My House Rules 1

My Guidelines To Being A Hermit:

Rule # 1 -

Don't Expect Too Much Of Yourself

When living life alone, don't expect too much of yourself!

Any day that you get out of bed, shower, get dressed, and eat something, is a good day.

("Alright! I had a good day today!")

Another way to think of this rule, is like this;

Procrastination - who cares, except you?

You know those "to do lists" that we all make up, whether in our heads or on paper? Well, when you live life alone, it doesn't really matter one iota whether or not you do those things today, tomorrow, or next week! The only person depending on you, is you! So, make procrastination fun, like a game! Enjoy putting things off...why shouldn't you?

soul ache

“blind I suffer, knowing I’ll never reach your heaven,
It’s unattainable.
Please teach me how to dream,
I long to be more than a machine”


from “Sentient 6” by Nevermore

Deaf-Ignition

Jaded

Worn out, wearied, or lacking enthusiasm; exhausted; Cynically insensitive; made callous by experience.

Soul-Death

There was once a time that I knew what I wanted out of life.

During this time, I had a sense of purpose. I felt useful. I felt alive. I felt needed. That is what that sense of purpose gave to me; it gave me life. It awakened me, and shot my faith to record heights.

It was the best few months of my life.


When that sense of purpose left…when I lost the ability to get what I wanted out of life…I died inside.

I realize now that I have lost the emotional ability to love.

I have no love in my life. I have no joy, no peace, no security, and no faith. I lost everything.

I had in front of me a map of my life that I wanted so badly to follow, one that felt so right. I felt such a sense of destiny. There was a greater purpose, the ability to give, to teach, to reach out, to truly love.

Now, all I have is me. Just a floundering self. The waves of life crash over me day by day, hour by hour, second by second. The best that I can do, on my good days, is ignore them. On those other days, those not-so-good days, they kill me again and again.

What is love? What is peace? What is joy? What is security? What is faith? What is destiny? What is purpose? What is life?

My sense of self is skewed.

The only reprieve I have from my confusion, is when I feel frustrated. I numb myself to survive.

I do not know how to hear from God. Once, I thought I knew, I thought I knew very well. Then, darkness, and death of plans and future. Now, the light that shone on my path, I cannot see through the blindfold of the mess that is my life right now.

The only thing that I truly know, is that I do not know or understand anything. That seems to be my one constant.

That, and I hate my life, I hate the way it is right now. I hate that I lost what I once had; the one thing that I had searched for my whole life and finally found, it was ripped from me.

And I do not understand the “why”.

I know I messed up somewhere. I know it is my fault; it must be. But I still cannot see clearly what it is that I did, or how I get back to where I was right.

If love is a good thing, if having love to give and giving it out of a good heart is something that should happen, then why was it stolen from me?

Why get my hopes up, only to have everything that was good be ripped away from me?



“Labelled sick but I’m just a man
Everyone I love has left me for dead”
- Nevermore, “Next In Line”


Wouldn’t I have been better never to know what love is, if I had to lose it right after?


“To see the last survivor fall
To see their bastards sons against the wall
To see the emptiness as we decay
I see the world is dead, I am betrayed
Dead heart in a dead world
Dead heart in a dead world
This rotten hole that I call home bled dry again
This lesion marked upon my soul
Left an empty hanging man
Across the fields, into the sea
To find the light from within
Out of this lake I've tried to crawl
I think I'm there and then again I fall
Again I fall
Burn your gods and kill the king
Subjugate your suffering
Dead heart, in a dead world
We must remember wounds so deep
take time to heal
and sometimes though we struggle still
life seems surreal
Emotions turned to cold dead wood
Can still have life once more
The door that slammed upon your heart
Torn away, torn away
Burn your gods and kill the king
Subjugate your suffering
Dead heart, in a dead world
Burn your gods and kill the king
Subjugate your suffering
Dead heart, in a dead world
Dead heart, in a dead world”
- Nevermore, “Dead Heart In A Dead World”



Think that a soul cannot die?

