Sunday, May 3, 2009

Shattered Illusions

Well…

This has been an “interesting” evening for me.

I learned some things tonight; things that I wished I did not know, yet also things that I am glad that I finally learned.

Sigh…

Y’know what? Life is hard. That is not a complaint, just an observation. Truthfully, I mean it; life is hard.

I learned some things tonight, things that all my workmates assumed that I already knew. But I didn’t.

The things I learned, they shocked me. They hurt me. But I needed to hear them. And, once I had examined them, I knew them to be true.

My opinions of Melanie Young are changing.

I still do not hate her, and I hope that I never do. I still wish the best for her. I still pray for her (if not daily, at least fairly often). And I still know that I can have NOTHING to do with her.

But, I realize some things about her now. I probably would not have been willing to hear (or believe) them until now. See, I learned that in her short time here (at work), Melanie used (or attempted to use) every male here. She used people, that is what she did. Everybody was an object to be used.

Every male here, she tried to get close to them, to get information from them, quite a few she made exploratory attempts to develop relationships with them, she flirted with them all. She lied to us all. She used us, firstly to try to get in the good books of various people at work to further herself and her “career” here, and secondly she used the attention of males to get her “husband’s” attention through jealousy (a tactic she continues to use, as the only apparent way to get him to pay attention to her). The way I hear it, I not only was not the first male at work she attempted to use (use their heart, mess up their lives, all for her own purposes and NOT for love or sex) but indeed I was number 5 on the list. Number 5!

Just, “lucky me”, I was the one who got sucked in the worst, and therefore was the one who got hurt the worst.

I still do not regret loving her. To love someone, even if they never return it (or want it), even if they use you, to love somebody is a great thing, an honourable thing. I regret that my ex-wife got hurt because of my love for Melanie. I regret the problems that it caused at work. But, that is it. The rest, I have no regrets. I did what I did, and I would not take it back.

But, I feel a little more ”used” right now. A little more “alone.” A lot more hurt. Rather emotional. Would enjoy a good cry right now, but can’t at this time.

Hopefully, this newfound stuff that I now know, I am hopeful that God allowed me to see this now because it was the right time, and hopefully it will enable me to continue to piece my shattered and fragile life back together and eventually move on as a healthy person.

Don’t feel too healthy right now. Just broken; re-broken.

It is a good thing that I recognize that being broken is a potentially good thing. God can use my brokenness.

Being open is a good thing. That is why I do not regret what happened to me. I would rather love the wrong person, in the wrong way, and make a mess of my life, than the alternative; better to love passionately and true, than close up your heart and become part of the living dead stew.

I like that line. Think I might post it somewhere.

Anyways, thank you, my family and friends. Your support of me always amazes me. Don’t worry about me; I am on the path that God has chosen for me to walk, and I will be okay.

Slainte.

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