3

Three critical albums.

I love these albums. Just yesterday, I put all three of them in my car.

I absolutely love albums that have not a weak song on them.

These three albums are...

"Unstable" by Adema
"Train Of Thought" by Dream Theater
"Transform" by Powerman 5000

Not for the weak, these hard rock albums bring down the house, from start to end.

3.
Three albums that I absolutely love.
'Nuff said.

How Imp.

How important is it to be believed in by somebody?

I believe it is HUGELY important.

Now, how important is it to believe in somebody else?

Something I have discovered in life, is this; all the things we want, all the things that we need, all the things that we tend to rely on those around us to give us, all these things are the things we need to GIVE to those we love.

It is not by getting that we feel good about ourselves – it is by giving.

In my life, I want to be loved. I feel that aching desire within me. Planted by God, watered by circumstance, it is a real need.
But I am older now than I once was, and more mature and more wise as well. I have come to discover that just as much as I want to BE loved, I want to GIVE love.

Last year, somebody special came into my life. She meant everything to me. And, you know what? It is actually debateable whether or not she loved me. But, still, she was important to me. I have discovered her purpose in my life (well, one of them, anyways). Her purpose was to teach me that 'I was made to give love'. I was created to be involved in somebody’s life, to give them my every best wish and prayerful best desires, to care for and about them in ways that stretch my soul to its very limit.

Because, that is what makes me a true human, and a true Christian. And that is what makes me feel good about myself and my life. Finding that one person to care about that way, and then giving even far beyond what you have to give. That is what makes life worthwhile. That is what makes my life mean something.


On another (connected) note, I really do miss being in love. It is a rush that just cannot be believed.
I miss flirting. Oh, not the sensual and sexual sort of flirting, but those things you say and do to let the other know that you are very interested in them.
I miss the meaningful glances. I miss the “accidental” brushing against the skin of the other.
I miss saying “I love you” and meaning it with all of my heart, and having the sentiment returned back to you, causing you to almost pass out for joy.
I miss waking up with a smile on my face, because I know that somebody loves me.

Some of these things, I can get from my relationship with God. But only the things that I am meant to get from Him. Some of these great benefits of earthly love, are just that – benefits of earthly love. God created love, and He created many levels of love. Just as I cannot get from another human being the love that will fill up the God-shaped hole in my soul, so also I cannot expect my relationship with God to give me some of the benefits that can only be gotten by loving (and being loved by) another human being.

So, yes, I do miss being in love. I look forward to one day being in love again.

And this time, it is going to be so great, so beautiful, so God-ordained, that it is going to make up for all those other failures.

Interview

Just caught this awesome interview with Michael Sweet, reminiscing about Stryper, talking about his new gig as the frontman for the legendary band Boston, and of course speaking to him about the recent passing of his wife Kyle.

The interview can be found on this webpage, simply scroll down until you see the Michael Sweet interview and click the link.

http://www.drewmarshall.ca/rss/tdms.rss

It is a radio interview, and lasts for 47 minutes. Please take time to listen to the whole thing, it is very moving and encouraging; I think it had me in tears more than a few times. And do not forget to say a prayer for Michael and his kids.

Apropos

Came upon this yesterday.

A poem written during the break-up of my first marriage.

Thought I'd share it here. Seems to go along with how i feel about various things yesterday and today.


This was written November 26th, 2002.



But I'm Alright


She left me all alone
Even the piano's gone
I came home and no one's there
I found her note and said a prayer
I'm alone in this life
Black has replaced our strife
I'm living without you
I survive another day
No one gets in my way
I'm alone, but I'm alright
Now music is my friend
Hear the sounds and drink them in
Silence won't reign here as king
I lift my voice and I will sing
I'm alone in this life
I'm living without strife
I get by without you
I survive another day
No one gets in my way
I'm alone, but I'm alright
You thought you'd do me in
Like a top give me a spin
I surprise you and rejoice
My pain it leaves as I give it voice
I'm alone in this life
Grey has covered over strife
I'm living without you
I'll survive another day
And no one gets in my way
I'm alone, but I'm alright
I'm alone in my life
I've gained it all as I lost my wife
I'm living without you
I can survive so many days
And your memory I erase
I'm alone, but I'm alright
I'm alone, but I'm alright
I'm alone, and that's alright

2nd place

The Bible says that I am a winner, not a loser, and that I am the head and not the tail.

I am feeling a little morose today. This always seems to happen on days when i have to visit the courthouse over my divorce.

Here is the thing. I know God's Word is true...but when do i SEE it be true?

When it comes to love, i am everybody's second choice. My first wife so kindly (lol) told me that she married me only to get away from her mother. My second wife picked me becuz nobody else was calling at the time, and she was tired of being alone. And as soon as her ex-husband showed up on the scene, she almost left me for him. Then, the woman i most recently (although it seems to be a lifetime ago already) fell for, i was her second choice, her "safewty net", the guy she would run to if things did not work out where she was - then, even though they did not work out like she wanted it to, she stayed with that first choice anyways.

I seem to only be attractive to women who are in bad relationships, but choose to stay in them. Or, women only want to be with me until something better comes around. I am always "door number two", the prize that eventually gets traded in for a toaster and a month's supply of whole-grain bread.

"Nice guys finish last". Well, in this world, it seems (so far) to be reality. Life isn't fair; never has been, never will be.

Pete

R.I.P. Peter Zezel, only 44 years old.

yawn

6AM...time for bed. But first...

Lincoln Brewster – All I Really Want

Lord I love the way You love me
And how You move me deep within
Lord I love the way You hold me
And draw me into You
Lord I love the way You bless me
And how You look into my heart
Lord I love the way You lead me
Right into Your arms

CHORUS:
God I praise Thee
You amaze me
Take my life
And let Your light shine through
Jesus Savior friend of sinners
Fill me up
Cuz all I really want is more of You



Lincoln Brewster – All The Earth Will Sing Your Praises

You took, You take our sins away oh God
You give and gave Your life away for us
You came down, You saved us thru the cross
Our hearts are changed because of Your great love

You lived, You died, You said in three days You would rise
You did, You're alive
You rule, You reign, You said You're coming back again
I know You will and all the earth will sing Your praises

No one, no name can rise above You Lord
One hope, one life will shine forever more
Your kingdom in heaven and on earth
Your children stand to sing of your great worth

just

Just chil-axing', doing a little blogging lately over at

http://ward-of-gorion.blogspot.com/

my story tonight

Lincoln Brewster - Everlasting God



Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer.

You are the everlasting God,
The everlasting God.
You do not faint,
You won't grow weary.
You're the defender of the weak,
You comfort those in need,
You lift us up on wings like eagles.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer.

You are the everlasting God,
The everlasting God.
You do not faint,
You won't grow weary.
You're the defender of the weak,
You comfort those in need,
You lift us up on wings like eagles.

You are the everlasting God,
The everlasting God,
The everlasting God,
The everlasting...

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.

(child speaking)

The Lord is the everlasting God,
The creator of all the Earth,
He never grows weak or weary,
No one can measure the depths of His understanding,
He gives power to the weak, and strength to the powerless,
Even youth will become weak and tired,
And young men will fall in exhaustion,
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength,
They will soar high on wings like eagles,
They will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and not faint,

Moving On

Moving on.

Moving on is not a simple thing.

I once thought it was, many years ago; I discovered that was not true. When my first marriage broke up for the last time, I met somebody. She was kind to me, and we hung out together. Eventually, we fell in love and got married. I thought I was over my first wife, over the marriage break-up. I found out, I was not.

Moving on. I am a guy, always have been. I do not know what it is like to be a girl, nor will I ever know. As a guy, I know form experience that many guys “get over” break ups and “move on” in life, by getting angry. They get enraged at the woman, they draw upon those negative and angry feelings that are always near the surface thanks to testosterone, and that is how they move on.

I do not wish to go that route. Anger destroys you, it does not heal you. It isn’t a solution, just a crippling disease that focuses your emotions somewhere other than your pain and loss.

Another way to get over somebody you have loved and cared for, is to find somebody else to care about. You know what? Truthfully, this sounds like a good option. I believe I have a lot to give, a lot to offer somebody. But herein lies the problem; as I have already discovered, you can set yourself up for a greater world of pain if you jump into one relationship without dealing with previous feelings first. I thought I was ready to move on when I met Rachelle, my second wife, I really did! But it took me a few years more before I had totally dealt with those emotional roadblocks from my first marriage. And it ruined the start of my second marriage, setting us on an uneven foundation.

So, the question remains; how do I move on?

It sounds so easy to make myself available to lover again. In theory, it is the correct thing to do. But which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Do I finish healing first and THEN get into another relationship, or do I finish my healing BY becoming involved with somebody else and truly moving on?

Is there an answer? If there is, I do not see it.

hurts come to light

Just got in the door from work. Thoughts flowing and cascading like a cacophony of sweet devouring…stuff. Must write them out – must purge them from myself, before I implode.


