I

I cannot stand when people are all friendly with you for a while, and then they seem to disappear and back completely off the face of the earth. Because you know that they will come back around at some point, suck you in again, and then walk off and ignore you again. No thought for others' feelings, only for their own.

By this logic, i admit that i probably hate myself, as i am quite sure i am guilty of this as well at times...

Y'know, this probably explains why I want nothing to do with Melanie, why i live in fear of seeing her, bumping into her somewhere, why I literally pray every day that God will not allow me to meet her anywhere. I do not want falseness in my life. I do not want users in my life. I do not want fairweather friends. I really have never been a believer in casual friendships; i am quite sure that they do not exist. A casual friend, is an acquaintance. Nothing more. I have people at work who tell me that i am their friend - i tell them, "No, i am a work acquaintance. A friend whom you only see because your work dictates that you have to, that isn't a friend. A friend is somebody you care about, you stay in contact with, and you make time for. Somebody you consciously and frequently go out of your way to be with, that is a friend."

So, I have had very few friends in my life. I have had some people who were friends for a period, but that period has long since ended. They were friends, now they are acquaintances. Currently, i haven't had a deep and pentrating and meaningful and lasting friendship in close to ten years. I have some people that i am friendly with at times, some people whom i enjoy talking to at times. But are we close? Not really, no. Do i see them on a regular basis? No, not at all. Are they there for me? Again, no.

That isn't to lay any blame. Some of you reading this may have thought you were casual friends, and now you see that i place very high value on that descriptive word, "friend". To me, being a friend really MEANS something. It has value. It has heart. It isn't about 'like', it is about sacrifice and sharing and time spent together with purpose.

I guess I just expect a lot out of life, out of friendships. I usually only have one (or none) friend at a time. I get kicked enough from life, i don't need to get hurt or let down from those I allow close to me. Because that just sucks.

And that is my opinion on that.