love is a comedic tragedy

Is it wrong for me to say here that I am still in love with my first wife? I have to admit, it always feels good to admit it. :)

Just spent time with her (and our daughter).

I don’t know why it is, but she inspires me so much. I find it funny, that when I spend time with her, when I leave I am always filled with this huge sense of how much God loves her, so much that it makes me grin and cry at the same time.

The only other person I have felt that sense of God’s love for (other than my daughter), is Melanie.

Rachelle, my second wife…as I have said before, I loved Rachelle. I liked Rachelle a lot. I appreciated her stability. I admired some of her traits. Plus, she was there, and she was available. I do not think either Rachelle or I needed each other all that much, I just think we needed “somebody”, and so we took a chance on each other.

I loved Rachelle. But I was never “in love” with her. Not in any way that really counted, anyways. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be. I knew I was supposed to be, and I wanted to be; so I “made myself” be in love with her. Funny thing about love – you cannot control it like that. Rachelle was a friend, and a roommate, who became a lover. But I was never really in love with her. I guess I was still ‘in love’ with somebody else…

Y’know how the Bible says that the people need to come back to their first love, meaning God? And y’know how the Bible says to train a child up in the way that he should go and he will not depart from it? I believe there is an unexplored Biblical principle therein. See, I believe that when a heart is young, when you train that heart to love at first, that love never departs from it. In a sense, because Shiray was my first love, she will never be out of my heart. And I am okay with that.

Hey, when I say I love my first wife, I am not talking about romantic mushy feelings and kiss-on-the-lips type stuff. There has not been that kind of love between us in many a year. That just isn’t there. It would be totally inappropriate to even think about having that sort of love right now. So I won’t go there. Now, three or four or five or more years down the road, if the opportunity came up between us, would I consider it then; sure I would. But until that far off (if ever) day, I can say that I love her without having to worry about it being misconstrued like that.

To me, Shiray is many things. She is like a mommy. I still remember the many times she took care of me (in her own way, she still does!), and to this day a word of encouragement from her (or a hug) goes a long long way towards making me feel invincible and not-alone. She is like a sister. She may tease me at times, but she does admire who I am, and for the most part she has been around to see me grow up in life. She knows where I am came from and what I have accomplished, and besides which she is also my sister in Christ. She is like a lover. Well, she is a former lover, obviously, but she is also a lover of the real me. To be bluntly honest, I do not think anybody else in life has ever taken the time to get to know me that she has. And, go figure, she still likes me! Wow. And lastly, she is like little girl. I see her, and she does such silly things, and she makes my face smile and my heart leap. Truly, she is a wonder to behold. So, yes indeed, she is my Mother, Sister, Lover, and my Little Girl. (Can you tell I have been listening to Mr. Big songs lately?)

I am so proud of Shiray. I know where she has come from. I support her in the battles she has gone through, and is still going through. Because, you see, I have the inside track, I know how her race is going to turn out, and I know that she comes in as a winner, as a champion, as an over-comer. I am so very proud of what she has accomplished in her life. I know she has been hurt many times (and I sorrow over the fact that I have been one of the ones to hurt her), and yet she has picked herself up and trudged on. It wasn’t easy, but she has done it. And it shows in her strength of character. She has strength that she does not even know is there. She is an encouragement to me, she is both an anchor to hold on to in the storm, and also somebody who gives me strength to encourage her and believe for God’s very best for her.

So, yes, I am in love with my first wife still. Does anybody think that is alright? But really, what is not to love?


"Just take my heart when you go
I don't have the need for it anymore
I'll always love you, but you're too hard to hold
Just take my heart when you go"

Here's lookin' at you, kiddo. You're still number one in my books!