There is a part of me that believes that love is not just by chance. That love is too important in life, that it may possibly be the MOST important thing of all, and therefore surely it cannot just be by fluke when it happens. Oh, I know, there is a rational (mature?) part of me that argues against that – it tells me that love is just an emotion, and that people get into trouble by falling in love with those who are not right for them. Well, that part of me may be correct, but so is the other part. See, I can see and know and recognize those mature elements of life to be true…but I also know that Christ calls us to follow Him as little children, trusting in Him, following after what we cannot see with our five senses. It is called faith – and love, love is a lot like faith, isn’t it?

I believe in love. I believe that I am an artistic person, a “lover” if you will. I also see that this artistic part of me is trapped within the brain of a “thinker”. I like to know what is going on, and to analyze it.

Sigh…o woe is me, wretched man that I am, to be so trapped and divided within my own self! Makes me realize that I am a lot like the biblical King David, the one who wrote all those psalms – trying to figure life out, and throwing himself upon the mercy of God when he cannot. That’s me.

What am I trying to say? Something about love, I believe, but I cannot seem to force it out of my brain!

Let me lay it out on an emotional level, rather than an intellectual level, maybe that’ll help me get it out…

I hurt. Until this last year, never before had I loved a woman and not had that love returned, not had that woman in my arms and in my life, not married her and wanted to be with her and treat her right. I have never had to deal with rejection, in some ways. Oh, I know I have been divorced twice, but at least I was accepted BEFORE I was rejected (and much later), so that helps a lot. But this…this is different. This has affected me deeply. I GRIEVE. My heart, my soul, my spirit…they HURT.

There are some crazy parts of me that pop up on occasion, some things that suggest that what I am really doing is holding on to (insane) beliefs that even though MJ-and-I is deader-than-dead, that one day we will be alive again, in love. Together. Is that insane? Yes, for the most part, it is. It is not rational thinking or rational hope. But, I am a lover, and I cannot help thinking that way on occasion.

Makes me wonder some things.

For instance, how badly did I mess this situation up? Isn’t it possible that God had wanted me to be her friend, just her friend, to stick by her and support her, to never give up on her, until one day she was free to love me as well? Yes, it is possible. But, I will never know, unless God chooses to tell me so (and I will NOT ask Him).

I know it was wrong of me to love her, and to expect her to love me, when I was saved and she is not.

BUT…love is not just a fluke. It happens, and I truly believe it always happens for a reason.

I may have messed up my future, and hers. I may have screwed up royally, worse than I ever have before.

Those are dark thoughts, but that is where my mind can lead me, when I hurt so much in such deep places within myself.

I do not like me without her. Even though I never had her, I still do not feel complete without her in my life. She was every dream I had ever wanted. Now, she is gone. And I feel dead, stripped bare and laid out to rot. When she slipped away from me, I not only died, but in some deep level within me I die again anew every day.

My mind says one thing, and my mind may be right. Yet my heart’s pain cannot be silenced.

What do I want?

That is a good question.

On one hand, I want to stop hurting.

On another, to stop hurting by way of forgetting about MJ and what she has meant to me…maybe I would rather keep suffering within, rather than let go of everything?

Maybe what I still want, is to know that even though I screwed up, that God can make something beautiful of this. I do not want to limit God or place restrictions on Him, so I will not be stupid enough to say that the only beautiful thing that can come of this is if Melanie comes back to me and loves me. I just think…that of all the beautiful things that COULD happen, that would be the MOST beautiful thing that I could imagine. It doesn’t make it likely. Of course, the least likely thing in this world happened already to me – God came down to earth and lived a sinless life as a man and died a horrible death on the cross to save me. Somehow, when I look at that, when I think about that, then NO good thing will God withhold from me. That is a given, a surety. I…just am not sure if this desire is a good thing, or not.

So, what do I know? That God loves me, that God desires to bless me. That I need to be open to that blessing, no matter what form it takes. That I feel like crying right now, but I cannot quite do it. That I still love Melanie Joy Young. That I am a lover, and a realist, and that I have to be BOTH, not just one. That, other than these things, I do not know much of anything.

But, this has been good for me. I mean…how long has it been since I admitted that I love her? How long has it been since I realized that I still would take her in my life, in a heartbeat? I seem to have hidden these things deep within myself, and only just now have I realized that they still live (and that I do not ever want them to die).

Being honest, being honest with yourself is a good thing, right? Right?

Melanie is NOT a bad person. Maybe my expectations of her were unreal. Maybe. Or maybe my timeframe for those expectations was too pushy, too insensitive, too needy. Regardless, she is what she is. She is unsaved, ungodly, ruled by sin. It’s not her fault, though – she was born that way! God (and I) desire to see her saved. To see her life changed from within by God’s abiding presence. It can happen to her. I pray that it does. I will die unhappy, if it does not. She means…she means oh so much to me! She makes my heart ache, for the beauty of her on the inside.

I will never meet somebody like her. I have trouble truthfully imagining that if I ever love anybody else, that they can ever hold a candle to her, and that I might be "settling" (for second best, or outside of God's perfect will) if I choose to love another. I may be insane to think that, and I may be ruining my future to think that, but it is STILL (even after all this time, even after things being dead for this long, even after all the crappy stuff that has happened, even though anything good happening is an impossibility!) the way that I feel!

She has affected me, and affected me for life. She captured my heart, I gave it willingly, and then she left…and now I have nothing.

No, my life is not all sadness. But…my life has a hole in it, and it is in the shape of Melanie. Nothing else will ever fill that part of me.

I have either found the greatest thing in the world in Melanie, or the worst thing in the world in Melanie. I guess it depends which part of me looks at it – the rational part, or the artistic part.

In the end, she is what she is. She is, what God has proclaimed her to be in my life, and in my heart. She is…a part of me.

Lord, make me whole again. I will not limit You, I will not close You in, I will not tell You or demand You to lead my life in a certain way lest I pray against Your will for me…so Lord, simply make me whole again, I ask in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Lord, I am a simple man. I just want to please You. Please Lord, be pleased with me, with my heart, with my honesty. Cuz i have nothing else to bring before You, but that. If You can use me, whether it be someday again in Melanie's life, or whether it be in the life of another, that is up to You. According to Your will, let my life go and be. Just make me whole again, Lord. Just make me whole again. Please...

I hurt. But at least by that, I know that I live.


As a small (but vitally important) add-on, I would like to point out that somebody today made this observation - that they felt that, yes, Melanie actually DID love me, and that she did not do everything she did to hurt me or be mean or to spite me.

I agree. I think, as well, that she did love me. That she did consider a life with me. That she was encouraged by me. That she liked being with me. That i was good for her.

Not wanting to put too much emphasis on this, but the devil hated that. And, so, we are where we are. And only God knows where we go from here.

And, He DOES know. I know He does.

from

my daily devotionals...




The Choice Is Ours

"I will make you My promised bride forever. I will be good and fair; I will show you My love and mercy."
Hosea 2:19 (NCV)

For all its peculiarities and unevenness, the Bible has a simple story. God made man. Man rejected God. God won't give up until He wins him back.

God will whisper. He will shout. He will touch and tug. He will take away our burdens; He'll even take away our blessings. If there are a thousand steps between us and Him, He will take all but one. But He will leave the final one for us. The choice is ours.

Please understand. His goal is not to make you happy. His goal is to make you His. His goal is not to get you what you want; it is to get you what you need.




That is so powerful. Let me emphasize that by re-saying it again...

Please understand. His goal is not to make you happy. His goal is to make you His. His goal is not to get you what you want; it is to get you what you need.

If only we could understand the truth in that, and hold onto it when times get tough and our sense of what's going on flounders in life, maybe then we would better understand both God and ourselves.

He's not Santa Claus; He's God, and there is no comparing the two. Apples and oranges are at least both still fruit; Santa Claus is a fictional figure, and God is "I AM", the Everlasting and Eternal One, the Alpha and the Omega, He is God and there is no other.

And that is why He is worthy to be praised, even when life is not what we thought it would be. Because He is still in control. He is still on the throne. He is still God. We just cannot understand everything He does or everything He chooses for us; and if we could, then He wouldn't be God.

And that is a good enough explanation for me. No matter what the question, the answer is "He is God."

Wisdom from...

Wisdom from the mouth of comic book characters...

"I think people are lonely. And it makes them sad. And I think some people can't tell the difference between being sad and being angry. They lash out at the people who care about them. I don't know. I guess I just feel sorry for them."

And, wisdom from my daily devotionals...

The Purpose of Life

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.
Matthew 22:37 (NCV)

Mine deep enough in every heart and you'll find it: a longing for meaning, a quest for purpose. As surely as a child breathes, he will someday wonder, "What is the purpose of my life?"

Some search for meaning in a career. "My purpose is to be a dentist." Fine vocation but hardly a justification for existence. They opt to be a human "doing" rather than a human "being." Who they are is what they do; consequently they do a lot. They work many hours because if they don't work, they don't have an identity.

