So, what has been going on in my world, in my life? Those are the questions you come here seeking answers for, after all.
Well, things are fairly quiet right now. I am healing, moving on. My heart is in a better place than it has been…in a long time, maybe ever. I have a lot of peace, and I am working on having trust and faith; it is a process. I see myself as getting more and more whole, and that is a goal. It is a lifelong goal. Getting whole, being whole, staying whole.
Question – have you ever noticed that, especially when things fall apart in life, we want answers from God? We struggle so hard to understand things and to change things. We go to God, and we ask Him (sometimes even demand Him) to explain to us why things went the way that they did; God, why did You do this, why did You allow this, what is the purpose in this, are You just punishing me, did I do something wrong, tell me what to do – right now – to make things right, how could a good God allow me to suffer, why cannot things ever go right in my life, will I always be a screw-up, should I just walk away from You since I cannot make anything good of my life with You, can I even trust You God?
On and on, we question, we rail, we demand, we plead, we cry. Ever notice, the one thing we are not good at, is listening? In particular, we as a species seem to be very bad at taking silence as an answer. Did you know that silence is a legitimate answer from God to the questions and worries that You have? Sometimes, I believe that God uses silence to teach us something – but because we hate the silence, we do not learn the lesson in it.
Mainly, I think the thing God uses silence to teach us, is this…
He has the answers, not us. We do not need the answers, we just need Him. Sometimes He gives the answers to us, oftentimes not. He knows what is best for us. That is what makes Him the Great Creator, and us His creation. We all tend to think that we would never be like Job, complaining to God about our lot in life. Have you actually read the book of Job lately? For so long, Job did the right thing – He remained silent, while those around Him cast blame. He endured for a long time, but in the end, Job questioned God. Have you ever read God’s response to Job?
Open up that Bible of yours, and turn with me to Job chapter 38, verse 1. Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind: “Who is this that questions My wisdom with such ignorant words? Brace yourself like a man, because I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.”
Oh man. Job is in a heap of trouble, folks. Do you get the feeling that God’s righteous anger has been kindled against Job? Yup, me too. That “you must answer them” part, that is NOT a good sign for old Job.
If you want to know how bad it is, how much crap Job is in for, consider that God’s little talk with Job continues for another 71 verses.
After that, Job gives a response. Basically, Job says, “Oops, my bad. I will shut up now, Lord. I’ve said too much, You’re pissed, and I am so very sorry.”
After that, all is good, right? Job admits he is wrong, and hey, if he is still angry at God deep down inside, then that is okay, right, because after all he went through a hell of a lot and so it is okay to be a bit grumpy still, right? Uh, no, not right at all. God is not finished with Job yet. The Lord follows up His original 73 verse speech with another 53 verses, declaring how He is God and Job is not. Anybody else get the feeling that it is a really, really, really bad idea to demand answers of God for the way your life has gone, to accuse Him, to even suggest that He is doing you an injustice of some sort?
After this, Job becomes completely penitent. He humbles himself, which he had not done before. He now realizes that God is God, and he is not. Job has no right to question God, and he now understands that thoroughly. He had heard of Who God is beforehand, but now God has shown Himself to Job through what He told him about Himself, and now Job understand his place in life. It is all about God, and not about Job. Nor is it about any of us; it is about what God is doing in us and through us – and that makes it all about God, folks.
Sometimes, I think it is a blessing when God answers us with silence, don’t you? I mean, He could very easily answer us in the same way that He answered Job. Would you like that sort of an intense spotlight to be shone on you by God? Would you like for God to put you in your place? In His silence, God gives us the time and space to figure out for ourselves Who God is, and who we are, and what that relationship should look like. And, to realize that ours is not to question why. Ultimately, the real truth here is, to ask why is to be found lacking in faith.
In the middle of Job chapter 42, God says that He is angry with Job’s friends. They tried to explain and understand why Job had fallen into calamity. But this whole episode was never about Job; it was never about who Job was, or what he had, or what he lost. Instead, this was all about God; Who He is, and how we should relate to Him. That was what He wanted taught. And although Job did finally question God, and got severely rebuked for it, still God forgave him, and then His anger was transferred to those who, well-meaning though they might have been, led Job down the wrong path (away from the truths God was trying to place within him).
It isn’t always about what is happening to us, so much as it is about what God is teaching us through it. And that is why, even in the worst of times, we can rely on our God, because He always has our greatest good in mind.
So, in these times of quiet and silence in my life, I choose to thank God for what I have, and for what He is teaching me, and mostly for Who He is. I know that I am safely in His hands, right where I belong. I will get my eyes off of circumstances and surroundings, and put my eyes instead on what is real; I will look to Jesus, and worship Him.
And that is where my life is at.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Stuck in a holding pattern. Needing direction. Needing a helping hand. Needing somebody who cares. Is that so wrong?
Stuck, stuck in a holding pattern, going round and round...
Round And Round by Threshold
Can't rely on reality
Things ain't what they appear to be
When you visit please don't forget
The fragile mess of this nervous wreck
Who of you feels he's been here before?
Now I've been here twelve times or more
Life's becoming a bit of a bore
If the ceiling speaks please don't complain
He might just make me go back, round again
Who of you feels he's been here before?
Round and round and round again
The first million years
They were the worst
The second million years
They were the worst as well
Please don't ask 'cause I can't explain
Why I keep coming back again
Maybe it's 'cause when I roll the dice
I never get to throw afterlife
Who of you feels he's been here before?
Round and round and round
Stuck, stuck in a holding pattern, going round and round...
Round And Round by Threshold
Can't rely on reality
Things ain't what they appear to be
When you visit please don't forget
The fragile mess of this nervous wreck
Who of you feels he's been here before?
Now I've been here twelve times or more
Life's becoming a bit of a bore
If the ceiling speaks please don't complain
He might just make me go back, round again
Who of you feels he's been here before?
Round and round and round again
The first million years
They were the worst
The second million years
They were the worst as well
Please don't ask 'cause I can't explain
Why I keep coming back again
Maybe it's 'cause when I roll the dice
I never get to throw afterlife
Who of you feels he's been here before?
