Heart-Plummet, Free Fall Stomach

At work tonight, I saw somebody. Somebody I did NOT want to see; Melanie.

She, of course, did not see me. But I definitely saw her. Laughing. Having fun. Scheming. Walking around in MY WORKPLACE, where she almost ruined me, acting like she belongs here.

I am calmer now. Then, not so much. My heart fell into my shoes. I instantly wanted to throw up. Then I got angry, very angry.

I could say a lot, but I won't say very much right now. I am not ready to yet.

Truthfully, I was not ready to see her. Even just to "see" her...I wasn't ready. I have prayed, oh so often i have prayed, that God would not let me see her or bump into her, not ever, not unless it was His will. So, what do I then take out of this sighting of her, and my reaction to it? How do I categorize this, other than by saying "more painful than I can express"? Was God not able to answer my prayer? Did God choose to have me see her, for a reason, or was this just chance rearing its ugly head? What was the reason? What does God want to work in me through this?

So many questions. One thing I know...on the way to work, i put my favourite worship CD, Worship In The Waiting by FFH, into my car stereo. I haven't listened to it in quite some time, but felt compelled to do so today. This is the CD that God used to get me through the hard times (the hardest times my life has ever had) with Melanie. The fact that God had me put that CD into my stereo today, and that it was on God Of Promise when I drove home...that was no fluke. God knew, and God prepared. He smoothed my way somewhat.

My reaction to her, however, tells me that as much healing as I thought I had gone through, I really have a lot more to go yet...

Why, Lord? Why so much deep-down pain over this one woman? What did she do to me, and how, and why?

The older I get, the less I understand, and the more I admit it.

God, be merciful to me, and heal me.