Updating My Life

Love is a powerful emotion.

But the heart can be deceitful, and should not always be trusted. It has a tendency to overpower all your other senses, leaving you blind to reason.

Love is a beautiful thing, but it can also be a poison-dripping dagger.

This year, I fell in love. But, she was wrong for me. I did not listen to my head, only to my heart.

The lessons that I have learned lately have broken my heart. I feel crushed.

I also lost my sanity.

Now, I feel terribly alone. If not for my faith in God, I do not think I would still be able to stand up at all.

It has been that bad for me. My life is a shambles. Only my spiritual self, only my soul and my fellowship with God has lived through this; the rest of me has died.

In the end, I should have known better. She was not meant for me. I know that now. Now, I know that.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

And now, now it is truly over. It must be over, as now I feel that I can write about it here. And, indeed, I feel I NEED to write about it here, to get off of my chest how my life has changed.

Right now, I find myself so very ALONE.

I know that I am a good person. I know that I am capable of loving a woman and treating her right. I have learned that this year.

I also know that, in spite of that, I am alone. And I am feeling it; alone. Eternal, soul-aching aloneness. Emptiness of joy and mirth and belief and vision for my life. Nobody to share with, no one to share my joys and triumphs, my walk with God, my hard times, nobody to share life with.

This is not a good time for me.

I want to share my life with a special woman. I NEED to.

And soon.

But yet, I find myself alone, again.

Just me and my Creator.

At least I have God. At least I have a God Who has promised that He has somebody for me.

Lord, I am so tired of being alone!

I am so lonely…

So empty…

So alone.

And I am feeling it, feeling it deeply right now, an ache in my bones, an ache in my heart, an ache in my spirit.

I cannot go on like this forever, Lord. Be merciful and send me somebody. Somebody right for me. Somebody You approve of. Please be merciful and send her to me soon. A life lived alone is no life at all. I was not made to be alone...so please do not leave me here. I know, Lord, that You are here with me, and I thank You for that. But I need somebody to partner with, another life to give into, another to share life with.

Being alone is not good, not good at all. And, realistically, i have been alone for so long now...

As DC Talk sings (in "Supernatural")..
I need an intervention
A touch of providence
It goes beyond religion
To my very circumstance

God, You have taught me so much through all of this, and You have stood by me and propped me up when I deserved nothing more than to fall down on the ground dead. You have been more than faithful; You have been my all.

All I need is You, it is true. Yet, it is also true that You have made me to desire human companionship, partnership, and earthly love. Do not let these God-given desires go unfulfilled. Do not let my heart grow bitter and disillusioned. Keep my heart soft and tender towards You and towards others. And send me, in Your love and mercy and grace, that one woman who will understand me, accept me, and tenderly love me as no other can. And, in turn, I will commit to her very best in life, to constantly uphold her before You, to lead her into all good things that You provide, and to never leave her or forsake her. Perhaps, Lord, that last is the thing I still need to learn in relationships; yet, without being in one, how can I learn it?


Lord, You are good. You are a good God, and Your love endures forever. Help me to be able to share that love with another. I know that I am capable of it; this last year has taught me that. Give me that chance, Lord, give me that chance. I will not let You down!