bg

Continuing adventures in Baldur's Gate...




Penelope’s party of six adventurers next went to the visit the wizard who lives at High Hedge castle just to the west of the town of Beregost. They then went south, found a talking chicken who claimed to be the wizard’s apprentice, and brought him back to the wizard. Said wizard was some pissed off, as instead of an apprentice he was a bumbling thief who had gotten himself turned into a chicken. The wizard eventually Antichickenatered him, and then accepted him as his real apprentice.

Penelope then ditched Xvar and Montaron from the party, and added in Kivan. Kivan is a quiet human Ranger who is looking for revenge on the bandit chieftain who killed his wife. Back to Beregost, and a stop outside the Red Sheaf to add the Bard Garrick to the party, the same one we had encountered earlier.

They then went south of Beregost and killed some half-Ogres who had a note form a man working the Nashkel mines to his wife waiting in Beregost. They returned the note to her and were rewarded with a magic ring. Had the ring Identified by the cleric in the temple to the east of Beregost, who also told them of a mad cleric named Bassilus who needed to be killed to stop his madness.

Went south of Beregost, following the road to Nashkel. Killed a large party of Orc bandits on the road. Entered the town of Nashkel, went into the Nashkel Inn and had to fight and kill another assassin waiting for Penelope – “who is funding these assassins”, wonders Penelope Farhaven. They went to the Manor House on the outskirts of Nashkel, where Khalid went to the second story and got into a fifteen minute fist fight with a jealous boyfriend named Jamie (Khalid was knocked unconscious more than ten times, lol!).

The woman who lives on the east edge of Nashkel asks them to look for her husband Joseph in the mines; they will know him by his greenstone wedding band. They then travelled east to the Nashkel Carnival grounds. There they saw the Amazing Oopah, the world’s only exploding Ogre, who became enraged after a few too many performancves and nearly killed his terrified wizard handler. With one swing of his mighty weapon, a huge morning star, Oopah killed Khalid dead. Unfortunately, the world now has no more exploding Ogres, as the adventurers had to kill Oopah.

A gnome at the carnival told us of a ‘Nordic princess’ turned to stone, and showed us the statue. Penelope used a Stone-To-Skin magic scroll on her, and thus did the war-cleric Branwen join their group in Khalid’s just-vacated spot.

Ne3xt, they entered a merchant’s tent to find a wizard named Zordral threatening to kill a female wizard that he claimed to be a dangerous witch. Penelope got him pissed off at them so he would attack them instead of the ‘witch’, and the party took him down and killed him. The woman, Bentha, thanked them, saying that she was not evil but that she and Zordral were old enemies; she left with them a small reward.

Back to Nashkel, sell off some unneeded supplies at the Nashkel Store and rest up at the Nashkel Inn.

Now, it is time to investigate the Nashkel Mines! They need to figure out what this huge iron shortage sweeping the area is all about…

heaven on earth...

Wouldn’t it be nice to just simply find somebody whom you feel completely comfortable with just being yourself with? To just not wish to hide anything from somebody, to know that you can be yourself, your true self, and that person will quietly accept you – wouldn’t that be an ideal mate?



I just want to be me – and have somebody completely accept me for that. No, more than that, I want somebody to love me FOR being me.

Ha!

What did the nervous man say to the maitre d' at the fine new restaurant?

"I have some reservations about this place."

Ha!



I wrote two new poems. They came about partially because 'somebody' mentioned that my poetry tended towards the dreary and pained. So, here's for you! :P (ps - this means it is all your fault. Ha!)

The first poem came about because I had a daydream during the ending credits of The Bourne Identity, to which I asked myself the question, "Self, wouldn't it suck if you wanted to be a dentist, but your siamese-twin wanted to be an assassin?"

The second poem came about, because I was feeling silly, and felt like being mildly inappropriate and offensive.


Shattered Dreams of Dentistry (Duck and Cover, Creep and Kill)

I had a dream, of dentistry
From a child young, a longing
As I grew, I just surely knew
The profession would give me a sense of belonging.

I studied and learned, midnight oil burned
Excelled in all that I applied
Day I got my smock and novocaine
Was a day my dream shone bright, and I cried.

I had a brother whose desire was to be an assassin
Which shouldn’t have been so hard on me
Excepting that my brother was a twin
And this twin happened to be Siamese.

It’s hard to do a proper root canal
To keep things neat and tidy
When your Siamese-twin keeps you up all night
And lack of sleep you attempt to be hiding.

I do not mean to be a complaining sort
I am thankful for the life I’ve been given
I just wish my sibling had the intelligence
To know that a Siamese-twin assassin makes it hard for me
To make a livin’.

He spends his nights in enemy territory
Creeping with stealth and much skulduggery
Whilst I bump and bruise along behind him
(Even a dentist knows that nothing good rhymes with skulduggery).

Dentistry is my profession chosen
And it is all I ever wanted to have been
But I curse the day my brother chose
To be my Siamese-twin paid assassin.

(with apologies to the physically-joined, and anyone born in Siam)



August 1st, 2010





Stutterer’s Delight


Stutterer’s d-d-d-de-l-l-light
S-s-s-seeing my l-l-love on
On a, on, on a, on a
S-s-sum-summer’s b-b-breez-breez-breezy
Night.


( I am SO going to Hell for this, aren’t I? )


August 2nd, 2010




Meanwhile, in my Baldur's Gate game, in the town of Beregost the six adventurers met up with the Bard named Garrick outside of the Burning Wizard pub. He hires the six on the spot, to protect his employer, a woman named Silke, from, some thugs who are out to kill her. Garrick leads them around the corner, to a place outside of the Red Sheaf Inn. There they meet Silke, who says that three thugs are approaching now and that the six must kill them on the spot before they are allowed to speak as they might cast magic spells and kill them all.

The three 'thugs' appraoch, and it is immediately obvious that they are not what Silke made them out to be, as she seems to be their employer and has asked them to meet her here at this spot. Penelope refuses to attack them, and Silke turns on the six instead. As she begins to cast a magic spell herself, the six attack and take her down. Looting her corpse reveals a magic-enhanced quarterstaff, which Jaheira takes to replace her regular one.

The three merchants (not thugs) reward Penelope with a potion. Garrick asks if he can join the group, but Penelope declines, thinking he is either entirely untrustworthy or a real dupe. Garrick stumbles off in a hough.

They head off next to the famous Thunderhammer Smithy, where the magical quarterstaff is properly identified and where penelope upgrades her armour to plate mail.

Then they go back and enter the Red Sheaf, where the assassin Karlat (a dwarf) awaits. After a tough battle, the group takes him down.

blogga-game-blogga-game

I have been playing the world’s greatest computer game, Baldur’s Gate, on my new computer. I had actually gotten about 1/3 of the way through it, and then began to find myself running into a few glitches. So I went online yesterday (now that I am back online. Did I mention that I am back online now?) and downloaded a patch for my game. Unfortunately, it was the WRONG patch, and it made my game completely freeze up on me and have to be completely re-installed. Sigh...it is a good thing I love Baldur’s Gate so much!

Anyways, I re-installed Baldur’s Gate on my new computer (did I mention that I have a new computer?), and started playing all over again from the beginning.

My main character is named Penelope Farhaven. Penelope is a half-elven Ranger of Chaotic Good alignment. Penelope is a red-headed gal, and I downloaded her picture from the good folks at Ironworks for use in this game. http://www.tgeweb.com/ironworks/baldursgate1/portraits_08.shtml



Here are her starting stats:

Strength = 18 , Dexterity = 18 , Constitution = 18, Intelligence = 12, Wisdom = 14, and Charisma = 10.

You would think that either intelligence or wisdom would be important attributes for a Ranger, but apparently they are not, lol.

Currently, I have gone through the “pre” section of the game, which takes place in the ‘town’ of Candlekeep, where two separate assassins (as opposed to siamese-twins assassins - wouldn't it suck if you wanted to be a dentist, and your siamese twin wanted to be an assassin?) try to kill Penelope. From there, Penelope’s foster-father Gorion took her out into the wilderness, where he was attacked and killed defending her from armed assassins. Penelope was then officially on the run, joined by her childhood friend Imoen (Hey-a!” and “Whattaya want?” are some of her sayings). Imoen is a female human, and a thief. . Imoen and Penelope soon joined up with the evilly-inclined companions Montaron and Xzar . These two are evil members of the Zentarim, sent out to investigate the iron-shortage going on in this area. They do not like each other much. Montaron is a male gnome, a fighter and a thief. Xzar is a male human wizard, and is quite insane. While Montaron is vengeful and hateful and mutters under his breath about killing others while they sleep (“sleep lightly, taskmaster” and “go suck your blade” are two of his favourite things to say), Xzar has several different personalities residing in his head and will blurt out odd things in a loud voice as he argues with himself – really quite an unstable sort! He says things like "Your voice is ambrosia" and "Stop touching me!" The two are heading south to the town of Nashkel to investigate the iron mines there, and grudgingly agree to let Penelope and Imoen go with them.

