The Bible says that I am a winner, not a loser, and that I am the head and not the tail.
I am feeling a little morose today. This always seems to happen on days when i have to visit the courthouse over my divorce.
Here is the thing. I know God's Word is true...but when do i SEE it be true?
When it comes to love, i am everybody's second choice. My first wife so kindly (lol) told me that she married me only to get away from her mother. My second wife picked me becuz nobody else was calling at the time, and she was tired of being alone. And as soon as her ex-husband showed up on the scene, she almost left me for him. Then, the woman i most recently (although it seems to be a lifetime ago already) fell for, i was her second choice, her "safewty net", the guy she would run to if things did not work out where she was - then, even though they did not work out like she wanted it to, she stayed with that first choice anyways.
I seem to only be attractive to women who are in bad relationships, but choose to stay in them. Or, women only want to be with me until something better comes around. I am always "door number two", the prize that eventually gets traded in for a toaster and a month's supply of whole-grain bread.
"Nice guys finish last". Well, in this world, it seems (so far) to be reality. Life isn't fair; never has been, never will be.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
yawn
6AM...time for bed. But first...
Lincoln Brewster – All I Really Want
Lord I love the way You love me
And how You move me deep within
Lord I love the way You hold me
And draw me into You
Lord I love the way You bless me
And how You look into my heart
Lord I love the way You lead me
Right into Your arms
CHORUS:
God I praise Thee
You amaze me
Take my life
And let Your light shine through
Jesus Savior friend of sinners
Fill me up
Cuz all I really want is more of You
Lincoln Brewster – All The Earth Will Sing Your Praises
You took, You take our sins away oh God
You give and gave Your life away for us
You came down, You saved us thru the cross
Our hearts are changed because of Your great love
You lived, You died, You said in three days You would rise
You did, You're alive
You rule, You reign, You said You're coming back again
I know You will and all the earth will sing Your praises
No one, no name can rise above You Lord
One hope, one life will shine forever more
Your kingdom in heaven and on earth
Your children stand to sing of your great worth
Lincoln Brewster – All I Really Want
Lord I love the way You love me
And how You move me deep within
Lord I love the way You hold me
And draw me into You
Lord I love the way You bless me
And how You look into my heart
Lord I love the way You lead me
Right into Your arms
CHORUS:
God I praise Thee
You amaze me
Take my life
And let Your light shine through
Jesus Savior friend of sinners
Fill me up
Cuz all I really want is more of You
Lincoln Brewster – All The Earth Will Sing Your Praises
You took, You take our sins away oh God
You give and gave Your life away for us
You came down, You saved us thru the cross
Our hearts are changed because of Your great love
You lived, You died, You said in three days You would rise
You did, You're alive
You rule, You reign, You said You're coming back again
I know You will and all the earth will sing Your praises
No one, no name can rise above You Lord
One hope, one life will shine forever more
Your kingdom in heaven and on earth
Your children stand to sing of your great worth
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
my story tonight
Lincoln Brewster - Everlasting God
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer.
You are the everlasting God,
The everlasting God.
You do not faint,
You won't grow weary.
You're the defender of the weak,
You comfort those in need,
You lift us up on wings like eagles.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer.
You are the everlasting God,
The everlasting God.
You do not faint,
You won't grow weary.
You're the defender of the weak,
You comfort those in need,
You lift us up on wings like eagles.
You are the everlasting God,
The everlasting God,
The everlasting God,
The everlasting...
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
(child speaking)
The Lord is the everlasting God,
The creator of all the Earth,
He never grows weak or weary,
No one can measure the depths of His understanding,
He gives power to the weak, and strength to the powerless,
Even youth will become weak and tired,
And young men will fall in exhaustion,
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength,
They will soar high on wings like eagles,
They will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and not faint,
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer.
You are the everlasting God,
The everlasting God.
You do not faint,
You won't grow weary.
You're the defender of the weak,
You comfort those in need,
You lift us up on wings like eagles.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer.
You are the everlasting God,
The everlasting God.
You do not faint,
You won't grow weary.
You're the defender of the weak,
You comfort those in need,
You lift us up on wings like eagles.
You are the everlasting God,
The everlasting God,
The everlasting God,
The everlasting...
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.
(child speaking)
The Lord is the everlasting God,
The creator of all the Earth,
He never grows weak or weary,
No one can measure the depths of His understanding,
He gives power to the weak, and strength to the powerless,
Even youth will become weak and tired,
And young men will fall in exhaustion,
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength,
They will soar high on wings like eagles,
They will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and not faint,
Monday, May 18, 2009
Moving On
Moving on.
Moving on is not a simple thing.
I once thought it was, many years ago; I discovered that was not true. When my first marriage broke up for the last time, I met somebody. She was kind to me, and we hung out together. Eventually, we fell in love and got married. I thought I was over my first wife, over the marriage break-up. I found out, I was not.
Moving on. I am a guy, always have been. I do not know what it is like to be a girl, nor will I ever know. As a guy, I know form experience that many guys “get over” break ups and “move on” in life, by getting angry. They get enraged at the woman, they draw upon those negative and angry feelings that are always near the surface thanks to testosterone, and that is how they move on.
I do not wish to go that route. Anger destroys you, it does not heal you. It isn’t a solution, just a crippling disease that focuses your emotions somewhere other than your pain and loss.
Another way to get over somebody you have loved and cared for, is to find somebody else to care about. You know what? Truthfully, this sounds like a good option. I believe I have a lot to give, a lot to offer somebody. But herein lies the problem; as I have already discovered, you can set yourself up for a greater world of pain if you jump into one relationship without dealing with previous feelings first. I thought I was ready to move on when I met Rachelle, my second wife, I really did! But it took me a few years more before I had totally dealt with those emotional roadblocks from my first marriage. And it ruined the start of my second marriage, setting us on an uneven foundation.
So, the question remains; how do I move on?
It sounds so easy to make myself available to lover again. In theory, it is the correct thing to do. But which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Do I finish healing first and THEN get into another relationship, or do I finish my healing BY becoming involved with somebody else and truly moving on?
Is there an answer? If there is, I do not see it.
Moving on is not a simple thing.
I once thought it was, many years ago; I discovered that was not true. When my first marriage broke up for the last time, I met somebody. She was kind to me, and we hung out together. Eventually, we fell in love and got married. I thought I was over my first wife, over the marriage break-up. I found out, I was not.
Moving on. I am a guy, always have been. I do not know what it is like to be a girl, nor will I ever know. As a guy, I know form experience that many guys “get over” break ups and “move on” in life, by getting angry. They get enraged at the woman, they draw upon those negative and angry feelings that are always near the surface thanks to testosterone, and that is how they move on.
I do not wish to go that route. Anger destroys you, it does not heal you. It isn’t a solution, just a crippling disease that focuses your emotions somewhere other than your pain and loss.
Another way to get over somebody you have loved and cared for, is to find somebody else to care about. You know what? Truthfully, this sounds like a good option. I believe I have a lot to give, a lot to offer somebody. But herein lies the problem; as I have already discovered, you can set yourself up for a greater world of pain if you jump into one relationship without dealing with previous feelings first. I thought I was ready to move on when I met Rachelle, my second wife, I really did! But it took me a few years more before I had totally dealt with those emotional roadblocks from my first marriage. And it ruined the start of my second marriage, setting us on an uneven foundation.
So, the question remains; how do I move on?
It sounds so easy to make myself available to lover again. In theory, it is the correct thing to do. But which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Do I finish healing first and THEN get into another relationship, or do I finish my healing BY becoming involved with somebody else and truly moving on?
Is there an answer? If there is, I do not see it.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
hurts come to light
Just got in the door from work. Thoughts flowing and cascading like a cacophony of sweet devouring…stuff. Must write them out – must purge them from myself, before I implode.
