Heart Troubles

I do not know where my heart is today.

But wherever it is, it is hurting.

The Bible says "Hope deferred makes a heart grow sick."

I can attest to that.

I am tired of being the "nice guy" that nobody picks. I am tired of giving my heart, and being rejected day after day. I am tired of feeling not good enough, not manly enough, and just not right.

I do not know today if i want to cry, or scream.

What is wrong with me, God? Why am i never good enough for anybody else? Why am i always rejected by those i care for? Why am i misunderstood? Why am i shoved aside? Why is my love, my heart, my life, never enough?

Why must i always lose, always be the loser? Even when i do things Your way, still i feel like i lose. Why?

How much heartache and pain can one man take in a lifetime? And why do i have to be the man who finds out?

When will i ever "win"? When will i ever come out on top, be on the victorious side? How come, even when I feel that You are fighting for me, I still lose out on the blessings that i so desire? Why is everything good in my life taken from me, why does it all slip through my fingers like grains of sand?

Why do i always have the questions, but never the answers that i seek? Is this really all there is to my life? Heartache, pain, frustration, and hurt? Is that all there is? Even when i follow You, that is all there is?

I don't know where my heart is anymore, but it is growing sick and bitter...