("Cryin' Over You" - by Barren Cross)