Round and round and round
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Echoes
Lyrics to the song "Echoes Of Life" by Threshold
Everything's gone out of control silently sliding away
Destiny's end is calling again the future was yesterday
Visions of light fade in my eyes energy falls from my hands
Faint in the night echoes of life drown in the day's demands
How did I get so stranded
Here I am built a house on the sand
And I know I've been slipping away too fast
Slipping away
I caught a glimmer of what could be
Another future a possibility
But just a blink and it was gone
And I was staring back at me
Forever dreaming of what to do
Never achieving I never see it through
Don't want to live like yesterday
This time my dreams are coming true
The clouds are rolling by there's purpose in the sky
I'm rooted to the ground procrastinating
The sun's about to set and nothing's happened yet
Don't want to close my eyes I'm tired of waiting
Lost in the safety of modern times
Nobody tells you to read between the lines
So you could stumble in the dark
Or you could open up your eyes
The clouds are rolling by there's purpose in the sky
I'm rooted to the ground procrastinating
The sun's about to set and nothing's happened yet
Don't want to close my eyes I'm tired of waiting
I'm tired of waiting
I caught a glimmer of what could be
Another future a new reality
I'm going to chase it through the night
I'm going to bring it back to me
The clouds are rolling by there's purpose in the sky
I'm rooted to the ground procrastinating
The sun's about to set and nothing's happened yet
Don't want to close my eyes I'm tired of waiting
I'm tired of waiting
Here I am built a house on the sand
And I know I've been slipping away too fast
Slipping away
Visions of light fade in my eyes energy falls from my hands
Faint in the night echoes of life drown in the day's demands
How can I stop them from slipping away
Everything's gone out of control silently sliding away
Destiny's end is calling again the future was yesterday
Visions of light fade in my eyes energy falls from my hands
Faint in the night echoes of life drown in the day's demands
How did I get so stranded
Here I am built a house on the sand
And I know I've been slipping away too fast
Slipping away
I caught a glimmer of what could be
Another future a possibility
But just a blink and it was gone
And I was staring back at me
Forever dreaming of what to do
Never achieving I never see it through
Don't want to live like yesterday
This time my dreams are coming true
The clouds are rolling by there's purpose in the sky
I'm rooted to the ground procrastinating
The sun's about to set and nothing's happened yet
Don't want to close my eyes I'm tired of waiting
Lost in the safety of modern times
Nobody tells you to read between the lines
So you could stumble in the dark
Or you could open up your eyes
The clouds are rolling by there's purpose in the sky
I'm rooted to the ground procrastinating
The sun's about to set and nothing's happened yet
Don't want to close my eyes I'm tired of waiting
I'm tired of waiting
I caught a glimmer of what could be
Another future a new reality
I'm going to chase it through the night
I'm going to bring it back to me
The clouds are rolling by there's purpose in the sky
I'm rooted to the ground procrastinating
The sun's about to set and nothing's happened yet
Don't want to close my eyes I'm tired of waiting
I'm tired of waiting
Here I am built a house on the sand
And I know I've been slipping away too fast
Slipping away
Visions of light fade in my eyes energy falls from my hands
Faint in the night echoes of life drown in the day's demands
How can I stop them from slipping away
Sunday, September 20, 2009
inspired
Lord, I am thankful for when You have walked me through difficult times in my life; where You carried me, encouraged me, coaxed me, walked with me, and beat a path for me.
I am thankful for every tear that You have collected, and every laugh that You have inspired.
Thank You. You are my life, and my life is Yours.
I am thankful for every tear that You have collected, and every laugh that You have inspired.
Thank You. You are my life, and my life is Yours.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
quoting me
A quote, by me. My words, used here, for the first time. This line is sure ot stand the test of time, and make me lots of money;
"It may be somewhat acceptable to beat a dead horse, but giving it mouth-to-mouth is definitely out."
- Dredd Sweet
"It may be somewhat acceptable to beat a dead horse, but giving it mouth-to-mouth is definitely out."
- Dredd Sweet
Monday, September 7, 2009
24
Is there anyone who is able to read Genesis chapter 24, and not see the amazing beauty in it?
Possibly the greatest love story ever told.
Every word is blinding with romantic brilliance, showing the favour and blessing of God to man (and woman).
Possibly the greatest love story ever told.
Every word is blinding with romantic brilliance, showing the favour and blessing of God to man (and woman).
nuts
My daily devotional got me instantly contemplative, and God spoke to me.
September 7
We Need a Great Savior
[Peter] shouted, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught Peter.
Matthew 14:30-31 (NCV)
We come to Christ in an hour of deep need. We abandon the boat of good works. . . .We realize, like Peter, that spanning the gap between us and Jesus is a feat too great for our feet. So we beg for help. Hear his voice. And step out in fear, hoping that our little faith will be enough. . . .
Faith is a desperate dive out of the sinking boat of human effort and a prayer that God will be there to pull us out of the water. Paul wrote about this kind of faith . . . :
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast" (Eph. 2:8-9 NIV).
I get it, Lord.
I thought I was having faith, and I was; but faith in WHAT? When I examine, I know the answer - faith in myself. I had faith that You would enable me to be able to accomplish things that benefitted myself and glorified myself.
I was wrong. I am so sorry, Lord.
Here then is the answer I have been searching so long now for; right here, laid out in front of me. This is why things did not work out as I thought they would.
I had faith; faith that I could cause her to love me, faith that my friendship would enable me to lead her to Christ, faith that I was the only one who could accomplish these things in her.
I had faith in me.
In so doing, I became faithless. I became all about me, all about my wants, and making (trying to make) God line up with my desires.
Meanwhile, God was all about using these experiences to make me need Him more, to draw me closer to Him, and to change me within.
As I have been learning lately, change hurts. Change happens in great upheaval and stress in life. God uses these things, even allows them, to change us within.
Now, I have my answer. I have no more reason to question my past, and now I need to allow God to make the changes in me (as He has been slowly doing) that allow me to move on in Him. My past is behind me, and my future is in His eyes and His hands. All I need to do is look to Him.
Truly, it is all about Jesus.
Might be a good time to admit, I went to church this Sunday, for the first time in about a year. It was "alright". But it wasn't about me, so much as it was about being obedient and cultivating good habits in my life.
God is love. So, let Your love rain down upon my head, Lord.
September 7
We Need a Great Savior
[Peter] shouted, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught Peter.
Matthew 14:30-31 (NCV)
We come to Christ in an hour of deep need. We abandon the boat of good works. . . .We realize, like Peter, that spanning the gap between us and Jesus is a feat too great for our feet. So we beg for help. Hear his voice. And step out in fear, hoping that our little faith will be enough. . . .
Faith is a desperate dive out of the sinking boat of human effort and a prayer that God will be there to pull us out of the water. Paul wrote about this kind of faith . . . :
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast" (Eph. 2:8-9 NIV).
I get it, Lord.
I thought I was having faith, and I was; but faith in WHAT? When I examine, I know the answer - faith in myself. I had faith that You would enable me to be able to accomplish things that benefitted myself and glorified myself.
I was wrong. I am so sorry, Lord.
Here then is the answer I have been searching so long now for; right here, laid out in front of me. This is why things did not work out as I thought they would.
I had faith; faith that I could cause her to love me, faith that my friendship would enable me to lead her to Christ, faith that I was the only one who could accomplish these things in her.
I had faith in me.
In so doing, I became faithless. I became all about me, all about my wants, and making (trying to make) God line up with my desires.
Meanwhile, God was all about using these experiences to make me need Him more, to draw me closer to Him, and to change me within.
As I have been learning lately, change hurts. Change happens in great upheaval and stress in life. God uses these things, even allows them, to change us within.
Now, I have my answer. I have no more reason to question my past, and now I need to allow God to make the changes in me (as He has been slowly doing) that allow me to move on in Him. My past is behind me, and my future is in His eyes and His hands. All I need to do is look to Him.