The four arrive at the crossroads without too many encounters with wild animals, monsters, and bandits. The evil twosome glare when Penelope turns north towards the Friendly Arm Inn, but she goes towards it because Gorion told her that she could find two friends of his there that were trustworthy.

The Friendly Arm Inn is a former fortress, now operated as a safe haven by a band of gnomes. Included there are a store, an inn, a bar, some homes, and a cleric’s temple for healing. It is here that an even more powerful, magic-wielding assassin tries to take the life of Penelope, but is killed by the group. Shortly afterwards, the foursome meet up with Gorion’s friends, named Jaheira and Khalid. Khalid is a human male, a nervous and stuttering warrior-type , who says things like “Y-y-you have need of me?”. Jaheira is his lover, a take-charge, brash and loud type, a female half-elf who was raised by druids and thus is a druid herself ; she says many boring things like “For the group” and "Better leadership would help``. The two are members of the Harpers, a mysterious organization whose members work behind the scenes to order events for the greater good of all. The duo are sorry to hear of the loss of Gorion, and mention that he had often told them to look after Penelope if anything happened to him; Khalid and Jaheira also happen to be leaving to go south to investigate the Nashkel Mines, and they join the group (bringing the group up to its maximum of 6 people).

Penelope meets up with a lady complaining that her husband’s ring was stolen by a group of Hobgoblin bandits to the north of the Friendly Arm Inn. Penelope agrees to look into this for her. She also meets a lady whose house in Beregost is infested with spiders and wishes the spiders killed and some of her things returned to her. Ever the humanitarian, Penelope agrees to look into the matter. In the upstairs of the inn, the party meets a rude rich man from the great city of Waterdeep who is crying out that he needs his pants pressed at once! Penelope grabs the pants away from him, promising to get them pressed for him at once; but when the party leaves the inn, she goes by his room and throws the wrinkled golden pantaloons back into his flustered and shocked face! Also upstairs, there is a Halfling with a tale of an Ogre to the south who took a magical belt from him in exchange for his life.

The group heads north and confronts several groups of Hobgoblin bandits, then return the ring to the grateful woman. They then head to the crossroads area and investigate the nearby woods, where they discover several burnt and looted wagon caravans – evidence of bandits at work in the area, and well-organized ones. They also stumble across an ogre with an attitude, and after taking him down they relieve him of his magic belt, which Penelope claims as her own (it protects the wearer against arrows).

Penelope’s current group of six has now headed south, past the crossroads, and has arrived in the bustling little city (or larger town, I guess) of Beregost. Farmers on the outskirts complain that their farmhands have run off in the night, and that their cattle are missing or dead.




So, that is where I am currently at in my game. Usually when I adventure in Baldur’s Gate, I end up with the same trusted people in my group at some point, the old safe standbys. My main character, plus Imoen, Branwen the cleric (who says, “Our actions are not those of warrior born!”), Jaheira the druid, Kivan the Ranger (who says very little, but when he does is very polite), and Xan the depressed elven wizard (who sprouts encouraging things like “I don’t even know why we bother...” and ``We`re all doomed...``).

But this time through the game, I am going to try something a little different. I have played this game numerous times, but I have never been able to hang onto Minsc as a character, mainly because he always insists on raiding the Gnoll Fortress and rescuing the witch Dynaheir. And I never have been able to rescue Dynaheir, so then Minsc gets mad and attacks my other party members and we have to kill him.

But this time, this time, I am going to try again, and if I succeed then I will take Minsc and Dynaheir with me on my adventures (replacing the regulars Jaheira and Xan), which will be something new. Stay tuned for more, as we see if I can finally accomplish this or not. I am not sure what Dynaheir is actually like, as I have only seen her as a corpse before, but Minsc is an insane warrior who carries around a rat that he insists is “Boo the giant miniature space hamster” and carries on actual conversations with him.

There are seriously a ton of characters in Baldur’s Gate that you can add to your party. As many times as I have played the game, there are still many characters that I have never adventured with for any length of time. Sigh...so much to choose from, so little time in the day!

Back

Hello!
I am back!

For now, I am going to put some poetry here, some poems I have written, some poems that really make me stand up and realize that I am truly a poet because I am quite proud of these works.



Square Me In A Round Hole

There’s a hope in my pocket
But do not tell no one,
I put it there last year
But what I got is none
Of the return for my investment,
So it sits there still,
But now it’s faded
Its colours are jaded
And I find it gives no thrill.

There’s a hole in my heart
And everything is leaking,
You can see right inside
But there is to be no peeking.

There’s a home in my mind
And my future rests on it,
With a warm and roaring fire
And in front of it she sits;
I cannot touch her yet
Or invade her space,
Yet I can see her sitting there, with me,
But I cannot see her face.

And if not for the faded, jaded hope
That in my pocket rusts,
And the hole in my heart
Where the blood congeals and crusts,
Then maybe I would truly be happy
And have such great belief,
Instead
I am just me.
Take me, or leave me -
Just me.


August 3, 2009









Haley Called, But The Operator Cannot Connect


Haley called,
The Comet’s warmed up,
Time to burn some rubber
And take this town.
You and me were gonna
Paint it red,
Nothing between us
Ever left unsaid,
Then you burned bright in
A different direction,
Left me with a handful of
Circumspection;
You winked like a star and
Disappeared from sight,
And Haley never called for me again.


July 26th, 2009








Drawing Me Out


Paper tiger,
All I feel like is a
Paper tiger,
I roar but I have no bite,
I put on my strong face
But I’m scared;
Scared of loneliness,
Scared of defeat,
Scared of trying,
And mainly scared of me.
I am scared to discover who I am
Because I fear I may like me
Even less
Than I do now.
It’s silly, I know,
But I have no eraser for my fears,
So all I can do is
Draw a tiger over them
On my sheet of graduated sanity
That is my life.
I am a paper tiger
And that, for now, will have to be alright.

I say I am okay,
I pretend I am alright,
But I am a broken compass
Lost into this night.
I try to make believe
That I am somebody I want to be,
I need to be,
I try to show some strength,
To remind myself that deep within
There is some strongness in me,
Even though I do not always feel it;
Sometimes, I succeed for a time,
But always what happens
Is she (the mistress bitch)
She bites me from behind,
And now I have to sit down alone
To hide this paper cut from which I can’t atone.

I am a paper tiger,
I roar but have no bite,
I am a paper tiger,
And that,
For now,
Just has to be alright.
It is all that I have right now,
So that has got to be alright...
Paper tiger,
Paper tiger is me.
Draw me, I roar.
Fold me, I cry.
Colour me weary,
Paper tiger am I.



August 10th 2009








I Tarry, Until You

No breath to breathe when you aren’t near
No sweet arms to hold me
It’s only at night that I find your embrace
In the fleeting dreams that loneliness sold me

And out of dreams your heart has spoke
Sending a random message to my mind
So in the waking hours I work my magic
Spells to conjure, conjoin, and find

Where you are I long to be
Who you are I long to see
Where you’ve been is all my mind sees
And I tarry with these visions of you


March 7th, 2010








Left For Heart-Dead

The curse of humility,
The kiss of chastity,
The end of longevity,
Who would better know of these
Than the one whose own heart deceived him
With a thousand knives of unseen fury,
Blood-filled vision gets a little blurry,
Words of hope and love only come out slurry,
And loneliness is my only companion left.

April 27th, 2010








Naked


I’m starting to feel
All beat down and naked,
Shambles and shamed in a field of plain.
Serenity might just be
A lack of originality in
Expressing my numbness.
All is insane;
Life can be so numb and lame.
I don’t feel good and I don’t feel
Right, somehow
Everything I once clinged to
Is outta my sight,
And I have a little bit of
Panicked fright.
This would be so pleasant and so alright,
If only this were just words and
Not
My present reality.

I spin in a whirlpool,
Boredom has overtaken my life
And I take little pleasure in anything anymore...
And I do not like it.

Naked and cold,
Naked and old,
Nary a stitch to be found,
My misery kills me without a whimpering sound,
Leaves me staked out for the jackals...
If I were a wary wolf, I would have long ago raised
My hackles.

There is not too much more that I would say.
Naked I stand,
Waiting for approval,
Waiting
For love,
Waiting for you.

Naked, is how I feel.