I am here to tell you that if they can't, then they sure can be beaten to within an inch of their life. I know.

And...Then?

And when you are all alone, when you feel utterly deserted and empty and meaningless and unloved; what do you do then?



The last few days, I have been realizing that for the most part, I am becoming okay with being by myself. Just trying to enjoy my life as it is; quiet, and alone. As long as I have a few friends, I am okay not being in a relationship with somebody.

Now, today, I think I am realizing that maybe it is better not to have any friends, either. No chance of pain or hurt or disappointment, if you just do not bother to share your life with anybody.

Because, in the end, people suck. We all do. All of us. We are unreliable, selfish, and untrustworthy. We are full of anger, greed, self-love and self-loathing, lust, deceit, laziness, and just plain mean-spiritedness. We cannot be trusted, and we cannot be relied upon. We take when we should give, and we leave when we should stay. We make bad choice after bad choice, and we never really learn from our mistakes. We stay when we should leave, curse when we should praise, and lash out when we are afraid. We are angry, confused, lonely, selfish, hurt, and scared. And that seems to be our natural state.

I myself am bad enough as a human being. Why surround myself with those who are just as poorly off as I am? Why set ourselves up for not only our own failures, but the failures of those around us too? Why bother? We cannot even love ourselves, so why think we can love others, or be loved by others?



You know what I do? You know what I do, when I am all alone, when I feel utterly deserted and empty and meaningless and unloved? You know what I do? Here is what I do…

I pretend I am on a deserted island; and I type. I type, I blog, and I treat these words like they are messages being sent out on the waves in a bottle. When I get to this state in my life, I write. And when I am done writing...I mope for a while. I sink down into the depths of the sea and stay there as long as I can, until the waves spit me out and deposit me back on my desert isle. Then I try to get a good night’s sleep, and I get up the next day and drag myself along, trying to find hope and faith that one day God will be able to change me into something better than I am. Because, at the end of each day, and again at the beginning of each day, that is the only hope that I have that matters.

Nothing else matters, nothing else but God. My circumstances do not matter. My pain does not matter. The shambles my life is in does not matter. My state of mind does not matter, my emotions do not matter. My finances do not matter. My job does not matter. Nothing matters, except that God finds me searching for Him desperately, and He changes me into something better than what I am right now.

Without that, all i have is a deserted island. Deserted of everything, including myself.

devos

Good stuff from my two devotionals this morning…



Keys to A Glad Heart

Isaiah 6:3 – One cried to another and said: “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is full of His glory!"

Isaiah was overcome with awe at the wonders he beheld in his vision. He saw the Lord, sitting on a throne with a train that filled the entire temple and surrounded by seraphim with six majestic wings. It was a sight he never forgot, and it is a picture of the aew we experience when we get a glimpse of our holy, righteous, loving God.

Carole Mayball in her book When God Whispers takes a look at how this awe translates into everyday living:

What makes a person old at twenty and keeps another young at eighty? I think it is that sense of wonder – the insatiable curiosity and delight concerning God, the world, and people. Solomon, for all his wisdom, was jaded. When I read the book of Ecclesiastes, I see that he had too much of everything…
For the wisest man of earth, Solomon was kind of dumb! He knew great truth…But apparently knowing that and experiencing it were two different things for Solomon…We Christ-ones know the keys to having a glad heart. They are spelled out for us clearly…
Enjoy what we have (enabled by God) as we accept our “lot” – which means accepting whatever “portion and cup” (Psalm 16:5) God has given. If we do that we won’t feel guilty if we “have” or cheated if we “have not.”
…Live in the present with each moment being lived “to the hilt” and let God keep us occupied with gladness of heart.

Lord, make me thankful for what I have. Make me accepting of my lot in life. Let me live each moment and savour it with gladness of heart.




