Otta B. Committed

I’ve committed myself.


I am currently committed to “the process”. Healing. Hurting. They are all part of the same thing, aren’t they? In order to heal, you must be willing to hurt.


I have recently committed myself to allowing God to do whatever He wants to do in me. And I am recognizing that He wants to heal my heart, the area where I am most hurt, and most vulnerable. To do so, He must dig up the things I have buried.


That hurts, and the natural thing to do is to bury what hurts and ignore it until it seems to go away...but it never does, and you never get rid of the stench that way.


So, I am being brutally honest with myself lately. Praying that God uses that to bring me to the place inside that He wants me to be at. Allowing God to have the driver’s seat, relinquishing control to Him.


For instance, realizing that I feel ‘invisible’ right now. Almost a sense that the last twenty years of my life have not even really existed. I’m like a mist, a vapour, not really affecting anything around me. At least, that is how I feel.


Also, feeling bitterness and pain and sorrow in regards to Melanie. It’s kind of hard to explain...


...I guess it would best be said this way; After Rachelle and I split up, Melanie showed up, and she offered me alternatives. While I was still married, with hope out there that things could turn around for Rachelle and I, instead I listened to the advice of another woman. She encouraged me to give up on Rachelle and go it alone, and strongly hinted that she might be willing to be the love in my life. She told me that she would be there for me. She told me that her marriage was crap, too, and that she would be leaving her husband. When push came to shove, that was all a lie, and she betrayed me.


It isn’t so much that I blame Melanie. She is just another scared and hurting human being, with a sinful nature that cannot do good. It isn’t so much her fault, as it is my own. But I do feel betrayed by her. I trusted her with all my heart, and she let me down in the very worst possible way. Is it any wonder that, years later, I am still dealing with that pain and disappointment?


It is all part of “the process”. Healing, hurting, they are interchangeable. You can’t have healing, without a ripping apart of the emotions so that Doctor God can knit things back together in a proper manner.


And it hurts.


You have to be willing to hurt. Daily willing.


It’s not easy. It’s not nice.


But the alternative, to stay broken, is not a good thing.


Whatever it takes. Whatever God wants. I just want to be willing.