Truly, it is all about Jesus.
Might be a good time to admit, I went to church this Sunday, for the first time in about a year. It was "alright". But it wasn't about me, so much as it was about being obedient and cultivating good habits in my life.
God is love. So, let Your love rain down upon my head, Lord.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
please watch
Please click on the below link and watch this short video. It is very important that we support God's work in these perilous times. Thank you.
www.youtube.com/cseministry
God bless this ministry. And He will.
www.youtube.com/cseministry
God bless this ministry. And He will.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
guiltee
I am guilty as charged.
I find myself guilty of something, something that I am only recently realizing...
Even though the Bible says not to compare, and I agree with that wholeheartedly, too many times I find myself comparing my own life to my father's life. Perhaps because I desperately want to be like him?
And, too often, I feel discouraged, because I hear about all the stories of what my dad accomplished in his life, all the things God did in and through him, and I feel like I will never ever be like that, like I am some sort of abysmal failure. Here I am, a grown man, and I am accomplishing so very little in my life or the lives of those around me!
But lately, I have realized something, something significant...
I look at my dad, and I am proud of him; I see a man of God, a man after God's own heart. He has always been this to me - as far back as I can remember my one over-riding thought about my Dad is that he was and is a Godly man.
Nothing wrong with that, that is for sure!
But to compare myself to him, is so very unfair to me. Also, it is unfair to God. Not only am I a completely different type of person than my father is, but we lead different lives in different times in different ways. And, also, and here is what I found REALLY significant;
Yes, my Dad to me has always been a Godly man. As long as I have known him. But, I may be an adult, but I am only 38 years old. My Dad was very nearly 48 years old, when I was born!
So...even if I started noticing that my Dad was a Godly man by the time I was ten years old, for instance, that would mean that he was 58 at the time. A full twenty years older than I am now!
God just needs more time with me! LOL. He isn't finished yet...He is just getting started!
One day, I will have my own stories to tell of how God touched me and my life. Heck, I have got a bushel full of those already!
I spend too much time comparing a seed to a full-grown tree, and wondering why I do not have the same branches...
Lord, forgive me. Keep helping me grow, even when it hurts me to. Amen.
Billy Talent's song "Tears Into Wine"
(highlighted portions by me)
The gun is loaded when the class is full
Down the hatch and the trigger's pulled
Off the wake and they're back onto the stool
I know that when I stare into your eyes
I can see all the years of lies
Ghosts and demons you never exorcised
All the friends that I've ever known
Are the street lamps I follow home
And I'm in the crowd but I'm all alone
Oh Lord, I just can't
Tear the moon from the stars tonight
Twist my arm like a knife tonight
And if you wanna leave, that's alright
Well, I'll just turn these tears into wine
His fate was written on a neon sign
A DUI never changed his mind
He got hooked like a fish caught on a line
You never gave yourself a chance to shine
Your destination's a chalk outline
And when you get to the gates you'll be denied
All the friends that I've ever known
Are the street lamps I follow home
And I'm in the crowd but I'm all alone
Oh Lord, I just can't
Tear the moon from the stars tonight
Twist my arm like a knife tonight
And if you wanna leave, that's alright
Well, I'll just turn these tears into wine
Tear the moon from the stars tonight
Twist my arm like a knife tonight
And if you wanna leave, that's alright
Well, I'll just turn these tears into wine
All the friends that I've ever known
Are the street lamps I follow home
The tide keeps pulling me down
I try to reach higher ground
I'll never give up and drown
Even though I just can't
Tear the moon from the stars tonight
Twist my arm like a knife tonight
And if you wanna leave, that's alright
Well, I'll just turn these tears into wine
Tear the moon from the stars tonight
Twist my arm like a knife tonight
And if you wanna leave, that's alright
Well, I'll just turn these tears into wine
Tears into wine, tears into wine
Well, I'll just turn these tears into wine
'Til next time, faithful readers...
Slainte!
"One idea or direction from God can forever change the course of your life. God can do anything if you will simply stop limiting Him in your thinking."
"One idea...or direction...from God...can...forever...change...the course...of your life."
I find myself guilty of something, something that I am only recently realizing...
Even though the Bible says not to compare, and I agree with that wholeheartedly, too many times I find myself comparing my own life to my father's life. Perhaps because I desperately want to be like him?
And, too often, I feel discouraged, because I hear about all the stories of what my dad accomplished in his life, all the things God did in and through him, and I feel like I will never ever be like that, like I am some sort of abysmal failure. Here I am, a grown man, and I am accomplishing so very little in my life or the lives of those around me!
But lately, I have realized something, something significant...
I look at my dad, and I am proud of him; I see a man of God, a man after God's own heart. He has always been this to me - as far back as I can remember my one over-riding thought about my Dad is that he was and is a Godly man.
Nothing wrong with that, that is for sure!
But to compare myself to him, is so very unfair to me. Also, it is unfair to God. Not only am I a completely different type of person than my father is, but we lead different lives in different times in different ways. And, also, and here is what I found REALLY significant;
Yes, my Dad to me has always been a Godly man. As long as I have known him. But, I may be an adult, but I am only 38 years old. My Dad was very nearly 48 years old, when I was born!
So...even if I started noticing that my Dad was a Godly man by the time I was ten years old, for instance, that would mean that he was 58 at the time. A full twenty years older than I am now!
God just needs more time with me! LOL. He isn't finished yet...He is just getting started!
One day, I will have my own stories to tell of how God touched me and my life. Heck, I have got a bushel full of those already!
I spend too much time comparing a seed to a full-grown tree, and wondering why I do not have the same branches...
Lord, forgive me. Keep helping me grow, even when it hurts me to. Amen.
Billy Talent's song "Tears Into Wine"
(highlighted portions by me)
The gun is loaded when the class is full
Down the hatch and the trigger's pulled
Off the wake and they're back onto the stool
I know that when I stare into your eyes
I can see all the years of lies
Ghosts and demons you never exorcised
All the friends that I've ever known
Are the street lamps I follow home
And I'm in the crowd but I'm all alone
Oh Lord, I just can't
Tear the moon from the stars tonight
Twist my arm like a knife tonight
And if you wanna leave, that's alright
Well, I'll just turn these tears into wine
His fate was written on a neon sign
A DUI never changed his mind
He got hooked like a fish caught on a line
You never gave yourself a chance to shine
Your destination's a chalk outline
And when you get to the gates you'll be denied
All the friends that I've ever known
Are the street lamps I follow home
And I'm in the crowd but I'm all alone
Oh Lord, I just can't
Tear the moon from the stars tonight
Twist my arm like a knife tonight
And if you wanna leave, that's alright
Well, I'll just turn these tears into wine
Tear the moon from the stars tonight
Twist my arm like a knife tonight
And if you wanna leave, that's alright
Well, I'll just turn these tears into wine
All the friends that I've ever known
Are the street lamps I follow home
The tide keeps pulling me down
I try to reach higher ground
I'll never give up and drown
Even though I just can't
Tear the moon from the stars tonight
Twist my arm like a knife tonight
And if you wanna leave, that's alright
Well, I'll just turn these tears into wine
Tear the moon from the stars tonight
Twist my arm like a knife tonight
And if you wanna leave, that's alright
Well, I'll just turn these tears into wine
Tears into wine, tears into wine
Well, I'll just turn these tears into wine
'Til next time, faithful readers...