There is a part of me that believes that love is not just by chance. That love is too important in life, that it may possibly be the MOST important thing of all, and therefore surely it cannot just be by fluke when it happens. Oh, I know, there is a rational (mature?) part of me that argues against that – it tells me that love is just an emotion, and that people get into trouble by falling in love with those who are not right for them. Well, that part of me may be correct, but so is the other part. See, I can see and know and recognize those mature elements of life to be true…but I also know that Christ calls us to follow Him as little children, trusting in Him, following after what we cannot see with our five senses. It is called faith – and love, love is a lot like faith, isn’t it?
I believe in love. I believe that I am an artistic person, a “lover” if you will. I also see that this artistic part of me is trapped within the brain of a “thinker”. I like to know what is going on, and to analyze it.
Sigh…o woe is me, wretched man that I am, to be so trapped and divided within my own self! Makes me realize that I am a lot like the biblical King David, the one who wrote all those psalms – trying to figure life out, and throwing himself upon the mercy of God when he cannot. That’s me.
What am I trying to say? Something about love, I believe, but I cannot seem to force it out of my brain!
Let me lay it out on an emotional level, rather than an intellectual level, maybe that’ll help me get it out…
I hurt. Until this last year, never before had I loved a woman and not had that love returned, not had that woman in my arms and in my life, not married her and wanted to be with her and treat her right. I have never had to deal with rejection, in some ways. Oh, I know I have been divorced twice, but at least I was accepted BEFORE I was rejected (and much later), so that helps a lot. But this…this is different. This has affected me deeply. I GRIEVE. My heart, my soul, my spirit…they HURT.
There are some crazy parts of me that pop up on occasion, some things that suggest that what I am really doing is holding on to (insane) beliefs that even though MJ-and-I is deader-than-dead, that one day we will be alive again, in love. Together. Is that insane? Yes, for the most part, it is. It is not rational thinking or rational hope. But, I am a lover, and I cannot help thinking that way on occasion.
Makes me wonder some things.
For instance, how badly did I mess this situation up? Isn’t it possible that God had wanted me to be her friend, just her friend, to stick by her and support her, to never give up on her, until one day she was free to love me as well? Yes, it is possible. But, I will never know, unless God chooses to tell me so (and I will NOT ask Him).
I know it was wrong of me to love her, and to expect her to love me, when I was saved and she is not.
BUT…love is not just a fluke. It happens, and I truly believe it always happens for a reason.
I may have messed up my future, and hers. I may have screwed up royally, worse than I ever have before.
Those are dark thoughts, but that is where my mind can lead me, when I hurt so much in such deep places within myself.
I do not like me without her. Even though I never had her, I still do not feel complete without her in my life. She was every dream I had ever wanted. Now, she is gone. And I feel dead, stripped bare and laid out to rot. When she slipped away from me, I not only died, but in some deep level within me I die again anew every day.
My mind says one thing, and my mind may be right. Yet my heart’s pain cannot be silenced.
What do I want?
That is a good question.
On one hand, I want to stop hurting.
On another, to stop hurting by way of forgetting about MJ and what she has meant to me…maybe I would rather keep suffering within, rather than let go of everything?
Maybe what I still want, is to know that even though I screwed up, that God can make something beautiful of this. I do not want to limit God or place restrictions on Him, so I will not be stupid enough to say that the only beautiful thing that can come of this is if Melanie comes back to me and loves me. I just think…that of all the beautiful things that COULD happen, that would be the MOST beautiful thing that I could imagine. It doesn’t make it likely. Of course, the least likely thing in this world happened already to me – God came down to earth and lived a sinless life as a man and died a horrible death on the cross to save me. Somehow, when I look at that, when I think about that, then NO good thing will God withhold from me. That is a given, a surety. I…just am not sure if this desire is a good thing, or not.
So, what do I know? That God loves me, that God desires to bless me. That I need to be open to that blessing, no matter what form it takes. That I feel like crying right now, but I cannot quite do it. That I still love Melanie Joy Young. That I am a lover, and a realist, and that I have to be BOTH, not just one. That, other than these things, I do not know much of anything.
But, this has been good for me. I mean…how long has it been since I admitted that I love her? How long has it been since I realized that I still would take her in my life, in a heartbeat? I seem to have hidden these things deep within myself, and only just now have I realized that they still live (and that I do not ever want them to die).
Being honest, being honest with yourself is a good thing, right? Right?
Melanie is NOT a bad person. Maybe my expectations of her were unreal. Maybe. Or maybe my timeframe for those expectations was too pushy, too insensitive, too needy. Regardless, she is what she is. She is unsaved, ungodly, ruled by sin. It’s not her fault, though – she was born that way! God (and I) desire to see her saved. To see her life changed from within by God’s abiding presence. It can happen to her. I pray that it does. I will die unhappy, if it does not. She means…she means oh so much to me! She makes my heart ache, for the beauty of her on the inside.
I will never meet somebody like her. I have trouble truthfully imagining that if I ever love anybody else, that they can ever hold a candle to her, and that I might be "settling" (for second best, or outside of God's perfect will) if I choose to love another. I may be insane to think that, and I may be ruining my future to think that, but it is STILL (even after all this time, even after things being dead for this long, even after all the crappy stuff that has happened, even though anything good happening is an impossibility!) the way that I feel!
She has affected me, and affected me for life. She captured my heart, I gave it willingly, and then she left…and now I have nothing.
No, my life is not all sadness. But…my life has a hole in it, and it is in the shape of Melanie. Nothing else will ever fill that part of me.
I have either found the greatest thing in the world in Melanie, or the worst thing in the world in Melanie. I guess it depends which part of me looks at it – the rational part, or the artistic part.
In the end, she is what she is. She is, what God has proclaimed her to be in my life, and in my heart. She is…a part of me.
Lord, make me whole again. I will not limit You, I will not close You in, I will not tell You or demand You to lead my life in a certain way lest I pray against Your will for me…so Lord, simply make me whole again, I ask in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Lord, I am a simple man. I just want to please You. Please Lord, be pleased with me, with my heart, with my honesty. Cuz i have nothing else to bring before You, but that. If You can use me, whether it be someday again in Melanie's life, or whether it be in the life of another, that is up to You. According to Your will, let my life go and be. Just make me whole again, Lord. Just make me whole again. Please...
I hurt. But at least by that, I know that I live.
As a small (but vitally important) add-on, I would like to point out that somebody today made this observation - that they felt that, yes, Melanie actually DID love me, and that she did not do everything she did to hurt me or be mean or to spite me.
I agree. I think, as well, that she did love me. That she did consider a life with me. That she was encouraged by me. That she liked being with me. That i was good for her.
Not wanting to put too much emphasis on this, but the devil hated that. And, so, we are where we are. And only God knows where we go from here.
And, He DOES know. I know He does.
There is a part of me that believes that love is not just by chance. That love is too important in life, that it may possibly be the MOST important thing of all, and therefore surely it cannot just be by fluke when it happens. Oh, I know, there is a rational (mature?) part of me that argues against that – it tells me that love is just an emotion, and that people get into trouble by falling in love with those who are not right for them. Well, that part of me may be correct, but so is the other part. See, I can see and know and recognize those mature elements of life to be true…but I also know that Christ calls us to follow Him as little children, trusting in Him, following after what we cannot see with our five senses. It is called faith – and love, love is a lot like faith, isn’t it?
I believe in love. I believe that I am an artistic person, a “lover” if you will. I also see that this artistic part of me is trapped within the brain of a “thinker”. I like to know what is going on, and to analyze it.
Sigh…o woe is me, wretched man that I am, to be so trapped and divided within my own self! Makes me realize that I am a lot like the biblical King David, the one who wrote all those psalms – trying to figure life out, and throwing himself upon the mercy of God when he cannot. That’s me.
What am I trying to say? Something about love, I believe, but I cannot seem to force it out of my brain!
Let me lay it out on an emotional level, rather than an intellectual level, maybe that’ll help me get it out…
I hurt. Until this last year, never before had I loved a woman and not had that love returned, not had that woman in my arms and in my life, not married her and wanted to be with her and treat her right. I have never had to deal with rejection, in some ways. Oh, I know I have been divorced twice, but at least I was accepted BEFORE I was rejected (and much later), so that helps a lot. But this…this is different. This has affected me deeply. I GRIEVE. My heart, my soul, my spirit…they HURT.
