my pride

I decided something on the way to work today.

I decided to give myself permission to be proud of myself.

This last year, year and a half, has been very hard on me. And i have been very hard on myself, always looking and digging to try to find where I have made mistakes. I think i need to stop doing that (so much) now. I know i made mistakes. But, i am also proud of myself; proud of myself for trying, proud of myself for caring, proud of myself for believing in the face of much opposition.

I am thinking that it is time to throw my shoulders back, raise my gaze up off of the ground, put a smile on my face, and get out there. Have confidence again. It has been awhile, it’d be nice to be confident again.

There is more to be proud of myself for. Much more. I am beginning to find a little pride in my decision to move on, to not keep my heart bound to MJ forever, to recognize that as much as i cared about her and for her that i now see that she is not good for me. Not that she is a bad person, but because she isn’t good FOR ME. It hurts me still to have to admit that. It hurts me still to have to walk away from what i had faith in. It hurts me not to see her. But i need to move on. And i recognize that, and i am proud of myself for doing what has to be done, for doing what is best for me.

I am giving myself permission to be proud of myself.



In honour of my new-found pride in myself, I am presenting here my newest favourite song. I must have played this 4 or 5 times in a row today. Although it is a bit harsh, and although not all of the lyrics actaully apply to me, still it strikes a chord within me; a chord of hope.

I Love Myself Today - by Bif Naked

You left me like a broken doll,
In pieces as I took the fall
For you, you dumb chump!
You left me free-falling like space junk,
Burning up in the atmosphere of life.

Well I sound like a philosopher,
But I'm a fool who's off her rocker
'Cause I let you in my heart that one last time.

I've had enough, made up my mind,
I'm gonna get up, and out, and...wahhh!!!

I love myself today
Not like yesterday
I'm cool, I'm calm
I'm gonna be okay! Uh huh
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
Take another look at me now
'Cause it's your last look
Your last look forever

Well look at you, you're all puffed up,
In that big red truck- but you're outta luck (this time),
Well, that's tough
'Cause I'm on fire - too hot to touch
With a chatroom full of lovers on the line.
Gonna step right up, Spit shine my soul,
I'm gonna be proud, and loud, and outta control!

I love myself today
Not like yesterday
I'm cool, I'm calm
I'm gonna be okay! Uh huh
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
Take another look at me now
'Cause it's your last look
Your last look forever

I'm lookin' in the mirror and I like what I see;
I've lost the fear & the horror that's been eating at me,
'Cause being with you is like a hangman's noose,
I was living my life in dead man's shoes!!

I've had enough, Made up my mind,
I'm gonna get up, and out, and...wahhh!!!

I love myself today
Not like yesterday
I'm cool, I'm calm
I'm gonna be okay! Uh huh
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
Take another look at me now

I love myself today
Not like yesterday
You're dead and gone
I'm gonna get my way
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
Take another look at me now
'Cause it's your last look
Your last look forever!!

I love myself today [x7]