The Still-Born Child Of Destiny

(Sorry Mom, I know you will hate to read this. You always want the best for me.)

I just finished watching the movie The Wedding Crashers. First time seeing it; never seen it before. I cried. For all those who have seen it; I am serious, I cried.

Okay, I am going to get all weird now (you should be used to it by now!)…

For all the healing that has (begun to) taken place in me lately, one thing still seems to be broken.

I still cannot find my sense of destiny.

I have only had that feeling once in my life. 38 and a half years in my life have gone by, and only what happened to me last year brought me a true sense of destiny; this is mine, this is me, this is what I was born to do, this is my God-given destiny and nothing and nobody will take that away from me.

Oops. Life happened. Free-will, free-will happened. The band stopped playing, and I was left without a chair to sit in. So sorry, you are out of the game!

That sucks. Two stupid little words, and they do not even begin to convey the reality of my situation; That…Sucks. Truth is, I do not have a hole in my heart, so much as I have a hole in my destiny. All the sand is running out of it. My time is running out.

I do not understand. Why let me feel that sense of destiny, God, if You were going to allow it to be stomped out?

God’s will versus free will. Free will sucks. People make wrong choices, totally wrong choices.

I’d kill for another chance. Literally kill. Okay, not literally, but figuratively literally.

It isn’t that I love her. It isn’t that I cannot live without her. It isn’t that I am delusional, or morose, or myopic in my heart-view of things.

You know what it is? You know why I wish that I could turn the clock back?

Destiny. I truly believed my destiny was linked to her. And I truly believed that God said so, too. I felt alive. For the first time in my life, I felt “whole.” It wasn’t about her. It wasn’t about love. Don’t you see what it was? Don’t you get it?

How can I explain this any better? Um…

I felt whole (I know, I said that already). Whole, for the first time. Like I had a purpose. Not just like I “FELT” like I had a purpose; for the first time, I KNEW I had a purpose, and I knew what it was, too!

Then, somebody made a choice. Somebody NOT me. And they took away my destiny from me.

I didn’t get to die for it. I didn’t get to fight for it until my last breath. I didn’t get to go down in a blaze of glory. There was no storybook ending. The angels didn't hold their breath in awe at what I had accomplished, at what God had sent me to do and I had done. Somebody just reached into me and took my life away, and acted like it wasn’t a big deal even.

Here is the thing. I want to have a sense of destiny again, something I was born to do, something that I know what it is, something that gives me passion and purpose and life.

But…

I already found it. And now it is gone. And nothing I can do will bring it back. So…how can I possibly have it happen again? I mean, if it happens again, in a different way, then…then the first thing was a total and complete lie. And, somewhere deep down in my very soul, somewhere deep down where you nor anybody else can never take it away from me, I KNOW that it was not a lie. It was totally, completely, 100% real destiny.

So, I am hooped. My destiny was stolen from me. My life’s ambition, my whole purpose for being, all of my passion and drive, it was all taken from me, and I cannot ever get it back.

How do you live after that?

I mean, I live, each day I wake up and I am alive, but…I am not really ALIVE, now am I?

How can I be? I found my destiny. Finally, after 37 and a half years of searching, I found it. Within a few short months, it was gone, gone forever.

How does one deal with that?