There are some crazy parts of me that pop up on occasion, some things that suggest that what I am really doing is holding on to (insane) beliefs that even though MJ-and-I is deader-than-dead, that one day we will be alive again, in love. Together. Is that insane? Yes, for the most part, it is. It is not rational thinking or rational hope. But, I am a lover, and I cannot help thinking that way on occasion.
Makes me wonder some things.
For instance, how badly did I mess this situation up? Isn’t it possible that God had wanted me to be her friend, just her friend, to stick by her and support her, to never give up on her, until one day she was free to love me as well? Yes, it is possible. But, I will never know, unless God chooses to tell me so (and I will NOT ask Him).
I know it was wrong of me to love her, and to expect her to love me, when I was saved and she is not.
BUT…love is not just a fluke. It happens, and I truly believe it always happens for a reason.
I may have messed up my future, and hers. I may have screwed up royally, worse than I ever have before.
Those are dark thoughts, but that is where my mind can lead me, when I hurt so much in such deep places within myself.
I do not like me without her. Even though I never had her, I still do not feel complete without her in my life. She was every dream I had ever wanted. Now, she is gone. And I feel dead, stripped bare and laid out to rot. When she slipped away from me, I not only died, but in some deep level within me I die again anew every day.
My mind says one thing, and my mind may be right. Yet my heart’s pain cannot be silenced.
What do I want?
That is a good question.
On one hand, I want to stop hurting.
On another, to stop hurting by way of forgetting about MJ and what she has meant to me…maybe I would rather keep suffering within, rather than let go of everything?
Maybe what I still want, is to know that even though I screwed up, that God can make something beautiful of this. I do not want to limit God or place restrictions on Him, so I will not be stupid enough to say that the only beautiful thing that can come of this is if Melanie comes back to me and loves me. I just think…that of all the beautiful things that COULD happen, that would be the MOST beautiful thing that I could imagine. It doesn’t make it likely. Of course, the least likely thing in this world happened already to me – God came down to earth and lived a sinless life as a man and died a horrible death on the cross to save me. Somehow, when I look at that, when I think about that, then NO good thing will God withhold from me. That is a given, a surety. I…just am not sure if this desire is a good thing, or not.
So, what do I know? That God loves me, that God desires to bless me. That I need to be open to that blessing, no matter what form it takes. That I feel like crying right now, but I cannot quite do it. That I still love Melanie Joy Young. That I am a lover, and a realist, and that I have to be BOTH, not just one. That, other than these things, I do not know much of anything.
But, this has been good for me. I mean…how long has it been since I admitted that I love her? How long has it been since I realized that I still would take her in my life, in a heartbeat? I seem to have hidden these things deep within myself, and only just now have I realized that they still live (and that I do not ever want them to die).
Being honest, being honest with yourself is a good thing, right? Right?
Melanie is NOT a bad person. Maybe my expectations of her were unreal. Maybe. Or maybe my timeframe for those expectations was too pushy, too insensitive, too needy. Regardless, she is what she is. She is unsaved, ungodly, ruled by sin. It’s not her fault, though – she was born that way! God (and I) desire to see her saved. To see her life changed from within by God’s abiding presence. It can happen to her. I pray that it does. I will die unhappy, if it does not. She means…she means oh so much to me! She makes my heart ache, for the beauty of her on the inside.
I will never meet somebody like her. I have trouble truthfully imagining that if I ever love anybody else, that they can ever hold a candle to her, and that I might be "settling" (for second best, or outside of God's perfect will) if I choose to love another. I may be insane to think that, and I may be ruining my future to think that, but it is STILL (even after all this time, even after things being dead for this long, even after all the crappy stuff that has happened, even though anything good happening is an impossibility!) the way that I feel!
She has affected me, and affected me for life. She captured my heart, I gave it willingly, and then she left…and now I have nothing.
No, my life is not all sadness. But…my life has a hole in it, and it is in the shape of Melanie. Nothing else will ever fill that part of me.
I have either found the greatest thing in the world in Melanie, or the worst thing in the world in Melanie. I guess it depends which part of me looks at it – the rational part, or the artistic part.
In the end, she is what she is. She is, what God has proclaimed her to be in my life, and in my heart. She is…a part of me.
Lord, make me whole again. I will not limit You, I will not close You in, I will not tell You or demand You to lead my life in a certain way lest I pray against Your will for me…so Lord, simply make me whole again, I ask in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Lord, I am a simple man. I just want to please You. Please Lord, be pleased with me, with my heart, with my honesty. Cuz i have nothing else to bring before You, but that. If You can use me, whether it be someday again in Melanie's life, or whether it be in the life of another, that is up to You. According to Your will, let my life go and be. Just make me whole again, Lord. Just make me whole again. Please...
I hurt. But at least by that, I know that I live.
As a small (but vitally important) add-on, I would like to point out that somebody today made this observation - that they felt that, yes, Melanie actually DID love me, and that she did not do everything she did to hurt me or be mean or to spite me.
I agree. I think, as well, that she did love me. That she did consider a life with me. That she was encouraged by me. That she liked being with me. That i was good for her.
Not wanting to put too much emphasis on this, but the devil hated that. And, so, we are where we are. And only God knows where we go from here.
And, He DOES know. I know He does.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
from
my daily devotionals...
The Choice Is Ours
"I will make you My promised bride forever. I will be good and fair; I will show you My love and mercy."
Hosea 2:19 (NCV)
For all its peculiarities and unevenness, the Bible has a simple story. God made man. Man rejected God. God won't give up until He wins him back.
God will whisper. He will shout. He will touch and tug. He will take away our burdens; He'll even take away our blessings. If there are a thousand steps between us and Him, He will take all but one. But He will leave the final one for us. The choice is ours.
Please understand. His goal is not to make you happy. His goal is to make you His. His goal is not to get you what you want; it is to get you what you need.
That is so powerful. Let me emphasize that by re-saying it again...
Please understand. His goal is not to make you happy. His goal is to make you His. His goal is not to get you what you want; it is to get you what you need.
If only we could understand the truth in that, and hold onto it when times get tough and our sense of what's going on flounders in life, maybe then we would better understand both God and ourselves.
He's not Santa Claus; He's God, and there is no comparing the two. Apples and oranges are at least both still fruit; Santa Claus is a fictional figure, and God is "I AM", the Everlasting and Eternal One, the Alpha and the Omega, He is God and there is no other.
And that is why He is worthy to be praised, even when life is not what we thought it would be. Because He is still in control. He is still on the throne. He is still God. We just cannot understand everything He does or everything He chooses for us; and if we could, then He wouldn't be God.
And that is a good enough explanation for me. No matter what the question, the answer is "He is God."
The Choice Is Ours
"I will make you My promised bride forever. I will be good and fair; I will show you My love and mercy."
Hosea 2:19 (NCV)
For all its peculiarities and unevenness, the Bible has a simple story. God made man. Man rejected God. God won't give up until He wins him back.
God will whisper. He will shout. He will touch and tug. He will take away our burdens; He'll even take away our blessings. If there are a thousand steps between us and Him, He will take all but one. But He will leave the final one for us. The choice is ours.
Please understand. His goal is not to make you happy. His goal is to make you His. His goal is not to get you what you want; it is to get you what you need.
That is so powerful. Let me emphasize that by re-saying it again...
Please understand. His goal is not to make you happy. His goal is to make you His. His goal is not to get you what you want; it is to get you what you need.
If only we could understand the truth in that, and hold onto it when times get tough and our sense of what's going on flounders in life, maybe then we would better understand both God and ourselves.
He's not Santa Claus; He's God, and there is no comparing the two. Apples and oranges are at least both still fruit; Santa Claus is a fictional figure, and God is "I AM", the Everlasting and Eternal One, the Alpha and the Omega, He is God and there is no other.