Jan 12th, 2010








Sea Of Less

Drowning
I come up for air
It’s hard to die silent
While everyone stares


January 31st, 2010








The Ball That Broke My World

Sand beneath my toes
Sand beneath my toes
Sun-bleached, broken, stark-white bones
Rib cage, skull, seagulls and crows

Tattered remnants of fabric so black
Standard set upright by footprint tracks
Bonfire of timbers, signal to the gods
Resting on sand, of food there is lack

Into the depths my shipmates did fall
Blood and drowning their deaths did not stall
Merciless waves washed me up alone
All because of one well-placed cannonball

March 8th, 2010







Unlovely Life

Life is precious, life is quick,
You stole mine from me in a way so slick,
Caged my heart, drained my blood,
Sunk my feet deep into the mud
Of black morass and a bleak despair;
My haunted eyes see nothing where once saw fair.

You;
You don’t know what you did to me,
Nor do you care to.
And I, I do not even know
Just what you did inside of me,
But I know that where once life blossomed,
Now there is only this living death.

All joy, stifled,
All mirth, muffled,
All that you brought
You stole back
And took much more besides;
Nothing that resembles life
Remains here on the inside.

My oh my,
You killed me good,
And you do not even give a
Damn.
Where once you were the sunshine to me,
You have become the plunging and severing knife...
All I know and see now that you are heartlessly gone
Is my own (empty, dead) unlovely life.


January 21st, 2010







Windowpane


The exhilarating thrill is dead and gone,
Joy once lived where black now spawns,
My heart still sometimes throbs with a
Hurt that’s insane,
When I can’t believe the scene from my
Windowpane.

I can’t believe, I can’t receive
What it is I see from my windowpane;
Is not what I want, memories still haunt,
My back-lit stained-glass window pain.

Seated I stare, seated I dare
To try to recapture
The thrilling rush and rapture,
But nothing is quite so factual
As the dead-end scenery of what is actually
There,
Nothing that excited like anticipation of
Seeing your face, so fair.

My windowpane betrays me,
My heart so sharp that it filets me,
Burdened with the weight of what once was
I sit and stare and see that my future is a bust.

The exhilarating thrill is dead and gone,
Joy once lived where black now spawns,
My heart still sometimes throbs with a
Hurt that’s insane,
When I can’t believe the scene from my
Windowpane.

Once I waited for you, day by day,
Gazing outside and waiting to see
You,
On the off chance that you might come by
Like you did before;
I gaze at places where you walked and you talked
With this man, leading my heart astray,
And all the colours turn to gray
In this life of mine.

I do not like the scene
I see through my windows now,
Though once it was the scene that gave me hope,
Gave me life.
Now that view is seen through bars,
The bars you erected around me
When you killed me with your (false, fake, unreal, cruel) love.
You took everything that was right, and stabbed it repeatedly
Until it was a bloody smear upon my window pain...

My heart still sometimes throbs with a
Hurt that’s insane,
When I can’t believe,
When I can’t receive,
When I am constantly saddened by
The scene, the scene from my
Windowpane.



January 20th, 2010






I'm alive, and glad to be back online. We'll talk again soon, okay?

The Greatest Name

Ever notice how incredibly unpopular the name of Jesus is?

It is despised, reviled, hated, cast out, mis-used, and generally spat upon. In fact, it has gotten to the point where the only place where it is acceptable to use it, is in the middle of a stream of curse words!

This breaks my heart. Mankind has gotten so evil, so very evil. Thank God that mankind's, and satan's, evil reign is coming to a swift end, and the true reign of Jesus is coming soon!

makin' it, by fakin' it

I've been reading 2 books by author Gene Wolf; The Knight and its sequel called The Wizard. They are interesting books. One thing I picked up from them, is that a knight is not made a knight by being knighted; a knight makes himself, as a man is recognized to be a knight when his very actions and attitudes show him to be a knight already.

Isn't that just like real life? I think that life is all about acting like you aren't; you act in a certain manner, you do and say things despite how you actually feel inside, and you trust (hope? Plead?)That you will eventually become what you are not right now.

That fits me, like a glove (insert crazy Jim Carey face and voice here - ha ha).

I am 39 years old. Funny, I do not feel much like a man. I worry that I do not think like a man, that I do not feel like an adult, and I wonder if there is something wrong with me. So I have had to learn to force myself to try to act like I know what is going on, like I am in control of my own destiny. At times, I fake it passably; at other times, I fail miserably. But beyond it all, when the sun goes down and the crickets chirping are the only sound that I hear, I am left alone with the frightening thought that I am just a nobody pretending to be a somebody; just a little boy curled up in the corner, one who fears he will never grow up and be truly brave.

True bravery is not the absence of fear. True bravery is having a lot of fear, and still managing to put one foot in front of the terrified other, every freakin' day.

And that is what life is about. Fakin' it, and hoping that one day you will become what you aren't right now.

Is it any wonder Christ said we must have a child-like faith? Are we not all children, pretending to be adults, all of scared and dealing with that fear in our own ways? Children have faith that they will grow up one day. Adults realize that we never grow up at all, not on this earth anyways.

That is why my Jeus is so sweet to me. This faker needs Him more than air. He is my everuything. Older I get, more inadequate I see I am - and that He is all that I need.

not

Hey all,

Not doing too much. Took an extra day off this week due to an ear infection that was freakin' me out, so have had 4 days off (Friday being day four). Today I watched game seven of the NBA Finals, where the Lakers beat Boston in a snooze-inducing game that reminded me why I haven't seen a game since Shaq left the Lakers. If that was the best the NBA has to offer - ”shudder” - only the outcome of this game was interesting. I like the Lakers (and hate the Celtics), been that way since the '80s, so was good to see the Lakers beat them. But I hate Kobe Bryant, so it was even better to see him suck bigtime in that game!

So, I gots an ear onfection and am on drugs. I am currently completely deaf in one ear, and it may take three weeks for that to fix itself. Sux.

Not much else to say. Hot, sweaty, and bored. And lonely. Blah. Wish I could own a cat or something.

Ciao.

High Time

My time.

My time of being alone is fast drawing to an end. Aloneness is a curable condition in God's eyes, not a life sentence.

I can feel it. Can you? It's in the wind, it's whispered in every raindrop and shouted in every blooming flower. "You are not alone."

I am too beloved by my 0god for Him to let me sit on the sidelines forever. I sense my miracle coming...

spring in my heart

There is a blessing to being as handsome as I am. Perhaps the blessing is in my name; it worked well for my father, too. Having a name that actually translates as "cheerful and handsome" is not a bad thing (unless one is an ugly, grumpy person? Then, it definitely sends mixed messages!). More likely, the blessing (and the handsomeness) are derived from good genes, both earthly and spiritual genes. All good thoings come fromthe Father Above.

One of the definite blessings of being fabulously handsome (inside and out) like me, is that I seem to generally attract a certain type of woman, that being one looking for a long-term relationship. This works well with my needs and desires, as well!

So, I do not want to take away my fabulousness from the women of the world who need it. I have been hiding my fair face for far too long; surely they all must be pining for my handsomeness by now? Longing for the me that they have never gotten to have and to behold?

Maybe it is only fair that I get out there and rustle myself up a godd woman soon...

I have been up to bat all of three times in my 39 years. Three times the game of love has called my name and I have walked out to the batter's box with a bounce in my step and a big stick in my hand (incidentally, the stick is inscribed with the name of my heavenly Father, and therefore is incapable of striking out). Twice, I was served up a juicy fastball by a beautiful lady pitcher, and twice I hit it out of the park. The last time I stepped up to bat in the game of love, the pitcher refused to throw the ball to me, so I had to settle for a slo walk around the plates, without the satisfaction of hitting the stuffing out of the ball.

Its time to get up to bat again. Swing for the fences, go deep, bless othjers and be blessed myself.

Never, ever give up on the wonderful and sweet mystery that is love...

this valley

"Sorrow is not a raven perched persistently above a chamber door. Sorrow is a thing with teeth, and while in time it retreats, it comes back at the whisper of its name."
- Dean Koontz, "The Good Guy"


Purpose.

Once you have lived your life with a purpose, it is difficult to live without it. And, if you are forced into it, all you feel is dead rather than alive. Walking dead.


Purpose.

It is why women delight in being called mothers. Being a mom gives them a sense of purpose; ties them to another being, giving every action and breath meaning. All a mom does affects the life of their child. They find purpose.

I've lived most of my life without purpose. Without feeling important. Without mattering. Walking dead.

Sometimes you can find a flase sense of purpose in a new relationship. You love, your heart swells, you feel alive. It doesn't last, though, becuz it is not/real purpose.

Two and a half yrs ago, I found purpose. That feeling lasted about a year, roughly. Since then, death. Since then, my soul has been all-but-dead. No purpose. No sense of importance to others. Purposelessness, once realized, has teeth like a pit-bull; it bites hard, and does not let go. You wake up each morning, knowing you are dead. You dream thru your days, and you thrash thru your nights. Nothing satisfies. Becuz you have no purpose.

I do not enjoy feelibg this way. I don't choose to feel like this. It just is.

I found my purpose. Then, I lost it. I wish I had never found it, then losing it wouldn't feel so bad. It is much better to not know that you are dead.