For others, who they are is what they have. They find meaning in a new car or a new house or new clothes. These people are great for the economy and rough on the budget because they are always seeking meaning in something they own.... Some try sports, entertainment, cults, sex, your name it.

All mirages in the desert of purpose....

Shouldn't we face the truth? If we don't acknowledge God, we are flotsam in the universe.





And, then there is wisdom (or lack of understanding, perhaps?) from my own turmoiled life...
Here I sit, still heart-broken and confusion-wracked over a woman who i fell in love with a year or so ago. A woman who only briefly flirted with returning that love. A woman who i prayed for, every day, for many many months. A woman I believed in. A woman who God talked to me about, and a woman who I shared my faith in God with. A woman who needs to be saved. A woman i respected and believed in. A woman who abandoned me and hurt me badly, and now tries to ruin my reputation and get me fired, for no good reason. A woman i still have some feelings for. A woman that i still miss having in my life.
Where is the wisdom in this? Where is the sense, the reason?
Where is the way out? How do i stop the loop in my mind? How do i move on, truly move on?
No answers. Just questions. And i KNOW there are no answers. But it does not make the questions go away. Oh, sometimes i do not think them. Sometimes a day or two or maybe even three goes by, until i think about her again. But always, my mind comes back, to a better time for me, a time when i thought she was everything that i wanted, a time i thought i was good for her, a time i thought i was doing what was right and was following my spiritual destiny, a time i felt useful and truly alive for the first time in my life.
But, the here and now is different for me. Adrift. Unmoored. I once almost had everything i thought was supposed to be mine. I was THAT close to everything i wanted, for once i actually believed i deserved to be happy and that i was going to be happy. I had never been that close to earthly perfection and bliss before. Everything was within my reach. Then came that one dreaded word, the word that i detest more than anything, the word that has brought about the ruin of more plans than any other - "BUT".

I think she was sad, very very sad about her life, and she confused that sadness for anger and lashed out at me, the one person on this earth who would have supported her unconditionally, maybe the one person on this earth who would truly love her for who she is.
I also think that she has no real idea what her life is about. As a non-Christian, she has wrapped her whole life's purpose up in the words "family" - she believes that in spite of the fact that she, her mate, and her children are all miserable, that she should have to suffer through this pain for her lifetime in order to keep the family together. She believes that is what her life's purpose is.
On a third level, i showed her God, and she rejected Him, and so in the end she had to reject me as well, becuz otherwise i would keep showing Him to her and she would keep having to make that choice, and she did not want to admit that she was a sinner who needed God's help. I hope and pray that one day she will make the right choice and choose Christ. But she had to reject me, becuz she could not separate me from my God (or Him from me).

That is all that i know. That is all the "wisdom" that i have.

That, and the hope that time heals all wounds. How much time, now...that is the question that scares me...

be encouraged, o my soul

Lincoln Brewster – All To You

You called me, Lord
You know my name
I’m standing out
I’m not ashamed
No, no

I’ve searched and came up empty
This world has nothing for me
You are my one and only

I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You

You are the Lord of all I am
And I’ll never be the same again

I’ve searched and came up empty
This world has nothing for me
You are my one and only

I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You

I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You

I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You

I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me
I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me

I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me
I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me




Lincoln Brewster – Everyday

What to say, Lord? It’s You Who gave me life and I
Can’t explain just how much You mean to me now
That You have saved me, Lord, I’ll give all that I am to You
That everyday I could be a light that shines Your name

Everyday, Lord, I’ll learn to stand upon Your Word
And I pray that I, I might come to know You more
That You would guide me with every single step I take
That everyday I could be Your light unto the world

Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord

What to say, Lord? It’s You Who gave me life and I
Can’t explain just how much You mean to me now
That You would save me, Lord, I’ll give all that I am to You
That everyday I could be a light that shines Your name

Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord
I’ll walk with You, my Lord

Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord
My Lord, my Lord, my Lord, my Lord

It’s You I live for, everyday
It’s You I live for, everyday
It’s You I live for, everyday, my Lord

Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord
I’ll walk with You, my Lord


My devotional, from May the 8th

God Knows What He’s Doing

Surely I spoke of things I did not understand; I talked of things too wonderful for me to know.
Job 42:3 (NCV)

It's easy to thank God when he does what we want. But God doesn't always do what we want. Ask Job.


His empire collapsed, his children were killed, and what was a healthy body became a rage of boils. From whence came this torrent? From whence will come any help?


Job goes straight to God and pleads his case. His head hurts. His body hurts. His heart hurts. And God answers. Not with answers but with questions. An ocean of questions. . . . After several dozen questions ... Job has gotten the point. What is it?


The point is this: God owes no one anything. No reasons. No explanations. Nothing. If He gave them, we couldn't understand them.


God is God. He knows what He is doing. When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart.


And another from May 7th

He Knows How You Feel

He is able…to run to the cry of those who are being tempted and tested and tried.
Hebrews 2:18 (AMP)

Jesus was angry enough to purge the temple, hungry enough to eat raw grain, distraught enough to weep in public, fun loving enough to be called a drunkard, winsome enough to attract kids, weary enough to sleep in a storm-bounced boat, poor enough to sleep on dirt and borrow a coin for a sermon illustration, radical enough to get kicked out of town, responsible enough to care for his mother, tempted enough to know the smell of Satan, and fearful enough to sweat blood.

But why? Why would heaven’s finest Son endure earth’s toughest pain? So you would know that “He is able…to run to the cry of…those who are being tempted and tested and tried.”

Whatever you are facing, He knows how you feel.

when?

Without meaning to be too melodramatic, I am wondering...
when exactly will i feel that the ghost of this past year will leave me behind and fade from sight?

Almost every day, i am still haunted by what was, what is, and what might have been. Although i live in today, i am clearly haunted by another time, another place, another life.

All i want is peace. I have peace, but yet i do not have it entirely yet.

My world is still misty and confusing at times.

So, again not meaning to overanalyze or overindulge my moroseness (is that even a real word?), i present here the lyrics to the song "Bleak" by the band called Opeth.



Beating
Heart still beating for the cause
Feeding
Soul still feeding from the loss
Aching
Limbs are aching from the rush
Fading
You are fading from my sight

Break of morning, coldness lingers on
Shroud me into nightmares of the sun

Moving
I am moving closer to your side
Luring
You are luring me into the night
Crying
Who is crying for you here
Dying
I am dying fast inside your tears

Plunging towards bereavement faster yet
Clearing thoughts, my mind is set

Devious movements in your eyes
Moved me from relief
Breath comes out white clouds with your lies
And filters through me
You're close to the final word
You're staring right past me in dismay
A liquid seeps from your chest
And drains me away
Mist ripples round your thin white neck
And draws me a line
Cold fingers mark this dying wreck
This moment is mine

Help me cure you
Atone for all you've done
Help me leave you
As all the days are gone

Devious movements in your eyes
Moved me from relief
Breath comes out white clouds with your lies
And filters through me
You're close to the final word
You're staring right past me in dismay
A liquid seeps from your chest
And drains me away
Mist ripples round your thin white neck
And draws me a line
Cold fingers mark this dying wreck
This moment is mine
Night falls again
Taking what's left of me

Slight twist, shivering corpse
Ornated with water, fills the cracks
Clasped in my limbs by tradition
This is all you need

Shattered Illusions

Well…

This has been an “interesting” evening for me.

I learned some things tonight; things that I wished I did not know, yet also things that I am glad that I finally learned.

Sigh…

Y’know what? Life is hard. That is not a complaint, just an observation. Truthfully, I mean it; life is hard.

I learned some things tonight, things that all my workmates assumed that I already knew. But I didn’t.

The things I learned, they shocked me. They hurt me. But I needed to hear them. And, once I had examined them, I knew them to be true.

My opinions of Melanie Young are changing.

I still do not hate her, and I hope that I never do. I still wish the best for her. I still pray for her (if not daily, at least fairly often). And I still know that I can have NOTHING to do with her.

But, I realize some things about her now. I probably would not have been willing to hear (or believe) them until now. See, I learned that in her short time here (at work), Melanie used (or attempted to use) every male here. She used people, that is what she did. Everybody was an object to be used.

Every male here, she tried to get close to them, to get information from them, quite a few she made exploratory attempts to develop relationships with them, she flirted with them all. She lied to us all. She used us, firstly to try to get in the good books of various people at work to further herself and her “career” here, and secondly she used the attention of males to get her “husband’s” attention through jealousy (a tactic she continues to use, as the only apparent way to get him to pay attention to her). The way I hear it, I not only was not the first male at work she attempted to use (use their heart, mess up their lives, all for her own purposes and NOT for love or sex) but indeed I was number 5 on the list. Number 5!

Just, “lucky me”, I was the one who got sucked in the worst, and therefore was the one who got hurt the worst.

