this valley

"Sorrow is not a raven perched persistently above a chamber door. Sorrow is a thing with teeth, and while in time it retreats, it comes back at the whisper of its name."
- Dean Koontz, "The Good Guy"


Purpose.

Once you have lived your life with a purpose, it is difficult to live without it. And, if you are forced into it, all you feel is dead rather than alive. Walking dead.


Purpose.

It is why women delight in being called mothers. Being a mom gives them a sense of purpose; ties them to another being, giving every action and breath meaning. All a mom does affects the life of their child. They find purpose.

I've lived most of my life without purpose. Without feeling important. Without mattering. Walking dead.

Sometimes you can find a flase sense of purpose in a new relationship. You love, your heart swells, you feel alive. It doesn't last, though, becuz it is not/real purpose.

Two and a half yrs ago, I found purpose. That feeling lasted about a year, roughly. Since then, death. Since then, my soul has been all-but-dead. No purpose. No sense of importance to others. Purposelessness, once realized, has teeth like a pit-bull; it bites hard, and does not let go. You wake up each morning, knowing you are dead. You dream thru your days, and you thrash thru your nights. Nothing satisfies. Becuz you have no purpose.

I do not enjoy feelibg this way. I don't choose to feel like this. It just is.

I found my purpose. Then, I lost it. I wish I had never found it, then losing it wouldn't feel so bad. It is much better to not know that you are dead.


Somehow, before in my life, God has always known when I most need a dose of excitement, a change in life, somebody to believe in me.

I have been desperately paying for divine intervention in my life. I prophesied over myself, that this was to be my year, a year of blessing.

Instead, everything that can go wrong (almost), has.

I don't like that.

I am incapable of making changes to my lige to save myself from myself. I need big-time divine intervention. It is time for God to take control. I'm tired of fighting to keep the wolves at bayn trying to keep my sanituy, tryting to escape the soul_chilling sense of eternal weariness.

I need excitement, passion, Purpose.

Lord, send it to me. Lead me where only You can. Give me back my Purpose. I cannot live any longer without it.

As a Christian man who recalls being 12 and asking God to use me, no matter what; when it comes to earthly, natural love, I need more. My sense of Purpose, at its heart, is more about how I see God. Last time I fell in love. I learned to see God and His love thru another's eyes. Every time I gazed at her r thought of her, I was flooded with an intense awareness of GodKs love for her. It was so big, so powerful, so overwhelming, that it HURT. Iit was...wonderful. I learned so much about Who God is, by loving her.


At some point, I just cannot live without earthly love. I am reaching my breaking point for lovelessness - I need to fall, and to give of all that I am. But, I will not accept less than what I have already had. After all that I have gained from the three times I have been in love in my life, I refuse to accept a relationship that does not offer more than each of the others has. I want the best that God has to offer me; I refuse to settle.

Onme way or another, God have mercy, and give me back my sense of Purpose, or take me hpme.