Somehow, before in my life, God has always known when I most need a dose of excitement, a change in life, somebody to believe in me.

I have been desperately paying for divine intervention in my life. I prophesied over myself, that this was to be my year, a year of blessing.

Instead, everything that can go wrong (almost), has.

I don't like that.

I am incapable of making changes to my lige to save myself from myself. I need big-time divine intervention. It is time for God to take control. I'm tired of fighting to keep the wolves at bayn trying to keep my sanituy, tryting to escape the soul_chilling sense of eternal weariness.

I need excitement, passion, Purpose.

Lord, send it to me. Lead me where only You can. Give me back my Purpose. I cannot live any longer without it.

As a Christian man who recalls being 12 and asking God to use me, no matter what; when it comes to earthly, natural love, I need more. My sense of Purpose, at its heart, is more about how I see God. Last time I fell in love. I learned to see God and His love thru another's eyes. Every time I gazed at her r thought of her, I was flooded with an intense awareness of GodKs love for her. It was so big, so powerful, so overwhelming, that it HURT. Iit was...wonderful. I learned so much about Who God is, by loving her.


At some point, I just cannot live without earthly love. I am reaching my breaking point for lovelessness - I need to fall, and to give of all that I am. But, I will not accept less than what I have already had. After all that I have gained from the three times I have been in love in my life, I refuse to accept a relationship that does not offer more than each of the others has. I want the best that God has to offer me; I refuse to settle.

Onme way or another, God have mercy, and give me back my sense of Purpose, or take me hpme.

KJMC

Happy Birthday to my beautiful daughter. 11 years old today.

Daddy is so proud of you!

oh happy day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.

i'm Baaaaaaack...

Despite the death of my pc, life is good. Thank you Mr. Jim Ballsillie, I am enjoying my new Blackberry Curve very much!

Killer Night

Friday night was a blast, more fun than I have had in ages.

Left Vernon at 3pm or just before, drove to Kelowna. Did a little clothes shopping at the mall, then visited my parents and had yummy dinner with them.

Drove out to Gallagher's Canyon Golf Course to pick up Shiray. We headed out to Dave's Sports Bar in Rutland, and settled in for the night. I drank ice tea's (driving, no alcohol for me - no big loss there, though), and we shared some nice appetizers.

The concert started late, of course. We can probably thank the opening act, the Sugar Coated Killers, for that, as they arrived late. Music started up at 9pm.

The SCK are a spacey glam-rock band, doing some originals and some covers. Lots of energy, great stage show. Fronted by Sevli Android (once known to me as Rob Salga), who I used to know from church youth group many many years ago.

Killers were followed up by Severed Serenity, whose members include both a long-time friend and my current boss. Surprise surprise, they got a new lead singer, and she is this little blonde girl! That was certainly a surprise, but one that the crowd seemed to like very much. As per usual with a Severed concert, all the musicians in the house rushed forward to be right in front of the stage so they can see the guitar wizards ply their trade. Consequently, I could see nothing - but they sounded great!

Last up was the mighty, the one and only, Thor. Thor dresses up like an Asgardian warrior, he uses a bunch of masks for props, and he conducts a heck of a stage show. He has been doing this since the early 80's, and this show was his first stop on a world tour, ending in Germany. This is his last tour, Thor is retiring, but he introduced his "son", who is taking over for him and carrying on the Thor tradition. Thor was a great show, a lot of fun, he worked the crowd great, he even had me up and rocking with him, it was a real blast. Thor is the man, not the band, so he used three of the members of Severed Serenity as his backing band. It was hilarious to see Steve on stage, who is usually so reserved and so stern looking, to see him rocking out his guitar to Thor tunes and laughing and having a good time too.

After the show, Shiray and I went up and talked briefly to Thor, thanking him for the good show and wishing him well on his world tour. Then we went and talked to Sevli from Sugar Coated Killers. It was good to catch up with him, I don't think I have seen him since the early 90's. We also got to talk to his bassist, Kurt, who seems to have gotten his love-gun set on Shiray; quite the little flirts, those band guys, lol. Oh well, all in good fun.

Other than the "crazy guy" at the bar who kept wanting to talk to me about how women cannot conserve energy, and about washing machines, and about why he is single, not too much happened.

Oh, one thing to note - when trying to impress people by wearing new clothing to a concert, it is best to make sure that one does not have a price tag danging out of one's left armpit! lol. Didn't know that was there until I got home at midnight. Oh well.

It was a fun night. Can't wait to do it again.

Prophet

What does it mean to ‘prophesy’?

A prophecy is a picture of the future put into words. It is to speak into effect your future, or the future of another.

Every time we read aloud about the goodness that God longs to smother us with in the Bible, we are, in effect, prophesying, are we not?



And how about when we stand in faith, repeating what we believe to be God’s will for us? Are we not then prophesying as well?



I have been determined in my thinking that this is going to be a year of blessing for me. Lots of things have been thrown in my path already that have tried to make me doubt this, but I have done what i can to hold fast to my beliefs. I have also felt deep within me that, the time being short before the Lord’s return, this needs to be my year to find a willing and loving partner to walk the rest of the way with me. I have felt it, i have declared it in faith, and have stood behind it. I have been a prophet in my own life; now it is time to be a priest and a king, as well.



Now...it is still early in this calendar year. Nothing is yet for sure. But, i have faith.



I do not see financial freedom, but it is coming. I do not see the love of my life that God has for me, but she is coming. I see things getting worse and harder for me at work, but i believe that my patience and hard work and honesty will pay off in all areas of my life, my workplace included.

I feel myself growing closer to God. Not through anything that I am doing, but because, i suppose, a loving God is drawing me to Himself. And i feel that is making me blessed. You cannot know God, really know Him, and not be blessed because of it.



Good things are coming. Thank You, Lord, for Your faithfulness.

good day

Here's my idea of a good day (and it really happened!):


Get 11 and a half hours of sleep - Check!

Do 4 loads of laundry - Check!

Do some dishes - Check!

Watch the Canucks get absolutely SPANKED by the Los Angeles Kings - Check!

Play Sacred video game on my pc, and finish it - Check!

Eat some pizza - Check!

Get the garbage ready to go out - Check!

Watch the second half of the previously recorded "Keep Your Head Up, Kid: The Don Cherry Story" - Check!

PC Gamer

Below is a pic of my character in the game I am currently playing, called Sacred.

Click it to see it bigger!

Patience, Learning

Lyrics to Tim Hughes’ Out Of The Darkness

I could live a thousand years
Never earn a moment of Your grace
Even in my darkest day
You shine on me
You shine on me

And out of the darkness
You brought me into Your glorious light
Saved from the death I was facing
Rejoicing in the future, a hope that is mine

The greatest of all gifts
From the greatest of all givers
Jesus there upon the cross
True love displayed for all to see

And out of the darkness
You brought me into Your glorious light
Saved from the death I was facing
Rejoicing in the future, a hope that is mine

And your grace runs after me
Runs after me
Everyday of my life
And your mercies they never fail
They never fail
Everyday of my life

And out of the darkness
You brought me into Your glorious light
Saved from the death I was facing
Rejoicing in the future, a hope that is mine

And out of the darkness
You brought me into Your glorious light
Saved from the death I was facing
Rejoicing in the future, a hope that is mine



Blessings. Blessings are a funny thing, aren’t they? I can wait patiently for them. I can expect them. I can receive them when they come. But, after all, I live a life that is extremely blessed; each and every day, I get to experience God. I am blessed, not by what He is doing for me or has done for me or will do for me; no, I am blessed because I get to know God. Not just to know OF Him, but to KNOW Him. What greater blessing is there than that? What brings greater joy to my heart? What brings tears of thanksgiving and wonder to my eyes quicker than this? Truly, I am a blessed man, not because of what I have, not because of what God is doing, but because God allows me to know Him. Thank You, Lord. :)


Isaiah 41:10 (Amplified Version) –

Fear not; (there is nothing to fear) for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you (to difficulties); yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My victorious right hand of rightness and justice.

As Pastor Creflo Dollar helped to show me, God is hardening me through what I am going through. Because of this, I will eventually no longer be bothered by what people say about me at work. This is God’s work in me.

Acts 18:10 (Amplified Version) –

For I am with you, and no man shall assault you to harm you; for I have many people in this city.


I am blessed to have God’s protection over me. Although He causes things to happen in different ways than what I would often wish for…the joy of knowing Him overcomes all other sorrows in this world. Truly, the joy of the Lord is my strength. Not so much the joy that God gives or grants to me, but the joy that comes from knowing Him. (I think this may be a new revelation for me!)

The Lord, my God, my strength, my song, has now become my victory! Tell me, who can take away this joy from me? Truly, in every thing, in every circumstance, there is a greater victory, in that I know God and that knowing is a joy that does not cease, does not end, does not diminish or fade or go away.