And that is why He is worthy to be praised, even when life is not what we thought it would be. Because He is still in control. He is still on the throne. He is still God. We just cannot understand everything He does or everything He chooses for us; and if we could, then He wouldn't be God.
And that is a good enough explanation for me. No matter what the question, the answer is "He is God."
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wisdom from...
Wisdom from the mouth of comic book characters...
"I think people are lonely. And it makes them sad. And I think some people can't tell the difference between being sad and being angry. They lash out at the people who care about them. I don't know. I guess I just feel sorry for them."
And, wisdom from my daily devotionals...
The Purpose of Life
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.
Matthew 22:37 (NCV)
Mine deep enough in every heart and you'll find it: a longing for meaning, a quest for purpose. As surely as a child breathes, he will someday wonder, "What is the purpose of my life?"
Some search for meaning in a career. "My purpose is to be a dentist." Fine vocation but hardly a justification for existence. They opt to be a human "doing" rather than a human "being." Who they are is what they do; consequently they do a lot. They work many hours because if they don't work, they don't have an identity.
For others, who they are is what they have. They find meaning in a new car or a new house or new clothes. These people are great for the economy and rough on the budget because they are always seeking meaning in something they own.... Some try sports, entertainment, cults, sex, your name it.
All mirages in the desert of purpose....
Shouldn't we face the truth? If we don't acknowledge God, we are flotsam in the universe.
And, then there is wisdom (or lack of understanding, perhaps?) from my own turmoiled life...
Here I sit, still heart-broken and confusion-wracked over a woman who i fell in love with a year or so ago. A woman who only briefly flirted with returning that love. A woman who i prayed for, every day, for many many months. A woman I believed in. A woman who God talked to me about, and a woman who I shared my faith in God with. A woman who needs to be saved. A woman i respected and believed in. A woman who abandoned me and hurt me badly, and now tries to ruin my reputation and get me fired, for no good reason. A woman i still have some feelings for. A woman that i still miss having in my life.
Where is the wisdom in this? Where is the sense, the reason?
Where is the way out? How do i stop the loop in my mind? How do i move on, truly move on?
No answers. Just questions. And i KNOW there are no answers. But it does not make the questions go away. Oh, sometimes i do not think them. Sometimes a day or two or maybe even three goes by, until i think about her again. But always, my mind comes back, to a better time for me, a time when i thought she was everything that i wanted, a time i thought i was good for her, a time i thought i was doing what was right and was following my spiritual destiny, a time i felt useful and truly alive for the first time in my life.
But, the here and now is different for me. Adrift. Unmoored. I once almost had everything i thought was supposed to be mine. I was THAT close to everything i wanted, for once i actually believed i deserved to be happy and that i was going to be happy. I had never been that close to earthly perfection and bliss before. Everything was within my reach. Then came that one dreaded word, the word that i detest more than anything, the word that has brought about the ruin of more plans than any other - "BUT".
I think she was sad, very very sad about her life, and she confused that sadness for anger and lashed out at me, the one person on this earth who would have supported her unconditionally, maybe the one person on this earth who would truly love her for who she is.
I also think that she has no real idea what her life is about. As a non-Christian, she has wrapped her whole life's purpose up in the words "family" - she believes that in spite of the fact that she, her mate, and her children are all miserable, that she should have to suffer through this pain for her lifetime in order to keep the family together. She believes that is what her life's purpose is.
On a third level, i showed her God, and she rejected Him, and so in the end she had to reject me as well, becuz otherwise i would keep showing Him to her and she would keep having to make that choice, and she did not want to admit that she was a sinner who needed God's help. I hope and pray that one day she will make the right choice and choose Christ. But she had to reject me, becuz she could not separate me from my God (or Him from me).
That is all that i know. That is all the "wisdom" that i have.
That, and the hope that time heals all wounds. How much time, now...that is the question that scares me...
"I think people are lonely. And it makes them sad. And I think some people can't tell the difference between being sad and being angry. They lash out at the people who care about them. I don't know. I guess I just feel sorry for them."
And, wisdom from my daily devotionals...
The Purpose of Life
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.
Matthew 22:37 (NCV)
Mine deep enough in every heart and you'll find it: a longing for meaning, a quest for purpose. As surely as a child breathes, he will someday wonder, "What is the purpose of my life?"
Some search for meaning in a career. "My purpose is to be a dentist." Fine vocation but hardly a justification for existence. They opt to be a human "doing" rather than a human "being." Who they are is what they do; consequently they do a lot. They work many hours because if they don't work, they don't have an identity.
For others, who they are is what they have. They find meaning in a new car or a new house or new clothes. These people are great for the economy and rough on the budget because they are always seeking meaning in something they own.... Some try sports, entertainment, cults, sex, your name it.
All mirages in the desert of purpose....
Shouldn't we face the truth? If we don't acknowledge God, we are flotsam in the universe.
And, then there is wisdom (or lack of understanding, perhaps?) from my own turmoiled life...
Here I sit, still heart-broken and confusion-wracked over a woman who i fell in love with a year or so ago. A woman who only briefly flirted with returning that love. A woman who i prayed for, every day, for many many months. A woman I believed in. A woman who God talked to me about, and a woman who I shared my faith in God with. A woman who needs to be saved. A woman i respected and believed in. A woman who abandoned me and hurt me badly, and now tries to ruin my reputation and get me fired, for no good reason. A woman i still have some feelings for. A woman that i still miss having in my life.
Where is the wisdom in this? Where is the sense, the reason?
Where is the way out? How do i stop the loop in my mind? How do i move on, truly move on?
No answers. Just questions. And i KNOW there are no answers. But it does not make the questions go away. Oh, sometimes i do not think them. Sometimes a day or two or maybe even three goes by, until i think about her again. But always, my mind comes back, to a better time for me, a time when i thought she was everything that i wanted, a time i thought i was good for her, a time i thought i was doing what was right and was following my spiritual destiny, a time i felt useful and truly alive for the first time in my life.
But, the here and now is different for me. Adrift. Unmoored. I once almost had everything i thought was supposed to be mine. I was THAT close to everything i wanted, for once i actually believed i deserved to be happy and that i was going to be happy. I had never been that close to earthly perfection and bliss before. Everything was within my reach. Then came that one dreaded word, the word that i detest more than anything, the word that has brought about the ruin of more plans than any other - "BUT".
I think she was sad, very very sad about her life, and she confused that sadness for anger and lashed out at me, the one person on this earth who would have supported her unconditionally, maybe the one person on this earth who would truly love her for who she is.
I also think that she has no real idea what her life is about. As a non-Christian, she has wrapped her whole life's purpose up in the words "family" - she believes that in spite of the fact that she, her mate, and her children are all miserable, that she should have to suffer through this pain for her lifetime in order to keep the family together. She believes that is what her life's purpose is.
On a third level, i showed her God, and she rejected Him, and so in the end she had to reject me as well, becuz otherwise i would keep showing Him to her and she would keep having to make that choice, and she did not want to admit that she was a sinner who needed God's help. I hope and pray that one day she will make the right choice and choose Christ. But she had to reject me, becuz she could not separate me from my God (or Him from me).
That is all that i know. That is all the "wisdom" that i have.
That, and the hope that time heals all wounds. How much time, now...that is the question that scares me...
Saturday, May 9, 2009
be encouraged, o my soul
Lincoln Brewster – All To You
You called me, Lord
You know my name
I’m standing out
I’m not ashamed
No, no
I’ve searched and came up empty
This world has nothing for me
You are my one and only
I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You
You are the Lord of all I am
And I’ll never be the same again
I’ve searched and came up empty
This world has nothing for me
You are my one and only
I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You
I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You
I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You
I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me
I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me
I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me
I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me
Lincoln Brewster – Everyday
What to say, Lord? It’s You Who gave me life and I
Can’t explain just how much You mean to me now
That You have saved me, Lord, I’ll give all that I am to You
That everyday I could be a light that shines Your name
Everyday, Lord, I’ll learn to stand upon Your Word
And I pray that I, I might come to know You more
That You would guide me with every single step I take
That everyday I could be Your light unto the world
Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord
What to say, Lord? It’s You Who gave me life and I
Can’t explain just how much You mean to me now
That You would save me, Lord, I’ll give all that I am to You
That everyday I could be a light that shines Your name
Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord
I’ll walk with You, my Lord
Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord
My Lord, my Lord, my Lord, my Lord
It’s You I live for, everyday
It’s You I live for, everyday
It’s You I live for, everyday, my Lord
Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord
I’ll walk with You, my Lord
My devotional, from May the 8th
God Knows What He’s Doing
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand; I talked of things too wonderful for me to know.
