Changing Life Directions

Some random thoughts and stuff.

A few hours ago or so, I was thinking about all of the work that we put into our home renovations this past summer. As the weather turns chill and the leaves all fall to the ground, I am forced to come to a sad realization; it was all pointless.

Making a life of ease was not, is not, and will never be, brought about by what you spend your money on (or how much of it you earn, or borrow). A life worth living is a life of contentment that does not come through material possessions. It is the contentment that you get from having all your relationships in good order – your relationship with God, your relationship with your spouse, your relationship with your children, your relationship with your parents and siblings and family of origin, your relationship with your church and your community, your relationship with your friends and your neighbours and your work peers. Having those relationships in proper working alignment, starting with God and working your way down, is the path to a life of contentment.

I have come to realize that, just like my home renovations, I must also come to grips with where my time and energy has been spent (and mis-spent) over the last few years. And I know that my relationship (my fellowship) with God has really suffered as I have spent my time and energy on other distractions, and all of my other relationships have suffered as well. Just recently my wife had a heartfelt talk with (to) me, where she expressed some frustrations with me and asked me to “step up to the plate” and meet her where she needed me to meet her, especially on an emotional level.

Just a few days after that talk, the new household computer arrived. And I got pretty involved in that, let me tell you! It took me days to put it together, set it all up, transfer the information between the old computer and the new one, begin to learn to use the new computer, and install old programs on the new computer. Whew! – Just talking about it takes a lot out of me!

But here’s the thing…I got really distracted. I poured myself into the new computer, as I wanted to get it all running just right for us. And my attitude suffered greatly. I hardly slept at all for a few days. There was a few spans of time there where I focussed on God while I was working on the new computer, and that enabled me to stay in a good mood and right frame of mind for those moments. But, for the most part, I was tired and grumpy and snarly and distracted. I wasn’t fun to be around, my mind and attention were elsewhere.

I am sure by now that you can see where the story is going. At a time when my wife needed me to be connected with her, I was disconnected. When I needed to be focussed on her, I was focussed elsewhere. So, long story short, I hurt her. Bad, I think. It is hard to tell exactly, she isn’t opening up to me at all right now. She’s closed off from me. She cried herself to sleep, and would not tell me anything.

As I sit here typing this, I quite frankly am not sure what I should do. What can I do? Damage has been done. I think she has lost faith in me. I do not really blame her. I am sort of a putz when it comes to love. Too often, I am like a frightened bunny rabbit, jerking back when I should be close. I don’t really know why I am like that. And, as I told my wife recently, when my relationship with God isn’t where it needs to be, I do not like myself. Without God, I am nothing, and nothing good exists in me in and of itself.

I am slowly watching life slip out of my control. I do not like that feeling. Although I have been working harder at my relationship with God lately, I fear that it may be “too little too late.” I ignored all the signs, and refused to do what was right for far too long. Why? Why do I always pretend that I can carry my life and life’s expectations on my own shoulders and do it by myself, when I know that it is a lie?


On a side (somewhat related) note, a few days ago I was walking home from work, and I was thinking about my formative years (ages 16-21). It is truly amazing how many people I was close to in that time, who went on to become Pastors, Youth Pastors, who married Pastors, or went on to other callings in the church. God surrounded me with some really good people back then. Makes me wonder where I would have been in life if I had not had the steadying influence of some of those great people in my formative years.

And, it makes me wonder where I might be today, if I had some of those same type of people around me now. Where have all of the good and godly people gone? Why are they so hard to find nowadays? It has been so very, very long since I had a good Christian friend, other than my spouse.

Perhaps a lot of the reason that I remain closed off from others, that I jerk back when I should rush forward, is because of what I told my wife about not liking myself when my relationship with God is not good. I have low self-esteem. I do not think too highly of myself, I will probably never have that problem! I have the exact opposite one. The only time I feel good in life, truly good, is when my relationship with God is good. A casual relationship with Him is not enough for me, it doesn’t do it. It is when I lose myself in Him, that I find peace and joy and happiness. But, then I get distracted. And I veer off in a wrong direction. And I try to hold things together by myself. And, eventually, after many failures, I hit rock bottom…

…And I look up to find my Saviour there waiting for me. And He picks me back up, hands me the royal robes, gives me the biggest hug, puts His loving arm around me, and as we walk back home He talks to me about His love for me, and it is THEN that I get it. I truly get it. Distractions turn me from God; pain sets in and destroys; pride and fear keep me plodding down the road to destruction; one too many falls leads to a time where I just cannot get up anymore. And then He is there to pick me up and love me, show that that the only thing I have been missing in life, was Him.

God, I hope that is where I am right now. I really do not think that I can go on this way anymore. Let this be the bottom. I definitely feel like I have bottomed out in my life. I put all this money and work into my home, but really I am just whitewashing the tomb. There’s death inside without Christ on the throne. As long as I take the throne, death is the only outcome. But when Christ comes and sits on the throne, He brings healing waters of Life. All the work I have done, all the distractions I have allowed in, they have been more than pointless, they have been deadly. In and of themselves, they are not evil. But, placed in my life ahead of God, they are sin. I gotta get back up. I gotta get back up, and head the right way. But, you know what? I think I am gonna spend my night just sitting here, waiting on God’s presence, because I need The Giver of Life to pick me up. I cannot do it myself any longer. And I refuse to keep going down that road any more.