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Yes, it is.


And, as a friend (Hi Shiray! Thank you!) pointed out part of this to me, I am going to include a good-sized chunk of it here. It applies to me, and I receive it. And, since I have my beloved Amplified Bible out, I shall use it yet again…

Proverbs 2:1-15, and Proverbs 3:3-8, 13-18

My son, if you will receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to skillful and Godly Wisdom, and inclining and directing your heart and mind to understanding – applying all your powers to the quest for it; yes, if you cry out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek Wisdom as silver, and search for skillful and Godly Wisdom as for hid treasures; then you will understand the reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of (our omniscient) God. For the Lord gives skillful and Godly Wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He hides away sound and Godly Wisdom and stores it for the righteous – those who are upright and in right standing with Him; He is a shield to those who walk uprightly and in integrity, that He may guard the paths of justice. Yes, He preserves the way of His saints. Then you will understand righteousness, justice and fair dealing (in every area and relation); yes, you will understand every good path. For skillful and Godly Wisdom shall enter into your heart, and knowledge shall be pleasant to you; discretion shall watch over you, understanding shall keep you; to deliver you from the way of evil and the evil man, from men who speak perverse things and are liars, men who forsake the paths of uprightness to walk in the ways of darkness, who rejoice to do evil and delight in the perverseness of evil, who are crooked in their ways, wayward and devious in their paths.

Let not mercy and kindness (shutting out all hatred and selfishness), and truth (shutting out all deliberate hypocrisy or falsehood) forsake you. Bind them about your neck; write them upon the tablet of your heart; so shall you find favour, good understanding and high esteem in the sight (or judgement) of God and man. Lean on, trust and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind, and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; reverently fear and worship the Lord and turn (entirely) away from evil. It shall be health to your nerves and sinews, and marrow and moistening to your bones.

Happy (blessed, fortunate, enviable) is the man who finds skillful and Godly Wisdom, and the man who gets understanding – drawing it forth from God’s Word and life’s experiences. For the gaining of it is better than the gaining of silver, and the profit of it than fine gold. Skillful and Godly Wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you can wish for is to be compared to her. Length of days is in her right hand, and in her left are riches and honour. Her ways are highways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who lay hold on her, and happy (blessed, fortunate, to be envied) is every one who holds her fast.

treasure

Today is all about finding encouragement. Not in my surroundings, not in my circumstances, but in my God.

Think

I think that expecting someone who is unsaved to treat us in a good manner, is not only blind but it is stupid. And expecting that because somebody HAS treated us well in the past, that they will continue to do so, is just wrong on our parts.

We all wear masks. As humans, our mask is our physicality. We forget that we are spirits, inhabiting a body. We live in a spiritual world that is cloaked in the physical.

And any spirit that is not bound to God and His love, is against Him. And thereby, against us.

They will be used to torment us, to anger us, to try to screw up our lives. Our neighbours will be used, our co-workers will be used, the person next to us in traffic, our politicans, our government, they will all be used by the enemy against us.

They cannot help it. Wthout God, they are putty in the enemy's hands. They have no choice.

The very person who smiles at you on a daily basis, can be the very catalyst that will one day attempt to make you question God or your faith, to try to make you ineffective in your Christian walk.

The world is a tough place to live, when we forget who we are, where we are. Spiritual beings, in the middle of a battlefield. Too often, we forget, until life kicks us in the gut.

Never put your faith in human beings. Put your faith in God, Who cannot be faithless.

And never be surprised by what or who will be used against you by the enemy.


By The Way...

Did anybody else notice that the very next day after blogging about how I am blessed, that my world crashed down around me and the enemy moved in to try to destroy me?

Huh. Coincidence? I think not!

HB M

Happy Birthday to my mom, the greatest woman I know.

Love, Me

newp

another poem...


http://leplaunpoetree.blogspot.com/2010/03/cut-yourself-with-your-dull-weapon.html

Mitt's words

A Campaign Begins Today [Mitt Romney]


America has just witnessed an unconscionable abuse of power. President Obama has betrayed his oath to the nation — rather than bringing us together, ushering in a new kind of politics, and rising above raw partisanship, he has succumbed to the lowest denominator of incumbent power: justifying the means by extolling the ends. He promised better; we deserved better.

He calls his accomplishment “historic” — in this he is correct, although not for the reason he intends. Rather, it is an historic usurpation of the legislative process — he unleashed the nuclear option, enlisted not a single Republican vote in either chamber, bribed reluctant members of his own party, paid-off his union backers, scapegoated insurers, and justified his act with patently fraudulent accounting. What Barack Obama has ushered into the American political landscape is not good for our country; in the words of an ancient maxim, “what starts twisted, ends twisted.”

His health-care bill is unhealthy for America. It raises taxes, slashes the more private side of Medicare, installs price controls, and puts a new federal bureaucracy in charge of health care. It will create a new entitlement even as the ones we already have are bankrupt. For these reasons and more, the act should be repealed. That campaign begins today.

Mitt Romney is the former Governor of Massachussets.

???

Why is it that hell pulls out all the stops to try to keep you from doing something as simple as going to church?

Could it be that the devil sees that as long as he can keep you in a place where you are least effective, he makes your life so much less than it could be for God?

Hm. Makes me want to run to God all the more, not the opposite. Drat, guess the devil loses again! lol.

blessed

I really feel like it is my time to be blessed.

I do not know for sure if I am feeling God tell me that, or if I am just desiring it so badly; it is hard to tell with these things.

Traditionally for me, Spring and Summer are a horrible time. It's hot, it's bright, I do not sleep well, and there is nothing that makes you feel more miserable and lonely than seeing happy couples walking around together.

BUT...

...This is my time. This is my year. This is my season; after years of (bleak and barren) Winter, this is truly my Spring.

I am expecting good things. I am expecting to be blown away by God's goodness and His grace. Not because I deserve it, but because that is the sort of God that I know and love and serve.

Come what may, it is my time to be blessed. I wait expectantly.

Thank You, Lord.

I am not going through this year alone. I was not made to walk alone through this life, so I am not going to. God has somebody for me. I beleive that. I receive that. It's coming.

Good things, blessings, God's goodness. Waiting for my blessings.

Today

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Another day I used to love to celebrate.

But, I hate doing stuff alone, so...just another day, now.

Meh.

Bleh.

Bah-humbug.

Bi-Zee !

Wow, am I busy lately.

Let's see. I am in the middle of yet another game of Dragon Age:Origins, which I haven't touched in about ten or twelve (definitely not eleven, though) days, but mean to get back to relatively soon. I also just started playing a game called "Sacred" early Tuesday morning (or late Monday night). Really simple type of game, but a lot of fun anyways. Also, I was waiting for Tech Support to get back to me on a game I downloaded about 6 months ago that I am finally ready to play (called "Torchlight"), but I had lost my activation code for it; they got back to me yesterday, so when I have time I plan on starting that up - maybe in a week or two? I watched Zombieland on DVD the other day, as well as just recently having finished watching the Justice League animated series on DVD and the Justice League-Crisis On Two Earths animated movie.

On top of all this, I am currently way behind on my online comic; I took a brief hiatus from it to re-spark my creativity, and hope to get back to writing it tomorrow. Meanwhile, my creative juices started flowing in unusual and unexpected directions, and next thing I knew, I had joined the Deviantart community. So, I have been sharing photos I have taken and photos of myself (and getting some responses to them from other artsy types), and as well I am planning on sharpening my pencils and trying my hand at doing some simple drawings and posting them (which should be a hoot, as my artistic skills do NOT lend themselves to drawing! lol).

All of this, plus reading my Bible daily (and reminding God He promised me a helpmeet - this is my year!), reading some comic books, I just finished reading a novel and am halfway through another larger one, and I have been working on house-cleaning today when I was not watching hockey on TV. And going out to the post office, paying bills, getting my tax stuff together so I can do my taxes...and did a bit of grocery shopping, too!

Oh...my...goodness!


Where do I find time in my day to fit all of this stuff in?

I do not know how I do it right now...I seem to have a rush of energy lately...

Which is weird, because I haven't been sleeping well for a while now. Hm...

Anyways, that is all that is going on in my life, LOL.

Toodles. Gotta read some comics, then go to bed, so I can get up and do some laundry.

deleted

Hey There,

I deleted these two blogs recently, as I have no time to give to them, I am stretched too thin as it is.

http://ward-of-gorion.blogspot.com/

and

http://benevolent-kingdom.blogspot.com/


Also, it is time for me to freely admit that, as much as I love this blog here,

http://canadas-own-the-flight.blogspot.com/

there is no chance that I will ever post anything there again, unless Marvel Comics gets off there butts and starts printing another run of Alpha Flight comics.