Slainte!
"One idea or direction from God can forever change the course of your life. God can do anything if you will simply stop limiting Him in your thinking."
"One idea...or direction...from God...can...forever...change...the course...of your life."
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
part 2
Two messages from my Hope For Today Bible…
New Names:
“I will return to you about this time next year, and your wife, Sarah, will have a son!”
(Genesis 18:10)
When God told Abraham and Sarah that they were going to have a child, they were both well beyond the childbearing years. No wonder Sarah laughed. She must have said, “Abraham, what are you talking about? Me? Have a child? I’m an old woman. I don’t think so.”
God had to change the image they had of themselves before they could ever have that child. How did God do that? He changed their names; He changed the words they were hearing. He changed Sarai to Sarah, which means “princess”. He changed Abram to Abraham, which means “father of many nations”. Think about it. Before Abraham had a single child, God called him, by faith, the father of many nations. Every time somebody said, “Hey, Abraham. How you doing?” they were saying, “Hello, father of many nations.” He heard that so often, it began to sink down inside him.
Sarah was an older woman who had never had any children. She probably didn’t feel much like a princess, but every time somebody said, “Hello, Sarah,” they were saying, “Hello, princess.” Over time, that changed her self-image. She no longer saw herself as an older, barren woman; she began to see herself as a princess. Eventually, she gave birth to a child whom she named Isaac (there’s a story behind that name, too), as God had instructed.
Perhaps God has whispered something to your heart that seems totally impossible. It may seem impossible for you to ever be well again, or impossible for you to get out of debt, to get married, to lose weight, to start that new business. In the natural, physical realm, all the odds seem to be against you; you don’t see how it could happen. But if you’re going to see those dreams come to pass, you have to get your mouth moving in the right direction and use your words to help you develop a new image on the inside.
No matter how impossible something looks, no matter how you feel, start boldly declaring, “I am strong in the Lord. I can do all things through Christ. I am well able to fulfill my destiny.” Call in what God has promised you. There’s a song that says, “Let the weak say I am strong.” You may not feel well today, but don’t go around saying, “I don’t think I’m ever going to get over this sickness.” Instead, start boldly declaring, “God is restoring health to me. I am getting better every day in ever way.”
Or maybe your financial situation doesn’t look good. Stars declaring, “I am blessed. I am prosperous. I’m the head and not the tail. I will lend and not borrow.”
Don’t merely use your words to describe your situation; use your words to change your situation.
God Without Limits:
Then the Lord said to Abraham…”Is anything too hard for the Lord?”
(Genesis 18:13-14)
Abraham and Sarah were stuck in the natural – they couldn’t see beyond what they couldn’t do. So they had a hard time imagining what God could do!
We often have the same problem when we think that our situation is beyond God’s control or power. But God is not limited by your education or lack of it. He’s not limited by what you have or what you don’t have. The Bible declares “with God all things are possible.”
Your job, your creativity, and your efforts are not your source. God is your source, and His creativity and resources are unlimited! One idea or direction from God can forever change the course of your life. God can do anything if you will simply stop limiting Him in your thinking.
New Names:
“I will return to you about this time next year, and your wife, Sarah, will have a son!”
(Genesis 18:10)
When God told Abraham and Sarah that they were going to have a child, they were both well beyond the childbearing years. No wonder Sarah laughed. She must have said, “Abraham, what are you talking about? Me? Have a child? I’m an old woman. I don’t think so.”
God had to change the image they had of themselves before they could ever have that child. How did God do that? He changed their names; He changed the words they were hearing. He changed Sarai to Sarah, which means “princess”. He changed Abram to Abraham, which means “father of many nations”. Think about it. Before Abraham had a single child, God called him, by faith, the father of many nations. Every time somebody said, “Hey, Abraham. How you doing?” they were saying, “Hello, father of many nations.” He heard that so often, it began to sink down inside him.
Sarah was an older woman who had never had any children. She probably didn’t feel much like a princess, but every time somebody said, “Hello, Sarah,” they were saying, “Hello, princess.” Over time, that changed her self-image. She no longer saw herself as an older, barren woman; she began to see herself as a princess. Eventually, she gave birth to a child whom she named Isaac (there’s a story behind that name, too), as God had instructed.
Perhaps God has whispered something to your heart that seems totally impossible. It may seem impossible for you to ever be well again, or impossible for you to get out of debt, to get married, to lose weight, to start that new business. In the natural, physical realm, all the odds seem to be against you; you don’t see how it could happen. But if you’re going to see those dreams come to pass, you have to get your mouth moving in the right direction and use your words to help you develop a new image on the inside.
No matter how impossible something looks, no matter how you feel, start boldly declaring, “I am strong in the Lord. I can do all things through Christ. I am well able to fulfill my destiny.” Call in what God has promised you. There’s a song that says, “Let the weak say I am strong.” You may not feel well today, but don’t go around saying, “I don’t think I’m ever going to get over this sickness.” Instead, start boldly declaring, “God is restoring health to me. I am getting better every day in ever way.”
Or maybe your financial situation doesn’t look good. Stars declaring, “I am blessed. I am prosperous. I’m the head and not the tail. I will lend and not borrow.”
Don’t merely use your words to describe your situation; use your words to change your situation.
God Without Limits:
Then the Lord said to Abraham…”Is anything too hard for the Lord?”
(Genesis 18:13-14)
Abraham and Sarah were stuck in the natural – they couldn’t see beyond what they couldn’t do. So they had a hard time imagining what God could do!
We often have the same problem when we think that our situation is beyond God’s control or power. But God is not limited by your education or lack of it. He’s not limited by what you have or what you don’t have. The Bible declares “with God all things are possible.”
Your job, your creativity, and your efforts are not your source. God is your source, and His creativity and resources are unlimited! One idea or direction from God can forever change the course of your life. God can do anything if you will simply stop limiting Him in your thinking.
part 1
If you live in the natural, all you will get will be the natural.
As for me, I want to live super-natural...
(more on this later...)
As for me, I want to live super-natural...
(more on this later...)
123lmnop
Another awesome daily devotional. What a great image to start off September with!
God, Your Guardian
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you can hide.
Psalm 91:4 (NCV)
The image of living beneath Shaddai’s shadow reminds me of a rained-out picnic. My college friends and I barely escaped a West Texas storm before it pummeled the park where we were spending a Saturday afternoon. As we were leaving, my buddy brought the car to a sudden stop and gestured to a tender sight on the ground. A mother bird sat exposed to the rain, her wing extended over her baby who had fallen out of the nest. The fierce storm prohibited her from returning to the tree, so she covered her child until the wind passed.