Job 42:3 (NCV)
It's easy to thank God when he does what we want. But God doesn't always do what we want. Ask Job.
His empire collapsed, his children were killed, and what was a healthy body became a rage of boils. From whence came this torrent? From whence will come any help?
Job goes straight to God and pleads his case. His head hurts. His body hurts. His heart hurts. And God answers. Not with answers but with questions. An ocean of questions. . . . After several dozen questions ... Job has gotten the point. What is it?
The point is this: God owes no one anything. No reasons. No explanations. Nothing. If He gave them, we couldn't understand them.
God is God. He knows what He is doing. When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart.
And another from May 7th
He Knows How You Feel
He is able…to run to the cry of those who are being tempted and tested and tried.
Hebrews 2:18 (AMP)
Jesus was angry enough to purge the temple, hungry enough to eat raw grain, distraught enough to weep in public, fun loving enough to be called a drunkard, winsome enough to attract kids, weary enough to sleep in a storm-bounced boat, poor enough to sleep on dirt and borrow a coin for a sermon illustration, radical enough to get kicked out of town, responsible enough to care for his mother, tempted enough to know the smell of Satan, and fearful enough to sweat blood.
But why? Why would heaven’s finest Son endure earth’s toughest pain? So you would know that “He is able…to run to the cry of…those who are being tempted and tested and tried.”
Whatever you are facing, He knows how you feel.
You called me, Lord
You know my name
I’m standing out
I’m not ashamed
No, no
I’ve searched and came up empty
This world has nothing for me
You are my one and only
I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You
You are the Lord of all I am
And I’ll never be the same again
I’ve searched and came up empty
This world has nothing for me
You are my one and only
I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You
I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You
I’m living my life for You
And I’m giving everything to You
Not holding back, from every part
I’m giving it all to You
I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me
I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me
I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me
I’m giving it all to You
Take all of me
Lincoln Brewster – Everyday
What to say, Lord? It’s You Who gave me life and I
Can’t explain just how much You mean to me now
That You have saved me, Lord, I’ll give all that I am to You
That everyday I could be a light that shines Your name
Everyday, Lord, I’ll learn to stand upon Your Word
And I pray that I, I might come to know You more
That You would guide me with every single step I take
That everyday I could be Your light unto the world
Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord
What to say, Lord? It’s You Who gave me life and I
Can’t explain just how much You mean to me now
That You would save me, Lord, I’ll give all that I am to You
That everyday I could be a light that shines Your name
Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord
I’ll walk with You, my Lord
Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord
My Lord, my Lord, my Lord, my Lord
It’s You I live for, everyday
It’s You I live for, everyday
It’s You I live for, everyday, my Lord
Everyday, it’s You I live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You, my Lord
I’ll walk with You, my Lord
My devotional, from May the 8th
God Knows What He’s Doing
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand; I talked of things too wonderful for me to know.
Job 42:3 (NCV)
It's easy to thank God when he does what we want. But God doesn't always do what we want. Ask Job.
His empire collapsed, his children were killed, and what was a healthy body became a rage of boils. From whence came this torrent? From whence will come any help?
Job goes straight to God and pleads his case. His head hurts. His body hurts. His heart hurts. And God answers. Not with answers but with questions. An ocean of questions. . . . After several dozen questions ... Job has gotten the point. What is it?
The point is this: God owes no one anything. No reasons. No explanations. Nothing. If He gave them, we couldn't understand them.
God is God. He knows what He is doing. When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart.
And another from May 7th
He Knows How You Feel
He is able…to run to the cry of those who are being tempted and tested and tried.
Hebrews 2:18 (AMP)
Jesus was angry enough to purge the temple, hungry enough to eat raw grain, distraught enough to weep in public, fun loving enough to be called a drunkard, winsome enough to attract kids, weary enough to sleep in a storm-bounced boat, poor enough to sleep on dirt and borrow a coin for a sermon illustration, radical enough to get kicked out of town, responsible enough to care for his mother, tempted enough to know the smell of Satan, and fearful enough to sweat blood.
But why? Why would heaven’s finest Son endure earth’s toughest pain? So you would know that “He is able…to run to the cry of…those who are being tempted and tested and tried.”
Whatever you are facing, He knows how you feel.
Friday, May 8, 2009
when?
Without meaning to be too melodramatic, I am wondering...
when exactly will i feel that the ghost of this past year will leave me behind and fade from sight?
Almost every day, i am still haunted by what was, what is, and what might have been. Although i live in today, i am clearly haunted by another time, another place, another life.
All i want is peace. I have peace, but yet i do not have it entirely yet.
My world is still misty and confusing at times.
So, again not meaning to overanalyze or overindulge my moroseness (is that even a real word?), i present here the lyrics to the song "Bleak" by the band called Opeth.
Beating
Heart still beating for the cause
Feeding
Soul still feeding from the loss
Aching
Limbs are aching from the rush
Fading
You are fading from my sight
Break of morning, coldness lingers on
Shroud me into nightmares of the sun
Moving
I am moving closer to your side
Luring
You are luring me into the night
Crying
Who is crying for you here
Dying
I am dying fast inside your tears
Plunging towards bereavement faster yet
Clearing thoughts, my mind is set
Devious movements in your eyes
Moved me from relief
Breath comes out white clouds with your lies
And filters through me
You're close to the final word
You're staring right past me in dismay
A liquid seeps from your chest
And drains me away
Mist ripples round your thin white neck
And draws me a line
Cold fingers mark this dying wreck
This moment is mine
Help me cure you
Atone for all you've done
Help me leave you
As all the days are gone
Devious movements in your eyes
Moved me from relief
Breath comes out white clouds with your lies
And filters through me
You're close to the final word
You're staring right past me in dismay
A liquid seeps from your chest
And drains me away
Mist ripples round your thin white neck
And draws me a line
Cold fingers mark this dying wreck
This moment is mine
Night falls again
Taking what's left of me
Slight twist, shivering corpse
Ornated with water, fills the cracks
Clasped in my limbs by tradition
This is all you need
when exactly will i feel that the ghost of this past year will leave me behind and fade from sight?
Almost every day, i am still haunted by what was, what is, and what might have been. Although i live in today, i am clearly haunted by another time, another place, another life.
All i want is peace. I have peace, but yet i do not have it entirely yet.
My world is still misty and confusing at times.
So, again not meaning to overanalyze or overindulge my moroseness (is that even a real word?), i present here the lyrics to the song "Bleak" by the band called Opeth.
Beating
Heart still beating for the cause
Feeding
Soul still feeding from the loss
Aching
Limbs are aching from the rush
Fading
You are fading from my sight
Break of morning, coldness lingers on
Shroud me into nightmares of the sun
Moving
I am moving closer to your side
Luring
You are luring me into the night
Crying
Who is crying for you here
Dying
I am dying fast inside your tears
Plunging towards bereavement faster yet
Clearing thoughts, my mind is set
Devious movements in your eyes
Moved me from relief
Breath comes out white clouds with your lies
And filters through me
You're close to the final word
You're staring right past me in dismay
A liquid seeps from your chest
And drains me away
Mist ripples round your thin white neck
And draws me a line
Cold fingers mark this dying wreck
This moment is mine
Help me cure you
Atone for all you've done
Help me leave you
As all the days are gone
Devious movements in your eyes
Moved me from relief
Breath comes out white clouds with your lies
And filters through me
You're close to the final word
You're staring right past me in dismay
A liquid seeps from your chest
And drains me away
Mist ripples round your thin white neck
And draws me a line
Cold fingers mark this dying wreck
This moment is mine
Night falls again
Taking what's left of me
Slight twist, shivering corpse
Ornated with water, fills the cracks
Clasped in my limbs by tradition
This is all you need
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Shattered Illusions
Well…
This has been an “interesting” evening for me.