That being said, i will still be posting here often, and I will still be posting up my poetry at that other site (with links there from this one). And, i hope to continue my online comic, I have just taken a momentary hiatus from it as I feel a little overwhelmed at this time.

See you on the 'net!

the last time

For my Lord...


lyrics to Rob Rock's "This Time Is The Last Time"

The answer is staring me right in the face
Been trying so hard but I’ve made my mistakes
I’ve been down this road before
And I’ve always wanted so much more

This time is the last time
I will give my heart away
This time is the last time
I will ever trust again

So hard to believe when you’ve been cut down and torn
I’ve waited so long just to walk through this door
Now my heart is in Your hands
We must realize the sacred plan

This time is the last time
I will give my heart away
This time is the last time
I will ever trust again

This is the last time!

I feel You come closer and my heart lies next to me
I feel You come closer and my soul won’t let me be

This Time – Last Time

This time is the last time
I will give my heart away
This time is the last time
I will ever trust again

This time is the last time
I will give my heart away
This time is the last time
I will ever trust again

poem

A poem I wrote, about waiting for the woman of my dreams...


http://leplaunpoetree.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-tarry-until-you.html

story of the year

Thoughts. Running, parading, stampeding thru my mind.


Nobody in human history can better understand what it feels like to be betrayed, than Jesus. He was betrayed by a friend and a confidante, a trusted person inside his most loyal of circles, someone who was supposed to, was expected to understand Who He was and why He was here.

Surely then, God completely understands the pain I felt, and sometimes still feel a shadow of, the pain of my having somebody who believed in me, who briefly believed in us, turn around and walk away, leaving behind desolation.

As painful and shocking as that was, God did not turn away and grimace when it happened; to Him, or to me. He saw it, He took it upon Himself, and He opened His arms wide in love. And at that moment, He saw me and all of my hurts, one of which was my heartache at what has befallen my life. He truly understands, as nobody else can; it happened to Him, too, but on a much larger and grander scale.

Desolation. Described as; devastation, ruin, the state of being abandoned or forsaken, loneliness, wretchedness, misery.

Is there anything more alone, than having connected with somebody on a meaningfully, life-changing level, and then losing them forever?

Yet, by the grace of God, I survive!

God promises to restore to us the locust years, the years that the destroyer takes from us. I believe that this includes the years that I potentially had, with a soul that was bound to mine, yet never got.

Somebody told me recently, that the connection and rapport you have with your first spouse, you never get back. Your future spouses, you never have that with them, and that this is a cruel joke of life.

I disagree. It took me a while, but I now disagree. You see, it happened to me; twice.

The rapport and connection I had with my first wife, was built upon time; time together, in our more formative stages of life, built that relationship to where it was. To where you think alike, you know what the other is thinking. You have some real understanding of your partner. I had that with my first wife. It took time, but we built that between us.

I did not have it with my second wife. But, with Melanie, I discovered something; anything that man can do himself through time, God can do on a spiritual level in a nanosecond. Melanie and I connected, in a deep and extremely meaningful way, almost overnight, to the point where I felt I had a real instantaneous understanding of her, of her faults, of her pains, of her motives, and of her wants. She didn’t have to teach me these things, over time – God just showed them to me.

This CAN happen this way. God is the God of the miraculous. And the God of 2nd chances.

One last thought; I will not settle for a life of being alone and lonely. I do not deserve it, and as a child of God I will not expect it. I will get better than that, because of Who God is. This is my year. My year to find somebody. Miraculously. Wonderfully. A deep connection beyond my wildest imaginings. This is my year.

well

Well. As in, better. As in, it is well; with my soul.

Or a bit better, at least.

I am going thru some stuff right now. 'Bout time, i guess. Cannot stuff my emotions and memories forever, and never deal with them. God is softening me up, softening up my heart - that causes pain. But that's okay. If God is bringing things to the surface, there is a reason, so I will trust Him to see me thru.

Below are some beautiful lyrics, from Rob Rock's song "Calling Angels";



I need to know if someone or something is there
Watching every move that I make
There’s got to be a reason for the cross that I bear
If I open my eyes will I wake?

Shattered emotions and seasons of change
Riding the wind bringing troubles again
Living on the edge I have made my mistakes
But that was yesterday

Calling Angels, come watch over me
Catch me from falling I want to believe
Calling Angels, spread your wings over me,
Cover my heart, from pains’ memory

I don’t know where I’m going but I sure know where I’ve been
I’m feeling the walls closing in
I’ve got to break these chains that are holding me down
The healing inside must begin

Turning the corner and starting again
Rise from the ashes, take hold of the flame
I must have faith there’s an answer above
To make it through the night

Calling Angels, come watch over me
Catch me from falling I want to believe
Calling Angels, spread your wings over me,
Cover my heart, from pains’ memory

Calling Angels, come watch over me
Catch me from falling I want to believe
Calling Angels, spread your wings over me,
Cover my heart, from pains’ memory

Calling Angels
Cover my heart, spread your wings over me
I want to believe, I want to believe
Calling Angels

broke

I don't know what is wrong with me. But I think I should go and kneel down and have a talk with God.

I truly do not think that anybody is meant to feel this battered and beaten, this broken, this unwhole, for this length of time. It isn't healthy, and surely it isn't right.

Something is wrong, because I am still broken...


Lyrics to Broken by Seether featuring Amy Lee




(Verse 1)
I wanted you to know
That I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain …away
I keep your photograph
And I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain


(Chorus 1)
‘cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away


(Bridge)
You've gone away
You don't feel me here....anymore

(Verse 2)
The worst is over now
And we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain…away
There's so much left to learn
And no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain


(Chorus 2)
‘cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away




(Chorus 2)
‘cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away


(Chorus 1)
‘cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone … away


(Bridge)
You're gone away
You don't feel me here....anymore

Ouch

So, I just got back from taking a drive to Zellers. I went a slightly different way than I normally would; not a big deal, just several blocks over, came at it from a different angle is all.

Wouldn’t you know it; I saw her.

Or, rather, to be more exact, I saw her car, and I believe she was driving but cannot be certain. I am…unsure…as to whether or not I really wanted to know…

I hate that she still brings up feelings in me. Or, possibly, I love that she does, because it tells me my feelings were real. I am conflicted, and confused; and somehow I doubt I ever will NOT be.

I hate that seeing her, or thinking I see her, brings up feelings of anger and pain in me still. I hate it, because I think I do not hate her, yet I react like I do hate her when she is potentially near me. I wish her well, when I think of her, but realistically I know that she will never want to see me, so there can be nothing there. On a mental level, I am okay with that. Emotionally…I think I am still more numb, more in a spiritual state of shock, than “okay”.

This reminds me of when, a few weeks ago while cleaning up my closet, I found the birthday gift I had wrapped up for her, the one she had refused to accept. I kept that thing in my closet for over a year and a half. When I found it, I cried, then I threw it away. It hurt too much to remember that. I still remember her birthday. I still remember how she takes her coffee. I still remember her fears. I still remember the few times I saw tears in her eyes. I still remember sharing God’s love with her, and how when I shared that everything in life felt completely right for the first time ever in my life. And, I still remember what it felt like to lose that; I still feel it, when I let myself.

It is funny, the things that you remember and hold onto. Funny, and sad. I still have a framed picture of her, sitting on my living room floor underneath some papers. I know where it is. It is face-down, so I do not have to look at it. Maybe I should not have it. Maybe I should. What is the right answer? I do not know; but I cannot get rid of it. The emptiness of the whole situation defeats me, still; I seriously thought I would never lose with this one. I’m not sure how to deal with the fact that I DID lose her. I cannot make it make any sense.

More than anything, this whole situation just makes me want to weep. Not so much self-pity tears, although some of them would be from that I am sure. I have just never experienced feeling God’s love for an unsaved person before, and then having to face that they have rejected Him, and you too. I…you have nowhere to go with that feeling. There is no bright light that you can turn on, no spotlight that beams down and helps you find a silver lining; there’s nothing. Just black, empty, nothingness. Void. Death. Eternal aloneness. Unspeakable pain. And, it is going to happen to somebody you care deeply for, and have no more influence with. There…is no way to soothe that pain away, is there? You live with it, you deal with it, but you cannot ever make it go away; it just IS.

I don’t blame her. I do miss her. But I cannot be around her.

Life is funny that way. Funny, in a permanently painful sort of way.

Like, who would have thought that I would be more broken up from Melanie, than I would be over my marriage? Just shows where the real connection was...

Just doesn't make any sense. All this time later, there still is no sense to it...

I Need More

"There must be more than this,
Oh breath of God, come breathe within..."



I had an interesting dream last night.

I dreamt I was following Jesus. There was a bunch of us, and we were following Him; literally. Going with Him (or after Him, depending) through fields and along country paths. Hanging out with Him in indoor pools, hot tubs, and feasting together. Just hanging out, laughing, and hanging off of His every word.