God’s Goal In Speaking

Isaiah 52:10 – The Lord has made bare His holy arm in the eyes of all the nations; and all the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God.

When God speaks to us, He has these goals in mind:

He wants us to understand His truth. God has written the Bible in such a way that we cannot read through it and think we know everything about Him. The more you read God’s Word, the more He reveals Himself to you. The more He reveals, the more you will understand His will for your life.

He seeks to conform us to the image of Jesus Christ. God wants us to take His truth and apply it to our lives. As we do, He molds us and conforms us to the likeness of His Son. Jesus is our example. In Him we discover we are wonderfully accepted and loved.

He wants us to communicate His truth to others. As we grow in Christ, God empowers us to teach others about Him. He may not call you to be a pastor or missionary, but He calls each of us to share His love with others. Our communication does not begin and end with words. It goes much deeper to our attitudes, values, convictions, and desires. What does your life say to others about Christ? Do they see a God who loves, forgives, and encourages all people?

Father God, help me to understand Your truth. I want to be conformed to the image of Your Son, Jesus Christ. I want to communicate Your truth to others.

Dead!

Kenny MacLean, bassist for Platinum Blonde, found dead in his apartment.

Rest in piece, Kenny. Your music inspired me. I hope you found what you needed out of life.

b l

I find these lyrics to be beautiful...don't you?



The Smithereens - Only A Memory


My mind is filled with thoughts of you
I think about the days of two
I search the room but you're not there
Your perfume lingers everywhere
But it's

Only a memory
Of what our love was going to be
Only a memory
Broken bits of you and me
Only a memory
Only a memory

In a world of pain I have no peer
You fade away and disappear
And no I have to learn the game
Where no one wins or takes the blame
But it's

Only a memory
Of what our love was going to be
Only a memory
Now that we are history
Only a memory
Only a memory

But it's
Only a memory
Of what our love was going to be
Only a memory
Broken bits of you and me
Only a memory
Only a memory

Why should it matter if I cry
I sit around and wonder why
Now I feel much too weak to live
And I've got nothing left to give
Now it's

Only a memory
Of what our love was going to be
Only a memory
Broken bits of you and me
Only a memory
Only a memory
Only a memory

Promise

Life is tough. But God promises to never leave us or forsake us, and God's love is so much bigger than any of our problems.


Guardian – Livin’ For The Promise


The seasons of my life
They come and go
Circumstances change
Just like the wind blows
Looking for assurance
To get me through
And down through the centuries
I know it’s been You

Just when I was in need
You poured it out overflowing
Just when I needed someone
To listen
You were there

I’m livin’ for the promise
Hold on to what’s Divine
I’m livin’ for the promise
On You I can rely

When my world came crashin’ in
I was broken
You showed me Your world
And we became friends
I dreamed that all my sorrow
Was null and void
And You came in my life
And gave me joy

Just when I was in need
You poured it out overflowing
Just when I needed someone to listen
You were there
Just when I was in need
You poured it out overflowing
Now I know Your love never fails
‘Cause You care
You’re always there
I’m livin’ for the promise

I’m livin’ for the promise
Hold on to what’s Divine
I’m livin’ for the promise
On You I can rely

memoirs from above

From my devotionals…

How can you discern the truth? John says in 1st John 2:20-21 and 24, “You have an anointing from the Holy One, and you all know. I have not written to you because you do not know the truth, but because you do know it, and because no lie is of the truth…As for you, let that abide in you which you heard from the beginning.”

You have the direction of the Holy Spirit and God’s unchanging Word. Nothing God says will ever contradict His Word. When you rely on this truth as the test of accuracy, you will not be swept away by error.




Jesus wants us to see Him as our only Source of help in every situation.

In Mathew chapter 8, the leper told Jesus, “If You are willing, You can make me clean.” Those words of tremendous faith were spoken by a man who did not doubt God’s ability but feared that somehow he might be overlooked.

