Oh, Ow! I Love Jesus

I was searching through some of my various piles of stuff and what-nots and junk on some of my shelves, sorting through it all to find what to throw, what to keep, what to store, etcetera.

I came upon a card that I had tucked away. It was from my second wife, Rachelle. She had given it to me sometimes after we had separated. The card was encouraging me to get close to God, that we COULD work things out between us still and that she believed in me and would be there for me.

Ouch. Good thing that God is forgiving, isn't it?

I do not beleive in coincidences, so I guess was meant to find this now...

When Rachelle and I split up, I was hurt, very very hurt and very tired of trying. Although I feigned some "trying" (to work on our relationship) for her sake, I spent most of my time ignoring her. The only thing that I ignored more than her, was me and my own problems. I didn't have the strength to face myself. So, I didn't. I put my life on "ignore", and spent my time doing anything but making my own life or my own self better. I did not FEEL supported by Rachelle - after everything we had gone through, I just felt very very judged. There was little to no trust left between us, she had spied on me without reason too many times. She had attacked me too many times. And the fact that the same person who ridiculed me for my strong stand with God, would turn to Him only when we were split up...well, that is just like human nature, isn't it?

I hate letting people down. I let Rachelle and Chelsea both down. And, by the time I HAD spent some time working on me and mine, it was too late, she wanted nothing to do with me, as I had hurt her several more times in between.

I guess I will never know how things would have turned out, if Melanie had not come into my life. On the one hand, she drove me away from Rachelle. On the other hand, she was the impetus for change in my inner life, making me beleive that God wanted to use me, and encouraging me to look within myself and find some good. And when Mel and I went our separate ways, I was forced to deal with all the things in me that I did not like (still am, I suppose).

Huh. Life...some wild ride it is, huh?

Yeah, some...wild...ride...