I still do not regret loving her. To love someone, even if they never return it (or want it), even if they use you, to love somebody is a great thing, an honourable thing. I regret that my ex-wife got hurt because of my love for Melanie. I regret the problems that it caused at work. But, that is it. The rest, I have no regrets. I did what I did, and I would not take it back.

But, I feel a little more ”used” right now. A little more “alone.” A lot more hurt. Rather emotional. Would enjoy a good cry right now, but can’t at this time.

Hopefully, this newfound stuff that I now know, I am hopeful that God allowed me to see this now because it was the right time, and hopefully it will enable me to continue to piece my shattered and fragile life back together and eventually move on as a healthy person.

Don’t feel too healthy right now. Just broken; re-broken.

It is a good thing that I recognize that being broken is a potentially good thing. God can use my brokenness.

Being open is a good thing. That is why I do not regret what happened to me. I would rather love the wrong person, in the wrong way, and make a mess of my life, than the alternative; better to love passionately and true, than close up your heart and become part of the living dead stew.

I like that line. Think I might post it somewhere.

Anyways, thank you, my family and friends. Your support of me always amazes me. Don’t worry about me; I am on the path that God has chosen for me to walk, and I will be okay.

Slainte.

life right now

Well, as of May 1st, I was declared (legally) single again.

Let the bells ring out? Meh.

Truthfully, I am CHOOSING to see this as a good thing. Not because being married wasn’t nice (at times), and not because there were not good things about being married, and not because the single life is so great, and not because I dislike the person I was married to or have a bad opinion of her. I am choosing to be positive, because that is what God would (and does) choose for me; at this point in time, at this point in my life, God smiles down on me just like He always does, He has nothing but good thoughts towards me and He wants me to have the same.

Being single (again), and being divorced (twice), these are neither good nor bad things. They just ARE. This is my life, and I am going to live it and give God the most glory that I can while doing so.






Some people. Some people in life are just messed up.

So, what do you do when you meet somebody like that? Somebody whose life, a life without God and His goodness and His forgiveness and His presence, their life is just a huge mess, and they are literally crying out for somebody to save them from their life, from the situations they have gotten themselves into, and from themselves?

What do you do, when God brings a person like that into your life, and gives you huge amounts of Godly compassion for them?

You know what you do? As a Christian, you do what you can to help them. You listen to them, you sympathise and empathize with them, and you point them towards the Answer. You show them Christ, and what He has done in your life. And you offer to help and support them.

Now, what do you do when that person turns away from the Answer?

When this happens, trust me, life unravels. All hell seems to empty itself against you.

This has happened to me. Say what you like. Believe what you like. I know the truth about this situation.

She came into my life. She was hurting, empty, fragile, a shell of a person. And God allowed me to see her how He sees her. I lent an ear, a hand, and a heart. And I showed her God, and what He had done for my life.

I wanted to share so much more with her. I wanted to see her come to Him, and for Him to beautifully change her.

It didn’t happen (at least, not YET it didn’t). She turned away. She, in her filth and her vomit, saw what was being offered. She understood. She looked at the offer. But then, she decided to go with her pride. She felt she didn’t need help, she didn’t need change, she didn’t need God. To me, this was such obvious deception and lies. But, it was what she flung back in my face. The more I prayed and asked God to work in her, the more I stood by her even when she hurt me, the more I believed, the more I tried to share God’s love with her, the more I tried to point her again and again towards the Answer…the more angry she became with me, the more enraged, the more spiteful.

Now, the person I, just last year, said was the best friend I have ever had, she is trying to destroy my life.

Won’t happen. God won’t let it.

You know why?

Here is the secret. See, despite what people think, despite what people say, despite what people see when they look at me and at this situation…I know, I KNOW, that I did what God told me to do, and I had faith in what I believed that God was telling me.

So, my God protects me. Although I did not succeed, I tried. I honestly tried. And in the end, even though this still hurts at times, I know that it is not ME that she is rejecting, it is Christ in me.

The storm I suffer, is for Him.

Once again, for that reason alone, I would not change a thing.

Lord, I choose to pray for her still. Not for me, or for my benefit, but for her eternal benefit. Please God, do not forget about her. Bless her, and do not curse her. Do not give up on her. Follow after her with a heart of love, and claim her as Your own. Reveal Yourslef to her, and save her soul and change her life. In Jesus' name I ask, Amen.

18 hours

Nice guys finish last.

There is much more fact than fiction to this.

Girls want danger and aggression from a guy. Those who do not fit that mold, they just end up being “just friends.” Girls like talking with guys who are nice and gentle and sweet and compassionate and caring, they like befriending them, but romance…not a chance.

Women chase after (or let themselves be chased after by) the other kind of guy…you know, the kind that thinks about himself first, the guy who can’t be faithful, who thinks he is God’s gift to women. They somehow expect that they can teach these guys to be monogamous, that they can teach these guys how to cuddle without expecting something from it, to be good providers and loving husbands and fathers.

More often that not, these women fail in that. What they end up with, is years and years devoted to somebody who never had their best interests at heart, who never respected them, who used them and then either ignored them or cheated on them.

Most men are pigs. And most women are horrible judges of character.

Makes you wonder how somebody can believe in true love, when they believe all of the above is true. Yet, I do.

Of course, that is because my whole life is about faith. I believe that there is a God Who loves me, even though I cannot see Him. I believe that Jesus rose from the dead, even though that seems impossible. I believe that I am forgiven, even though I sin daily. And, I believe in true love, even though I am 18 hours from being divorced for the second time in my life.

I will not change who I am, in order to impress a girl. I will not attempt to be a troglodyte Neanderthal, an uncaring woman-abuser, just so that my bad-boy image will attract a woman to me. No, I will stay who I am; a sweet, caring, quiet, spiritual man. I will stay who I am, because God loves me the way that I am right now, and so will my next wife. I will trust God to lead the right person to me, at the right time. And I CAN trust Him, because He is faithful and true.

directional quote for my future

I'll wait
'Til your love comes down
I'm coming straight for your heart
No way
You can stop me now
As fine as you are

Van Halen, "I'll Wait"

Thoughts of beauty, in passing

Sometimes, love just isn’t enough to keep people together. There needs to be more; like-mindedness (at least on some things), respect, belief, loyalty, and a future.

It is sad, really. Sad, because love is so inflaming, so igniting, so passionate to the soul; love is a nuclear furnace, it burns white hot through the very soul of a person…yet, there has to be more. Love, in and of itself, is not enough.

Everybody needs somebody to stand up for them, to believe in them. Too many people go through life, not having that person. They settle. That’s sad. It is very, very sad when the person you are closest to, the person you love, the person you let in to your life in intimate ways, is not that person who respects you and believes in you and treats you like gold and believes in the best for you and puts you first in everything. For too many people, this is their reality, and I weep for them. But, saddest of all, is when there is no one person who believes in you.

For myself, most of those who do believe in me, end up being people who have taken the time to get to know me, to examine me. And most of them, in one way or another, recognize me for who I am and express to me how much I mean to them, only after they have walked away from me, never to return in true closeness. I believe it is possible that I scare people off, that my openness is actually a hindrance to real relationships, because to many people have settled in life and just do not know what to do with people who are open and honest and caring and compassionate and real.

I have a select few people in my life who believe in me, and I am thankful for that (and for them). But I am not so sure that I have ever had that belief, that offered acceptance of who I am, coming from a person who has also given me their heart and truly let me in to their world as well. That makes me sad. Because that is what I want. Okay, Lord?

I just want to love, and be loved. I want to accept, and be accepted. I know that nothing this side of heaven will ever fully satisfy those needs within me…but I also know that the needs that I feel, they were also put there by God, and so was the need for human companionship and love.

I just want to meet a special person, all of my own. And I want to love on her like there is no tomorrow. I want to make her the very center of my life (God excluded, obviously), and do my best to bring her blessings and happiness and every good opportunity that she deserves as a special child of God.

That’s all that I want; I just want it all. I want the fairy tale, and the reality. And I do not just want it; I expect it.

Because it is real. It is out there. I feel it in my heart, and in my soul. One day, maybe soon, that will happen for me, a beautiful gift from my Saviour to me.

My Future Hope

I just finished watching the movie Paycheque starring Ben Affleck.

It was a decent movie; not great, but okay.

The movie had this quote that I really like –
“If you show someone their future, they have no future; if you take away the mystery, you take away hope.”

Isn’t that just like reality? Think about all of the people who get their palms read, their tea leaves looked at, and check out their horoscopes. They all want to know their future, and by doing so, they end up making themselves slaves to whatever they are told. What they are told is going to happen, they MAKE happen. They lose the ability to make their own choices, and instead make decisions BASED on what they are told their future will be!

Think about God; He never specifically tells us how our future is going to look, He leaves it a bit of a mystery for us. He tells us He will be with us, and that our future is a good one, but He allows us to anticipate our future instead of being controlled by it. Think about it this way – is Christmas morning most exciting when you know exactly what is under the tree for you, or when everything is a complete surprise?

