Spilled Soul

Something interesting happened to me tonight. A workmate was telling me that she had recently contacted MJ via telephone to congratulate her on the new baby girl, Amelia. (Amelia, it’s Hebrew meaning is “work of the Lord.”)

There was some stuff passed on, mainly Melanie’s continuing declaration that her “husband” is never there for her, that he is never at home and just leaves her on her own with the (now) three kids, and that she is miserably unhappy. (Same old stuff she always spouts; she never takes responsibility to change her own life for the better, though)

My name never came up. She only asked about one person here at work, another supervisor, the only person she still feels she can manipulate here; and she is right, she can manipulate that person – she has proven it time and time again, and others have done so as well.

As my workmate and I discussed, Melanie has always been about manipulating people and things around her. She is all about subtle control. She manipulates everything and everyone in her life. That is how she manages her fears (fears which she says she does not have).

The reason my name never came up, is she has changed the facts in her life to make me 'the bad guy'. She has manipulated the facts, and tried hard to manipulate those around her to believe the facts as she now sees them. She cannot ask about me, even if she wanted to (which I highly doubt she does), for to ask about me would destroy the façade she has built up where everything was my fault that happened between us. Pure, unfair manipulation. Thankfully, God is my judge, and He knows the truth.

Know what the amazing thing is? I still feel deeply for her, and about her. She still carries my heart with her; I just no longer believe that my love for her will ever be returned in this lifetime. She is incapable of it. I pray for her, that God saves her as He promised to, and that He changes her life for the better. And I also continue to pray that God does not allow me to see her, not ever, not unless He wishes for it to happen (God will not give me more than I can bear).

And I try to move on. Hurting still, but moving on, slowly and at my own pace. I’m doing things the only way that I know how, and praying for God’s strength and wisdom to see me through. I hope and believe that I am becoming more and more ready to have a real, and a really good, relationship with a nice Christian woman who loves God passionately. I think that I deserve a good safe happy loving relationship with somebody special, and I think that there is somebody out there who deserves having me in their life. I just wish that I knew where God was leading me. I wish I knew where my life was going, or at least had some small idea. My life has been a sucking whirlpool of aloneness for so long, I just tire of it. I want excitement, I want passion; Lord, I want to love again.

I am ready to live again. To live, to give, and to love. Lord, send it my way, and soon. Fulfill Your promise to me. Make me useful again.






Sometimes, you do not know what you are missing, because you never had it before. Then, when you do have it, and then lose it, you almost wish you had never experienced it, because the loss is so much greater than you can bear.

“I gave her my heart…and she gave me a pen.” – Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything

People get wrapped up in the thinking that I had a romantic, fairytale love for Melanie, and that I should 'grow up, get real, and move on'. People miss the point, they entirely miss the point…

The love I had for her, was not romantic, it was not a heart-love – I was truly in love with her SOUL, because I recognized it. Talking to her and getting to know her, was like getting slapped in the face with the realization that you have a twin that you never knew about. On the surface, we were quite different – but my soul recognized something in her, my spirit recognized her, and it was if I had always known her. It was her SOUL that I loved, and I could not help it. Still to this day, in spite of all my hurt, I STILL recognize her soul. Nothing has changed. I weep for her, because she needs Jesus. I miss her terribly. I wish that I could lay down my life, right here and now, and die for her. If my death would guarantee her salvation, I’d give my life without a second thought – can’t say as I’ve ever felt like THAT about anybody else before this!

I know I can’t have her. I realize that I cannot even be her friend. And I hate it. But I accept it. It is indescribable loss to me.

The reason I never want to see her again, is because I know that if I do, I will have to walk away. Walk away, when every fibre of my being screams not to. I have already had to walk away from her once, to protect myself from her manipulations; I do not jest when I say it almost cost me my sanity. I have never been closer to losing my mind. It has taken me ten months to get to a sane place again. To have to do that again, to have to PHYSICALLY walk away from her….it would kill me.

When I say she still has my heart, it is because I recognize her soul. I’ll never forget her soul. Her soul, I believe it is 'marked' – it belongs to God, she just does not know it yet. I cannot think badly about her, because I love her on a spiritual level. I no longer love her physically, mentally, or emotionally. But spiritually, I think I always will on that level. It can’t be helped.

I gave her my everything, because I was supposed to. I planted seeds, and I watered seeds planted by others. I did my job. Now, God will continue to do His. She WILL be saved. End of story.

For those of you who cannot understand what I say about her; I am sorry. Hopefully, God will lead me to a wonderful woman whom I fall madly in love with, and we will be very happy together. I know that it is possible. I’ve experienced love on a level I never thought I could, so I know it is out there…I’ve just never ever had it returned to me by someone else…



Green-Tinted Sixties Mind by Mr. Big

She just woke up, but she's still tired
Is that the telephone ringing?
The curtains can't hold back the light
That's reaching into her dreams
Down in her heart
If it had fingers, it'd be tearing it apart

You be lookin' groovy
In a sixties movie
Maybe tell the press you died
Little legend baby
Try your very best to hide
A green-tinted sixties mind


She keeps some memories locked away
But they are always escaping
Neglect won't make them fade away
They're reaching into her dreams
Down in her heart
Don't need fingers to be tearing it apart


Gotta face the day
There is no other way
To clear the fog inside your mind
Fill it up with dreams
But all that you can seem to find
A green-tinted sixties mind


Hangin' out with Janis
Movin' to Atlantis
Could've made it if you tried
What's the point of force
It's easy as a horse to ride
A green-tinted sixties mind


You be looking groovy
In a sixties movie
Maybe tell the press you died
Little legend baby
Try your very best to hide
A green-tinted sixties mind
-U can't hide-





And, a poem that I wrote tonight...



http://leplaunpoetree.blogspot.com/2009/08/improbable-drift.html