A very ‘different’ interpretation of Jesus than I have really ever had before. Pretty cool. A more laid-back, gregarious, life-loving Jesus than how I have pictured Him before.


Lyrics to "She Don't Know She's Beautiful"

We go out to a party somewhere
The moment we walk in the door
People stop and everybody stares
She don't know what they're staring for

She don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her so

There she goes just walking down the street
And someone lets a whistle out
A girl like her she just can't see
What the fuss is all about

And she don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her so

Morning comes and her hair's all a mess
That's when she thinks she looks her worst
It's times like this she don't know why
I can't take my eyes off her

'Cause she don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her
She don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her
She don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her so




I am feeling pretty darned emotional lately, about a lot of things. I’m missing having somebody in my life to tell them that they are beautiful and special. I mean, I know I have my daughter, and I love her to pieces, I do. But, it is not the same things as having that lady in your life who makes you want to protect her, want to cherish her, want to put her on a pedestal for all of the world to see, make her believe in herself and see herself as the treasure that she is. I miss that. Some days, more than others. I want, I need, somebody to talk with, share with, somebody to seek God with, a partner, someone to enrich my life and make it be more passionate and exciting. It’s been too long without, and my life is starting to suffer because of it. I do not want to deteriorate, I want to accelerate. I don’t want to grow old, I want to grow wild.

God, keep my heart safe, and soft, until that lady arrives.




"Fill us anew each day,
Leave us abandoned to Your praise..."

My "Peace" Of Art

So, I am really having a lot of fun over here lately,

http://peace-keepers-canada-inc-onlinecomic.blogspot.com/

writing the adventures of the Canada Peace Keepers Inc team of superheroes.

Initially, I planned to tell the story from the point of view of a constantly changing character, so that no two stories ever seemed alike because different personalities would be living them and telling them. “The world through many camera lenses” sort of deal. But, something strange happened on the way to the Coliseum…

I ended up getting really hooked on the first team member I introduced. So much so, that I have written pages and pages and pages of stuff, and it has all revolved around her and the way she sees things, unveiling to the reader bit by bit just who she is and what she is really like.

It wasn’t the way I intended to do things, but sometimes when you write, things just write themselves. Sometimes characters surprise you, and turn out different than you thought they were. Sometimes a strong personality just leaps to the forefront, and stays there, despite your plans. Such is the life of an artiste. Called by the muse, serenaded under the moon, then jerked about by the puppeteer until your arms threaten to fall off, and you realize that the creation is controlling the creator, the inmates are running the asylum…and you smile, and couldn’t be happier.

The story, such as it is so far, is taking a lot longer to tell than I thought it would. I am learning, that this is what happens when you have a strong female lead character who cries out for more of the limelight. I am really enjoying writing a female character – I find that Vanessa Jensson has unexpected strength, little time for idiots, yet loves people and the little pleasures in life. I think I more enjoy trying to write from behind the eyes of a female character, because they are so much more complex, so many different layers to them. Men are too simple. Really, men are almost exactly how they seem to be. Women, though…fascinating creatures.

The story is also taking twists in directions that I already never expected to go. As parts of the characters’ personalities begin to emerge, the story drives itself in new and untold directions. It goes from the framework you have in your mind, and builds itself piece by piece into a city of fantastic beauty and grandiose architecture. The characters truly choose their own paths, and the paths they choose help to determine just who exactly they are. I have already written scenes that I never, ever expected to be writing; but the characters brought me to them.

I enjoy playful interactions, flirting, subtle eye and facial gestures and body language that certain people pick up on, and others have no clue about. I love introducing someone, and knowing very little about them, and then having one single line of conversation twist and turn in upon itself, and it opens up a whole new level of who this person is, and suddenly I am sitting here filling in their background in my notes. I like writing friendships that do not seem likely but become obvious after you write them, and I like writing two characters side-by-side who do not seem to like each other, but trying hard not to give that away to the reader all at once. I love the thought processes that go into storytelling, I love the background, the history, the bit players who become important, and the characters whom you expect to be one way but you write them in a completely different manner in order to shock the reader and cause the story’s playing field to tilt in an unusual direction. I love researching foreign names and cities on the internet, looking at pictures of moving dollies to firmly fix in your mind what they look like, and also just the feeling of intense satisfaction (and intense pressure) from knowing you are creating a world that did not previously exist. And I love the internet, where you can “publish” these works without having to go through rejection letters and red tape.

All in all, I am thoroughly enjoying my time writing these adventures. But they do take up a lot of my time, so anybody who wants to send me pre-packaged and pre-cooked meals that I can pop in the microwave, that’d be great; that, and some clean clothes. And a new toothbrush, because toiletries are an essential item, don’t you know! And a new keyboard, I am wearing mine out. Oh, and about that food – if you can make it takeout from Rudy’s drive-in in Texas, that’d be just perfect…

Oh, and did I mention how hard it is to be a man and have to learn how to describe women's clothing in writing? Anybody who can help me understand these things, I'll hire you as my assistant (the wages are lousy, but the benefits are...well, non-existent, quite frankly).

So, I hope you enjoy reading my stuff. If you don’t have time for it, or don’t enjoy it, no worries. Not everybody appreciates fine art, after all.

Toodles! And, see you in the funny pages!

2nd chances

Happy 87th birthday, Dad. As always, you are my hero, and the person I strive the most to be like. God's continued grace be with you.





“Second Chances”

The very phrase makes me weep.

I am so glad to serve a God of second chances. And, it is amazing, how when as a person you least feel like you deserve one…He is there.

I have been watching the Justice League DVDs lately. A 6-season tv show, running I think from 2003 to 2009. I never saw it on tv, but I have the first four seasons on DVD. You know, the Justice League – Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, Superman, and many other DC Comics heroes.

At the end of season two of Justice League, there is a heart-stopping moment; the Thanagarians have just invaded the earth and been beaten off. Hawkgirl, a member of the Justice League, was revealed to be a commander in the Thanagarian army, and a spy sent to earth to learn its weaknesses. Despite the fact that she helped free the Justice League and save the earth from doom against the wishes of her own people, the Justice League does not know if they can trust her and are voting as to whether to allow her to remain one of them. Before they tell her the verdict, she quits and walks away in tears. Alone on a planet not her own, without a friend, without family, having betrayed the people of her birth planet and of earth, she is left broken-hearted and alone. Near the end of season three, she returns, a changed person, but still searching for meaning in her life. Not expecting any acceptance, she nevertheless finds it, as the League tells her that despite the feelings of most humans because of her betrayal, that they still believe in her, and that the vote they took ended up being to keep her in the league. And they welcome her back. Strangely enough, she doesn’t feel welcome, or trusted, or like she deserves to be forgiven…

After getting over the ‘weepies’ at this development in the show, I pondered…isn’t this exactly how we are when we mess up in our lives?



I know people who know me (not that there are that many of you who do) are concerned for me, because I do not have a woman in my life at this time. (Although, my parents keep reminding me that I am the same age now as my dad was when my mom met and married him)

Of more concern for me, is that I have not had a true, close friend in a very, very long time. By my calculation, about 12 years. That is a long time to have nobody to trust, to share deeply with, to care about, and who reciprocates that in kind.

Too long. It is a wonder that even I have survived that long without one. Only by the grace of God…





What seems like a long time ago now, but isn’t really that long ago, I met a girl. It was a time when my heart was just beginning to tenderize after taking a frightful pounding for a few years. This girl wasn’t special to anybody else. Just an ordinary girl. Nothing much to look at. Full of problems.

I fell in love with her soul. Her immortal soul, that spark that God places in all of us. I couldn’t help it. Nor, if I could go back and change it, would I, in spite of all that has happened to me since.

No, I did not get a crush on her. I did not rebound and fall for her. This isn’t about that, not at the beginning, anyways. It was her soul; it called to me. It was crushed, bruised, beaten, despised. She was in hopeless straits in her life. She reminded me so much of my Saviour, of what He went through to save us from the same.

I didn’t fall FOR her; I fell, because somebody had to, somebody needed to, and I was willing. She needed somebody to believe in her, somebody to tell her she was worthwhile, somebody to show her that God loved her. I wasn’t the perfect person to do it, and I think I proved that point through what went down. But I may have been the only one. I don’t know, I cannot answer that question.

In spite of the hurt that I took out of this, and still bear with me on many days, I do not regret being the one to stand forth for her. It had to be done, because, to God, she was worth it. I tried to be God’s humble servant; I failed. His strength, became my own strength. His love that I felt for her, got twisted up and became my own love for her as well. I was not strong enough, though perhaps the point that I needed to learn (and am still learning, obviously) was that I was never meant to be strong enough – just obedient. I wasn’t meant to be the be-all, end-all for her, merely a vessel-in-play along her path.

