my day of not knowing

So, I saw somebody today, just a few minutes ago. Somebody I haven’t seen since October of last year. Somebody I used to care deeply for.

I am not sure how I feel about that.

I was out running some errands. Just on my way home. Two blocks from my house, waiting to get across at the light, sitting in my car. Now, I am not much of a people watcher, truth to tell, but this shiny new blue car was in the intersection, waiting to turn the way that I was coming from. I looked at the driver, and kept staring at her. I was thinking that she was cute-looking…then I realized who it was.

I am not sure how I feel about that. How should I feel?

She looked the same as I remember her. Glad to see she kept her hair, didn’t go bald again like she was threatening to. She had at least one boy in the back of the car (it was a hatchback type of car), I couldn’t see well enough to know for sure if it was one of hers or not. There was a girl/woman with long dark hair sitting beside her, of indeterminable age.

Mel looked good. She looked happy, she was laughing.

Again, I am not sure how I feel about that. I know that one single snapshot of a person’s life does not tell you anything about how they really are doing. But, in her case, I guess I just figure that it is easier for somebody to find God and His love for them, when life is falling apart. So, in that case, and in that way alone, I sincerely hope her life destroys itself, so that she can find God’s love and God’s forgiveness.

She saw me, you know. She looked right at me. Did she recognize me? Hard to say. She didn’t look for long, so perhaps she didn’t. It took me about five or six seconds of staring at her to recognize her for who she was, so…who knows? If she did recognize me, she had no reaction. Mind you, accept for being unable to stop staring at her, I probably had no visible reaction either.

Mel is an area of vast confusion in my life. I do not know how I feel about her. I do not know or understand fully what went on between us, or what I did right and what I did wrong. I do not know if she was good for me, and I have some doubts now about whether I was good for her. I do not know if I ever want to see her again, or even if I should want to. She might destroy me. I might destroy her. It’s hard to say. Only God knows.

I was dreading seeing her. Because I knew that I could have no idea what my reaction would be. I should have known, that ultimately my reactions would be “confusion”, “not knowing what I am feeling, if anything”, and “general i-don’t-know”.

Once, once I thought I knew. But now, I know that I do not know.

“Sometimes I think I know, But I know better” – Atomic Opera


And, since I am in an AO mood…

October – by Atomic Opera

“Can you kiss it
and make it feel better
Can you kiss me
and make me feel
Can you fill
my aching need
Will you hold me as I bleed
Time will wait for me to fall
It's the original fall
I'm not everything that I need
It's not good to be alone
‘Cause I'm naked and ugly and scared
And I'm falling everywhere
I can feel my heart turn grey
‘Cause I love and hate you
I have everything
That I lack
As I push my heart to black”


Well, Lord…I saw Mel. And, I survived. I survived, knowing no more than before, feeling just a little more turmoil than before, and still not understanding anything about much of anything. But, I know that You love me, and that is my best starting place in life. So, I choose to say, “thank You, Lord, for loving me.”