Interesting, isn’t it?

Personally, I KNOW my future is going to be great. Do I know WHAT my future will look like? No, no I do not. And that makes it all the more exciting, doesn’t it? God is in the driver’s seat, I just ride on the bus and He drives. As long as I do not get off the bus and walk away from Him, I will arrive exactly where He wants me to be!

Oops

About my picks for the Olympic Men's hockey team in 2010...i forgot that Ryan Kesler is an American.

That being so, I name Jordan Staal of the Pittsburgh Penguins to take his spot!

Sorry Canuck fans!

Testing Me

I took the Sports Test at http://www.cbc.ca/testthenation, and here is how i scored!

Click to enlarge.

Olympics

So, here are my current picks for the 2010 Canadian Olympic Hockey Team.

A lot of good players got left off of my team. A lot of younger players, such as those who played in the 2008 World Championships, are on this team, as well as a few popular picks since the Olympics are in British Columbia.

Line Combinations:
1. Sidney Crosby, Ryan Getzlaf, Jarome Iginla
2. Rick Nash, Vincent Lecavalier, Martin St. Louis
3. Patrick Marleau, Eric Staal, Dany Heatley
4. Chris Kunitz, Joe Sakic, Ryan Kesler
Extra Forwards: Paul Kariya, Paul Gaustad

Defense Pairings:
1. Shea Weber, Scott Niedermayer
2. Robyn Regehr, Mike Green
3. Brent Burns, Dan Boyle
Extra Defencemen: Duncan Keith, Ed Jovanoski

Goaltenders:
1. Roberto Luongo
2. Marc-Andre Fleury
3. Steve Mason

Irony of God

How ironic is it, that i am sitting at work, and sensing God's awesome presence, and I type these words: "Lord, let Your glory fall. Lord Jesus, let Your glory fall, fall in me. "



Then, a few hours later, on my way home, the song playing in my CD-player in my car is Consuming Fire, with the lyrics "Lord let Your glory fall, Lord let Your glory fall".

What God is doing in me, i do not deserve. I certainly did not do anything to cause God to look favourably upon me. Any call upon my life, any call upon my heart, is there because of what Jesus did. I am nothing but His bond-servant; I serve Him because I love Him, and I can only love Him because He first loved me.

Jesus, in all that I do, in all that I say, be glorified in and through me.

This is my year. The year full of irony. When everything is taken from me, all I have left is all that I really need; Jesus.

Take My Life

Tim Hughes - Consuming Fire


Verse 1:
There must be more than this
Oh Breath of God come breathe within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for You
Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Chorus:
Consuming Fire
Fan into flame
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God
Fall in this place
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way
With us

Verse 2:
Come like a rushing wind
Fill us with power from on high
Now set the captives free
Leave us abandoned to Your praise
Lord let Your glory fall
Lord let Your glory fall

(repeat chorus)

Bridge:
Stir it up in our hearts, Lord
Stir it up in our hearts, Lord
Stir it up in our hearts,
A passion for Your name

(repeat bridge)

(repeat chorus)





Lord, I want to be a glory-seeker.

In all that I do, I want to bring glory to Your name.

Take me, make me, use me.

less iz more

I cannot say it any other way.

No other way of expressing it causes it to have more meaning, or gets the point across any better.

Sometimes, simplest is best. This is one of those times.

In my life, in my heart, nothing expresses the deep inner cry of my heart more than this;

Less of me, more of Jesus.

Lord, let Your glory fall. Lord Jesus, let Your glory fall, fall in me.

playoff fever

Putting my money (I don't have any!) where my mouth is (and what sort of a dumb saying is that, anyways?!), here are my first round predictions for the 2009 NHL playoffs;

Ducks over Sharks in 7
Bruins over Canadiens in 6
Blue Jackets over Red Wings in 7
Rangers over Capitals in 6
Canucks over Blues in 6
Devils over Hurricanes in 7
Blackhawks over Flames in 6
Penguins over Flyers in 6

More Thoughts

Acceptance.

There is nothing more important to me in relationships, than acceptance.

I require acceptance. I crave acceptance. I need acceptance - without acceptance, there is only death.

All my relationships, in all of them, the one crucial question is; "do you accept me for who I am?"

If the answer is "no"...then i cannot be around you.

In my work, i work with somebody (she isn't really my boss, she just thinks she is) who accepts nobody. Everybody falls short fo what she wants them to be, so she berates everybody for failing to live up to her impossible standards. If God Himself stood before her, she probably would try to judge Him too and find Him lacking (but as a believer, i know that would never happen - the only thing to hit the floor before her forehead would be her knees).

I can't stand people like that. I do not hate them, i just cannot waste my time on them. People like that, resist change, resist God, resist life and reality. They suck the life out of everybody, if you let them.

My 2nd wife, she was like that. I have no hatred towards her, and i wish her well. But she had impossible inner standards that she judged everybody by. It killed me, it stole my joy. After five and a half years, it made it easy(er) to let her go and move on.

I need people who accept me. I need people who see me for who i am, and for who God says that i am, and who love me for being me.

That has to be something my next sweetie has. Okay, Lord?




I was listening to Tim Hughes' "When Silence Falls" on the way home from work a bit ago.

"I've had questions without answers, I've known sorrow and I have known pain...
But I will praise You, Jesus praise You..."

As I look back over the last year or so of my life, i am amazed at the amount of answerless questions I have had. Things that i realize, i will never get an answer to. In the end, i have had to just say, 'okay God, I get it - You do not have to give me the answers to my questions, as long as You give me You.'

Life is not about answers. Life is about Jesus.
So, when the tears fall, Jesus will be the song within my heart.
When the sorrow overcomes me, when the pain seems too much to bear, when the questions have no answer, the only answer is "But i will praise You, Jesus praise You..."

That is the only Answer that i need.

Thank You, Lord, for accepting me just as I am, and loving me enough to never quit working within me.

I will praise You.

various

Various thoughts going through my head lately...

Just finished watching the movie Slap Shot. A timeless classic. They will never make a movie like that one again.

Enjoying my video-gaming lately. Been playing Neverwinter Nights for the last four or five days. Thoroughly enjoying it.

Thinking about what i want in a woman...
What i most want, is somebody who doesn't think they have it all together. People who think they have it all together, it is hard for them to change and adjust, because they do not ever think they have to. I want to be with somebody who knows they aren't perfect, who knows they have faults, but who loves life and who loves God. I want, most of all this is what i want, i want a woman who knows how much God loves her, who loves God back with all her heart and soul, and who wants to spend time with God.
God, give me that in a woman, and I can work with the rest.

HB Shauna (and more)

Happy Birthday, my friend Shauna. May Jesus richly bless you this year of your life.
To you, I present the lyrics that had me weeping on my way home from work...

"Consuming Fire" by Tim Hughes

A while back, our church in Watford, England was going through a season of really calling out for more of God. One Sunday our associate pastor was speaking and kept using the phrase, "There must be more." That struck me. We've seen glimpses of God’s greatness and glory, but there is still so much more to discover. I went home and started writing the song. It's a cry for God to fill us anew, to deepen our passion for Him, to do all that He wants among us. It’s a cry for more.

There must be more than this
O breath of God, come breathe within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for You
Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Consuming fire, fan into flames
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God, fall in this place
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way with us

Come like a rushing wind
Clothe us with power from on high
Now set the captives free
Leave us abandoned to Your praise
Lord let Your glory fall
Lord let Your glory fall

Consuming fire, fan into flames
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God, fall in this place
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way with us

best i ever had

Heard this song on the radio, and it made me think that if I just capitalized the "Y" in the word "you", this woudl be a really beautiful and meaningful song to me...



"Bargain" by The Who


I'd gladly lose me to find You
I'd gladly give up all I had
To find You, I'd suffer anything and be glad

I'd pay any price just to get You
I'd work all my life and I will
To win You, I'd stand naked, stoned and stabbed

I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

I'd gladly lose me to find You
I'd gladly give up all I got
To catch You, I'm gonna run and never stop

I'd pay any price just to win You
Surrender my good life for bad
To find You, I'm gonna drown an unsung man

I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

I sit looking 'round
I look at my face in the mirror
I know I'm worth nothing without You
In life one and one don't make two
One and one make one
And I'm looking for that free ride to me
I'm looking for You

I'd gladly lose me to find You
I'd gladly give up all I got
To catch You, I'm gonna run and never stop

I'd pay any price just to win You
Surrender my good life for bad
To find You, I'm gonna drown an unsung man

I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

update

Haven’t blogged much lately.

Been a lot going on.

Work is picking up, getting a little busier. Looks like one psycho at work is after my job; but, I leave that in God’s hands, He protects the blameless. I am getting pretty tired of getting blamed for things I did not do, and for getting accused of things behind my back, though…

Waiting for the judge to rubber stamp my divorce papers.

Moved my parents last week. The move went well, and they seem happy with it. A short move, just down the hall. Got to see my sister and my niece, too.