From how many winds is God protecting you? His wing, at this moment, shields you. A slanderous critic heading toward your desk is interrupted by a phone call. A burglar en route to your house has a flat tie. A drunk driver runs out of gas before your car passes his. God, your guardian, protects you.
God, Your Guardian
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you can hide.
Psalm 91:4 (NCV)
The image of living beneath Shaddai’s shadow reminds me of a rained-out picnic. My college friends and I barely escaped a West Texas storm before it pummeled the park where we were spending a Saturday afternoon. As we were leaving, my buddy brought the car to a sudden stop and gestured to a tender sight on the ground. A mother bird sat exposed to the rain, her wing extended over her baby who had fallen out of the nest. The fierce storm prohibited her from returning to the tree, so she covered her child until the wind passed.
From how many winds is God protecting you? His wing, at this moment, shields you. A slanderous critic heading toward your desk is interrupted by a phone call. A burglar en route to your house has a flat tie. A drunk driver runs out of gas before your car passes his. God, your guardian, protects you.
Friday, August 28, 2009
I'm A Lifer
Life is about admitting your mistakes. Those who cannot admit their mistakes, are doomed to repeat them.
I met a girl like that once; even fell in love with her. In her life, everything bad that happened was somebody else's fault. By blaming others, she never felt the need to take responsibility for her own life's situations, so she never changed herself. It was always somebody else who needed to change to suit her. And, if she never changes that tune, she will always be the willing victim in her life. That's sad.
So, my life, my mistakes. Not learning to be more unselfish in my twenties, that was my mistake, and it cost me my first marriage. Not wanting or willing to be alone, that was my mistake, and it led to me marrying my second wife. Not dealing with my past and hiding my head in the sand, that was my mistake, and that helped lead to my second marriage failing. Falling in love with someone, when I was married to somebody else, that was my mistake, and it hurt somebody I really had no desire to hurt. Falling in love with a non-Christian, that was my mistake, and it has led me to a lifetime of pain and a crossroads in my life.
Wearing my heart on my sleeve, and being open...that wasn't a mistake, that is just me, that is who I am.
All of my mistakes, they lead me to who I am today. Today...today is a new day. Each and every day, is a new day, a day of choices and opportunities. A day of forgiveness. Each and every day, is a blessing, a gift from God to me.
I admit my mistakes. I learn from them. I am forgiven. And I move on into my future.
This is my life. I accept it, I live it, and I am thankful for it. May God bless it, and use it for His glory.
I met a girl like that once; even fell in love with her. In her life, everything bad that happened was somebody else's fault. By blaming others, she never felt the need to take responsibility for her own life's situations, so she never changed herself. It was always somebody else who needed to change to suit her. And, if she never changes that tune, she will always be the willing victim in her life. That's sad.
So, my life, my mistakes. Not learning to be more unselfish in my twenties, that was my mistake, and it cost me my first marriage. Not wanting or willing to be alone, that was my mistake, and it led to me marrying my second wife. Not dealing with my past and hiding my head in the sand, that was my mistake, and that helped lead to my second marriage failing. Falling in love with someone, when I was married to somebody else, that was my mistake, and it hurt somebody I really had no desire to hurt. Falling in love with a non-Christian, that was my mistake, and it has led me to a lifetime of pain and a crossroads in my life.
Wearing my heart on my sleeve, and being open...that wasn't a mistake, that is just me, that is who I am.
All of my mistakes, they lead me to who I am today. Today...today is a new day. Each and every day, is a new day, a day of choices and opportunities. A day of forgiveness. Each and every day, is a blessing, a gift from God to me.
I admit my mistakes. I learn from them. I am forgiven. And I move on into my future.
This is my life. I accept it, I live it, and I am thankful for it. May God bless it, and use it for His glory.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Oh, Ow! I Love Jesus
I was searching through some of my various piles of stuff and what-nots and junk on some of my shelves, sorting through it all to find what to throw, what to keep, what to store, etcetera.
I came upon a card that I had tucked away. It was from my second wife, Rachelle. She had given it to me sometimes after we had separated. The card was encouraging me to get close to God, that we COULD work things out between us still and that she believed in me and would be there for me.
Ouch. Good thing that God is forgiving, isn't it?
I do not beleive in coincidences, so I guess was meant to find this now...
When Rachelle and I split up, I was hurt, very very hurt and very tired of trying. Although I feigned some "trying" (to work on our relationship) for her sake, I spent most of my time ignoring her. The only thing that I ignored more than her, was me and my own problems. I didn't have the strength to face myself. So, I didn't. I put my life on "ignore", and spent my time doing anything but making my own life or my own self better. I did not FEEL supported by Rachelle - after everything we had gone through, I just felt very very judged. There was little to no trust left between us, she had spied on me without reason too many times. She had attacked me too many times. And the fact that the same person who ridiculed me for my strong stand with God, would turn to Him only when we were split up...well, that is just like human nature, isn't it?
I hate letting people down. I let Rachelle and Chelsea both down. And, by the time I HAD spent some time working on me and mine, it was too late, she wanted nothing to do with me, as I had hurt her several more times in between.
I guess I will never know how things would have turned out, if Melanie had not come into my life. On the one hand, she drove me away from Rachelle. On the other hand, she was the impetus for change in my inner life, making me beleive that God wanted to use me, and encouraging me to look within myself and find some good. And when Mel and I went our separate ways, I was forced to deal with all the things in me that I did not like (still am, I suppose).
Huh. Life...some wild ride it is, huh?
Yeah, some...wild...ride...
I came upon a card that I had tucked away. It was from my second wife, Rachelle. She had given it to me sometimes after we had separated. The card was encouraging me to get close to God, that we COULD work things out between us still and that she believed in me and would be there for me.
Ouch. Good thing that God is forgiving, isn't it?
I do not beleive in coincidences, so I guess was meant to find this now...
When Rachelle and I split up, I was hurt, very very hurt and very tired of trying. Although I feigned some "trying" (to work on our relationship) for her sake, I spent most of my time ignoring her. The only thing that I ignored more than her, was me and my own problems. I didn't have the strength to face myself. So, I didn't. I put my life on "ignore", and spent my time doing anything but making my own life or my own self better. I did not FEEL supported by Rachelle - after everything we had gone through, I just felt very very judged. There was little to no trust left between us, she had spied on me without reason too many times. She had attacked me too many times. And the fact that the same person who ridiculed me for my strong stand with God, would turn to Him only when we were split up...well, that is just like human nature, isn't it?
I hate letting people down. I let Rachelle and Chelsea both down. And, by the time I HAD spent some time working on me and mine, it was too late, she wanted nothing to do with me, as I had hurt her several more times in between.
I guess I will never know how things would have turned out, if Melanie had not come into my life. On the one hand, she drove me away from Rachelle. On the other hand, she was the impetus for change in my inner life, making me beleive that God wanted to use me, and encouraging me to look within myself and find some good. And when Mel and I went our separate ways, I was forced to deal with all the things in me that I did not like (still am, I suppose).