I learned some things tonight; things that I wished I did not know, yet also things that I am glad that I finally learned.
Sigh…
Y’know what? Life is hard. That is not a complaint, just an observation. Truthfully, I mean it; life is hard.
I learned some things tonight, things that all my workmates assumed that I already knew. But I didn’t.
The things I learned, they shocked me. They hurt me. But I needed to hear them. And, once I had examined them, I knew them to be true.
My opinions of Melanie Young are changing.
I still do not hate her, and I hope that I never do. I still wish the best for her. I still pray for her (if not daily, at least fairly often). And I still know that I can have NOTHING to do with her.
But, I realize some things about her now. I probably would not have been willing to hear (or believe) them until now. See, I learned that in her short time here (at work), Melanie used (or attempted to use) every male here. She used people, that is what she did. Everybody was an object to be used.
Every male here, she tried to get close to them, to get information from them, quite a few she made exploratory attempts to develop relationships with them, she flirted with them all. She lied to us all. She used us, firstly to try to get in the good books of various people at work to further herself and her “career” here, and secondly she used the attention of males to get her “husband’s” attention through jealousy (a tactic she continues to use, as the only apparent way to get him to pay attention to her). The way I hear it, I not only was not the first male at work she attempted to use (use their heart, mess up their lives, all for her own purposes and NOT for love or sex) but indeed I was number 5 on the list. Number 5!
Just, “lucky me”, I was the one who got sucked in the worst, and therefore was the one who got hurt the worst.
I still do not regret loving her. To love someone, even if they never return it (or want it), even if they use you, to love somebody is a great thing, an honourable thing. I regret that my ex-wife got hurt because of my love for Melanie. I regret the problems that it caused at work. But, that is it. The rest, I have no regrets. I did what I did, and I would not take it back.
But, I feel a little more ”used” right now. A little more “alone.” A lot more hurt. Rather emotional. Would enjoy a good cry right now, but can’t at this time.
Hopefully, this newfound stuff that I now know, I am hopeful that God allowed me to see this now because it was the right time, and hopefully it will enable me to continue to piece my shattered and fragile life back together and eventually move on as a healthy person.
Don’t feel too healthy right now. Just broken; re-broken.
It is a good thing that I recognize that being broken is a potentially good thing. God can use my brokenness.
Being open is a good thing. That is why I do not regret what happened to me. I would rather love the wrong person, in the wrong way, and make a mess of my life, than the alternative; better to love passionately and true, than close up your heart and become part of the living dead stew.
I like that line. Think I might post it somewhere.
Anyways, thank you, my family and friends. Your support of me always amazes me. Don’t worry about me; I am on the path that God has chosen for me to walk, and I will be okay.
Slainte.
This has been an “interesting” evening for me.
I learned some things tonight; things that I wished I did not know, yet also things that I am glad that I finally learned.
Sigh…
Y’know what? Life is hard. That is not a complaint, just an observation. Truthfully, I mean it; life is hard.
I learned some things tonight, things that all my workmates assumed that I already knew. But I didn’t.
The things I learned, they shocked me. They hurt me. But I needed to hear them. And, once I had examined them, I knew them to be true.
My opinions of Melanie Young are changing.
I still do not hate her, and I hope that I never do. I still wish the best for her. I still pray for her (if not daily, at least fairly often). And I still know that I can have NOTHING to do with her.
But, I realize some things about her now. I probably would not have been willing to hear (or believe) them until now. See, I learned that in her short time here (at work), Melanie used (or attempted to use) every male here. She used people, that is what she did. Everybody was an object to be used.
Every male here, she tried to get close to them, to get information from them, quite a few she made exploratory attempts to develop relationships with them, she flirted with them all. She lied to us all. She used us, firstly to try to get in the good books of various people at work to further herself and her “career” here, and secondly she used the attention of males to get her “husband’s” attention through jealousy (a tactic she continues to use, as the only apparent way to get him to pay attention to her). The way I hear it, I not only was not the first male at work she attempted to use (use their heart, mess up their lives, all for her own purposes and NOT for love or sex) but indeed I was number 5 on the list. Number 5!
Just, “lucky me”, I was the one who got sucked in the worst, and therefore was the one who got hurt the worst.
I still do not regret loving her. To love someone, even if they never return it (or want it), even if they use you, to love somebody is a great thing, an honourable thing. I regret that my ex-wife got hurt because of my love for Melanie. I regret the problems that it caused at work. But, that is it. The rest, I have no regrets. I did what I did, and I would not take it back.
But, I feel a little more ”used” right now. A little more “alone.” A lot more hurt. Rather emotional. Would enjoy a good cry right now, but can’t at this time.
Hopefully, this newfound stuff that I now know, I am hopeful that God allowed me to see this now because it was the right time, and hopefully it will enable me to continue to piece my shattered and fragile life back together and eventually move on as a healthy person.
Don’t feel too healthy right now. Just broken; re-broken.
It is a good thing that I recognize that being broken is a potentially good thing. God can use my brokenness.
Being open is a good thing. That is why I do not regret what happened to me. I would rather love the wrong person, in the wrong way, and make a mess of my life, than the alternative; better to love passionately and true, than close up your heart and become part of the living dead stew.
I like that line. Think I might post it somewhere.
Anyways, thank you, my family and friends. Your support of me always amazes me. Don’t worry about me; I am on the path that God has chosen for me to walk, and I will be okay.
Slainte.
life right now
Well, as of May 1st, I was declared (legally) single again.
Let the bells ring out? Meh.
Truthfully, I am CHOOSING to see this as a good thing. Not because being married wasn’t nice (at times), and not because there were not good things about being married, and not because the single life is so great, and not because I dislike the person I was married to or have a bad opinion of her. I am choosing to be positive, because that is what God would (and does) choose for me; at this point in time, at this point in my life, God smiles down on me just like He always does, He has nothing but good thoughts towards me and He wants me to have the same.
Being single (again), and being divorced (twice), these are neither good nor bad things. They just ARE. This is my life, and I am going to live it and give God the most glory that I can while doing so.
Some people. Some people in life are just messed up.
So, what do you do when you meet somebody like that? Somebody whose life, a life without God and His goodness and His forgiveness and His presence, their life is just a huge mess, and they are literally crying out for somebody to save them from their life, from the situations they have gotten themselves into, and from themselves?
What do you do, when God brings a person like that into your life, and gives you huge amounts of Godly compassion for them?
You know what you do? As a Christian, you do what you can to help them. You listen to them, you sympathise and empathize with them, and you point them towards the Answer. You show them Christ, and what He has done in your life. And you offer to help and support them.
Now, what do you do when that person turns away from the Answer?
When this happens, trust me, life unravels. All hell seems to empty itself against you.
This has happened to me. Say what you like. Believe what you like. I know the truth about this situation.
She came into my life. She was hurting, empty, fragile, a shell of a person. And God allowed me to see her how He sees her. I lent an ear, a hand, and a heart. And I showed her God, and what He had done for my life.
I wanted to share so much more with her. I wanted to see her come to Him, and for Him to beautifully change her.
It didn’t happen (at least, not YET it didn’t). She turned away. She, in her filth and her vomit, saw what was being offered. She understood. She looked at the offer. But then, she decided to go with her pride. She felt she didn’t need help, she didn’t need change, she didn’t need God. To me, this was such obvious deception and lies. But, it was what she flung back in my face. The more I prayed and asked God to work in her, the more I stood by her even when she hurt me, the more I believed, the more I tried to share God’s love with her, the more I tried to point her again and again towards the Answer…the more angry she became with me, the more enraged, the more spiteful.
