Soul-Death

There was once a time that I knew what I wanted out of life.

During this time, I had a sense of purpose. I felt useful. I felt alive. I felt needed. That is what that sense of purpose gave to me; it gave me life. It awakened me, and shot my faith to record heights.

It was the best few months of my life.


When that sense of purpose left…when I lost the ability to get what I wanted out of life…I died inside.

I realize now that I have lost the emotional ability to love.

I have no love in my life. I have no joy, no peace, no security, and no faith. I lost everything.

I had in front of me a map of my life that I wanted so badly to follow, one that felt so right. I felt such a sense of destiny. There was a greater purpose, the ability to give, to teach, to reach out, to truly love.

Now, all I have is me. Just a floundering self. The waves of life crash over me day by day, hour by hour, second by second. The best that I can do, on my good days, is ignore them. On those other days, those not-so-good days, they kill me again and again.

What is love? What is peace? What is joy? What is security? What is faith? What is destiny? What is purpose? What is life?

My sense of self is skewed.

The only reprieve I have from my confusion, is when I feel frustrated. I numb myself to survive.

I do not know how to hear from God. Once, I thought I knew, I thought I knew very well. Then, darkness, and death of plans and future. Now, the light that shone on my path, I cannot see through the blindfold of the mess that is my life right now.

The only thing that I truly know, is that I do not know or understand anything. That seems to be my one constant.

That, and I hate my life, I hate the way it is right now. I hate that I lost what I once had; the one thing that I had searched for my whole life and finally found, it was ripped from me.

And I do not understand the “why”.

I know I messed up somewhere. I know it is my fault; it must be. But I still cannot see clearly what it is that I did, or how I get back to where I was right.

If love is a good thing, if having love to give and giving it out of a good heart is something that should happen, then why was it stolen from me?

Why get my hopes up, only to have everything that was good be ripped away from me?



“Labelled sick but I’m just a man
Everyone I love has left me for dead”
- Nevermore, “Next In Line”


Wouldn’t I have been better never to know what love is, if I had to lose it right after?


“To see the last survivor fall
To see their bastards sons against the wall
To see the emptiness as we decay
I see the world is dead, I am betrayed
Dead heart in a dead world
Dead heart in a dead world
This rotten hole that I call home bled dry again
This lesion marked upon my soul
Left an empty hanging man
Across the fields, into the sea
To find the light from within
Out of this lake I've tried to crawl
I think I'm there and then again I fall
Again I fall
Burn your gods and kill the king
Subjugate your suffering
Dead heart, in a dead world
We must remember wounds so deep
take time to heal
and sometimes though we struggle still
life seems surreal
Emotions turned to cold dead wood
Can still have life once more
The door that slammed upon your heart
Torn away, torn away
Burn your gods and kill the king
Subjugate your suffering
Dead heart, in a dead world
Burn your gods and kill the king
Subjugate your suffering
Dead heart, in a dead world
Dead heart, in a dead world”
- Nevermore, “Dead Heart In A Dead World”



Think that a soul cannot die?

I am here to tell you that if they can't, then they sure can be beaten to within an inch of their life. I know.