Perhaps you have suffered for a long time. Jesus can heal your infirmity. He may choose to do so completely, or He may change the circumstances so that you can find peace and rest in your suffering. Don’t let the Saviour pass by. Step forward in worship, and allow Him to work in your life.




The Holy Spirit is actually the One who takes the words of the printed page of God’s Word and reveals the meaning to your heart and mind. He uses many human “tools” as aids in the process, including pastors, teachers, and your personal traits. But without the Spirit, the words would remain just that – words.

If you’ve ever avoided a difficult passage because you feel you won’t understand it, don’t turn away. God promises to enlighten your heart (1st Cor. 2:14). You are the intended recipient of every meaningful word.

Few-Ture

Who knows what the future holds?

Not I!

The future; an empty canvas of endless possibilities.

Who can say what will be painted on it?

I am trying to look at my future possibilities as a good thing. I may get what i want, or I may not. Could be that what i do get, i will enjoy much better than anything i could have imagined.

My God is like that. A Master Painter.

The future - let it be good.

Understanding Love

At its heart, love is all about giving.

Love is not about getting.

Love is also not about giving so that you can get.

Love is not something to be sought for, or something to be acquired or found.

Love is something you give, and you give it because you HAVE it to give.

Love is something within you, something you must find within yourself, and then give away to somebody who needs it.

When that person also has love within themselves, and gives it back to you, we call that “being in love.”

Anything else is something other than love.

I gave love. But it wasn’t well received, because the person I gave it to did not have love within themselves, or for themselves. Therefore, they could not give love back.

Eventually, it becomes impossible to “be in love” under those circumstances. You can care for somebody, and you can care about somebody, you can have love for them…but until you find another whole person who is willing to share love with you out of that wholeness, there is no loving relationship.

As a Christian, to expect somebody who does not know Christ to be able to give love, is unrealistic. They can try, but the love they have within themselves is fragmentary. They have never accepted the life-giving love of Christ within them, therefore they have never been filled with God’s love, so they do not know what real love is.

That is why God’s Word cautions us about being unequally yoked to an unbeliever. In the end, they are unable to meet us halfway; they just simply cannot, it is impossible for them. We will expend a lot of love and energy towards them, but if they do not find God and His love for them…eventually we will have to accept the fact that we cannot partner with them. No matter how much we want to, no matter how much we genuinely care for them…they will exhaust us in time. And an exhausted Christian is ripe for the picking to be caught up more in the world than in God, to slip away from our chosen path, to compromise and grow cold in our loving devotion to God.

Love is something you give, and you give it because you HAVE it to give. And only those who know Love (from above), have real love to give.

New poem posted here!
Enjoy!

http://leplaunpoetree.blogspot.com/2008_11_21_archive.html

Lost In The Word

Another quote from the first season of Lost…

“We all have setbacks. We’ll start over.”

I’m gonna have to write a book soon; “All That I Learned In Life, I learned From Lost.” LOL.

Actually, I am gonna have to go and buy season 2 now, cuz I just finished season one. Man oh man, I hate cliff-hanger endings!

Okay, on to something else…I am reprinting here my two devotionals from today, as they really spoke to me a lot. I asked God to speak to me and give me comfort and direction this morning, and I believe He really did speak to me through these two devotionals…


The Quest For Intimacy

To experience genuine intimacy with Christ, you must be willing to lay down your love for the things of this world. This doesn’t mean giving up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But it does mean your desire for God and His fellowship exceeds your friendship with the world. God wants to bless you, yet blessings must never become what you seek above the Blesser.

A.W. Tozer commented on the quest for intimacy:
There can be no doubt that this possessive clinging to things is one of the most harmful habits in the Christian life. Because it is so natural, it is rarely recognized for the evil that it is. But its outworkings are tragic.
We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety. This is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need to have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which is so committed.

The rich young ruler found in Jesus what he had been looking for all his life (Matt. 19:16-22). However, in his heart his material possessions outweighed the need to follow Christ.