Huh. Life...some wild ride it is, huh?
Yeah, some...wild...ride...
dv
I really liked my daily devotional for today...
When the Time Comes
God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
Matthew 6:34 (MSG)
That last phrase is worthy of your highlighter: “when the time comes.”
You may be wanting to know everything to soon. Could it be that God will reveal answers to you when the time comes?
The key is this: Meet today’s problems with today’s strength. Don’t start tackling tomorrow’s problems until tomorrow. You do not have tomorrow’s strength yet. You simply have enough for today.
When the Time Comes
God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
Matthew 6:34 (MSG)
That last phrase is worthy of your highlighter: “when the time comes.”
You may be wanting to know everything to soon. Could it be that God will reveal answers to you when the time comes?
The key is this: Meet today’s problems with today’s strength. Don’t start tackling tomorrow’s problems until tomorrow. You do not have tomorrow’s strength yet. You simply have enough for today.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Without A Vision, Man Perishes
I have a vision in my mind.
I am standing there, with one arm around my lovely daughter, Keegan. My other arm is around my wife. I cannot see who she is, of course. A lot of this vision is cloudy yet, but I am sure it will get clearer when it is supposed to. My wife has one or maybe two children in front of her, pressed close in against our legs; I cannot see their faces or tell what sex they are or what age they are. My wife also has a young baby in the crook of one arm, a very young baby wrapped up tight.
Everyone is smiling. Even though I cannot see the faces, I know that everyone is smiling and happy and relaxed. We are family. Family, a place of love.
I beleive this vision is coming.
I have a vision in my mind. And I am working hard to keep it there, to encourage myself with. To give me hope, and a future. My God has plans for me. It says so in Jeremaiah 29:11.
It is my vision, and I like it, and I call it to me.
I am standing there, with one arm around my lovely daughter, Keegan. My other arm is around my wife. I cannot see who she is, of course. A lot of this vision is cloudy yet, but I am sure it will get clearer when it is supposed to. My wife has one or maybe two children in front of her, pressed close in against our legs; I cannot see their faces or tell what sex they are or what age they are. My wife also has a young baby in the crook of one arm, a very young baby wrapped up tight.
Everyone is smiling. Even though I cannot see the faces, I know that everyone is smiling and happy and relaxed. We are family. Family, a place of love.
I beleive this vision is coming.
I have a vision in my mind. And I am working hard to keep it there, to encourage myself with. To give me hope, and a future. My God has plans for me. It says so in Jeremaiah 29:11.
It is my vision, and I like it, and I call it to me.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Take Care
I am learning to take care of myself.
Some will say that when I decided I was not going back to my second wife to try to make things work (not that they had EVER really worked between the two of us), that it was a selfish decision.
Can't say that I would disagree with them; they're right.
However, to assume that the story has ended with that statement, would be completely false. As with every coin, there are two sides, both equally correct.
The fact is, when I decided not to go back, I was spreading my wings. I was leaving the nest. I needed "me" time, time to discover who I was and what I wanted.
What I DIDN'T want, was to be stuck in a loveless marriage that made me (and everybody else) miserable. I did not want to be in a place where I was being told what I had to be (something completely different than who and what I was). So I chose to re-make myself. I set myself free, and gave myself permission to do it. I did it, and then I forgave myself. It helped to know that my God had forgiven me.
So, I moved on. It has been a bumpy road. A curvy road. The ride has not been fun. But, it was (and still is) necessary.
I am learning about myself; I know what I am like under pressure, and what I'm like when I am happy to be alive, I know Who I rely on when I am down and what happens to me when I turn to distractions instead. I am not relying on anybody to take care of me, but me (and God, of course). Some days, I just cannot like myself at all. A lot of days, I am not very pleased with my life. But, I am determined to own myself as never before. What happens, happens because I allow it to. My life is nobody's fault but my own, and only I can change it (or, only God can change me for the better, but only if I let Him).
It is about personal responsibiliy. If I step on your toes, it is because I mean to; deal with it. If you step on my toes, then it is my decision whether to allow you to be close enough to me to possibly step on them again. My life, my choice - my responsibility.
There are areas of my life where I am fairly 'okay' in. For instance, most of the time I do not feel that I need a woman in my life to complete me. It isn't that I do not 'want' a good woman in my life - I just do not "need" one. I want to be more of a giving person, and I want to be a compassionate lover and sharer, and I desire to have a special someone in my life that I can be like that with - but, it'll happen when it happens, and in the meantime it is just me, I need to take care of me.
Problem being, women do not like my openness; it scares them. Nor do they like "me", as they all want to change me. No acceptance of what IS in their love. Well, I cannot accept that, nor will I accept that. That isn't good for me, and I only want what is good for me in my life.
See? I am learning to take care of myself. Me, all by myself, like a big boy.
20 years since I have become an adult, and I am just now starting to figure it all out...and I have a long long long way to go yet...sigh...
Some will say that when I decided I was not going back to my second wife to try to make things work (not that they had EVER really worked between the two of us), that it was a selfish decision.
Can't say that I would disagree with them; they're right.
However, to assume that the story has ended with that statement, would be completely false. As with every coin, there are two sides, both equally correct.
The fact is, when I decided not to go back, I was spreading my wings. I was leaving the nest. I needed "me" time, time to discover who I was and what I wanted.
What I DIDN'T want, was to be stuck in a loveless marriage that made me (and everybody else) miserable. I did not want to be in a place where I was being told what I had to be (something completely different than who and what I was). So I chose to re-make myself. I set myself free, and gave myself permission to do it. I did it, and then I forgave myself. It helped to know that my God had forgiven me.
So, I moved on. It has been a bumpy road. A curvy road. The ride has not been fun. But, it was (and still is) necessary.
I am learning about myself; I know what I am like under pressure, and what I'm like when I am happy to be alive, I know Who I rely on when I am down and what happens to me when I turn to distractions instead. I am not relying on anybody to take care of me, but me (and God, of course). Some days, I just cannot like myself at all. A lot of days, I am not very pleased with my life. But, I am determined to own myself as never before. What happens, happens because I allow it to. My life is nobody's fault but my own, and only I can change it (or, only God can change me for the better, but only if I let Him).
It is about personal responsibiliy. If I step on your toes, it is because I mean to; deal with it. If you step on my toes, then it is my decision whether to allow you to be close enough to me to possibly step on them again. My life, my choice - my responsibility.
There are areas of my life where I am fairly 'okay' in. For instance, most of the time I do not feel that I need a woman in my life to complete me. It isn't that I do not 'want' a good woman in my life - I just do not "need" one. I want to be more of a giving person, and I want to be a compassionate lover and sharer, and I desire to have a special someone in my life that I can be like that with - but, it'll happen when it happens, and in the meantime it is just me, I need to take care of me.
Problem being, women do not like my openness; it scares them. Nor do they like "me", as they all want to change me. No acceptance of what IS in their love. Well, I cannot accept that, nor will I accept that. That isn't good for me, and I only want what is good for me in my life.
