FDAHD

Faith dies a hard death.

It doesn’t matter whether the faith you had was in the right thing, or in the wrong thing, or somewhere in that grey limbo in-between. It just doesn’t matter.

When faith dies, it doesn’t stay totally buried. Like the corpse of the Frankenstein monster, it claws its way back to life and shuffles by you on the street unexpectedly.

Sometimes, and I know this may be hard to understand for some of you, but sometimes faith can be unwanted. It gets to be, that faith that keeps shuffling through life when it is no longer wanted, it gets to be that you begin to despise the day you first had faith in that thing.

Because faith does not die easily, nor does it die alone. It lives on just long enough to cut you slowly into pieces and attempt to drag every part of you, piece by bloody piece, into a lifetime of emotional hell.

Even when you do not want it, even when you pray it goes away and leaves you alone…suddenly, you’ll see it on the street, in an alley, reflected in a mirror. The thing that you thought brought you the greatest sanity in life, can end up being your undoing.

When you have faith that something will happen, when you truly believe it with all your heart…you are never the same afterwards.

I wish I could go back. Some days, I honestly wish I could go back. Mainly, because I do not seem to be making any real progress forwards. I am shackled to the earth on which I stand. Immobile. Transfixed. I do not want to be! I struggle to move. I pray for release. But, here I stand, watching my horror-show of a life play out in front of me.

It isn’t fun. It definitely isn’t funny. It’s surreal. And it is keeping me from truly living again. And there does not seem to be any answers to be had…

It isn’t that I hold onto hope that what I previously believed in will still happen. For the most part (except when the odd fit of pure insanity hits me…which, yes, does happen on occasion), I do not believe in that or for that anymore. I try to live in reality. But…my heart keeps reminding me that this is what I believed, truly believed with all of my heart…and it hasn’t come to pass. It…messes with my senses and with my perception of life. It leaves me residing in the State of Confusion (in the city of Hope Springs), at a home that I do not even recognize. Every part of my life seems twisted, perverted, and not what it is supposed to be.

Everything changed when my sense of destiny died, that sense that I had looked for my whole life and finally found; now, I am a nomad in life. Looking for a human who will reach out and be my anchor. Somebody who will focus me and help me to redefine my life and my life’s goals, somebody who will set my heart aflutter again. Somebody who I will one day look at, and see as my destiny. Because, when that day comes, and when that moment arrives, all my pain and confusion will shatter like a broken mirror.

All I want, is a new sense of destiny. All I want, is some body who can see past my pain and confusion and see a good man that God wants to use, and who will help to draw me out again. I can’t do this on my own. I am not so good by myself; I need a partner. A God-sent partner.