I think back to Moses, who I am reading about in the Bible now. He was called. Called to bring freedom to God’s people. To show them the love of the Saviour who was coming, through his actions. Moses felt weak, too. He asked God to not let him be the one. He asked to bring Aaron along to speak for him. All God wanted, was for him to be willing and obedient. It was God who was going to do it, not him. Moses tried to solve the problems facing God’s people on his own; he saw something he did not like, and took up the sword and tried to change things himself. In my own story, I did the same too many times; trying on my own to get her saved, God’s way seemed to slow. I wanted to SEE her get saved, I wanted to BE there. I didn’t want to water the seed, I wanted to harvest it. And, like Moses, my plans came crashing down around me.

Maybe, just maybe, like Moses, far down the road, I will get to see the end result. I am not holding my breath. But I would dearly love to see that redemption moment for her. Maybe God still has a way that He can use me in her life. After all, Moses was not involved with his people for like 60 years or so, until God called him from the bush to go back and finish what God was starting. Maybe, just maybe, one day God will place me in her path.

I can only pray that if that happens, that I fall to my knees and worship Him, and tell my God that I am willing to do things His way, not my way.

I think that I am STILL in love with her soul. But now, I know it is not MY soul to have, it is HIS. He can use me, or He cannot. I just pray that He remembers the work that He started in her, and completes it.

Melanie Joy Young, welcome to a life changed, a life re-arranged, a life worth living. Whether you know it or not, it is waiting there for you. Waiting with outstretched arms, arms nailed to a wooden cross for you. He died with your name on His lips. I believe that He will see you home.


Second Chances. Not just for me, but for everyone that God calls by name. Melanie included.



As for me, mine are coming as well. Can’t see them yet, but they are coming. “God will provide all my needs; according to His riches in glory.” Amen.


By the way, anybody interested in Hawkgirl and the Justice League, here are two short videos, one showing how Hawkgirl leaves the league and her lover, Green Lantern, behind, and the other a montage of Hawkgirl scenes set to some love song. (Something new for me - embedding the video right onto my blog!)




and




Enjoy. I know I did. Sometimes, even the simplest things, like Saturday morning cartoon shows, can speak more to the heart, and the soul, than the best-meant words of those closest to you. Funny what God uses to help restore hope to a shattered life, isn't it?

Looking forward to being completely able to look forward to what my story has on the next page. I'm getting there, just slowly.

and

I am not following the Olympics much. Mainly, cuz I do not care, so why bother?

However, I said before they started that Canada would not do well in men's hockey. I said that the US would beat Canada in their match, and after it I stated that Canada would not even get a medal in hockey.

My pre-game prediction for the upcoming game, is; Germany 2, Canada 1

We'll see how close I am on that one!

gone

R.I.P. Uncle Jim.

Gone but not forgotten,
In the Father's loving arms,
Joy and peace abounding,
Ever safe from harm.

rockin'

Rockin' out to some Saint lately.

Outside of Stryper, possibly the best Christian lyrics for this style of music.

lyrics to "Abyss" by Saint

The battle happened in Heaven,
The battle happened a long time ago,
Satan in a rage, I think it's something we all should know,
The devil took by his side one third of Heaven to fall with him,
And now the demons they cry and the False Prophet burns with them

Well you know it's not safe to go out at night
His wrath comes so quick, but my God never lies
Welcome to Abyss, I hope you have fun

Look for the masquerader, look for the one who lied
He's dressed like Dr.Jeckyl, but he's really Mr.Hyde
He wants to deceive you, he wants to drag you down besides
There is another choice, and by His strength the dragon dies

And you know it's not safe to go out at night
Life in fear, that's your right

So do you get the drift about spiritual suicide
That comes with following the devil, he wants to see genocide
He wants to rip off your flesh, he wants to poke out your eyes
He's trying to get you in trouble, and yes he wants us all to die

But you know it's not safe to go out at night
His wrath comes so quick, but my God never lies
Don't want to see you in Abyss, you're not going to have fun
Forever is a long time when there ain't nowhere to run
Don't want to see you in Abyss

Making a difference...

...He's making a difference in me.


lyrics to "Primed And Ready" by Saint

The red of dawn is on the rise
you know it comes as no surprise,
The earth quake came, the wars are here
the end of time is getting near,
Poison waters fill the land
are you ready for the last stand,
Armor up, it’s not too late,
to join the few, to delegate

“Primed and Ready”
The end of time is near
“Someone’s Shouting”
He’s coming back for those who care

Soon the earth will burn in flames
and wickedness will stake it’s claim,
What’s to come out from the east
the son of death, the mighty beast,
Sinful men will hear his cry
On judgment day they all will die,
Evil's got them by the tail
And with their gods, they’ll burn in hell

“Primed and Ready”
The end of time is near
“Someone’s Shouting”
He’s coming back for those who care

When it all has come to pass
When the first have become last,
When evil's lost the final fight
To the King and all His might,
Memories will fade away
The horrors of forgotten days,
Except the one who’s chosen wrath,
He's tasting death, who’s laughing last?

“Primed and Ready”
The end of time is near
“Someone’s Shouting”
He’s coming back for those who care

so far...but yet

So far, this year of 2010 has tried to keep me down. It has tried to crush me under its weight, and make me lose sight of God's goodness.

But God has good things in store for me. I might be in financial difficulty now, but God has already made a way out, and He will show it to me.

God's blessings are coming to me this year. Just you wait, and I will be able to show them to you.

I will seek God's Wisdom, and He will show me the paths I am to walk. End of story. Blessings to follow.

Shaded poem

I am really proud of this one.

http://leplaunpoetree.blogspot.com/2010/02/shaded.html

I wrote it a month or so ago, but never blogged it until now. I am so happy, both with the way it expresses emotional turmoil and regret (and fear), and with the way it rolls off the page and the tongue (when spoken.

One of the better poems I have written in a few years.

Well, I have decided to start up an online comic book, combining my love of superheroes with my love of writing. Alas, no art skills, sorry. :(

http://peace-keepers-canada-inc-onlinecomic.blogspot.com/

is where it will all be happening. Feel free to check it out, or join up as a fan!

lost, not a slave

I refuse to be a slave to television.

There is nothing I hate worse, than HAVING to be at home on a certain day or night, at a certain time, to watch some stupid tv show. I have seen too many lives lost to the bube-tube. Too many people, rotting their minds away behind the tv screen, begging for more even as we drool away all of our sanity. When I say that I hate television with a passion, I mean it.

About a year and a half ago or so, I got Lost. I bought the first season of Lost on DVD a few months before that, I had heard so much about it, and it intrigued me. And I got hooked. To my mind, it is the best-written drama series ever put on television.

But I refuse to watch it on tv.

Since I bought, and watched, that first season on DVD, I have bought the next four seasons, and watched all but Season 5. And I have never, ever, watched an episode on tv. The only thing I watch on tv, besides the odd religious show, is hockey, and I tape that on my Digital Recorder and watch it later (that way, I can forward through the commercials, and get done much quicker).

I waited until Seaosn 6 had already started airing on tv, before delving into the Season 5 DVDs. That way, I will not be a slave to the tv. This way, I keep my independance, I make my own choices, and I live my life the way that I choose to (not the way some station executive chooses for me).

Season 6 of Lost has started. And I have opened my DVDs of Season 5. I am now 5 episodes in. I had to MAKE myself stop watching, to take a break, a breather; it is that good of a show.

I may be Lost, but I am a free man, not a slave.

Season 6 of Lost is to be the last season of the show. The DVD will come out in October, most likely. And, when it does, I will watch Season 6; on my time, in my way. Because I am free.

Lost, but free.

Ran Dumb

Some random thoughts, spilling from my head...




So, I am sitting here thinking…how many people enter into marriage, or any other long-term committed relationship, with the goal being that they want to be happy or find happiness?

What is it with us, that we do that? How come so many of us never learn?

We wander around with our extension cords in our hands, looking for a place to plug them in. We want that light in our hearts to come on. But, we keep looking to plug into another person. And, that person most often has an extension cord in their hands as well! It’s insane!

If you cannot even be happy with yourself, how can you possibly enter into a relationship, fooling yourself into believing that you can make another unhappy person happy and that the same unhappy person can make you happy?! That’s nuts!

Relationships should only be for the emotionally healthy, for those who love God and accept His love for them, for people with peace in their lives and love overflowing in their hearts.

Think about it; why is it, usually, that people get divorced or break up? Either they aren’t happy, or they think somebody else can make them happier. HEL-LO! Why are we relying on somebody else for our happiness?!




Happy Birthday to ; Axl Rose, Natalie Cole, Tom Brokaw, Rip Torn, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Babe Ruth, and President Ronald Reagan.


And, a quote from my favourite move, Say Anything:
"I wouldn't get my hopes up, Lloyd."
"I'm sorry, it's just that you're a really nice guy and we don't want to see you get hurt."
"I wanna get hurt!!"