See? I am learning to take care of myself. Me, all by myself, like a big boy.
20 years since I have become an adult, and I am just now starting to figure it all out...and I have a long long long way to go yet...sigh...
CDFF-Lucky This Time by Mr. Big - lyrics
Lyrics to "CDFF-Lucky This Time" by Mr. Big
Lost and alone in this city of darkness
Empty of lovers and full of lies
You build a wall between your dreams and the madness
I reach out my hand but you run and hide
I've watched you cry in the rain
I wanna bring back the joy again
Open your heart to mine
I believe, I believe, you won't be sorry
This time, baby
Open your heart tonight
I believe, I believe you might
Be lucky this time
You might be lucky this time
No guarantees when you risk your emotion
So you surrender and it all went astray
Bitter and hopeless in your cold isolation
But you my love won't ever fade away
I wanna dry all your tears
You know there's nothin' to fear, baby
Open your heart to mine
I believe, I believe, you won't be sorry
This time, baby
Open your heart tonight
I believe, I believe you might
Be lucky this time
You might be lucky this time
And when the shadows start to fall
Let my love break down the walls
Open your heart to mine
I believe, I believe, you won't be sorry
This time, baby
Open your heart tonight
I believe, I believe you might
Be lucky this time
You might be lucky this time
Open your heart to mine
I believe, I believe, you won't be sorry
This time, baby
Open your heart tonight
I believe, I believe you might
Be lucky this time
You might be lucky this time
Lost and alone in this city of darkness
Empty of lovers and full of lies
You build a wall between your dreams and the madness
I reach out my hand but you run and hide
I've watched you cry in the rain
I wanna bring back the joy again
Open your heart to mine
I believe, I believe, you won't be sorry
This time, baby
Open your heart tonight
I believe, I believe you might
Be lucky this time
You might be lucky this time
No guarantees when you risk your emotion
So you surrender and it all went astray
Bitter and hopeless in your cold isolation
But you my love won't ever fade away
I wanna dry all your tears
You know there's nothin' to fear, baby
Open your heart to mine
I believe, I believe, you won't be sorry
This time, baby
Open your heart tonight
I believe, I believe you might
Be lucky this time
You might be lucky this time
And when the shadows start to fall
Let my love break down the walls
Open your heart to mine
I believe, I believe, you won't be sorry
This time, baby
Open your heart tonight
I believe, I believe you might
Be lucky this time
You might be lucky this time
Open your heart to mine
I believe, I believe, you won't be sorry
This time, baby
Open your heart tonight
I believe, I believe you might
Be lucky this time
You might be lucky this time
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Spilled Soul
Something interesting happened to me tonight. A workmate was telling me that she had recently contacted MJ via telephone to congratulate her on the new baby girl, Amelia. (Amelia, it’s Hebrew meaning is “work of the Lord.”)
There was some stuff passed on, mainly Melanie’s continuing declaration that her “husband” is never there for her, that he is never at home and just leaves her on her own with the (now) three kids, and that she is miserably unhappy. (Same old stuff she always spouts; she never takes responsibility to change her own life for the better, though)
My name never came up. She only asked about one person here at work, another supervisor, the only person she still feels she can manipulate here; and she is right, she can manipulate that person – she has proven it time and time again, and others have done so as well.
As my workmate and I discussed, Melanie has always been about manipulating people and things around her. She is all about subtle control. She manipulates everything and everyone in her life. That is how she manages her fears (fears which she says she does not have).
The reason my name never came up, is she has changed the facts in her life to make me 'the bad guy'. She has manipulated the facts, and tried hard to manipulate those around her to believe the facts as she now sees them. She cannot ask about me, even if she wanted to (which I highly doubt she does), for to ask about me would destroy the façade she has built up where everything was my fault that happened between us. Pure, unfair manipulation. Thankfully, God is my judge, and He knows the truth.
Know what the amazing thing is? I still feel deeply for her, and about her. She still carries my heart with her; I just no longer believe that my love for her will ever be returned in this lifetime. She is incapable of it. I pray for her, that God saves her as He promised to, and that He changes her life for the better. And I also continue to pray that God does not allow me to see her, not ever, not unless He wishes for it to happen (God will not give me more than I can bear).
And I try to move on. Hurting still, but moving on, slowly and at my own pace. I’m doing things the only way that I know how, and praying for God’s strength and wisdom to see me through. I hope and believe that I am becoming more and more ready to have a real, and a really good, relationship with a nice Christian woman who loves God passionately. I think that I deserve a good safe happy loving relationship with somebody special, and I think that there is somebody out there who deserves having me in their life. I just wish that I knew where God was leading me. I wish I knew where my life was going, or at least had some small idea. My life has been a sucking whirlpool of aloneness for so long, I just tire of it. I want excitement, I want passion; Lord, I want to love again.
I am ready to live again. To live, to give, and to love. Lord, send it my way, and soon. Fulfill Your promise to me. Make me useful again.
Sometimes, you do not know what you are missing, because you never had it before. Then, when you do have it, and then lose it, you almost wish you had never experienced it, because the loss is so much greater than you can bear.
“I gave her my heart…and she gave me a pen.” – Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything
People get wrapped up in the thinking that I had a romantic, fairytale love for Melanie, and that I should 'grow up, get real, and move on'. People miss the point, they entirely miss the point…
The love I had for her, was not romantic, it was not a heart-love – I was truly in love with her SOUL, because I recognized it. Talking to her and getting to know her, was like getting slapped in the face with the realization that you have a twin that you never knew about. On the surface, we were quite different – but my soul recognized something in her, my spirit recognized her, and it was if I had always known her. It was her SOUL that I loved, and I could not help it. Still to this day, in spite of all my hurt, I STILL recognize her soul. Nothing has changed. I weep for her, because she needs Jesus. I miss her terribly. I wish that I could lay down my life, right here and now, and die for her. If my death would guarantee her salvation, I’d give my life without a second thought – can’t say as I’ve ever felt like THAT about anybody else before this!
I know I can’t have her. I realize that I cannot even be her friend. And I hate it. But I accept it. It is indescribable loss to me.
The reason I never want to see her again, is because I know that if I do, I will have to walk away. Walk away, when every fibre of my being screams not to. I have already had to walk away from her once, to protect myself from her manipulations; I do not jest when I say it almost cost me my sanity. I have never been closer to losing my mind. It has taken me ten months to get to a sane place again. To have to do that again, to have to PHYSICALLY walk away from her….it would kill me.
When I say she still has my heart, it is because I recognize her soul. I’ll never forget her soul. Her soul, I believe it is 'marked' – it belongs to God, she just does not know it yet. I cannot think badly about her, because I love her on a spiritual level. I no longer love her physically, mentally, or emotionally. But spiritually, I think I always will on that level. It can’t be helped.
I gave her my everything, because I was supposed to. I planted seeds, and I watered seeds planted by others. I did my job. Now, God will continue to do His. She WILL be saved. End of story.
