Take Care

I am learning to take care of myself.

Some will say that when I decided I was not going back to my second wife to try to make things work (not that they had EVER really worked between the two of us), that it was a selfish decision.

Can't say that I would disagree with them; they're right.

However, to assume that the story has ended with that statement, would be completely false. As with every coin, there are two sides, both equally correct.

The fact is, when I decided not to go back, I was spreading my wings. I was leaving the nest. I needed "me" time, time to discover who I was and what I wanted.

What I DIDN'T want, was to be stuck in a loveless marriage that made me (and everybody else) miserable. I did not want to be in a place where I was being told what I had to be (something completely different than who and what I was). So I chose to re-make myself. I set myself free, and gave myself permission to do it. I did it, and then I forgave myself. It helped to know that my God had forgiven me.

So, I moved on. It has been a bumpy road. A curvy road. The ride has not been fun. But, it was (and still is) necessary.

I am learning about myself; I know what I am like under pressure, and what I'm like when I am happy to be alive, I know Who I rely on when I am down and what happens to me when I turn to distractions instead. I am not relying on anybody to take care of me, but me (and God, of course). Some days, I just cannot like myself at all. A lot of days, I am not very pleased with my life. But, I am determined to own myself as never before. What happens, happens because I allow it to. My life is nobody's fault but my own, and only I can change it (or, only God can change me for the better, but only if I let Him).

It is about personal responsibiliy. If I step on your toes, it is because I mean to; deal with it. If you step on my toes, then it is my decision whether to allow you to be close enough to me to possibly step on them again. My life, my choice - my responsibility.

There are areas of my life where I am fairly 'okay' in. For instance, most of the time I do not feel that I need a woman in my life to complete me. It isn't that I do not 'want' a good woman in my life - I just do not "need" one. I want to be more of a giving person, and I want to be a compassionate lover and sharer, and I desire to have a special someone in my life that I can be like that with - but, it'll happen when it happens, and in the meantime it is just me, I need to take care of me.

Problem being, women do not like my openness; it scares them. Nor do they like "me", as they all want to change me. No acceptance of what IS in their love. Well, I cannot accept that, nor will I accept that. That isn't good for me, and I only want what is good for me in my life.

See? I am learning to take care of myself. Me, all by myself, like a big boy.

20 years since I have become an adult, and I am just now starting to figure it all out...and I have a long long long way to go yet...sigh...