Ouch

So, I just got back from taking a drive to Zellers. I went a slightly different way than I normally would; not a big deal, just several blocks over, came at it from a different angle is all.

Wouldn’t you know it; I saw her.

Or, rather, to be more exact, I saw her car, and I believe she was driving but cannot be certain. I am…unsure…as to whether or not I really wanted to know…

I hate that she still brings up feelings in me. Or, possibly, I love that she does, because it tells me my feelings were real. I am conflicted, and confused; and somehow I doubt I ever will NOT be.

I hate that seeing her, or thinking I see her, brings up feelings of anger and pain in me still. I hate it, because I think I do not hate her, yet I react like I do hate her when she is potentially near me. I wish her well, when I think of her, but realistically I know that she will never want to see me, so there can be nothing there. On a mental level, I am okay with that. Emotionally…I think I am still more numb, more in a spiritual state of shock, than “okay”.

This reminds me of when, a few weeks ago while cleaning up my closet, I found the birthday gift I had wrapped up for her, the one she had refused to accept. I kept that thing in my closet for over a year and a half. When I found it, I cried, then I threw it away. It hurt too much to remember that. I still remember her birthday. I still remember how she takes her coffee. I still remember her fears. I still remember the few times I saw tears in her eyes. I still remember sharing God’s love with her, and how when I shared that everything in life felt completely right for the first time ever in my life. And, I still remember what it felt like to lose that; I still feel it, when I let myself.

It is funny, the things that you remember and hold onto. Funny, and sad. I still have a framed picture of her, sitting on my living room floor underneath some papers. I know where it is. It is face-down, so I do not have to look at it. Maybe I should not have it. Maybe I should. What is the right answer? I do not know; but I cannot get rid of it. The emptiness of the whole situation defeats me, still; I seriously thought I would never lose with this one. I’m not sure how to deal with the fact that I DID lose her. I cannot make it make any sense.

More than anything, this whole situation just makes me want to weep. Not so much self-pity tears, although some of them would be from that I am sure. I have just never experienced feeling God’s love for an unsaved person before, and then having to face that they have rejected Him, and you too. I…you have nowhere to go with that feeling. There is no bright light that you can turn on, no spotlight that beams down and helps you find a silver lining; there’s nothing. Just black, empty, nothingness. Void. Death. Eternal aloneness. Unspeakable pain. And, it is going to happen to somebody you care deeply for, and have no more influence with. There…is no way to soothe that pain away, is there? You live with it, you deal with it, but you cannot ever make it go away; it just IS.

I don’t blame her. I do miss her. But I cannot be around her.

Life is funny that way. Funny, in a permanently painful sort of way.

Like, who would have thought that I would be more broken up from Melanie, than I would be over my marriage? Just shows where the real connection was...

Just doesn't make any sense. All this time later, there still is no sense to it...