Now, the person I, just last year, said was the best friend I have ever had, she is trying to destroy my life.
Won’t happen. God won’t let it.
You know why?
Here is the secret. See, despite what people think, despite what people say, despite what people see when they look at me and at this situation…I know, I KNOW, that I did what God told me to do, and I had faith in what I believed that God was telling me.
So, my God protects me. Although I did not succeed, I tried. I honestly tried. And in the end, even though this still hurts at times, I know that it is not ME that she is rejecting, it is Christ in me.
The storm I suffer, is for Him.
Once again, for that reason alone, I would not change a thing.
Lord, I choose to pray for her still. Not for me, or for my benefit, but for her eternal benefit. Please God, do not forget about her. Bless her, and do not curse her. Do not give up on her. Follow after her with a heart of love, and claim her as Your own. Reveal Yourslef to her, and save her soul and change her life. In Jesus' name I ask, Amen.
Let the bells ring out? Meh.
Truthfully, I am CHOOSING to see this as a good thing. Not because being married wasn’t nice (at times), and not because there were not good things about being married, and not because the single life is so great, and not because I dislike the person I was married to or have a bad opinion of her. I am choosing to be positive, because that is what God would (and does) choose for me; at this point in time, at this point in my life, God smiles down on me just like He always does, He has nothing but good thoughts towards me and He wants me to have the same.
Being single (again), and being divorced (twice), these are neither good nor bad things. They just ARE. This is my life, and I am going to live it and give God the most glory that I can while doing so.
Some people. Some people in life are just messed up.
So, what do you do when you meet somebody like that? Somebody whose life, a life without God and His goodness and His forgiveness and His presence, their life is just a huge mess, and they are literally crying out for somebody to save them from their life, from the situations they have gotten themselves into, and from themselves?
What do you do, when God brings a person like that into your life, and gives you huge amounts of Godly compassion for them?
You know what you do? As a Christian, you do what you can to help them. You listen to them, you sympathise and empathize with them, and you point them towards the Answer. You show them Christ, and what He has done in your life. And you offer to help and support them.
Now, what do you do when that person turns away from the Answer?
When this happens, trust me, life unravels. All hell seems to empty itself against you.
This has happened to me. Say what you like. Believe what you like. I know the truth about this situation.
She came into my life. She was hurting, empty, fragile, a shell of a person. And God allowed me to see her how He sees her. I lent an ear, a hand, and a heart. And I showed her God, and what He had done for my life.
I wanted to share so much more with her. I wanted to see her come to Him, and for Him to beautifully change her.
It didn’t happen (at least, not YET it didn’t). She turned away. She, in her filth and her vomit, saw what was being offered. She understood. She looked at the offer. But then, she decided to go with her pride. She felt she didn’t need help, she didn’t need change, she didn’t need God. To me, this was such obvious deception and lies. But, it was what she flung back in my face. The more I prayed and asked God to work in her, the more I stood by her even when she hurt me, the more I believed, the more I tried to share God’s love with her, the more I tried to point her again and again towards the Answer…the more angry she became with me, the more enraged, the more spiteful.
Now, the person I, just last year, said was the best friend I have ever had, she is trying to destroy my life.
Won’t happen. God won’t let it.
You know why?
Here is the secret. See, despite what people think, despite what people say, despite what people see when they look at me and at this situation…I know, I KNOW, that I did what God told me to do, and I had faith in what I believed that God was telling me.
So, my God protects me. Although I did not succeed, I tried. I honestly tried. And in the end, even though this still hurts at times, I know that it is not ME that she is rejecting, it is Christ in me.
The storm I suffer, is for Him.
Once again, for that reason alone, I would not change a thing.
Lord, I choose to pray for her still. Not for me, or for my benefit, but for her eternal benefit. Please God, do not forget about her. Bless her, and do not curse her. Do not give up on her. Follow after her with a heart of love, and claim her as Your own. Reveal Yourslef to her, and save her soul and change her life. In Jesus' name I ask, Amen.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
18 hours
Nice guys finish last.
There is much more fact than fiction to this.
Girls want danger and aggression from a guy. Those who do not fit that mold, they just end up being “just friends.” Girls like talking with guys who are nice and gentle and sweet and compassionate and caring, they like befriending them, but romance…not a chance.
Women chase after (or let themselves be chased after by) the other kind of guy…you know, the kind that thinks about himself first, the guy who can’t be faithful, who thinks he is God’s gift to women. They somehow expect that they can teach these guys to be monogamous, that they can teach these guys how to cuddle without expecting something from it, to be good providers and loving husbands and fathers.
More often that not, these women fail in that. What they end up with, is years and years devoted to somebody who never had their best interests at heart, who never respected them, who used them and then either ignored them or cheated on them.
Most men are pigs. And most women are horrible judges of character.
Makes you wonder how somebody can believe in true love, when they believe all of the above is true. Yet, I do.
Of course, that is because my whole life is about faith. I believe that there is a God Who loves me, even though I cannot see Him. I believe that Jesus rose from the dead, even though that seems impossible. I believe that I am forgiven, even though I sin daily. And, I believe in true love, even though I am 18 hours from being divorced for the second time in my life.
I will not change who I am, in order to impress a girl. I will not attempt to be a troglodyte Neanderthal, an uncaring woman-abuser, just so that my bad-boy image will attract a woman to me. No, I will stay who I am; a sweet, caring, quiet, spiritual man. I will stay who I am, because God loves me the way that I am right now, and so will my next wife. I will trust God to lead the right person to me, at the right time. And I CAN trust Him, because He is faithful and true.
There is much more fact than fiction to this.
Girls want danger and aggression from a guy. Those who do not fit that mold, they just end up being “just friends.” Girls like talking with guys who are nice and gentle and sweet and compassionate and caring, they like befriending them, but romance…not a chance.
Women chase after (or let themselves be chased after by) the other kind of guy…you know, the kind that thinks about himself first, the guy who can’t be faithful, who thinks he is God’s gift to women. They somehow expect that they can teach these guys to be monogamous, that they can teach these guys how to cuddle without expecting something from it, to be good providers and loving husbands and fathers.
More often that not, these women fail in that. What they end up with, is years and years devoted to somebody who never had their best interests at heart, who never respected them, who used them and then either ignored them or cheated on them.
Most men are pigs. And most women are horrible judges of character.
Makes you wonder how somebody can believe in true love, when they believe all of the above is true. Yet, I do.
Of course, that is because my whole life is about faith. I believe that there is a God Who loves me, even though I cannot see Him. I believe that Jesus rose from the dead, even though that seems impossible. I believe that I am forgiven, even though I sin daily. And, I believe in true love, even though I am 18 hours from being divorced for the second time in my life.
I will not change who I am, in order to impress a girl. I will not attempt to be a troglodyte Neanderthal, an uncaring woman-abuser, just so that my bad-boy image will attract a woman to me. No, I will stay who I am; a sweet, caring, quiet, spiritual man. I will stay who I am, because God loves me the way that I am right now, and so will my next wife. I will trust God to lead the right person to me, at the right time. And I CAN trust Him, because He is faithful and true.
Monday, April 20, 2009
directional quote for my future
I'll wait
'Til your love comes down
I'm coming straight for your heart
No way
You can stop me now
As fine as you are
Van Halen, "I'll Wait"
'Til your love comes down
I'm coming straight for your heart
No way
You can stop me now
As fine as you are
Van Halen, "I'll Wait"
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Thoughts of beauty, in passing
Sometimes, love just isn’t enough to keep people together. There needs to be more; like-mindedness (at least on some things), respect, belief, loyalty, and a future.
It is sad, really. Sad, because love is so inflaming, so igniting, so passionate to the soul; love is a nuclear furnace, it burns white hot through the very soul of a person…yet, there has to be more. Love, in and of itself, is not enough.