For those of you who cannot understand what I say about her; I am sorry. Hopefully, God will lead me to a wonderful woman whom I fall madly in love with, and we will be very happy together. I know that it is possible. I’ve experienced love on a level I never thought I could, so I know it is out there…I’ve just never ever had it returned to me by someone else…
Green-Tinted Sixties Mind by Mr. Big
She just woke up, but she's still tired
Is that the telephone ringing?
The curtains can't hold back the light
That's reaching into her dreams
Down in her heart
If it had fingers, it'd be tearing it apart
You be lookin' groovy
In a sixties movie
Maybe tell the press you died
Little legend baby
Try your very best to hide
A green-tinted sixties mind
She keeps some memories locked away
But they are always escaping
Neglect won't make them fade away
They're reaching into her dreams
Down in her heart
Don't need fingers to be tearing it apart
Gotta face the day
There is no other way
To clear the fog inside your mind
Fill it up with dreams
But all that you can seem to find
A green-tinted sixties mind
Hangin' out with Janis
Movin' to Atlantis
Could've made it if you tried
What's the point of force
It's easy as a horse to ride
A green-tinted sixties mind
You be looking groovy
In a sixties movie
Maybe tell the press you died
Little legend baby
Try your very best to hide
A green-tinted sixties mind
-U can't hide-
And, a poem that I wrote tonight...
http://leplaunpoetree.blogspot.com/2009/08/improbable-drift.html
There was some stuff passed on, mainly Melanie’s continuing declaration that her “husband” is never there for her, that he is never at home and just leaves her on her own with the (now) three kids, and that she is miserably unhappy. (Same old stuff she always spouts; she never takes responsibility to change her own life for the better, though)
My name never came up. She only asked about one person here at work, another supervisor, the only person she still feels she can manipulate here; and she is right, she can manipulate that person – she has proven it time and time again, and others have done so as well.
As my workmate and I discussed, Melanie has always been about manipulating people and things around her. She is all about subtle control. She manipulates everything and everyone in her life. That is how she manages her fears (fears which she says she does not have).
The reason my name never came up, is she has changed the facts in her life to make me 'the bad guy'. She has manipulated the facts, and tried hard to manipulate those around her to believe the facts as she now sees them. She cannot ask about me, even if she wanted to (which I highly doubt she does), for to ask about me would destroy the façade she has built up where everything was my fault that happened between us. Pure, unfair manipulation. Thankfully, God is my judge, and He knows the truth.
Know what the amazing thing is? I still feel deeply for her, and about her. She still carries my heart with her; I just no longer believe that my love for her will ever be returned in this lifetime. She is incapable of it. I pray for her, that God saves her as He promised to, and that He changes her life for the better. And I also continue to pray that God does not allow me to see her, not ever, not unless He wishes for it to happen (God will not give me more than I can bear).
And I try to move on. Hurting still, but moving on, slowly and at my own pace. I’m doing things the only way that I know how, and praying for God’s strength and wisdom to see me through. I hope and believe that I am becoming more and more ready to have a real, and a really good, relationship with a nice Christian woman who loves God passionately. I think that I deserve a good safe happy loving relationship with somebody special, and I think that there is somebody out there who deserves having me in their life. I just wish that I knew where God was leading me. I wish I knew where my life was going, or at least had some small idea. My life has been a sucking whirlpool of aloneness for so long, I just tire of it. I want excitement, I want passion; Lord, I want to love again.
I am ready to live again. To live, to give, and to love. Lord, send it my way, and soon. Fulfill Your promise to me. Make me useful again.
Sometimes, you do not know what you are missing, because you never had it before. Then, when you do have it, and then lose it, you almost wish you had never experienced it, because the loss is so much greater than you can bear.
“I gave her my heart…and she gave me a pen.” – Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything
People get wrapped up in the thinking that I had a romantic, fairytale love for Melanie, and that I should 'grow up, get real, and move on'. People miss the point, they entirely miss the point…
The love I had for her, was not romantic, it was not a heart-love – I was truly in love with her SOUL, because I recognized it. Talking to her and getting to know her, was like getting slapped in the face with the realization that you have a twin that you never knew about. On the surface, we were quite different – but my soul recognized something in her, my spirit recognized her, and it was if I had always known her. It was her SOUL that I loved, and I could not help it. Still to this day, in spite of all my hurt, I STILL recognize her soul. Nothing has changed. I weep for her, because she needs Jesus. I miss her terribly. I wish that I could lay down my life, right here and now, and die for her. If my death would guarantee her salvation, I’d give my life without a second thought – can’t say as I’ve ever felt like THAT about anybody else before this!
I know I can’t have her. I realize that I cannot even be her friend. And I hate it. But I accept it. It is indescribable loss to me.
The reason I never want to see her again, is because I know that if I do, I will have to walk away. Walk away, when every fibre of my being screams not to. I have already had to walk away from her once, to protect myself from her manipulations; I do not jest when I say it almost cost me my sanity. I have never been closer to losing my mind. It has taken me ten months to get to a sane place again. To have to do that again, to have to PHYSICALLY walk away from her….it would kill me.
When I say she still has my heart, it is because I recognize her soul. I’ll never forget her soul. Her soul, I believe it is 'marked' – it belongs to God, she just does not know it yet. I cannot think badly about her, because I love her on a spiritual level. I no longer love her physically, mentally, or emotionally. But spiritually, I think I always will on that level. It can’t be helped.
I gave her my everything, because I was supposed to. I planted seeds, and I watered seeds planted by others. I did my job. Now, God will continue to do His. She WILL be saved. End of story.
For those of you who cannot understand what I say about her; I am sorry. Hopefully, God will lead me to a wonderful woman whom I fall madly in love with, and we will be very happy together. I know that it is possible. I’ve experienced love on a level I never thought I could, so I know it is out there…I’ve just never ever had it returned to me by someone else…
Green-Tinted Sixties Mind by Mr. Big
She just woke up, but she's still tired
Is that the telephone ringing?
The curtains can't hold back the light
That's reaching into her dreams
Down in her heart
If it had fingers, it'd be tearing it apart
You be lookin' groovy
In a sixties movie
Maybe tell the press you died
Little legend baby
Try your very best to hide
A green-tinted sixties mind
She keeps some memories locked away
But they are always escaping
Neglect won't make them fade away
They're reaching into her dreams
Down in her heart
Don't need fingers to be tearing it apart
Gotta face the day
There is no other way
To clear the fog inside your mind
Fill it up with dreams
But all that you can seem to find
A green-tinted sixties mind
Hangin' out with Janis
Movin' to Atlantis
Could've made it if you tried
What's the point of force
It's easy as a horse to ride
A green-tinted sixties mind
You be looking groovy
In a sixties movie
Maybe tell the press you died
Little legend baby
Try your very best to hide
A green-tinted sixties mind
-U can't hide-
And, a poem that I wrote tonight...
http://leplaunpoetree.blogspot.com/2009/08/improbable-drift.html
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