You may have given yourself to the Lord, but have you laid aside your love and desire for the world’s riches? The greatest obstacle to knowing God is self-love. Make sure you don’t fall prey to it.



Failing To Listen To God

Imagine you are driving along a narrow two-lane road, and you come upon a warning sign. The sign warns of possible rock slides ahead, and a detour sign points to a good alternate route. Would you ignore the warning sign and drive on?

King David ignored many of God’s warning signs along his path, and he plunged deeper and deeper into sin (2 Sam. 11:1-12:13). He knew that the Lord did not approve of lust, adultery, or murder. But one sin led to another as David deliberately ignored his conscience, which God uses to remind us of His truth.

David had done such a remarkable job of not listening to God that God had to use the bold voice of the prophet Nathan. Perhaps David was puzzled as Nathan began to tell him a story about a poor man’s pet lamb. At the end of the tale, David still did not hear God’s message. Nathan had to spell it out for him: “You are the man!” He then recounted everything David had done and how the Lord felt about his sin.

When David’s ears finally heard the truth, he repented immediately. David said, “I have sinned against the Lord.” And Nathan said to David, “The Lord also has taken away your sin; you shall not die” (2 Sam. 12:13).

If you have been turning a deaf ear to what the Lord has been trying to tell you, it is never too late to ask forgiveness and travel on His road.





It is interesting. A few weeks back or so, I had a dream about a rock slide. I was convinced it was a spiritual dream, but I did not understand it. I asked for interpretation, and it was given; God was warning me that my life was in a danger zone, because of a woman.

I heeded the warning. It was not easy, it was not what I wanted to hear from God, nor was it what I wanted to do. But I obeyed God. I allowed God to show me what I had previously been unwilling to hear; I was sinning in my heart against God, by being in love with somebody in direct opposition to God’s Word and to God’s plan for my life. Even though it felt right to me, even though I was lifting the situation up to God in prayer day after day, still I was in the wrong, and I was sinning.

God is a forgiving God, when we turn away from what we know is wrong and repent and ask forgiveness and change our ways and actions and thoughts. He forgives us, but we still have to live with the consequences of our sin, which we bring upon ourselves. But, we are forgiven, and we have a chance to move on, on the right path for our lives.

“We all have setbacks. We’ll start over.”


Thanks be to God for His grace, His mercy, and His love. And for His warning signs, whether they are heeded or not. God is good, because God is true love.

Following God never brings us pain. Turning away from our sins, having to acknowledge that we have been in the wrong, that can bring us pain. So too will the consequences of our sins bring us pain, sometimes even after we have turned back to the right path. But God will never bring us pain. God's ways are good.

If we are experiencing great pain in life, it is usually because we are pulling against God, and trying to control things and do them our way, the way that we think they should be or should turn out.

Thanks be to our Saviour, we can start over.

So Lost, so free

Lately, I have passed my time watching the first season of the television show Lost on DVD.

I actually bought this in March, but had not got around to watching it until now.

In episode 5 or 6, one of the characters leads another back to his faith in God, and the episode ends with her praying with him. I thought that was pretty cool!

Even cooler was a line she used just a bit earlier. She was talking about her husband, who had not been found after the plane crash, and who she believes is still alive. The line goes like this; “There is a thin line between faith and denial.”

That made me think quite a bit.

My faith that she and I were going to work out and be together…all the signs were there that it WASN’T going to happen. I ignored them, and called that "faith." In the end, I had to come to the realization that I was just in denial. What I wanted to happen, what I wanted more than anything else, was not coming true. Praying for something, and believing for it, even believing (and feeling) that it is RIGHT, doesn’t make it so. God will only give us what He says is right. And He will not go against His Word; He cannot do that, not ever.

Sometimes, we want God to speak to us in a booming voice, to tell us when we are doing wrong. Not hearing that, we beleive that we must therefore be correct. Too often, we miss the still small voice of the Holy Spirit, because we are only listening for what we WANT to hear. So we continue on in error, and we get hurt.