Been doing lots of gaming, Icewind Dale. I had great plans to blog all of my adventures in that mystical land at http://www.ward-of-gorion.blogspot.com , but…reality got in the way of that. Mainly, I was so busy adventuring, that I got way behind in my retelling of my adventures, to the point where it would have taken me a month of Sundays to catch up. Oops…my bad. Anyways, I just finished the game (as in, like, just five or six minutes ago), after taking about 8 tries at finishing off the end bad guy I finally managed to take him down (mind you, he killed five of my party members, and my sixth and final member was one hangnail away from death as well). An awesome game, truly awesome.

Watched a few movies lately, nothing too exciting.

Been spending my time watching Creflo Dollar, Joel Osteen, and Charles Stanley on television, good pastors/ministers who love God and have a heart for people.

I received a videogame I have never played before in the mail a week or more ago. Looking forward to playing it soon. Neverwinter Nights – The Ultimate Collection. It includes; the award-winning Neverwinter Nights, two hit expansion packs (Shadows of Undrentide and Hordes of the Underdark), game modules from the developers of Neverwinter Nights, Bioware’s Aurora Toolset for easy module creation, Neverwinter Nights:Kingmaker expansion including three complete adventures, and all patches and updates. This collection encompasses over 100 hours of solo gameplay.

So, that’ll be my next gaming experience, I believe. I also have the still-unopened Baldur’s Gate 4-in-1 boxset, which I am looking forward to going at as well. I have tentative plans to blog about both of these experiences at http://www.ward-of-gorion.blogspot.com (my “all-things-Baldur’s-Gate” fansite, devoted to the greatest game ever created, Baldur’s Gate, all of the games that followed in the BG series, plus all the computer-based video games created by Black Isle Studios and the Bioware Corporation), so check that out from time to time to see what is new in my PC-life.

I was sad to learn that Michael Sweet’s wife, Kyle Sweet, passed away from complications from cancer, on March the 6th 2009. As I bill myself as “the other Stryper brother”, it should come as no shock that I am a huge Stryper fan, both of the music, as well as the message behind it. My thoughts and prayers go out to the Sweet family, especially to Michael and his children.

Other that that, not too much to say right now. Economically, times are tough right now, so I have no extra money to spend anywhere anymore. Watching lots of hockey, of course, gearing up for the playoffs where I hope my Pittsburgh Penguins make a long run.

Oh, I shaved my hair all off yesterday, so i am bald again. i have a rather nasty scalp condition right now, so i have to wear a hat wherever i go, but hopefully now that the hair has been removed i will be able to get my scalp to clear up.

Slainte! And God bless.

D. Sweet

RIP

R.I.P. Kyle Sweet. The Stryper community grieves with you, Michael Sweet and children.

Real-lation Ships

Trust and Respect.

Trust and respect are two things that a relationship must never lose. If you do not work to maintain your relationship by keeping these two vital cogs functional and active, you are bailing with a thimble in a sailboat with no hull and you are hoping to sail to the other side of the world. Facts are facts, you are never going to get what you want.

Oh, there are other things that are important to relationships. Romance, and communication, for instance. But, if these things slip, they can be rebuilt. Trust and respect are harder to build, and so they are more important not to lose.

A relationship has to be daily maintained. It has to be watched over and guarded, and groomed and cared for.

It is amazing the amount of people that I know, who are in hurting or unfulfilled relationships, with little to no chance of things ever being better. They get trapped, because they do not know what to do.

To be honest, you need to build a relationship on the correct things, and then maintain it daily. Doing things any other way, is relationship suicide.

Too many hurting people, too many trapped people, too many people with no hope. Too many people who have not built their relationships in the way that God sets out, and so have suffered greatly for it. I am constantly amazed at the amount of people that i know who sit and tell me that there is no romance in their relationships, no sex, no physical contact, no peace, no love, no affection, no trust, no respect, no hope. These people have lost (or never had) trust and respect in their relationships, and they have crumbled into ashes all around them. But still they hold on, becuz they have nowhere else to go, no other hope for themselves.

It' s sad.

Me, I want to do it differently this time. The right way.

God's way.

rant?

So, this afternoon i am sitting in the drive thru lineup at Tim Horton's. It is a nice spring day, and my window is rolled down.
A woman in a vehicle two behind me calls out to this elderly couple who has just exited Tim Horton's and are getting into their car. She implores the elderly gentleman to make sure that he teaches "my generation's men" to open doors for their women, becuz the men do not do that anymore. The elderly lady says that her husband has had 92 years of practice.

This dialogue exchange both saddened me, and angered me.

Women do not seem to understand that they have all of the power in relationships. But they have exchanged everything that they want, for cheap pleasures.
If women want men to treat them with respect, then, quite honestly, and excuse my bluntness, but the women need to learn how to keep their legs closed and how to act like ladies.
You stop giving men what they want (sex on demand), and they will learn how to treat you the way that you want them to. As soon as you give them what they want without long-term commitment (marriage), then men stop working to respect you; they just lust after you.

This does not excuse men, and they way that we treat women. But when women decided to reach for sex-on-demand and the quick-fix of "make me feel good now", they lost everything they actually wanted from men.

I want a woman, one who honestly WANTS to wait until we are married. And i want to learn how to treat her the right way, over the dating and courtship period of time, so that our married life will thrive and flourish. I want to do things God's way, the right way, the good way, the only way that works; and I want a woman who wants the same thing.

I've tried it the other way. Even with my best intentions, it did not work.
Only God's way works.
That is why He is God, and I am not.

RIP

Former NHL player Walt Poddubny dies Saturday,
03.21.2009 / 11:21 PM / News Associated Press

THUNDER BAY, Ontario (AP) -Former NHL player Walt Poddubny died Saturday, the Thunder Bay Chronicle-Journal reported. He was 49.

The cause of death wasn't known. The newspaper said a person close to the family said Poddubny collapsed at his sister's house, where he was living.

Drafted 90th overall by Edmonton in 1980, Poddubny played 11 NHL seasons for the Oilers, Toronto, the New York Rangers, Quebec and New Jersey. He had 184 goals and 238 assists in 468 games and topped the 30-goal mark three times.

After finishing his playing career in the American Hockey League with the Worcester IceCats, Poddubny coached the Anchorage Aces in the West Coast Hockey League.

He returned home in 2003 to spend time with his children and was involved in coaching and hockey celebrity appearances.



Rest in peace, Walt. I remember your playing days with fondness. I hope you met Jesus before you passed, and that you are with Him now.

fitting

these lyrics have been sitting on my desktop for a few weeks.

i was going to blog them, but somehow it never seemed like the right time.

looks like this is a fitting time...


Hole Hearted - by Extreme


Life’s ambition occupies my time
Priorities confuse the mind
Happiness one step behind
This inner peace I’ve yet to find

Rivers flow into the sea
Yet even the sea is not so full of me
If I’m not blind why can’t I see
That a circle can’t fit
Where a square should be

There’s a hole in my heart
That can only be filled by you
And this hole in my heart
Can’t be filled with the things I do

Hole hearted
Hole hearted

This heart of stone is where I hide
These feet of clay kept warm inside
Day by day less satisfied
Not fade away before I die

Rivers flow into the sea
Yet even the sea is not so full of me
If I’m not blind why can’t I see
That a circle can’t fit
Where a square should be

There’s a hole in my heart
That can only be filled by you
And this hole in my heart
Can’t be filled with the things I do
There’s a hole in my heart
That can only be filled by you
And this hole in my heart
Can’t be filled with the things I do

Hole hearted
Hole hearted
Hole hearted
Hole hearted

enough

March 22



He is able...to run to the cry of...those who are being...tested.

Hebrews 2:18 (AMP)



Jesus was angry enough to purge the temple, hungry enough to eat raw grain, distraught enough to weep in public, fun loving enough to be called a drunkard, winsome enough to attract kids....radical enough to get kicked

out of town, responsible enough to care for his mother, tempted enough to know the smell of Satan, and fearful enough to sweat blood....



Whatever you are facing, he knows how you feel.






This was from my daily devotional that comes in the mail from Max Lucado.
This really touched me. It touched me deeply, to know that God truly knows and understands how i feel. And that is why i can trust Him to have my best interests at heart, and to guide me into good things. Thank You, Lord. I will follow You.

the truth about this life

I have always thought that the movie The Matrix is perhaps the perfect analogy for the life of a Christian.

You live this life, and you think you know what it is all about. You make all your decisions in your life based upon that assumption.

Then, you get saved. And over time, you see things differently. You realize that there is a whole other world that exists, one more important and much more real than the one you have been living in.

Now, the choice is yours. Do you go back to your cushy life in the fake world, or do you join the struggle in the real one? Do you go numb, or do you go all in?





This world is a sick and evil place. It is black, it is despair, it is immorality heaped on top of immorality. It is everything wrong that could ever be, all in one place at one time. This world is the pinnacle of the devil's manipulations, and to the righteous believer, it shows.

