expanded thawtz

This is a slightly expanded version of an email that i sent out to my family and friends just now...



Hey All!

Well...that didn't go as well as I would have hoped. Coffee with Rachelle, that is. Discussing reconciliation, which i had brought up to her last week.

For all of the changes that i sensed in her the last few times that we met...faith is still not one of her strong points. Nor is forgiveness. And I say that in a loving way, but with my eyes wide opened right now.

I shouldn't make it out to be miserable. We talked. We were civil. But, the more we talked, the more things crept back in to her language, things that showed me that she would have a hard time being open with me, that she would have a hard time forgiving me and not bringing up my faults.

In the end, she said that God would have to TELL HER to take me back, He would have to show her. She didn't say it harshly. But i was not going to be able to convince her. Nor did i try very hard, really (I am not interested in trying to "sell" myself to her. Take me or leave me, this is who I am!). I laid out who i was, and that i wanted to do this and that i CAN do this. That was really all that i could say to her. She beleived me...but it wasn't enough in the end.

Her faith is lacking. I feel like God did exactly what she asked Him to do - He brought me back to her. But, He did so at a time when she had already decided that she didn't want me back. Ironic, isn't it? Now, she is responsible for saying that, no, she does not want to continue (or repair or rebuild) the marriage - yet, she still will blame me for ending it, and not herself. Yeah...that's whacked, I know!

She kept wanting to tell me that she had "kept herself clean" by not being with or loving anybody else while married to me, and that i had not. As nicely as she put it, in an 'okay' tone of voice, the fact still is this - forgiveness and non-judgementalism are two gifts she does not have. Not yet. I thought she had some, that she had learned something about that. In the end, i think i was wrong. I beleive that she is calmer with me, because she has given up on me and is determined to not let me hurt her anymore. And that is it.

I feel a little hurt, and a little lost right now. I really did want this to work. I feel like i am back to drifting again. I hate drifting. As much as God is my anchor...oh, i dunno!...I should stop talking/typing, i cannot sort out my confusions right now. There are too many of them.

I'm hurt. That i DO know.

She may change her mind. But, i will not chase her down and ask her. She will have to come to me now.

If i were a betting man, i would bet that she will not change her mind. I think that right now she still manages to lay all of the blame for what has gone wrong in our marriage and in her life, at my feet. She is still like that, and that makes me sad. I wish she did not have to go through life like that. It is wrong, and it keeps her from truly enjoying her relationship with God.

In truth, when i step back and view it...do i really think she is going to be able to partner with me in life? Seriously, the differences between us are huge! (No, i don't, not on a natural level - but because i trust God, i am willing to obey Him and believe that He can supernaturally work out all things, if He so desires to!)

That makes me sad, that we are so different that we cannot make life together work. So, not only did i make a bad choice in choosing her to be my wife, not only did i make a hurtful choice in telling her that i did not want to come back into the relationship, but now when i obey God and ask if she wants to go to counselling and work things out between us and work hard at having a great life...i find that we are too different as people!?! Strike three; I'm out? Man, this love thing SUCKS!

Life kinda sucks, that is for sure. I sure do hope God finds somewhere(s) to focus my attention and energies on soon, so i can stop this drifting feeling...it is the not having anything to do, not having anywhere for my heart to hang it's hat (i am talking in a romantic sense here), that is what makes my life feel awful to me.

I'll be okay. I may shed some tears later, but in the end, God is still in control, He is still good, and a good path is still laid out by Him before me (I just do not know where/when it starts!). I'll be okay.

But i covet your prayers, and your love. Can't help but feel rejected and unloveable, to a certain degree over all of this. Love (and those I love) has kicked the crap out of me for a great many years, and i sure am tired of it!

Love you all,

Dredd Sweet


"I will trust God, because He IS God."


By the way, i am proud of myself for NOT sending this email out to "MJ". I am moving on, and whatever/whomever God wants in my life, He will have to bring them there Himself! Not me; Him!