There is a thin line between faith and denial. I now know that I was in denial.

I am not anymore. Unless God changes that situation, so that it lines up with His Word, and unless He blesses it and wants it, He will not allow it to happen. It isn’t good for me.

Even though I still miss her immensely, even though I still sometimes wonder how I could have made things turn out differently, even though I feel very alone at times and betrayed yet again by love, even though I am hurting – still, still I am thankful that God awoke me to the truth, before things proceeded any further, before I made yet more large mistakes that would have hurt me.

Life is tough. Not getting what you want and desire, that is hard to deal with. But, that is life; that is my life. And that is better than having to deal with the consequences of continuing on in wrong thinking, and screwing up my life even more because of that.

God knows what is best for me; my job is not to fight Him, but to serve Him and say “Yes, Lord.”

Even when it hurts.

You shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall set you free.

The Cost of Time Travel

Do you have to know how to give love before you can receive love, or do you have to be able to receive love before you can give love?

When I consider my life, I realize that I am not that much different after all from others that I know; I am just another lonely soul who does not know what love is.

I find that I tend to fight to be in control of my emotions, to rule over them. I guess that I figure that it is better to be in control of something, rather than to feel like I am out of control, like life is beyond my control. Like most other people in this world, my life boils down to a power struggle; I fight for control of the uncontrollable. And I generally lose. Pretty much every time. But I go on fighting. I fight for control, because it is all that I know. Doesn’t matter that it doesn’t work. Doesn’t matter that I fail. Doesn’t matter that there must be a better way than this. I just struggle on.

Back around the mountain again. 40 years of desert traveling, until I die. When will I learn?

truth hurts

True fact -

Marriages are the only life sentence where you can get parole for bad behaviour.

I Likey!

I like this old post of mine that i stumbled across recently. Check it out and see why!

http://dreaming-of-leprechauns.blogspot.com/2006/09/why-fantasy.html

Virtual Tour

Mom and Dad

I was going to post a virtual tour of my apartment here, but the files are just too big for my post to handle.
Instead, i will burn them to disc, and bring them by next time I come over and you can watch them.

No Love, Dreams, and Sucking

Maybe I was wrong and she never did love me.

Maybe when I accused her, many months ago, of playing a game with my heart…maybe I was right back then. Oh, of course she refused to listen to my accusations. Anytime I got too close, made her too uncomfortable by talking about her, she always found a way to trot out a whole book of excuses to explain her actions in ways that she could handle. So, we never ever got to have discussions about these type of things – no matter how nicely I could question her motives or her actions (let alone her feelings), she always turned the tables immediately and refused to accept responsibility, refused to accept that any of my thoughts or wonderings about her were true.

And so I go, around and around the mountain again. There is so much, Lord, so much that I just do not understand.

And, she has left me on such unstable ground! Because the more that I question whether or not she really ever loved me, the more I question whether I am truly lovable at all…

No, I am not having a pity party. But, what I AM doing, is trying to sort out my heart and my head.

The longer I am away from her, the more I believe that I am better off staying far away from her.

But it is also true, that the more that I think she may never have loved me but just been playing a dangerous game with my heart, the more that I wonder…why do people not love me?

Yeah, I know…it is a stupid question, and one designed to get me down on myself. I know that, I know.

But, if I love those, passionately, who do not really love me back, then what character flaw does that reveal in me?

Thoughts…sometimes, I hate having them.
Of course, the alternative is NOT thinking, which means being dead.
Hmm…so, I guess me and my thoughts will just have to live with each other, then, won’t we?

Life is weird. I had a brief dream about her last night. It wasn’t a pleasant dream. In my dream, I ran into her, and it was REALLY awkward. Nothing to say to each other, really. Maybe even my dreams are trying to show me something?

Hearts suck. Loving people sucks. People suck.

I guess I suck, too!