We are sick. We, the believers who populate this planet, we who are suppposed to be the salt of the world, the light in a dark place, the amabassadors for the King of Kings...we are sick. We have given up long ago. We have given ourselves over to this world of evil, rather than live as true children of light. We spend our lives trying to self-soothe our own hurts with the balm of the world. We have turned our backs on God and His kingdom, and embraced the garbage pit that we live in wholeheartedly.

We should be ashamed. When we should stand up and be counted, we turn tail and run. We do not know God for Who He is, although we call ourselves by His name. And we believe that God is okay with this, that this is the way that things are supposed to be.

We are deceived.

Look at the world around you. See for yourself how much more difficult it is today to get saved. Too many distractions, too many lies, and not enough truth. We Christians have dishonoured God's Word and devalued it, and until we repent of this and stand up for God's reality over Satan's lies, we not only are doomed ourselves, but we doom those around us who need Christ.

Lord, forgive us. Lord, change us. Lord, start with me.

memories lie still

I think that one of the worst things about marriage (or relationship) break-ups, is not knowing what to do with the memories.

How should one feel about the past, when it finally has become the past? Once it was the present and the future, but when it suddnely and painstakingly becomes the past, what do you do? How do you handle it?

Photos are the worst thing. I am addicted to photos. I love having them. When i was growing up, i always hated that i did not have photos of the friends that i had as a child and a teenager. When our lives parted and they went their own way, i did not have photos of them that i could look at; there was no real way to share those memories with anybody else. So when i became an adult, with a family of my own, i took lots of photos.

When my first marriage broke up, i eventually got rid of almost all of the photos i had. Many years later, i regretted that. Many years too late.

Now, i have thousands of digital photos of my time with my second wife and her daughter, and i do not want to look at any of them.

I also, thanks to the person i fell in love with last summer and got badly burned by, have some files on my computer, ones that i do not want to get rid of, but ones that i cannot even get myself to open, they are to painful to look at, too painful to deal with.

Years and years and years, many years of my life, taken from me. Memories that i do not want to face. Photos that i cannot look at. Poetry and other writings that make no sense now, they only bring pain and regret.

Lord, restore to me the years the locust have taken.

I have a bright future, but I am a man with no past (to speak of).

1, 2, i pick you

Awesome!

I just got my package that i ordered from Creflo Dollar Ministries in the mail today!

I got the book, "Before The Ring: Determining Who You Are And What You Need In A Mate" and I got the two CD series entitled "Choosing A Mate". The first CD is Choosing A Mate, and the second CD is Making The Right Choice.

I cannot wait to dig into these! And how ironic, that they come in the mail the same day that i get my final divorce papers in to the courts!

i also received a card, with another offer on it that sounds intriguing. A CD series entitled Creating A New Beginning. The write-up on it says..."It's never too late to start over. God is not finished with you yet. If your life is not where you want it to be, make 2009 your breakthrough year. Whether you want to change physically, emotionally or spiritually, there's no better time to start than now. The past is behind you. God is giving you a fresh start."

All that God is teaching me this last year or so, it is all about believing what His Word says about me, having a positive attitude, pressing forward towards the mark, honouring God's Word, and becoming the man that God has called me to be. It is truly an exciting time in my life. I want to say that God is preparing me to use me, but i do not want to imply that God does not already use me, because He does. It...it is just an exciting time for me. I have so many expectations of the good (great!) things that God is going to accomplish through me, and in me, in the next few years. God is so good to me. And I am so blessed to have been saved by His blood.

happy

happy St Patrick's Day!


Slainte m'hath, Slainte m'hor!

(and, yes, I CAN pronounce that, correctly! can you?)

me likey!

I liked Max Lucado's devotional the other day...



God has...all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us.
Ephesians 2:7 (THE MESSAGE)



God knows everything about you, yet He doesn't hold back His kindness toward you. Has He, knowing all your secrets, retracted one promise or reclaimed one gift?



No, He is kind to you. Why don't you be kind to yourself? He forgives your faults. Why don't you do the same?...He believes in you enough to call you His ambassador, His follower, even His child.



Why not take His cue and believe in yourself?

His faithful servant I would be...

Hey there. It is 10:18pm, and I just got back from Kelowna. My daughter and I went to see the movie “Coraline”. She loved it. It was a bit dark and creepy for my tastes, but I did appreciate the cat in the movie a lot. I’ve started to ask God that the next special woman in my life, could she please be a cat lover? My daughter left her stuffed puppy in the movie theatre by accident, and is scared she has now lost it. I have prayed and asked God to return it safely to her.

Well, I was thinking as I was driving home, while worshiping along with my favourite album (FFH’s Worship In The Waiting)…

Y’know, some people might not understand what happened between Melanie and me. I accept that. People are people, and they see things differently. But, here is something that I do know, recognize, and realize about that situation…

God sent me into Melanie’s life (and she into mine) for a reason. Above all, that reason was what first got me interested in her – that Godly spark within her. She has an unanswered call on her life, and the first (and most important) part of that call, is her salvation. I prayed for Melanie, fervently. I prayed for her salvation. I told God I would gladly give up everything, if only he would save her. And, in the end, that is exactly what I did; I lost her, I lost the chances of her love, the chances of her friendship, I lost everything where she is concerned. And, I can only hold on to my faithful belief that God is going to save her, and is going to change her life big-time.

I was put into Melanie’s life, because God needed somebody there. He needed somebody to recognize that He was calling her, He needed somebody to converse with her about spiritual matters, He needed somebody to pray for her, He needed somebody to love and appreciate her just as she is, He needed somebody to share His love for her, and He needed somebody to be an example to her.

He could have used anybody. He chose to use me. Let me rephrase that last sentence. I did not choose for Melanie to come along, nor did I choose for my soul to get entwined with hers; God chose me. And, not because I was the best for the job, but because I was WILLING. God never demanded of me that I save her. God never scolded or berated me because she did not fall down at God’s feet and accept Him into her heart. No, God gave me the biggest of daddy hugs, and told me that I did good. Why? Simple; because I was faithful. God said “go,” and I went. I was scared, but I persevered. I was alone, but I hung on to God. I was frustrated, but I believed. And, I still believe. God has good things planned for her. I am no hero – I did not ride in, save her, shine my white-toothed smile, and ride off into the sunset with her. But, at the same time, I did something I have never done before, and I never would have believed that I was capable of; I loved somebody in spite of the way they treated me (particularly towards the end), I believed God even though that belief made me look foolish, and I shared His love with somebody who needed to hear it. I was faithful to God’s call. That was all that God asked of me – to be faithful, and to allow Him to do the rest. He used me, because I was willing to be used. I did not fail – I did what God asked me to do. There was no failure here, because God is still at work in her life – He is just no longer using me. The work has been passed on.

God is good. Thank You, Lord, for using me, and allowing me to be used.

I’ve got a lot in me to give. Most of it, is God.

my day of not knowing

So, I saw somebody today, just a few minutes ago. Somebody I haven’t seen since October of last year. Somebody I used to care deeply for.

I am not sure how I feel about that.

I was out running some errands. Just on my way home. Two blocks from my house, waiting to get across at the light, sitting in my car. Now, I am not much of a people watcher, truth to tell, but this shiny new blue car was in the intersection, waiting to turn the way that I was coming from. I looked at the driver, and kept staring at her. I was thinking that she was cute-looking…then I realized who it was.

I am not sure how I feel about that. How should I feel?

She looked the same as I remember her. Glad to see she kept her hair, didn’t go bald again like she was threatening to. She had at least one boy in the back of the car (it was a hatchback type of car), I couldn’t see well enough to know for sure if it was one of hers or not. There was a girl/woman with long dark hair sitting beside her, of indeterminable age.

Mel looked good. She looked happy, she was laughing.

Again, I am not sure how I feel about that. I know that one single snapshot of a person’s life does not tell you anything about how they really are doing. But, in her case, I guess I just figure that it is easier for somebody to find God and His love for them, when life is falling apart. So, in that case, and in that way alone, I sincerely hope her life destroys itself, so that she can find God’s love and God’s forgiveness.

She saw me, you know. She looked right at me. Did she recognize me? Hard to say. She didn’t look for long, so perhaps she didn’t. It took me about five or six seconds of staring at her to recognize her for who she was, so…who knows? If she did recognize me, she had no reaction. Mind you, accept for being unable to stop staring at her, I probably had no visible reaction either.

Mel is an area of vast confusion in my life. I do not know how I feel about her. I do not know or understand fully what went on between us, or what I did right and what I did wrong. I do not know if she was good for me, and I have some doubts now about whether I was good for her. I do not know if I ever want to see her again, or even if I should want to. She might destroy me. I might destroy her. It’s hard to say. Only God knows.

I was dreading seeing her. Because I knew that I could have no idea what my reaction would be. I should have known, that ultimately my reactions would be “confusion”, “not knowing what I am feeling, if anything”, and “general i-don’t-know”.

