She

She had never met anybody like me.

In her 35 years of existence, i was something brand-new and ne'er-seen-before in her life.

I confused her. She couldn't completely understand me, or where i was coming from, because she was filtering things through her earthly experiences; i, on the other hand, was coming from a place of higher knowledge and deep unearthly love.

She couldn't put me in a box. In the end, that confused her - she likes to be in control of things, and even when she is not, she pretends to be so as to placate herself and her fears. She couldn't put me in a box, because she did not understand me. That confusion worried her, and rocked her world. So, she pushed me away. And, she found that the less she was around me, and the less influence she allowed me to have, the easier it was for her to explain things away in her own mind. It was easier to return to old patterns of thinking and of doing, and not have to stretch towards something that she did not know (and therefore scared her).

The less she was around me, the more she could mold her thoughts about me in such a way as to compartmentalize and make me fit (in her own head, if not in reality) into a box that she created.

That box, with me in it, became her reality. She thought it, she believed it, and thus, to her, it was so.

And, for me, that was the end of nearly everything.

Everything i believed, everything i wanted, everything i had dreamt, everything i had asked for...nearly everything was taken from me, when she left me behind. She took my present, and my future. Or, at least it feels like it. Still. It STILL feels like it.

Days like this...actually, almost every day is a day like this...on days like this, i feel like i gave my heart, and she ran off and hid it somewhere, and i will never be able to find it, and so i can never love again.

Two failed marriages.
A life full of disappointments.

You would think that these things are the major issues in my life.

But no. Instead, it is this girl, this one girl, who i still feel soul-love for, it is this one girl that has shattered my life into pieces.

I may go on, i may get up each day, go to work, read my Bible, do the things that are expected of me. Occasionally, i may even smile and laugh and cry.

But, in the end, i go to bed each night, wondering if she will ever give my heart back to me, so that i can go on with my life.

And i have no answer.

There is no answer.

She WAS my answer. But now she is gone. And i live, but feel not alive.

She had never met anyone like me. And she never will again. Because i was meant to be in her life, i was sent into her life, and she rejected both me and the One Who sent me.

She still carries me with her, whether she knows it or not, because she was my mission...

Don't get me wrong, friend. I am NOT feeling sorry for myself. See, i do not blame anybody for how things turned out - this is just the way the cookie crumbled. No blaming. No pity. In truth, if i were offered the choice to go back and re-do this all, i would gladly do it all again...and change NOTHING. Even knowing how disappointed i am, and how my life seems to not make sense without her in it, i would still do everything the same way.

See, i did this, and i can hold my head high about all this, because i was ASKED to. This was my mission. Maybe i failed. Maybe i was never meant to succeed, just offer. Who, besides God, knows? Not I! God isn`t telling, and i am not asking. What is the point, it isn`t like i want MORE pain and misery in my head and my heart!

I did what it was appointed me to do. But, my mission is not complete, and it will not be complete until i know that i will see her in heaven. My goal, my primary goal, it was always about her heart belonging to Jesus, not to me.

And that, i truly believe, is why i still feel for her. Because God granted me the ability to feel a little bit of what He feels for her, and that heart-memory lingers on within me. I was privileged and blessed to have been sent into her life. I did not deserve that calling, but it was given, and I answered. And, should God ever in my life call me back into her life to complete that mission, even though i risk more pain, i will go and go gladly.

In the meantime, i wait where i am, and hope God heals the wound in my heart.