The Colours

Being in love is like wearing rainbow coloured glasses. It colours your perceptions.

Certain things I am starting to realize, that I never could before. In some ways, I wish I did not have to face these things; but I do.

Someone told me early in our friendship that she has a real problem with disappointing people, she hates to do it. She doesn’t like to hurt people.

She was too kind to me. When she told me she didn’t want me to be in love with her, she was not forceful enough in how she put it to me. She was being too nice, being worried about hurting me. I wish now that she had been firmer. It would have saved a lot of pain for both of us.

All she wanted was my friendship. But I was convinced that we were supposed to be together at some point. I couldn’t let go. She already had.

I didn’t get the message, because I was seeing things all wrong.

It was too easy for me to fall in love. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I did definitely fall for her. I fell hard. But, after the ending of a long-term relationship, I was very open emotionally. I shared my feelings very easy, and I wanted somebody to be my sounding board. And that was what she was. I also found in her somebody who needed someone to believe in her, and I was that for her. But I should have known that my newfound openness was making it very easy for me to fall in love…

In the end, she was never able to tell me how much it bothered her that I continued to believe we were meant to be together, how much it bothered her that I continued to love her when all she wanted was a friend. She didn’t really want help in her life’s situations, because she may have complained long and hard about her life but she had no real intention of changing her life. My insisting that she should, merely put unwanted pressure on her. It did not help me that she kept insisting that she WAS going to make changes in her life…it kept giving me hope. Hope that never should have been there.

She made her mistakes. I made even more.

I wanted her to love me. I told her that i would eventually wear her down. And, i beleive i would have, if her life situation had been different. I think she knew that too. But her life was organized in such a way, that it was just impossible for it to happen without major changes.

Not only that, but i knew some things about her; i knew that she had never really been loved before, she had never been loved just for who she was. Well, she was when it came to me. But, it was too little too late. She didn't know what love was, and she didn't beleive that she deserved to be loved. That made things pretty tough, because it meant she would never change her life. She would stay in the situation that she was in, because she never really beleived that she was worth being treated better.

I know that i deserve love. And, one day, God willing, i will find it. And it will be glorious. I am just sorry that my blindness cost me a good friend, and i pray that God saves her soul and changes her from within. And that He forgives me. And hopefully one day she will too.

It is funny, how until you view the dead body laying in the casket, that you aren’t able to take those glasses off and see clearly. By then, of course, it is too late.

So, where does that leave me?

Quite honestly, I do not know…