Everybody needs somebody to stand up for them, to believe in them. Too many people go through life, not having that person. They settle. That’s sad. It is very, very sad when the person you are closest to, the person you love, the person you let in to your life in intimate ways, is not that person who respects you and believes in you and treats you like gold and believes in the best for you and puts you first in everything. For too many people, this is their reality, and I weep for them. But, saddest of all, is when there is no one person who believes in you.
For myself, most of those who do believe in me, end up being people who have taken the time to get to know me, to examine me. And most of them, in one way or another, recognize me for who I am and express to me how much I mean to them, only after they have walked away from me, never to return in true closeness. I believe it is possible that I scare people off, that my openness is actually a hindrance to real relationships, because to many people have settled in life and just do not know what to do with people who are open and honest and caring and compassionate and real.
I have a select few people in my life who believe in me, and I am thankful for that (and for them). But I am not so sure that I have ever had that belief, that offered acceptance of who I am, coming from a person who has also given me their heart and truly let me in to their world as well. That makes me sad. Because that is what I want. Okay, Lord?
I just want to love, and be loved. I want to accept, and be accepted. I know that nothing this side of heaven will ever fully satisfy those needs within me…but I also know that the needs that I feel, they were also put there by God, and so was the need for human companionship and love.
I just want to meet a special person, all of my own. And I want to love on her like there is no tomorrow. I want to make her the very center of my life (God excluded, obviously), and do my best to bring her blessings and happiness and every good opportunity that she deserves as a special child of God.
That’s all that I want; I just want it all. I want the fairy tale, and the reality. And I do not just want it; I expect it.
Because it is real. It is out there. I feel it in my heart, and in my soul. One day, maybe soon, that will happen for me, a beautiful gift from my Saviour to me.
It is sad, really. Sad, because love is so inflaming, so igniting, so passionate to the soul; love is a nuclear furnace, it burns white hot through the very soul of a person…yet, there has to be more. Love, in and of itself, is not enough.
Everybody needs somebody to stand up for them, to believe in them. Too many people go through life, not having that person. They settle. That’s sad. It is very, very sad when the person you are closest to, the person you love, the person you let in to your life in intimate ways, is not that person who respects you and believes in you and treats you like gold and believes in the best for you and puts you first in everything. For too many people, this is their reality, and I weep for them. But, saddest of all, is when there is no one person who believes in you.
For myself, most of those who do believe in me, end up being people who have taken the time to get to know me, to examine me. And most of them, in one way or another, recognize me for who I am and express to me how much I mean to them, only after they have walked away from me, never to return in true closeness. I believe it is possible that I scare people off, that my openness is actually a hindrance to real relationships, because to many people have settled in life and just do not know what to do with people who are open and honest and caring and compassionate and real.
I have a select few people in my life who believe in me, and I am thankful for that (and for them). But I am not so sure that I have ever had that belief, that offered acceptance of who I am, coming from a person who has also given me their heart and truly let me in to their world as well. That makes me sad. Because that is what I want. Okay, Lord?
I just want to love, and be loved. I want to accept, and be accepted. I know that nothing this side of heaven will ever fully satisfy those needs within me…but I also know that the needs that I feel, they were also put there by God, and so was the need for human companionship and love.
I just want to meet a special person, all of my own. And I want to love on her like there is no tomorrow. I want to make her the very center of my life (God excluded, obviously), and do my best to bring her blessings and happiness and every good opportunity that she deserves as a special child of God.
That’s all that I want; I just want it all. I want the fairy tale, and the reality. And I do not just want it; I expect it.
Because it is real. It is out there. I feel it in my heart, and in my soul. One day, maybe soon, that will happen for me, a beautiful gift from my Saviour to me.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
My Future Hope
I just finished watching the movie Paycheque starring Ben Affleck.
It was a decent movie; not great, but okay.
The movie had this quote that I really like –
“If you show someone their future, they have no future; if you take away the mystery, you take away hope.”
Isn’t that just like reality? Think about all of the people who get their palms read, their tea leaves looked at, and check out their horoscopes. They all want to know their future, and by doing so, they end up making themselves slaves to whatever they are told. What they are told is going to happen, they MAKE happen. They lose the ability to make their own choices, and instead make decisions BASED on what they are told their future will be!
Think about God; He never specifically tells us how our future is going to look, He leaves it a bit of a mystery for us. He tells us He will be with us, and that our future is a good one, but He allows us to anticipate our future instead of being controlled by it. Think about it this way – is Christmas morning most exciting when you know exactly what is under the tree for you, or when everything is a complete surprise?
Interesting, isn’t it?
Personally, I KNOW my future is going to be great. Do I know WHAT my future will look like? No, no I do not. And that makes it all the more exciting, doesn’t it? God is in the driver’s seat, I just ride on the bus and He drives. As long as I do not get off the bus and walk away from Him, I will arrive exactly where He wants me to be!
It was a decent movie; not great, but okay.
The movie had this quote that I really like –
“If you show someone their future, they have no future; if you take away the mystery, you take away hope.”
Isn’t that just like reality? Think about all of the people who get their palms read, their tea leaves looked at, and check out their horoscopes. They all want to know their future, and by doing so, they end up making themselves slaves to whatever they are told. What they are told is going to happen, they MAKE happen. They lose the ability to make their own choices, and instead make decisions BASED on what they are told their future will be!
Think about God; He never specifically tells us how our future is going to look, He leaves it a bit of a mystery for us. He tells us He will be with us, and that our future is a good one, but He allows us to anticipate our future instead of being controlled by it. Think about it this way – is Christmas morning most exciting when you know exactly what is under the tree for you, or when everything is a complete surprise?
Interesting, isn’t it?
Personally, I KNOW my future is going to be great. Do I know WHAT my future will look like? No, no I do not. And that makes it all the more exciting, doesn’t it? God is in the driver’s seat, I just ride on the bus and He drives. As long as I do not get off the bus and walk away from Him, I will arrive exactly where He wants me to be!
Oops
About my picks for the Olympic Men's hockey team in 2010...i forgot that Ryan Kesler is an American.
That being so, I name Jordan Staal of the Pittsburgh Penguins to take his spot!
Sorry Canuck fans!
That being so, I name Jordan Staal of the Pittsburgh Penguins to take his spot!
Sorry Canuck fans!
Testing Me
I took the Sports Test at http://www.cbc.ca/testthenation, and here is how i scored!
Click to enlarge.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Olympics
So, here are my current picks for the 2010 Canadian Olympic Hockey Team.
A lot of good players got left off of my team. A lot of younger players, such as those who played in the 2008 World Championships, are on this team, as well as a few popular picks since the Olympics are in British Columbia.
Line Combinations:
1. Sidney Crosby, Ryan Getzlaf, Jarome Iginla
2. Rick Nash, Vincent Lecavalier, Martin St. Louis
3. Patrick Marleau, Eric Staal, Dany Heatley
4. Chris Kunitz, Joe Sakic, Ryan Kesler
Extra Forwards: Paul Kariya, Paul Gaustad
Defense Pairings:
1. Shea Weber, Scott Niedermayer
2. Robyn Regehr, Mike Green
3. Brent Burns, Dan Boyle
Extra Defencemen: Duncan Keith, Ed Jovanoski
Goaltenders:
1. Roberto Luongo
2. Marc-Andre Fleury
3. Steve Mason
A lot of good players got left off of my team. A lot of younger players, such as those who played in the 2008 World Championships, are on this team, as well as a few popular picks since the Olympics are in British Columbia.
Line Combinations:
1. Sidney Crosby, Ryan Getzlaf, Jarome Iginla
2. Rick Nash, Vincent Lecavalier, Martin St. Louis
3. Patrick Marleau, Eric Staal, Dany Heatley
4. Chris Kunitz, Joe Sakic, Ryan Kesler
Extra Forwards: Paul Kariya, Paul Gaustad
Defense Pairings:
1. Shea Weber, Scott Niedermayer
2. Robyn Regehr, Mike Green
3. Brent Burns, Dan Boyle
Extra Defencemen: Duncan Keith, Ed Jovanoski
Goaltenders:
1. Roberto Luongo
2. Marc-Andre Fleury
3. Steve Mason
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