Once, once I thought I knew. But now, I know that I do not know.

“Sometimes I think I know, But I know better” – Atomic Opera


And, since I am in an AO mood…

October – by Atomic Opera

“Can you kiss it
and make it feel better
Can you kiss me
and make me feel
Can you fill
my aching need
Will you hold me as I bleed
Time will wait for me to fall
It's the original fall
I'm not everything that I need
It's not good to be alone
‘Cause I'm naked and ugly and scared
And I'm falling everywhere
I can feel my heart turn grey
‘Cause I love and hate you
I have everything
That I lack
As I push my heart to black”


Well, Lord…I saw Mel. And, I survived. I survived, knowing no more than before, feeling just a little more turmoil than before, and still not understanding anything about much of anything. But, I know that You love me, and that is my best starting place in life. So, I choose to say, “thank You, Lord, for loving me.”

dag-nabbit!

Listening to Steven Curtis Chapman today while I was driving around town getting a few things accomplished.

Dang it all, if Mr Chapman didn't make me cry (again) with the lyrics to this song...



When Love Takes You In - by Steven Curtis Chapman

I know you've heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You've heard about a place called home
But there doesn't seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream...

Where love takes you in, and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home, and says you belong here
The loneliness ends, and a new life begins
When love takes you in...

And somewhere while you're sleeping
Someone else is dreaming, too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say "I love you"
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been, is lost in what will be

When love takes you in, everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart

And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever cause this love to lose it's hold

When love takes you in, everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends, and a new life begins
When love takes you in, it takes you in for good
When love takes you in...

my life improves again

So, things have improved for me the last few days.

And, considering that this year is already a million per cent better than last year was, that is a great thing!

Stuff is still up in the air at work. Our General Manager is reportedly on pins-and-needles, wondering if she is going to be let go. Rumours abound that we are NOT going to be moving into a new building in May of this year, and that the company that bought us (all Gateway casinos, and Lake City Casinos) last year is complaining that they paid too much for us and they want to get us back to making money so they can sell us all off; but this is all unsubstantiated right now, just rumours, it may mean nothing at all. There are also lots of union grievances being launched against our casino from staff who have lost hours, seniority, and positions. There is some talk being voiced that they may strike at some point, to get some job security – who knows.

On the good front, my computer is now picking up on the virus that I have when doing scans, and is working hard to delete files that are compromised, so things seem to be getting under control here.

Also, I had my yearly evaluation with my boss David on Wednesday. We sat down and went over my last year. David kept telling me I was being too hard on myself – I responded by reminding him that I had resigned last fall over everything I had gone through at work and in my personal life, and that I take these things very seriously, I do not pass the buck and blame others for my own mistakes and I take personal responsibility for what I do. Anyways, we had a good talk. There was really only one issue he had with me, and it was minor (and actually had more to do with this calendar year than last one). David says he has no worries with me, and thinks I am learning well how to be a Supervisor, considering I never did anything like this before. We went through my eval, through all the different sub-categories that I get marked in. I actually successfully argued to have him LOWER one of the marks that he had put down, as I told him that my personal difficulties last year definitely affected the work atmosphere and that I should be marked accordingly. All in all, it was a good talk, and a decent evaluation. David was very nice to me, considering how disastrous my last year was in so many ways. I basically got a mark of 800 out of 1000. The same as I got last year. Actually, if it had not been for my personal difficulties last year and how that affected the department I work in, I probably would have got a perfect score, which I have only done once before in my 5 and a half years here. So, that should get me a fairly nice bonus check in a few months – IF we still get bonuses, which we may not be. We’ll see. And, it should net me about a 29 cent pay raise as well. Hey, something is better than nothing! My evaluation, to me, isn’t about the pay raise or the bonus check, it is about evaluating honestly how I am doing at my work and finding out what I need to improve on.

Anyways, that is it for now. Not doing much right now, just playing video games and growing in my relationship with God. And praying that God brings that special woman into my life, when the time is right.

Slainte!

I Come Out Fighting...

Bring It On - by Steven Curtis Chapman


I didn’t come lookin’ for trouble,
And I don’t want to fight needlessly,
But I’m not gonna hide in a bubble
If trouble comes for me.
I can feel my heart beating faster,
I can tell something’s coming down,
But if it’s gonna make me grow stronger, then…

Bring it on!
Let the lightning flash, let the
thunder roll, let the storm winds blow;
Bring it on!
Let the trouble come, let the
hard rain fall, let it make me strong;
Bring it on!

Now, maybe you’re thinkin’ I’m crazy,
And maybe I need to explain some things,
‘Cause I know I’ve got an enemy waiting
Who wants to bring me pain.
But what he never seems to remember,
What he means for evil, God works for good,
So I will not retreat or surrender.

Bring it on!
Let the lightning flash, let the
thunder roll, let the storm winds blow;
Bring it on!
Let the trouble come, let the
hard rain fall, let it make me strong;
Bring it on!

Now, I don’t want to sound like some hero,
‘Cause it’s God alone that my hope is in,
But I’m not gonna run from the very things
That would drive me closer to Him.
So, bring it on...

Bring it on!
Let the lightning flash, let the
thunder roll, let the storm winds blow;
Bring it on!
Let the trouble come, let it make
me fall on the One who’s strong;
Bring it on!
Let the lightning flash, let the
thunder roll, let the storm winds blow;
Bring it on!
Let me be made weak, so I’ll know
the strength of the One who’s strong;
Bring it on!
Bring it on!




True life is a fight that takes place in your mind.
Know your enemy, know his tactics, and fight on until the fight is taken from you on that glorious day.
Know your God, know His power and His love, and fight on. Bring it on!

good...no, great...stuff!

So, I heard another wonderful sermon from Pastor Joel Osteen. I watched it first thing when I got up today.

What an encouraging word!

Genesis 18:14 – “Is anything too hard or too wonderful for the Lord? At the appointed time, when the season comes around, I will return to you and Sarah shall have borne a son.”

God has a plan, and God has a season, and that is the season of blessing and of harvest.

I am lining up with God’s Word, and God’s plan, and saying, “Lord, I believe.” I believe that this is going to be a great year, a year of supernatural blessing and abundance for me. Blessings that I do not deserve and could never earn are coming my way, because my God loves me and chooses to (and delights in) blessing me, He wants to give me the desires of my heart, He sees the deep inner desires of my innermost being and He longs to bring those things to fruition in my life.

Pastor Osteen told the true story of a little girl who wanted a kitten. More than anything else, she wanted to have a kitten. But her mom did not want the responsibility of having an animal in the house, so she kept saying no. But the little girl kept asking her mom, “Mom can I have a kitten?” feeling exasperated by the situation, the mom told the little girl, “Look, if God reaches down and gives you a free kitten, then I will let you keep it. But if God doesn’t give you one, then you can’t have one, okay?” So, the little girl immediately went out in the back yard, got down on her knees, and prayed to God that He would send her a kitten, while her amused mother looked on.

Suddenly, at the exact moment that the little girl finished praying, she looked up and saw a little kitten drop out of the sky and land in front of her in the back yard. The mother ran outside and looked up into the sky – there was no tree in their yard, nothing that the cat could have dropped out of – it simply seemed to have appeared out of thin air. As she gaped at the sky, her daughter picked up the kitten and said, “Look mom, God gave me a kitten, just like I asked for!”

It wasn’t until a few months later that they heard the rest of the story. A neighbour, who lived down the block, had a little kitten stuck in a tree in his yard. He was trying to get the kitten out of the tree, but it was just out of his reach. So, he tied a rope to the tree and to the bumper of his car, and slowly drove his car forward, bending the tree over close to the ground. But, before he could rescue the young cat, the rope slipped off the tree, catapulting (pun intended) the kitten 200 yards through the air, where it landed at the feet of the little girl who prayed the prayer of faith. The poor man thought he had surely killed this poor cat, but instead God used the situation to bless a little girl and to prove His faithfulness.

God desires to bless us. God desires to bless me. And He will. He is. I accept it, I believe it.

This year, I am believing for my financial situation to improve. This year, I am believing that my work situation will continue to improve. This year, I am believing that I will get established in a body of believers. This year, I am believing for some good and supportive Christian friends. This year, I am believing that God will use me in the lives of others. This year, I am believing that God will draw me to Himself, that He will lead me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake, that He will open my eyes to the wonder of Who He is and cause me to grow more and more in love with Him. This year, I believe that the woman God has for me, will be revealed to me, and it’ll be truly a match made in heaven. This year, I am believing that my daughter and I will grow closer together, and that I will see God becoming more real to her and more important to her in her life. This year, this is my year, this is my year to receive God’s good gifts into my life, and to be used of God. This is my destiny, and nothing is going to stop that from happening.

Is anything too hard for God? Is anything too wonderful for God to do?

I say, no. I say, “Lord, I believe.” He will do the rest.